Part 13 - It's Always Darkest Before the Dawn - Part 18 - The Fight for Helena's Life

Disclaimer: I don't own them, I just like to fiddle with them. I don't claim to speak through any official channels for the show, or the production company, and there is no profit being made. Dr. Mawer is mine.

Spoilers: Takes place soon after S2x12, spoilers yes

Props to Walt Whitman for the lines in HG's note


Part 13 - It's Always Darkest Before the Dawn

"Rules is rules, " Dr Mawer said dispassionately.

"There are no rules, you said this is the first time this has been allowed." Helena argued, "She needn't see me chained like an animal."

"The first rule is: what the Regents say goes. The second rule is: what I say goes. This is more for her comfort than anything," she reasoned, "You have someone on the outside who might still love you and care about you and the Regents have chosen to let you see her. No one else here has that. So cope with the inconvenience."


Myka paced outside the cell door. Usually she was never intimidated by a perp, but again, this was not an ordinary perp. Myka began to suspect there would be nothing ordinary in her life again, but she would have to deal with that when the time came. Gathering her anger in the pit of her stomach she stepped into the room behind the Dr. and stopped cold. HG had one arm shackled to a clear plastic swivel chair bolted to the floor next to a clear plastic table. She was as beautiful and elegant as ever, but with a black eye, split lip and torn skin on her knuckles. Her arms showed more muscle tone than Myka remembered too.

Helena brightened a little at seeing Myka, but then became serious. She knew what was coming, and she was unsure of the outcome. The attraction was still there but she set it aside.

Reflexively Myka made a little stomp with her foot to kill another flutter around her heart. HG looked at her oddly but said nothing.

"Is that really necessary?" Myka asked Dr. Mawer. Stunned, she gesturing toward the shackle.

The Dr. shrugged and turned to leave, "Not my rules."

Helena nodded in her direction, graceful as ever despite the restraint she raised her hand up as high as it would go and splayed her fingers saying, "Oh she's not a petty tyrant," Then raised her voice so it would carry, "JUST OVER CAUTIOUS!"

The Dr. simply raised a hand over her shoulder, flipped Helena off and said, "You're the one who knocked out three guards yesterday," as the door closed behind her.

"I am also already intimate with your choke hold," Helena continued to Myka, "you needn't worry about me."

Myka stared at the back of the door, then at Helena, "That's not very professional."

Helena looked back into her eyes and something dark passed over her features, "This is not a professional place governed by ethics boards Myka."

Myka sat down on the floor across the room from Wells. She leaned against the wall and crossed her arms. "And the…." She pointed to her own face.

"Oh," Helena shook her hair back, inadvertently revealing another bruise on her neck, "All trifles I assure you. Sparring, that's what Dr Mawer meant. I am helping train the guards by sparring with them. It passes the time."

Myka winced, unable to suppress her caring nature completely. After reading the letter Helena sent her hundreds of times, she thought she had begun to understand what had gone wrong in this woman's mind, but could that ever be set right if they treated her like this?

"You and I," Myka began then stopped.

"Careful, they are listening to every word here," Helena warned, nodding to the cameras on the walls.

"I don't care, don't ask don't tell doesn't apply to the Secret Service. Answer me."

"I'm not sure I can put it any more succinctly than I did in the letter."

"I need to hear it face to face," Myka fixed her with eyes of obsidian. Helena sighed, Myka continued, "Was I right? You kept dropping hints so we'd find you? So I could stop you?"

"I'm sorry, it was selfish, but yes, you were right. I knew I couldn't stop it, but you could stop me. The relationships I built with you, with Lattimer, Claudia, even Artie, meant something to me. I almost quit a thousand times." Myka snorted, "I did," Helena continued earnestly, "But I had set things in motion, I had planned all too well, I thought I was doing the right thing and that the sacrifice was worth it. It was selfish and I was wrong, but I was trying to make the world a better place Myka. To sow the seeds, a chance for humanity to rise above and become the noble species it was meant to be. The idea of resetting the world battled with everything good I had built with all of you and won. But you stopped me Myka, you are the embodiment of that nobility I wished to see."

