XoXoXoX

If I could throw myself
Set your spirit free
I'd lead your heart away
See you break, break away
Into the light
And to the day

'Bad' – U2

XoXoXoX

Chapter 8

XoXoXoX

Martin didn't know what Chris' parents told him but whatever it was Chris refused to talk about it. Whenever Martin tried to bring it up, Chris would just shrug it off and change the subject. Martin knew him well enough to know when to press him and when to back off and it was abundantly clear that this was the time to give him space. So instead of talking about his parents Chris became more focused on enjoying his time at camp and more precisely how that enjoyment related to Casey Winters. Over the next week Casey and Sarah became frequent visitors to their cabin and often joined them on excursions out onto the lake.

While it was clear that Casey and Chris were becoming like a couple, Sarah and Martin remained firmly planted in the friend zone.

That is until the camp dance. Every summer, as camp drew to a close there was a dance. It wasn't very fancy but they served desserts, punch and decorated the mess hall with a cheesy disco ball and streamers. Martin usually went with a group of his friends and they just hung out and ate cookies while complaining about the lousy music. But this year, Chris told him he planned to ask Casey to be his official date. Which was fine by Martin, but when Chris asked Casey she only agreed with the stipulation that Martin be Sarah's date, too. Martin and Chris weren't too surprised as it was a well-known phenomenon that girls traveled in packs.

Martin agreed but only after a lot of pleading and some begging by Chris. Truth be told, Martin was secretly thrilled at the idea of him and Sarah going to the dance as a couple.

So here Martin and Chris sat with Casey and Sarah at one of the tables drinking punch as the Pet Shop Boys song, "It's a Sin" blasted from the antiquated speakers in the corner of the room. Martin scanned the make-shift dance floor to see that most of the people dancing were girls in large circles or the occasional couple where the girl's eyes focused on anyone but her dance partner who was shuffling his feet, trying to pretend he had rhythm.

He took a sip of his punch and glanced over at Sarah who was staring at Ricky Narducci standing at the dessert table stuffing his face with cookies. He couldn't help but notice how bored she looked when he remembered the advice his aunt gave him about girls: look them in the eye, act interested in what they are saying and ask questions about them.

Martin scooted his chair closer to hers and over the din of the music asked, "What kind of music do you like?"

She gave him a quizzical look before she leaned her head towards his and replied, "I like The Smiths, The Cure, New Order." She gave him a genuine smiled and added, "But U2 is really my favorite."

"Really?" he asked, happy to see they shared the same taste in music.

Casey leaned forward and inserted herself into their conversation. "I tried telling her that U2 isn't going to last. Now Bananarama will be around forever, they're timeless."

Martin and Chris shared a look but both smiled politely at Casey when the song switched to Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance With Somebody." Casey leapt up from her seat, announcing that this was her song. She grabbed Chris' arm and dragged him to the dance floor insisting that he must dance with her. Martin restrained a laugh as Casey started bopping to the music while a befuddled looking Chris stood shock still like a deer caught in the headlights. Martin restrained a laugh as Chris tried to make the top half of his body move in beat with the bottom half.

He shook his head embarrassed for his friend before redirecting his attention to Sarah. "I like U2, too," he said and she turned to meet his eyes, drawn back into their conversation. "I know Joshua Tree is what everyone knows them for but I like The Unforgettable Fire."

Sarah lifted up her cup of punch and asked, "What's your favorite song?"

"Bad," he replied, watching as she took a drink. "You?"

She lowered her glass and replied, "I like Running to Stand Still."

"That's a good song," he replied genuinely interested. "It's kinda sad though."

She lowered her eyes, focusing on the inside of her cup. "That's why I like it.

He simply nodded. He was impressed that she didn't say "With or Without You" since just about every girl he knew always claimed that song was their fave, insisting that Bono was soulful and the song tragically romantic. As much as he liked U2 he found the video for the song to be irritating since Bono holds a guitar the entire time but not once does he actually play it. It is just a prop to add to his persona. It irked him because he thought Bono had a great voice and should be above such petty illusions.

