Disclaimer: I don't own Kung Fu Panda or the Hangover.
The trio had just made it to the top of the stairs when Mantis suddenly stopped walking.
"Hey, guys!" He whispered. "What about the elephant? What if he got out of the kitchen?"
The others stopped walking as well.
"Aw crap, I keep forgetting about that baby elephant!" Monkey groaned. "How the heck did he get in there?"
"I don't know… because I don't remember." Crane glared at Mantis as he said this.
"Well the healer did say that one of the side effects of Psycho Juice is memory loss." Mantis replied. Crane gave him a look.
"You know, I'm beginning to wonder whether Po really is the stupid one in the family."
"Guys, hush!" Monkey hissed as they quietly approached the path to the student barracks.
It wasn't that they were afraid of a little baby. It was that infant elephants were very strong, but were too young to know it. The trio knew they had to take care not to startle the baby.
Or at least that was their excuse.
They had just reached the path when they heard a small noise coming from the Hall of Warriors.
"Crap." Crane groaned. The elephant had escaped after all.
"Don't make any sudden moves." Monkey whispered as they stepped up to the entrance and carefully opened the doors a fraction.
"Is that music?" Crane frowned. Indeed, a pretty tune was emanating from the crack in the door.
They slipped through the crack and entered the hall, which was still a complete mess. There was a loud noise as the door shut behind them.
"Shhh!" Monkey glared at his friends as they crept further into the room. There was no sign of a baby elephant, but there was a large shape sitting in front of the moon pool.
An intruder.
The trio quickly rushed to the sides, hiding behind the large pillars. Monkey glanced at his friends, motioned them to move closer. Mantis moved first, zipping in between pillars.
He suddenly collided with another, smaller shape.
"AAAH!"
"AAAH!"
The insect and the figure jumped away from each other, startled.
"Who the heck are you?" Mantis exclaimed at the pretty, well dressed female pig in front of him.
"Bai Li?" Crane stared in astonishment from behind his pillar.
At that moment, the shape in front of the Moon Pool straightened up, revealing itself to be an elderly ram with huge muscles.
Monkey and Crane stepped out from behind their pillars as they stared at the visitor.
"Kwan the Unkillable?" Crane asked.
"Shhhhhh…" Kwan shushed the three men as Bai Li picked up the liuqin she had dropped upon being surprised by Mantis. "This is my favourite song."
Bai Li began playing the same tune the trio had heard before. Kwan slowly danced to the music, humming and approaching the trio as he did so.
"Hum with me…" He breathed as he danced in front of them.
Thinking of nothing else they could do, Crane, Mantis and Monkey slowly and hesitantly began humming along with the ram, wondering what the heck was going on as they did so. The Hall of Warriors echoed with the music and the humming, which blended seamlessly together to create a very lovely sound, until…
WHACK!
Mantis toppled from Monkey's shoulder as the primate was suddenly socked across the jaw by the retired wrestler. Monkey fell face first to the floor, out cold.
"Hey, what was that for?" Crane rushed to his friend as Mantis recovered from his fall.
"What Kwan would like to know is why you stole his nephew from his house last night." Bai Li said as she set down the instrument.
"Hey, are you talking about that baby elephant in the kitchen?" Mantis asked, looking up from the unconscious Monkey.
"Listen…" Crane stood up and looked Kwan in the eye. "Kwan, it's a great honour to meet you again, and we can't remember whether or not we really did steal your nephew and if we did we are really sorry and if you want to kill us then fine go right ahead because I don't even care anymore."
"Crane!" Mantis stared at his friend.
"What, it's true!"
"Why the heck would you want to steal my nephew?" Kwan asked.
"Listen, we do a lot of crazy stuff when we're drunk." Mantis said. "By the way, was Po with us at your house last night?"
"Yeah, the Dragon Warrior was there. So was this pretty tiger girl."
"That's Tigress." Crane said, before alarm bells suddenly started ringing in his head. "Wait a sec, what the heck did you just call Tigress?"
"Hey, I meant that as a compliment for a new acquaintance." Kwan replied. "Sorry if that didn't come out right. Now about my nephew…"
"Was Po involved in the theft?" Mantis asked. "Or did he leave the building early.
"Oh he was involved, all right." Kwan scowled. "In fact, he even left a note. That's how I tracked you boys down. You boys were lucky that I was sleeping at the time, 'cause if I had been awake… this wouldn't have gone down so smoothly."
The two warriors gulped.
"Look, Po's missing." Crane said. "Is there any way we can go to your house, and look around for any clues for where our friend is?"
"Sure, of course." Said Kwan, as he and Bai Li began to walk towards the exit. "How else am I going to get my nephew back?"
Crane and Mantis blinked.
"What?"
"Huh?"
"We're not putting that big boy in the palanquin." Bai Li said. "You brought him here, you bring him back."
Crane and Mantis gaped.
"But…"
"Don't me come back for him." Kwan said as he and his assistant disappeared out the door.
Crane and Mantis heard a groan behind them: Monkey was coming round.
"Hey, are you alright?" They rushed over to him.
"Whahitme?" Monkey asked as his friends helped him to his feet.
"This is so not fair!" Mantis groaned.
He, Crane and Monkey were gathered on a floor in front of the kitchen doors. In the middle of their little circle was a bowl of noodles. Crane was lacing the dish with cold medicine.
"Why can't you do it?" Mantis looked at Crane pleadingly.