A single tear spilled onto her cheek, probably just a crocodile tear Myka scoffed, but couldn't quite swallow the lump in her throat.

"I'm sorry Myka, but I never lied when I was with you. During those times I could just be with you and be happy. You were never wrong believing that I loved you."

"That wasn't enough? You had friends, you had an interesting job, and you had me, but you just couldn't help yourself?"

"Myka…" Helena looked pleading.

"DAMMIT YOU HAD ME!" Myka shouted at her cutting her off. She stood aggressively.

"IN THE END IT WAS ENOUGH!" Helena shouted back, then continued in a whisper, "But by then it was too late."

Myka was furious now and crying at the same time. She down at Helena, "you tried to kill me, the people I love…"

"But when the time came, I couldn't. Blame my conceit, thinking that I knew what was best for the world. Blame the attitude of paternalistic colonialism I was raised with. Even blame the Regents for having all of the information in my file but trusting me without considering that I may not have gotten over my daughter's death while encased in bronze for 110 years" Helena took a breath and reached for Myka, but Myka backed away. "Please don't ever blame or mistrust yourself Myka. You were right about me all along. I was the one too stupid to see in myself what you saw in me until I had gone too far."

"You nearly got Pete killed. You destroyed his relationship." Myka said.

"I needed to slow you two down. It wasn't anything you hadn't dealt with before." Helena answered.

"And his relationship?"

"She left him?" Helena asked.

"Yeah, she didn't want an 'exciting' life." Myka made little quotes with her fingers.

"Then she wasn't the right woman for him was she?"

Myka conceded the point, "You got Valda killed."

"I didn't intend for anyone to die like that, even those boys who started the dig. Again, it was nothing we hadn't dealt with before."

Myka shook her head, "What did you care if you killed anyone when you were going to kill everyone? You were trying to destroy the world."

"I didn't think of that Myka, I couldn't see the forest for the trees, but I'm not a killer. Aside from the trident I didn't have a weapon, had the Corsican Vest, a defensive tool."

Myka felt spent, she looked around the cell and noticed the drawings of herself, Pete, Claudia and Artie on the wall.

"You were right," Helena said, "bronzing was my time machine, I intended to give the world one last chance to redeem itself, and it has, you did that. I made a mistake, and I will answer for it." She paused, "People may still destroy the world. Global warming, new and more terrible weapons, I realize they don't need me for that. But others may also live extraordinary lives in the mean time. I wish I could have been content and could have that extraordinary life too. I wish I could have seen. But if people like you exist, maybe there is still a chance for humanity. Maybe even a chance for me."

Myka tried to process this, but still couldn't wrap her head around it. "So what now?" Myka swallowed wondering what Helena was in for. Not that she cared how HG was treated - but looking at the bruises she allowed herself to care a little. The woman she loved, who loved her was still in there.

"They intend to use me to further their ends, this is a facility used for research. Possibly development, I haven't ascertained that yet." Helena looked down, "They are testing me, and I have no doubt I'll pass… I believe I failed to destroy the world for a reason. I believe I failed because I'm meant to learn to live in this world, maybe even help heal it somehow. If our forays into the time stream taught us anything it's that the reality we know now has already accounted for any trips made in the time machine trying to change the past. I can't change the past, but I can better the future - em - in less destructive ways."

She looked back into Myka's eyes, "Perhaps I can even strive for the nobility I found in you. And perhaps if you can one day forgive me, I could forgive myself for the pain I caused you. Thank you for saving my life Myka, and saving the world. You did that because you trusted me, not in spite of it."

Myka stood up and walked over to her. Her mind battled between doubt and belief. She believed that Helena loved her, but didn't know whether she was certain the rest of Helena's mind wasn't still nuts and just saying the right things. She reached down and cupped Helena's cheek. Helena closed her eyes and her whole demeanor relaxed as she leaned toward the touch. Tears crept between her lashes and landed in her lap.

Myka tried to swallow the hard knot that had risen again in her throat but failed. She took her hand away and turned. "I want to forgive you Helena." Knocking at the door she left as the tears began to stream down her face.


Part 14 - Truth

"She's being genuine," Startled by the voice Myka turned to see Dr Mawer leaning against the wall next to the doorframe.

