Epilogue: The Road Not Taken

The vision was fading from L's mind now, going slowly to black like the end of a dream, as the name of the most hateful, wonderful person pounded through his mind like a drum beat. L was almost surprised to find himself in his own bed again, by himself, in a world in which he had never slept with Aiber and might never see Raito again.

Oh God. Raito.

Even in a fantasy, somehow it had all come back to Raito, exactly what he hadn't wanted to think about. But he wasn't really surprised. In his mind, all roads led to Raito these days.

How would things have fallen out, had the affair that Aiber obviously wished that they had had actually played out? L wasn't sure whether things would have turned out better or worse in the end – whether Aiber, having had just about as much of L as was likely to ever have, would have resigned himself to the inevitable break between them, or would have tried all the harder to get L back into his bed and away from his competition. It was impossible to say. Who knew what really went on behind those icy eyes of his? But L did feel that, had he been more experienced – and less cowed by Raito – in the beginning of their strange relationship, things might have gone more smoothly between them. Then, they would have started off on a more equal footing, and Raito would perhaps not have become quite so obsessed with insuring that L remained untouched by all others. He had certainly suspected, at least for a while, that Aiber was a significant temptation for L. Perhaps he would have seen Aiber as less of a credible threat if L had already been with him but had declined to continue the relationship. Then again, Raito might have hated Aiber all the more for having known L that way, even if it had been years before he met Raito.

But it was stupid to begin these speculative games. As like as not, L wouldn't even have been in the bar that particular night, if the context of his going had been so different. He might never even have met Raito….Never have met Raito…

Would that have been better?

No – despite everything, despite the misery Raito had inflicted upon him, the option of never having met him still seemed worse, even if he would never have known the difference. As low as the lows in the relationship were, the highs were yet higher, of an exquisite and somehow pure beauty that made L ache just at the memory. No – if memory was all he could have, he would rather take that than nothing at all.

Still…no matter how repugnant the idea of being with Aiber now seemed to him, at least in that case, L would have had a chance to know what sex was like with someone who wasn't Raito, so that Raito wouldn't be the sum total of all L's sexual experience. The urge to be normal was still with him, and while having had one lover (briefly) was better than none at all, it still fell far short of most people's experience at his age. He had lost his virginity, and yet so much still seemed so new to him. It was seeming less and less likely now that he would ever know what it was like to be with a woman, or with anyone else at all. If this relationship fell through, would he even want to seek out another? Would he even be capable of it? With L feeling the way he now did, that seemed about as doable as walking on water.

Aiber really did seem to think that if L and Raito broke up, he would be able to get close to L and seduce him. But that really wasn't possible now, if it had ever really been so. The way Aiber was acting now was completely unacceptable, and if Aiber had ever had a chance with him at all, it was now gone. Even if a…breakup…with Raito were to happen, even if L spent the rest of his life lonely and chaste, he would never venture into Aiber's bed now. Aiber might accuse him of brushing him off, of not giving him a chance to know him – but in the end, it was Aiber who had sabotaged things between them. L wondered now…

Just how long would it take for Aiber to realize that L would never be his?


A/N: The title of the chapter, besides referring to a fine poem by Robert Frost, is taken from the part where it says that in L's head, all roads lead to Raito. L pretty much assumes that he would have met Raito in any case, and thus to him, this version of the story is the "road (to Raito) not taken." And obviously, the title also refers to Aiber, and the choice L makes about whether or not to sleep with him. In uberneko's story, he doesn't, but in this story, he does, which makes his relationship with Aiber "the road not taken." He doesn't regret not sleeping with Aiber, but he does wonder whether, if he had slept with Aiber, he would've been better prepared for Raito to enter his life, and thus would've had a better chance of staying together with him.

Poor PITCH!L is always stuck in unhealthy relationships. It really shouldn't be as much fun to read about as it is. The way I see it, reading about unhealthy, sexy relationships in fanfic or BL is like watching Neo dodge slow-mo bullets in The Matrix: awesome to think about, but not something that should ever be attempted in real life! It just has Do Not Try This At Home, Kids written all over it.

There were a number of OCs in this story. Their names were taken from the names of former Japanese prime ministers, which I mixed and matched together in a name stew. I also made use of the given name of Hatoyama Yasuko, the daughter-in-law of one prime minister and the mother of another. The list of people whose names I stole also includes:

Sanjō Sanetomi

Saionji Kinmochi

Yamamoto Gonbee

Wakatsuki Reijirō

Hayashi Senjūrō

Koiso Kuniaki

Hatoyama Ichirō

Ishibashi Tanzan

Satō Eisaku

Takeshita Noboru

Hata Tsutomu

Asō Tarō

Kan Naoto

The English spellings are from Wikipedia, so don't complain to me that they're not consistent. I've gone on the assumption that the spelling given in a Wiki article is that person's preferred romanization.

Well, that's the end! It was really a lot of fun writing this fic, and I really hope that you enjoyed it. If you liked it, please drop a review and let me know! I also invite you to check out my other stories. As for upcoming attractions, I have a crackish (and very dirty) LxLightxL oneshot largely completed, which I mean to post before too long; the working title is "Great Balls of Fire." Suffice it to say that the premise revolves around L having many, many orgasms :D I hope to see you there!

Cheers,

yellowrose87