Yay! Chapter 8! I wrote it all in one day, we weren't doing anything in any of my classes at school, so this is the result of my boredom. I hope it's good and that you like it but I'm not going to say too much because it's 1 in the morning and I need to get some sleep for school tomorrow.
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In the time span of 2 weeks I still hadn't collected the courage to tell Kyle anything, not a single thing. I was still cutting, the only difference was now I felt bad afterwards, yes there was still that rush that I had liked at first but it only led to more pain in the end. I couldn't help but feel like I was betraying Kyle by not telling him. He wasn't verbally pushing me to tell him anything anymore, although some of the side glances he directed towards me at random times made me feel like he was forcing himself not to say something. On a good note I was getting used to living at Kyle's house and his family didn't seem to mind me staying there either. Surprisingly enough Kyle's parents hadn't run into my parents at all yet so, put simply, everything was going pretty good, the only thing that was wrong was my fixation with pain. I tried to stop, I really did, I tried my best but it got to be too much for me to handle on my own and that's when it got even worse. As my self-loathing grew from my new failure the number of thin, precisely carved lines grew to an uncountable number as I moved from my wrists to include my upper arms as well.
I made the mistake of glancing at the mirror that was slowly fogging over and my eyes were locked onto the sight before them. Cut after cut ran up my arms, some newer than others, some beginning to heal, some from just moments ago and still bleeding. I placed my hand over the razor on the counter next to the sink and kept my eyes locked onto my reflection. In order to keep my secret from Kyle I had resorted to cutting before I took a shower, that way no one would find out. When the mirror fogged over, making my image unintelligible, I lifted my arms to look at them directly. I was so ashamed of what I had done but I couldn't stop. That's all I wanted to do, stop, but my failed attempt discouraged me from trying on my own again. After the movie with Kyle I had decided to tell him but I had yet to actually do it. I was beginning to become angry with myself and I wasn't exactly sure where this anger came from. I glared at the ugly marks on my arms wishing there was a way to just make them disappear. I couldn't even remember why I had first started, where did I get the idea anyway? If only I hadn't started my life would be going smoothly by this point but considering I couldn't go back in time and stop myself from starting I just had to find some way to deal with the situation.
I ran a bloody hand through my hair frustrated with myself and all of the stupid decisions I had ever made. Why should I even try to stop anymore? I would just end up getting addicted to something else and it would probably be something worse, so what's the point in trying? What would Kyle do? The question made me pause in my thoughts. What would Kyle do? I asked myself again. He's too smart; he never would have done something so stupid in the first place! The question I really wanted to know was what he would think if he walked in right now and saw everything. Would he freak out and think I'd gone crazy? Would he go tell his mom everything he knew? What if he did tell her? I would end up somewhere on the streets if he told. I had no way of knowing how he would react because I wasn't a mind reader and I couldn't see the future, I could only guess.
No matter how paranoid my thoughts would get when I would think about telling Kyle my shameful secret I still had to tell him. At the pace I was going to try to muster up the courage it would be another few weeks before I could force myself to even think of what to say. I stepped into the shower and didn't even flinch at the sting that I had gotten so used to. I had to do it, I had to force myself to tonight or else I would never get help. I dragged out my shower as long as I possibly could procrastinating the conversation that I would soon have to start. I got out and dressed slowly, still trying to give myself time to back out but I wasn't giving up, I had to tell him that's all there was to it, no turning back.
When I entered Kyle's room he was sitting at his desk writing something for English class. "Hey, um, K-Kyle…c-can I talk to you?" I stuttered quietly somewhat hoping he wouldn't hear me.
"Yea, of course. What do you wanna talk about?" he asked without even looking up from his paper.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner and I tried to stop but I can't, I need your help." He turned in his chair and looked up at me I couldn't continue talking; I just couldn't seem to remember what I was planning on saying so I couldn't say anything.
"You're not doing drugs again are you?" When I shook my head he looked relieved but quickly looked concerned once again. "Then what are you talking about?" I took a deep breath and forced one of my sleeves up my arm and held it out for him to see. I looked away not wanting to see the look on his face once what I was showing him registered in his brain. "Kenny?" I couldn't help but look at him when he said my name and I felt my heart begin to crack at the sad expression on his face. He looked hurt, as if I had cut him not myself. Tears that I could no longer hold back began to flow from my eyes.
"I'm sorry Kyle! I wish I could stop but I can't! I tried and it didn't work. I just can't stop. Please don't hate me, that would kill me, you mean too much to me, you don't understand. I need your help, I know I should've told you sooner but I was afraid of what you would think." I rambled as my face became wetter by the second.
I opened my mouth to continue but was interrupted when I heard my own name, funny how one word from that boy could make me forget what I was going to say. "I could never hate you so don't say that. It just hurts to see someone I care so much about in so much pain. I'll help you however I can but I'm not really sure what to do." I lost him after he said it hurt, that was just too much to take in; I hadn't meant to hurt him. The tears came faster now and I dropped to my knees unable to support myself any longer. When he said that I had hurt him it nearly killed me. My breaths came in short gasps between sobs; I couldn't stand the fact that I had hurt him. "Kenny calm down, you need to breathe." Kyle was suddenly on the floor next to me with his hands on either side of my face making me look at him with my blurred vision. "Just take a deep breath, it's gonna be okay, I'm right here with you." He told me calmly. My vision cleared slightly allowing me to see that he was still upset, causing my tears to renew themselves. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest in an attempt to comfort me and stop the seemingly endless flow of tears. "You're torturing yourself with something aren't you? You need to stop or I'm gonna cry too." I did what he said; I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself, if I let him shed a single tear over me my heart would shatter into a million pieces.
"Please don't cry…I'm not worth it." I managed to say once I steadied my breathing.
"Don't say that Kenny."
"But it's true."
"No, it's not true, not at all. I don't ever want to hear you say that again." He squeezed me tighter in what seemed to be a protective maneuver. I reached up and gripped his shirt to pull myself closer, when he had hugged me I realized that the closer to him I got the better I felt. He pulled his arms away from me, lifted my arm attempting to pull the sleeve up more. I guess he I was checking to see if there was more than what I had showed him. When my sleeve didn't move he seemed to get frustrated before he ended up gripping the bottom of my shirt and pulling it over my head that was wet from a combination of the shower and my own tears. He ran his fingertips just above my skin from my shoulders all the way down to my wrists. "Why'd you do it Kenny?" I had just calmed myself down but he looked like he was holding back tears of his own and for some reason my heart felt like it was being ripped apart.
"I honestly don't remember why I did at first, but now I can't stop, it's worse than any drug I ever tried." I answered truthfully, I really couldn't remember.
"Well don't worry I'll get you help if it's the last thing I do." He told me with determination shining bright in his eyes; he really did care about me after all.
I hugged Kyle once again, not even caring that it may be a little weird without my shirt on. "Thank you so much, you're the best friend I could've ever asked for; I don't know what I did to deserve you." My words came out softer than I had wanted but they still had the same meaning.
"You didn't need to do anything." Kyle surprisingly hugged me back and he didn't seem to find it weird at all. To my even greater surprise I felt a pair of lips press against the top of my head and a warm feeling filled my stomach, it wasn't a bad feeling so I didn't protest. The moment didn't seem weird at all, normally I would have freaked out but it just seemed right. Kyle had somehow managed to make me feel better and I was grateful but I had no idea how he would be able to help me stop and I had the terrible feeling that he didn't know either.
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Well, this has to end somewhere so what better place? I'll have a lot of free time in school tomorrow so if I'm in a writing mood then I may have the next chapter up by tomorrow...cross your fingers!