"How can you be so sure?" She asked, wiping her eyes.

"I've spent the better part of the last few months poking and prodding her mind, wringing every last bit out of her and analyzing what I find. I can tell you it isn't easy, she's a real pain in the ass and a little bit of a masochist."

"Every?" Myka felt a little queasy thinking about what would have to be done to a person as strong as HG to do that.

"Everything I could. Fear, anger, pain, accomplishment, curiosity, regret, everything except joy, I didn't get that one until you showed up."

This Dr seemed so detached about what she was putting Helena through, "Are you even human? Are you doing this to her for fun? Are you torturing her to punish her?" Myka asked.

The Dr ran a hand through her short blond hair and stopped at the back of her neck, "I'm being kinder to Helena than you think. She's like an addict Myka. Addicts can be duplicitous, cheat and steal to get their fix. Her fix was the mother of all fixes, but it was the answer to the same basic need: to numb the pain of loss. It soothed her suffering like a drug to think she could fix the horrors of this world."

Myka, "How could she believe that she could do that and still care about me?"

Mawer, sighed and continued, "Your gut instinct that she loves you is right. Addicts can love, and be good at heart, but the addiction gets in the way and takes over. The person you saw in her, who loved life, with the curious inquisitive mind, and the caring soul won out because of her love for you when you intervened. There is still that other part of her though, where the pain that needed to be soothed is and that's the part I'm working on. You started it, now it's up to me to finish it." She paused, thinking, "I may send word… would you come back in a few weeks?

Myka, wanted to, but hesitated, "Can you help her?"

"I think so, she won't be chained to a chair next time, I promise," Mawer thought for a minute, "I don't think you should mention this to the rest of your team… Not yet."

Myka considered, "They trust me, I won't lie to them."

Mawer nodded deep in thought, "Good," and walked away, motioning to the guard to see her out.

Myka left the door of the facility and ignored Mrs. Frederic's car. Stepping on to the gravel road she began to run. Her feet kicked up plumes of dust as her legs churned. She ran until the each breath burned her lungs and her legs nearly buckled, but her tears dried. When she stopped Mrs. Frederic's car pulled up beside her. The door opened and she sat down inside the blacked out interior for the silent ride home to Leena's.


Part 15 - The Fight for Helena's Soul

"How are we today?" Dr. Mawer entered the room, Helena looked up from her book. Mawer was wearing loose workout gear.

"I don't know how 'we' are, but 'I' am bored."

"Well, grab your gloves," She said and walked out.

They faced off and bowed to each other. The gym had been cleared, it was the two of them alone.

As they circled each other Helena watched for weakness and tells. Every shift in weight every muscle twitch was noted. "So, do you go home every night to your family? Children? Your partner? And leave me here to rot?"

Sierra regarded her with those deep dark eyes, "No." she said, and jabbed. Helena blocked and countered swiping air as Mawer dodged.

"So," Mawer began. She feigned a kick and lunged, they traded a series of blows and blocks. "You're very good. You started training when you were ten? Pretty unusual for a girl during your time. What made you want to start training?

"Nothing, I was always a curious child."

"No, what happened."

"Nothing." Helena punched twice and landed the third, Mawer staggered back Helena grinned.

"Who then?"

"No one."

"Why did you need to protect yourself?" Mawer grabbed Helena's wrist and tried for a throw, but Helena twisted, spun and contacted Mawer on the back shoulder with an elbow. Mawer shifted and spun blocking a kick with her leg.

"You are quite good as well," Helena said, impressed.

"WHO?" Mawer grabbed Helena's collar and attempted a sweep, Helena broke her grasp and danced away.

"What does it matter? It was good that I learned to care for myself."

"Tell me. Stop deflecting, I thought you said you had nothing to hide?"

"I was small, with my father in the market. I wandered away, and a stranger found me behind the stalls." She directed a kick at Mawer's head, which was blocked. "He was never caught." She sniffed, "It was quite common in those days, even Freud…"

"Don't rationalize, it was wrong, you were a child." Another exchange of blocks and attacks followed. There was no sound except for leather gloves hitting flesh.

"I know that," Helena said a little out of breath

"Don't know. Feel."

