Chapter Eight:
Miles continued to stay with me every night. There had not been any signs of Victoria since her last kill. Miles said he had not caught her scent either. He thought she may have moved out further from campus to hunt where she would be less conspicuous. I was thankful for the breathing room for the time being.
I didn't mention my lack of a roommate to Charlie when we talked on the phone. As for Miles, I decided to wait a while to tell my dad about him. It was difficult to describe what it was I had with Miles. We had become friends but it was a stronger connection than that. We shared something that no other human could understand.
I liked that there was no pressure from Miles to be more than friends. I did not bear the same guilt as I did with Jake for being unable to reciprocate the strong feelings he had for me. Miles understood what it was like to treasure personal space. While we enjoyed each other's company, deep down we wanted to be on our own. I was not positive of what he saw in me, but he was the one small link I had to the Cullens and I wasn't about to break it. I knew in the long run it could hurt me, once I came to terms with the fact that while Miles was similar, he could never fill the shoes of the person I loved. I simply tried to enjoy the happiness I felt, even if it was temporary.
I laid next to Miles wrapped like a burrito in my blanket to keep warm. At first it felt awkward, having him this close but I craved the familiarity of it. After a few weeks of him staying with me, it just felt like routine. He laid close next to me with his arm around my waist. It was amazing how even his smell brought back memories. I inhaled deeply.
I had to admit, I thought about what it would be like to kiss him. Miles certainly had never given me the impression that he would ever try, but something told me that maybe he wouldn't turn me away. It would be easy. I often slept with my head resting on his chest. I could lift my face to his; feel his cold mouth against mine. I imagined him locking his hands in my hair and pulling me closer to him, deepening the kiss. I knew his marble lips would be smooth and soothing. He could erase my mind of painful thoughts; even if only for a moment. I could possibly feel whole again.
I dismissed my asinine thoughts and opened my eyes to stare into the darkness of my room in order to clear my head. I could feel Miles' chest rise and fall against my back. I could never hurt him like that. He would know it wasn't him I pined to kiss. I already felt guilty for using him as much as I did. Besides, if it did remind me of being with him, it could be enough to break me all over again. And if kissing Miles felt completely new, well, I wasn't sure if I was willing to go that route either.
"Can I ask you something personal?" Miles asked cautiously. I could feel his cool breath through my hair. His voice sounded different but I couldn't identify what made it so.
"Of course," I said. I had shared more with Miles than I had with anyone in a long time. I felt I could tell him anything.
"You and this Cullen guy," he started, "did you two have a… physical relationship?"
I was glad I was turned away from him because I could feel my face turning a shade of red. "That's none of your business," I said.
"You're right, it's not," he said absently. "I was just curious if such a thing were possible." He paused for a moment. "Did he kiss you?"
The question was a punch in my stomach. I recalled the kisses we shared. The cool of his lips mine and the feel of his fingertips as he cupped my face between his hands. I tucked my knees up to my chest and attempted to control my breathing.
"I don't want to talk about him," I said curtly.
Miles gave a long sigh and rubbed my arm. "I know," he said. You never want to." Miles lightly pulled back on my shoulder. I rolled over onto my back to face him. His eyes were gentle.
"Have you ever talked to anyone about him? About Edward?"
This wasn't happening. I did not allow this to happen. I didn't think his name and I certainly did speak of him out loud. Why didn't Miles understand it was unbearable as it were? "No," I said. "It hurts too much to think about him."
"Maybe it would help to talk about it," he suggested.
I sat up with the blanket still wrapped tightly around me and did not say anything for a long time. I thought about how Miles would be the perfect person to explain everything to. He would not think I was crazy like Charlie or Angela. He didn't have an instinctual hatred for the Cullens like Jacob did. Also, I had to keep myself together around Jacob because I was afraid I would lose his friendship, but Miles knew what it was like to be completely broken.
So I told him. I told him everything. I described my first day at Forks High School, meeting my human friends. I talked about Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, and Alice. I went into great detail when describing Edward, his hair, smile, and kindness. Miles stiffened a bit as I told him about James and going to Phoenix. I explained what I knew of Victoria. I told him what happened at my last birthday and I broke down as I said out loud what had happened when Edward left. Miles rubbed my back as I explained how Jacob had helped put me back together. I skipped the part about my hallucinations, but he laughed when I told him that I rode a motorcycle. I explained that Jacob was a werewolf and had saved me from Laurent. I told him why I decided to go to college in Alaska.
It took hours, but Miles listened to every word without interjecting. I was surprised at how often I was able to smile as I remembered the intense happiness I once had. Perhaps I had focused too closely on the memories which had caused me pain. I still missed them all immensely, but a weight had been lifted sharing my secrets with Miles. I took in a deep breath.
"Are you alright?" Miles asked. He placed his hand on my shoulder.
"I think one day I will be," I said. I felt a huge sense of accomplishment. With my newfound courage I reached for my desk drawer and pulled out the CD. "He made this for me, for my birthday," I told Miles as I toyed with it in my hands. "I have not been able to listen to it since that night."
"I'd love to hear it," he said.
When I opened the case I was surprised to find a note inside. It had not been there before.
Bella, it read, in a handwriting I recognized instantly. I had to do what was best for you. I am deeply sorry. I love you. –Edward
"Oh my God, Miles," I said. He looked puzzled by my strange reaction and took the note from my shaking hands. "He lied. He- he lied to protect me. He still loves me! Oh my God, I'm going to kill him!" I didn't know whether to be ecstatic or furious. My breathing was erratic and my heart pounding. I jumped up and paced the room.
"We have to find him, Bella," Miles said. "You have to tell him you are nowhere near better off despite his insane plan."
With the initial anger resolving, I felt incredibly giddy and excited. Everything finally made sense. I knew how convincing Edward could be, and I could not believe I fell for it myself. It just seemed so plausible at the time, that he would not want to be inconvenienced by a dull human like myself. I recalled what he had said to me in the hospital in Phoenix when I begged him to stay with me always. "As long as it's what's best for you," he had said.
"But what about Victoria?" I asked Miles. "If I leave, she will follow me. I will lead her right to Edward."
Miles bit down on his lower lip. "Bella, I may act brave against the vampire chick when I'm surrounded by thousands of human witnesses, but I would not stand a chance against her by myself. I will need Edward's help."
I did not like the sound of this but I knew I did not have much of a choice. I could not stay on this campus forever and I had to find Edward, now.
"Alright," I said. "I'll figure it out later. We can't waste anymore time."
"Do you have any idea where he may be?" Miles asked. My energy waned as I realized I had no idea where he could have gone to. I sat down on my bed, rubbing my temples.
"No," I said finally. "But maybe there's someone who might be able to tell us something."
Miles looked at me questioningly. "Who?" he asked.
"We're going to Denali."
