Heyya(: Sorry I haven't updated but I've been busy with a video I made for my Cousins who moved to Colorado. Then after they left I couldn't really think straight without crying so this is the first chance I've gotten to update. Hope this is okay.
Me: Hey Teacher!
Teacher: That's not my name Elizabeth
Me: Well that's not my name
Teacher: What do you want?
Me: Can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: No you've already been twice this week.
Me: Well it's not my fault I'm bleeding out my vigina. Damn I'm going to the bathroom.
Walking into the church, I take a seat before pulling out an old worn picture of Rose and her last words to me. Closing my eyes I hear my words repeated over and over, 'Love Fades, Mine Has'. Every time I hear it my heartbreaks just a little bit more. I never should have lied to her. I was just trying to protect her. I'm not good enough for her and now she's gone forever. Opening the letter, I sigh and begin to read.
Comrade
Have you ever tried to put into words how you feel? If you haven't trust me it's not the easiest thing in the world to do. I'm reaching out to you and I just can't explain why. You are the one note that's been a problem, every time I pick up this pen and begin to write the words won't come out. They refuse to come to me; I don't know what to say to you Dimitri. This feeling is new Comrade, not knowing what to say isn't something that happens a lot. I'm going to do my best to try to explain everything.
When I was just a kid at the academy my dreams consisted of spending my life killing, killing anything that threatened Lissa. Even then, I knew I had to have her as my charge. The last year has changed how I view life Comrade. A lot has changed for me and the bad outweighs the good tremendously but that's just life. I've almost lost my best friend to a crazy power hungry Moroi. I've been kidnapped and watched one of my friends be used as a blood bank and watched the other be brutally murdered before my eyes. I've experienced death on both the receiving and giving end.
I've found the love of my life only to lose him months later. I've dropped out of high school to fulfill a promise only to fail, I've staked him twice and each time I missed the mark. With each stake, I felt my heart die a little bit more. I've gone on a killing spree across Europe and tortured countless strigoi just to find him. I've been a bloodwhore but escaped. I dropped back into the academy thanks to a generous donation, not long after returning I began receiving 'love' letter that lacked in the love department. I've graduated, yeah I actually did it. I've went on a wild rescue trip to release the crazy guy who tried to murder my best friend, all to find the way to save you.
I saved you, Lissa saved you what the hell difference does it make? After all the hell I went through to find a way to change you back, to give you back your life you left me. 'Love fades; mine has' that's all you had to say to me after everything that's all you said. Finally for the big finale I've been charged with the murder of the Queen leaving me where I am now; in a jail cell awaiting my execution with guardians stationed outside and I have no way out, except to do this.
I can't live like this Comrade; I'm not as strong as you are. You've always been better; no matter how much I've tried, I'm never good enough. I can't sit here day in and day out with these walls caving in on me, threatening to suffocate me. This goes against everything I've ever believed in, I remember when Lissa would cut how disgusted I felt and now here I am about to do the same thing except I want a different outcome. I hope this attempt is successful because if it isn't well my death will still come but it will be on a schedule. I can't allow my death to be scheduled. If it's the last thing I do, and I hope it is, my death will be unexpected.
When I met you, I hated you so much. You were the person dragging Lissa and me back into a situation we hated, that was dangerous for her. You saved me Comrade. When you agreed to become my mentor, my life was completely changed. You taught me about discipline, loyalty, life and love. I always had this need to be the best but you took that need and disciplined it allowing me to grow and actually become the best in my class. You taught me that sometimes your loyalty doesn't lie with your charge but with yourself. Good God your life lessons were so annoying, I absolutely hated you Zen crap.
Of all the things you taught me, love was the most important and life changing. When I learned what love was my life was transformed into this new world. A world where everything and anything is possible. Love is this unexplainable emotion that I had never truly felt until you came along with your brown hair, Russian accent, and horrid country music. You weren't just some guy to me Comrade you were the guy. You are my first love and my last I may not be yours but you are mine. I feel like I've wasted the love of my life. We didn't have enough time together. I'm living in the memory of a love that's passed by and I just can't see to escape.
My love for you has never faltered Dimitri. Even when you were evil and wanted me to willingly become my greatest enemy, I loved you. I was the girl who somehow was bound to the humanity of you; even as a strigoi, I saw the good inside you. When I think back on you and me, I remember a time where we were so in love. Do you remember that or have you already forgotten? I'm broken inside, I'm faded and I don't like it. I just want to feel your arms wrapped around my waist and your breath against my ear as you whisper I love you Roza.
I'm stronger than this but for some reason my heart refuses to let you go. It's just holding on for some insane reason that my brain just doesn't understand. Do you know what it's like to know that you're stronger than the way your acting but you can't do anything about it? I miss everything about you. Before I met you, I didn't even know I could love someone so much. I didn't understand that one singular moment could hurt me so much but the moment I realized it was a mistake not being with you haunts me making me miserable all the time. I wish I could remember every single word that you ever said to me because than maybe I could get by, and live my life to a point. I've never lost someone like you before
When I'm standing next to you, I have this feeling that I might suffocate because when I'm next to you I find it increasingly difficult to breathe. It's just that when I feel you so close all those emotions I try to keep suppressed pour into me and it's as if they take up the room my lungs use to expand so it's almost impossible to breathe. After tonight though that won't be a problem, I'll never stand beside you again or have the need to breathe. If you haven't figured it out yet love, this is my goodbye.
My life in this cell has become a battle to live, I constantly feel as if I'm going insane. Who I've become is not who I wanted to be. I never meant to destroy so many lives. My friends have given up so much for my crazy plans and me; some gave their lives while others their reputations. My mind is dark and twisted and haunts me with images of how easy my death would be.
Dimitri I love you, always have and will. You are the love of my life but I'm not the love of your life. You gave up on us when you uttered those words. The words that haunt my dreams that make my days seem endless. The words that replay through my mine day after day mocking me, 'Love fades, mine has'. I've arranged this letter to be delivered after I'm finished here so you will feel no need to come and save me. You no longer need to feel like I'm your responsibility. I don't know what else I can do. This is my only choice. I'm sorry I failed you.
The only way out of this situation is to die. No one knows the secrets I keep Comrade, not even you. I've attached a paper I was given to this letter and I need you to do what the paper asks and tell no one. I know I can trust you because you're Dimitri and your loyalty runs deep. It's low of me to ask like this but I know you can't turn down my last request. You'd never forgive yourself if you did.
I wanted everything to stay the same but people change and feelings fade. We'll be together again one day and I can't wait until then. I love you Comrade forever and always near and far. You're in my heart unconditionally. Please forgive me.
Roza
Laying the paper down I hang my hand and watch my brown hair fall in front of my face, raising my hand to push the hair back I feel wetness on my cheek. I'm crying, she made me cry. "I always loved you Roza." I take a deep breath as I stare down onto a picture of her. "I'm so sorry моя влюбленность." Closing my eyes, I see her smiling face looking at me. Turning the letter over I see the attached paper. Pulling it off I read the Queen's last request of Rose. This could have gotten her off but she kept it to herself. "You keep talking about loyalty Rose but you just made the ultimate sacrifice just to keep your promise; that is loyalty." I don't know whom I'm talking to but it helps. Wiping my eyes, I stand and look around the Cathedral before walking out.