Helena tried for a sweep, missed and waved a hand dismissively, "Psychobabble."

"So then you learned how to fight. You learned everything else you could too, so you could protect yourself." She aimed two punches, was blocked and retreated, "You worked at Warehouse 12 and helped make the world a safer place. You knew the dangers of the world and prepared for them, spent a lifetime conquering them. Then one day your daughter is killed."

Helena snarled at her, "I don't want to talk about this."

Mawer dodged another kick to her face, "You worked so hard to protect yourself and you failed to protect your daughter…" Helena stopped and Mawer finished, "Twice."

Helena felt the pain run through her like a kick in her stomach, only Mawer hadn't moved. The fear, the guilt, the shame all compressed her lungs making it difficult to breath.

Mawer continued, "The first time she died in a random act. Then she died again, even when you went back in your time machine your couldn't protect her, with all your strength and smarts, even forewarned."

Rage filled Helena's eyes, something inside her shattered and sent molten shards through her body. She lunged at Sierra with everything she had, trying to pummel every inch of her to a pulp. Mawer blocked without countering, hit after hit, until Helena was exhausted and tripped forward. Sierra caught her and guided her to the floor as she sobbed. Holding Helena's head in her lap she stroked her hair until she heard the other woman begin to take deeper breaths then said, "It wasn't your fault."

For the first time since losing her little girl, those words sank into her consciousness and stayed there. She finally saw the truth. Helena wiped her face with a gloved hand and sat up, "We deal with the trials of life the best we know how."

"Helena, that's fine for most people. They will never hurt more than the few people around them. But for people like you and I, when we have so much power, it is more dangerous. We have to work through it, otherwise we take actions like trying to bring about another ice age. The more intelligent we are, the more responsibility we feel for the things that happen around us. But even we can't predict everything, we just can't. That doesn't mean we failed, that doesn't mean we can fix it, and that doesn't mean we should give up."

Helena nodded, thought for a moment and stood. She reached down and helped Mawer up. She noticed that for all their traded blows, Mawer didn't have a single bruise, but she was too tired to think about it.

They walked back to Helena's cell. Mawer tapped the door and it opened.

"Why won't it open for me?" Helena asked, ever curious.

"DNA scanner."

"Ah," Helena marveled, "So I could knock you out and escape then?"

"No you couldn't," Sierra responded, "First off, if you tried that you'd never get out of here, legit channels or otherwise, and second," Sierra actually winked at her, "I can't be knocked out."

Helena frowned, "Legit channels?"

Sierra nodded and began to move away, but Helena took her hand and stopped her. "You live here then? No family?"

Sierra nodded again, she owed Wells a little honesty after what she'd put the woman through - and they weren't done.

"Stay with me?"

A no paused on her lips. Mawer looked down into those dark eyes, a kindred soul looked back, she was worried for Helena's safety over the next week, but there was nothing more she could do. "Ok, but keep your hands to yourself. No funny business or I'll kick your ass again."

Helena held up a hand, "On my honor."

Helena awoke still dressed but curled against a female form. Myka? No, but a friend. Cold water washed through her limbs when she remembered Sierra's comment about getting out by legit channels. There was still the remotest chance that she could see Myka again, and if it were legitimate, that Myka would be willing to see her. She snuggled back in and Sierra put an arm around her. Helena took the arm and held her close, drifting back to sleep.


Part 16 - Forgiveness isn't Conditional

Myka sat in the library, running her fingers down the spine of The Time Machine. It was 2am and she was tired, but couldn't sleep again.

Claudia poked her head around the corner, "Hey homeslice." She greeted gently.

"Up late 'Chomping up teh internets'?" Myka inquired.

"Yeah, still trying to locate Todd," Claudia eyed Myka, "It's hard being away from people you care about."

Myka just looked at her with sad eyes, "when's the trial?"

"Next week. I should be able to get a line on him after that."

"The people I love let me down Claud."

"Pete, Artie, Leena and I love you too Myka," Claudia pointed out.

"Sam thought he knew better than me and got himself killed," Myka continued, "HG…" she trailed off and looked down at the book in her hands.