Suddenly the dance music stopped before being quickly replaced by the melancholy tune "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper. He watched as couples drifted onto the dance floor and began to slowly move with the music. Soon, the dance floor was flooded as the tables all around them emptied out.

XoX

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
And think of you
Caught up in circles confusion
Is nothing new
Flashback warm nights
Almost left behind
Suitcase of memories,
Time after

XoX

He glanced at Sarah who stared out at the sea of couples. He cleared his throat and nervously croaked out, "Um, do you want to dance?"

She turned to look at him, smiled and nodded.

XoX

Sometimes you picture me
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me, I can't hear
What you've said
Then you say go slow
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds

If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time

XoX

They walked side by side out onto the dance floor. It was at this instant that it occurred to him he had never actually touched her before and he found his palms sweat up at the mere thought of it. He stealthily wiped his hands on his pants as they gave each other an evaluating look, each unsure and awkward about what to do next. Finally she laughed softly and stepped closer, carefully raising her hands on his shoulders. Getting his cue he gingerly placed his hands on her waist, feeling clumsy and awkward.

XoX

If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time

XoX

His mind was racing as he tried to call upon all the advice he was given over the years on how to properly slow dance: don't step on her feet. Sway. Listen to the beat and let it guide you… He was so preoccupied with trying to keep his feet moving in one, two, one two that he was taken off guard when Sarah slowly moved her hands until her arms were loosely wrapped around his neck. He swallowed, shocked and infinitely happy, when she softly rested her head against his shoulder.

He smiled and let his mind fall away from dance techniques as all his thoughts became focused on the smell of Sarah's hair.

XoX

After my picture fades and darkness has
Turned to gray
Watching through windows you're wondering
If I'm ok
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time

If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time

XoXoXoX

NC – 17 for Sexual Content

Sweaty and spent, Martin returned home after his run and conversation with Danny. He unlocked his door and stepped into his apartment to find a lovely blonde woman sitting on his sofa. Sam dropped the Sports Illustrated magazine she had been leafing through onto the table and stood up.

"I see you finally used the key I gave you," he deadpanned as he tossed his own keys onto the desk.

She gave him a sheepish smile. "Where have you been? I thought Jack ordered you to get some rest."

"I went for a run to clear my head and then I ran into Danny and you know him," he toed off his sneakers, "Yak, yak, yak…" He smiled at her and was rewarded with a perturbed but gentle look. "I'm pretty rank, I'm gonna go take a shower."

He started to the bedroom and he didn't have to look behind him to know she was following him.

"So he found you," she said as they stepped into the bedroom behind him.

He nodded, pulled off his t-shirt and tossed it towards the closet. "Yeah," he replied as he removed his socks. He looked over at as she crawled onto his bed and sat down cross-legged in the center. "He said that you called him."

"I was worried about you," she softly replied. "I am worried."

He nodded and breathed, "Me too."

"Are you ready to talk yet?"

He sighed heavily and met her eyes. "Can I take a shower first?"

She smiled and nodded.

He walked into the bathroom, sliding the shower door back so he could turn on the water. He tested the temperature against his fingers and finding it agreeable he stripped off his trainers and got inside. He stood under the hot water spray, the water beating down on him like hundreds of hot water pellets that soothed out his aching body. He braced his hands against the tile wall and closed his eyes, savoring the feeling of the steam.

He had to admit that he felt like a small burden had been lifted after his conversation with Danny but the enormity of what was still to be done weighed down on him. His head hurt at the just knowing the questions he still had to ask Dodd, things he had to hear and learn, it was just so much to absorb. His heart clenched under his rib cage as he thought about Chris' body laying unclaimed in a shallow grave somewhere, his flesh long decayed and only his bones remaining. He opened his eyes and wiped his hands over his face, trying to erase those thoughts from his mind.

He didn't know how he could get any sleep with the wheels in his mind constantly spinning. He wished he could turn his mind off, let all the thoughts that kept assaulting him fall away.