"You were the one who put Psycho Juice in our drinks. This whole mess is your fault." Crane replied casually. "You're doing it and that's that."
"What about you, Monkey, you do it!"
"Monkey took a punch from Kwan the Unkillable! Come on, do this for Po!" Crane pushed the bowl over to Mantis. "Just put this bowl in the kitchen and get out of there."
Mantis gulped as he picked up the bowl.
"I don't think I can do this."
"You'll be okay."
"I hate you."
"I know."
Mantis slowly approached the kitchen, opened the door slightly, and slipped inside.
He peered around the corner of the nearest kitchen bench. The baby elephant was sucking on his trunk in the far corner of the room.
"Heeeck…" Mantis breathed as he carefully shut the door behind him.
"Just give him the bowl and get the heck out of there…" He whispered. He moved around the corner and stepped in front of the baby. He fought the urge to run as the baby turned to look at him.
"Hey, little guy." Mantis said nervously. "Look what I got for ya." He held out the bowl. "Here's some nice tasty noodles for ya… do you like noodles… I know my buddy Po does…"
He screamed as the baby stood up.
"WAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
He dropped the bowl and sprinted out the room. He slammed the door behind him and turned to his friends. He took a deep breath
"What do we do now?"
"We wait." Said Monkey.
(Disclaimer II: I don't own the original version of the upcoming song.)
Hours passed.
Day turned into night.
The trio sat in silence in the corridor outside the kitchen, listening to the munching sounds emanating from inside. Eventually, a bored Crane retrieved the liuqin from the Hall of Warriors and began to play.
"What do babies dream of
when they take a little baby snooze?
Do they dream of eating dumplings
Or the dragon warrior in a cool dragon suit?
Well don't you worry your cutey hairy head
We're gonna get you back to Kwannie
And your cosy baby bed.
Then we're gonna find our friend Po Ping
And then we'll cause Mantis a lot of pain.
Pooo, Po, Poey, Poey, Poey Po, Po…
But if he's been murdered by crazy croc bandits…"
They heard a thud from the kitchen: the cold medicine had finally taken effect.
"Well then we're hell outta luck."
"By the way, we're all gonna die." Crane whispered as they carted the sleeping baby elephant through the street on a wheelbarrow and dragged him onto the boat.
They sailed through the canal in silence, with Monkey at the wheel and Crane reading the map to Kwan's house. The baby slept in his wheelbarrow right behind them.
Crane looked up from the map to see Mantis staring over the rail with an odd expression.
"Hey, are you alright?" he asked.
Mantis looked at his friend.
"I didn't mean for this to happen." he said. "I didn't mean to poison us. I just wanted Po's first night out to be one he'd never forget."
Crane decided not to point out the irony of the what the insect had just said.
"Mantis, don't worry." he said. "We're going to find him."
"You aren't mad at me anymore?"
"I am, a little. The only thing that's keeping me sated is the thought of what Tigress is going to do when she finds out you got her wasted."
Mantis's eyes widened.
"Crane, how far are we from Kwan's house?" Monkey asked. Crane turned his attention back to the map.
"Just two more miles. His house is right next to the river."
"Right." Monkey said.
The trio looked straight ahead at the watery path before them, none of them noticing the baby elephant stirring behind them.
"Just turn left here into the forest." Crane said when they reached a fork in the path. Monkey did as he was told. "We should be there in fifteen minutes, tops."
"Hey Crane, stop poking me." Mantis snapped.
"I'm not poking, you Mantis." Crane said, not looking at him.
"Monkey, stop it then!" Mantis winced as something jabbed his back again.
"I'm way over here!"
"Then who's poking me?"
Mantis turned his head.
He saw the baby elephant looking back at him.
He screamed at the top of his voice.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
The baby screamed back, startled by Mantis's cry, and reached out with his trunk for the closest thing within reach… Crane's tail feathers.
Crane hollered as half of his tail feathers were yanked from his rear.
"YOOOOOAAARRRGGGHHH!"
Crane leapt away from the elephant, slamming into Monkey. Monkey's arms grabbed at the boat's wheel as he fell to the side, and the boat swerved violently, nearly colliding with the river bank. Monkey yelled as he tried to get up, lost balance, and fell to the other side. The boat served again.
Mantis was screaming in terror, Crane was screaming in pain, and all the screaming was making the baby elephant panicky. He reduced the wheelbarrow to splinters as he extricated itself from it and began stampeding around the deck. There was a jolt as the boat ran aground.
"ABANDON SHIP!" Monkey screamed, and leapt from the boat into the river. Mantis grabbed Crane's leg as the bird jumped from the deck and flapped erratically towards the river bank and touched ground.
Monkey climbed onto dry land to find his two companions in hysterics.
"AAGH! IT PLUCKED ME! LOOK AT MY BUTT! IT'S PINK!" Crane was screaming. Mantis was screaming profanities as he kept pointing at the panicking baby that was currently trashing the boat.
"COOL IT, GUYS!" Monkey ran over to them.
"MONKEY, LOOK!" Crane spun around to show Monkey his half-naked rear. "LOOK WHAT IT DID!"
"OH MY GAWD!" Mantis screamed. "LOOK AT YOUR BUTT! IT'S BLEEDING!"
"WAAAAGH!"
"STOP SCREAMING!" Monkey yelled. "YOU'RE SCARING THE BABY!"
The three of them screamed and leapt back simultaneously as a baby elephant's foot smashed through the hull next to their heads.