Claudia was glad Myka was finally opening up, but she didn't know what to say. She sat down next to Myka and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. Myka put her head on Claudia's shoulder. "Is it me? Do I bring this on myself?"

"You seem to be drawn to capable intelligent people Myka. There's no shame in that."

"HG was nuts Claud."

"Yeah, but I'm pretty sure she wasn't completely nuts. Artie told me what you did. It's easy to overlook stuff when you care about someone like that, and you stopped her because she wouldn't kill you. That must mean she wasn't totally deranged. She thought she wanted something, but you understood her better than she understood herself. At least that's what Artie said. She freaked me out, but her bristly edges always relaxed when you showed up."

"They let me see her."

Claudia looked at her closely. "They did what now?"

"I talked to her."

Claudia twitched.

"The Dr there said she might be able to get better."

Claudia took a deep breath and remembered her time in the psych ward, they weren't all morons in there, some of it helped. "So if she gets better, then what?"

"I don't know, I think the Regents will use her for something."

"Use her? Myka…"

"I don't know Claud, but I think I understand. I think I could forgive her…But I don't see how anyone else could."

Claudia sat there and thought for a bit. She didn't want Myka to get hurt again, but not being able to forgive HG was hurting her too. A small snore came from the head on her shoulder. Claudia slid the book out of Myka's fingers and settled in, Myka needed all the rest she could get.


Part 17 - Summons

Mrs. Frederic handed Myka an envelope and left. The first of two notes inside read:

To: Agent Myka Bering,

Please come to the facility with Mrs. Frederic on the 25th of this month. Thank you.

Dr. Mawer

The second note was in Helena's writing:

Myka,

Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged

Missing me one place search another

I stop somewhere waiting for you.

Helena

Myka checked the calendar, the 25th was three days away.


Part 18 - The Fight for Helena's Life

Dropping to one knee to avoid the electric arcs, she had already taken off the goggles and slung them over her arm. Hopping on to the wall she quickly climbed horizontally past the spike pit, ducking two ropes trying to throttle her. An orange glow reminiscent of the hall in Warehouse 2 flickered around the next corner. She rounded a series of twists and turns lit by torches and stopped short. Three columns rotated with blades jutting out at intervals. 'This shouldn't be too hard,' she thought, 'Just a matter of timing.' She could already see the path. Like a Double Dutch jump roper she moved in and hopped in place, shifted, then hopped and was done.

Wiping sweat off her brow she stopped and felt a sting on her arm. She glanced at her bicep and saw blood leaking from two thin parallel gashes, "Bloody hell," she said out loud.

It was hot here due to the plumes of fire ahead shooting from floor to ceiling. No real challenge there, again it was just a matter of timing. Taking her time and picking her way through she saw the door to the way out up ahead. She had made it! Taking a few steps toward it she heard a grinding sound. She looked up and saw the stone slab on the ceiling careening down on her.

She was too far from the door - too slow - she tensed.

A shove from behind propelled her through the doorway and to her knees just in time to feel the floor shake from the impact. Trembling she stood up and looked around. What she saw made her clench her back teeth and swallow to force the rising bile back down.

As the slab rose back up Dr. Mawer shifted despite the massive injuries to her right side. Half her torso, right arm and right leg were nothing but a bloody mass of goo and bone held together with shorts and a t-shirt. Sierra gurgled and Helena crouched beside her, placing a hand on the shoulder that was not destroyed. She knew enough medicine to know that there was no way the woman could survive this.

Mawer's left hand found Helena's ankle and squeezed it, almost reassuringly. Helena forced herself to look back at the injuries, and was bewildered by what she saw. Bone pieces found each other and knitted back together, blood stopped flowing and flesh heaved, finding its proper place. Skin slowly began to re-form as Mawer staggered to her feet.

Helena made a noise to speak but Mawer held up a silencing hand. Taking a deeply painful breath to inflate the new lung for the first time, she raised her face to the ceiling and screamed an elongated, "OUCH!"

Helena smiled in relief. "Well that is a right useful trick." She commented.

Dr. Mawer scowled at her, "We can't all, and some of us don't. That's all there is to it." She took another deep breath and shook her arm out, "I told you, I hate wasting my time."