Twenty minutes later he stepped out of the shower and toweled off, wrapping it around his waist. He walked back into the bedroom to find Sam stripped down to her camisole and tucked into bed. He decided to forgo pajamas and walked to his side of the bed, unceremoniously dropped the towel to the floor and climbed into bed.

She smiled at him as she reached over and ran her hand over his hair, brushing it away from his face. "You look exhausted."

He chuckled. "Good to know I look how I feel."

She curled up next to him, her head propped by one hand as she caressed the side of his face with the other. "You need to try and get some sleep."

He closed his eyes and leaned into the palm of her hand. "I know but I don't think I can."

She shifted next to him and he opened his eyes to see her moving in close. She kissed softly on the lips.

"You don't," he began, unsure what exactly he was going to protest.

"Shh," she murmured. "Just let me…"

She kissed him again before planting soft warm kisses along his jaw line. She moved on top of him and with the exception of one very particular part of his body, his entire body went slack against hers. He wanted to protest that she didn't have to do this but somewhere in the corners of his mind he admitted that this felt familiar and warm and made him feel something infinitely different than what he had been feeling for the last 36 hours.

She rested her knees on both sides of his hips as she kissed him again. This time he found a renewed hunger in his need to touch her, to feel her, to feel anything other than pain and hurt. He reached for her waist, gripping her firmly as he pulled her to him. He ran his hands up her sides before making his way to her breasts, testing the weight of her in his hands. She moved back, pulling her camisole off and tossing it to the side of the bed.

She moved back towards him, kissing him hard on the mouth. He felt his erection surge with a rush of blood and felt an overwhelming need to be inside of her. He moved to lift her hips just above his manhood and with heavy lidded eyes he watched as she lowered her body onto his, releasing a heavy breath as he slid into her inch by inch.

She closed her eyes and her body stilled, adjusting to him. She opened her drowsy eyes and bent to his face, kissing him hard. He began to move in an achingly familiar rhythm and she moved her hands to grip the pillow on either side of his head. His mouth moved on top of hers, their tongues thrusting in time with their lovemaking.

He moved his hands back to her waist, squeezing it tightly, trying to let her guide the rhythm while simultaneously moving deeper into her. Her lips parted breathlessly as he grinded into her in long deep strokes.

Her head fell to the side as he took a nipple into his mouth, suckling on the stiffened flesh and was rewarded with an audible moan. She moved one hand behind his head and ground her hips harder against his body.

He gasped at feeling impossibly deep inside of her, listening as she moaned and panted heavily, releasing punctuated breathless words, "More…Martin…yes…uh-huh…"

He felt her thighs tense and shake, marking the ascent of her orgasm until she moaned in pleasure. He rolled her onto her back and after a few more thrusts he followed her into the abyss.

He collapsed on top of her, trying to catch his breath. She started kissing his sweaty brow and he rolled back over, pulling her close to him. She rested her head on his shoulder, a limp arm draped over his chest.

He felt his eyelids grow heavy and he knew that her plan had worked. Not only had she managed to make him stop thinking as it was virtually impossible for a man to think when all the blood in his body was redirected to regions southward but there was also no better remedy for sleeplessness than the physical exertion of sex.

He eventually caved to the exhaustion and his consciousness faded to black.

However it didn't last long.

He awoke a few hours later, startled awake by a nightmare.

In his dream he was back on top of Cayuga Cliff and he saw Chris and Dodd standing on the ledge. Dodd winked and pushed Chris over the side. He tried to run and stop him but as hard as he ran he couldn't bridge the distance fast enough and Chris plummeted to his death.

He bolted upright, panting heavily to find himself back in his bedroom with Sam slumbering next to him. He stared down at her knowing he couldn't get back to sleep now so he carefully pulled the blankets off so he could get out of bed. As he moved the comforter he smiled, realizing that this was the first time that Sam had shared the covers. He didn't know if it was on purpose or just a subconscious gesture to show she cared. Didn't matter, either way he was touched. He looked back over at her and smiled as he carefully moved a strand of hair away from her face. She sighed in her sleep and rolled over.

He waited a beat before he climbed out of bed and walked to his dresser, aching and sticky. He pulled out a pair of his flannel pajama bottoms and a t-shirt, putting them on before quietly padding his way to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

He didn't bother turning on any lamps, the lights of the city illuminating his kitchen enough that he could see what he was doing. He opened a cabinet and got a glass before walking to the refrigerator to fill it with water.

He took a sip, the cool water moistening his dry mouth.

He leaned against the counter and released a heavy breath. The empty mind from lovemaking now filled up again with thoughts of Dodd, Chris and the third boy that he still knew nothing about. Now a nightmare was added to the jumble of thoughts.

He hadn't thought about Cayuga Cliff in years but now here it was a prominent feature in his mindscape. And that's when he remembered that he had pictures from that last summer he spent with Chris. He set his glass down on the counter and wandered to the hall closet. He pulled on the string to turn on the light in the closet and began moving boxes around. He had kept the photos in an old shoebox, always intending to put them in a photo album but never getting around to it.

He found the shoe box and carried it into the living room.

He sat down on the sofa and took the lid off of the box. He looked inside to see it jammed with photos. He began flipping through them, a jumble of events throughout his life before he finally found the ones he sought. He pulled out the small stack and smiled as he remembered all the fun from that fateful summer. There were pictures from canoeing on the lake, archery, swimming, goofing around in the cabin…

He didn't know how long he was sitting there when he heard Sam approach. He looked up to see her walking towards him, wrapped up in a blanket from the bed and wiping the sleep from her eyes.

"What are you doing?" she asked, in her soft sotto bedroom voice.

He smiled and motioned for her to sit down next to him. "Do you want to see the Chris I remember?"

She nodded as she slowly padded towards him. The sofa dipped as she sat down with her body close to his. She rested her chin on his shoulder and wrapped one arm around his waist, her fingers running soft gentle fingers along his back and he finds it comforting.

He held up a photo of him and Chris chopping at a fallen tree trunk with small axes. "This is Chris."

She studied the photo, an intense curious look on her face. "What are you guys doing?"

He grinned. "We found this log along the river and we thought we would try and make our own canoe."

She looked at him amused. "Did you?"

He shook his head, releasing a light laugh. "Nah, we got bored about half-way through the summer when we realized that we couldn't take it home with us."

He dropped it back in the box and pulled out a photo of him, Sarah, Chris and Casey. It was taken a few days after the dance. Casey and Chris were sitting close together, their feet dangling off the pier while he and Sarah were laughing and splashing each other in the water.

"Who's she?" Sam asked as she pointed to Sarah. He glanced at her and noticed she had a devilish grin on her face.

With his eyes on the photo, a small smile played on his lips. "That's Sarah Miller."

"Was she your girlfriend?" she asked in a playful teasing voice.

He looked up, thoughtful and shrugged. "I guess, sort of."

"Sort of?"

"Well, we never really said and I had to go home the day after this photo was taken so I don't know exactly," he replied as the bittersweet memory lingered in his mind. "We kissed once."

"Just once?"

"Her choice, not mine," he replied with a self deprecating grin.

Sam stared at him with a soft curious expression. "What was she like?"

"She was headstrong, independent, perplexing, athletic, smart, pretty, and nearly impossible to figure out." He chuckled as he turned to face Sam and kissed her on the lips. "I guess she was the first sign that I would have a thing for difficult women."

She gave him a coy smile and replied, "We prefer to be called challenging."

He laughed and mocked, "Challenging. Got it." He pulled out another photo and said, "This is me and Chris playing football…"

He spent the next hour showing Samantha photos from camp, sharing stories and memories that he had almost forgotten about. It felt good to have this time to think of Chris the way he remembered and share it with someone he cared about.

Eventually Sam fell asleep next to him on the sofa and while he promised her he would get some rest, too, he was still wide awake with his thoughts when the sun rose a few hours later.