Chapter Seven: Philosophy of Dreams
"I just need to rid my body of something I do not need…"
Externally, Zuko carried a level head upon his shoulders, a valiant expression upon his face, and a gait of royal significance. But on the inside, his reality was of a tremendous torment.
It was all connected to Azula. She was the figure of his rage, his doubt, everything else.
Zuko made the assumption that she was just a pointless attention-getter, one that lacked the notice as a child and was making up for it on his behalf.
Typical, he supposed, of a greedy woman as she was.
She even had the audacity to rob him of his precious dreams. She had visited him a number of times with a haunting message of reminder.
"I just need to rid my body of something I do not need…"
He smiled without mirth and let the nagging sensation go. He strolled gallantly to the temporary compartment of the Avatar in the royal palace. Zuko repeatedly admitted to himself that the only one that could possibly decipher his reveries was Avatar Aang. He understood the fact that Azula was not really ever there in his presence, so he had quickly deduced possible spiritual connection.
With a quiet, but demanding knock, Zuko entered the room. The Avatar was wittily entertaining his cat-like pet, Momo, and did not instantly acknowledge Zuko's foreboding and morbidly concerned presence.
He cleared his throat to garner the young man's attention.
The Avatar turned quickly, eyes widened with childish irritation. Work, in the spirited boy's mind, should never impede on play, as simple as it may be. Zuko sensed that there was probably a holy link to that little pocket of wisdom.
But he shrugged it off, "Aang, I know that I am in no position to disturb you," he nodded toward the little animal, "but I need to ask you about something."
Aang nodded slowly. He levitated his body with his bending and stood face-to-face with his once mortal enemy. He smiled sweetly and bowed in generous respect, "Ask me anything."
The Avatar was a man of fifteen years of age with a slightly better build and muscular structure. Zuko reasoned it to be an act of puberty setting in and not much else.
He lowered his head with a slight note of embarrassment, "Well, this may sound odd coming from the chief of the Fire Nation," he shifted his body weight to his right side, leaning toward the wall of the doorway, "but I have to admit that my conscience has not been as clear as it should be, Aang."
With a similar expression to that of a confused puppy, Aang cocked his head and furrowed his eyebrows, "In what context, Zuko? It's not like you are going against your nation anymore."
"In a way, I feel that I am."
"How so?"
Zuko exhaled audibly, a slight uncertainty in his tone, "With you being the bridge from our world to the Spirit World, I just wanted to ask if there is a connection between the dreams of our realities to that of the philosophies in the Spirit World.
"Is there?"
"Well," Aang said, trying with his best efforts to bring up something from his youth, "the Monks always said that dreams have meaning pertaining to those that conceive them. Where are you going with this, Zuko?"
"Lately, I have been fearing my own rest and peace. For about three weeks or so, Azula has visited me in my sleep. I don't know if it is out of conscious guilt or if she really has something important to tell me."
Aang shrugged his shoulders, "So this happened right after we came to visit her at the Boiling Rock?"
"Yeah, the night right after we left."
"Did she say anything that stuck to you? Anything worth pointing out?"
Zuko raised his head, staring around the inner bowel of the room, "She told me that her fall into destruction was that of an accident. She blamed it on Father. She stated that it all started when she was a little toddler, sitting upon our father's knee. She was to be someone great. But Father beat her to keep her on his side, to make her the true prodigy that he saw her to be."
"Do you believe it at all?"
"I don't know. From the time I was young, I have always based my opinions on her tendency to lie. Azula compulsively falsified every little thing when we were kids growing up. As of now, I do not know whether or not to trust her."
"I can understand that," Aang said, recalling her wicked trickery on the Day of Black Sun, "but perhaps you should focus yourself on her instead, what she hopes to get out of this.
"Perhaps there is a side of her that neither of us has seen."
"Maybe you're right, Aang. She became a different person. For the first time in my life, I actually saw her cry. I saw her regret something.
"She actually seemed human."
Aang gave a perplexed look to Zuko's statement. He had a firm belief that all people were human beings and as humans, they were capable of a great good or a great evil, and despite these opposites, they were still worth fighting for.
"Zuko, she's your sister, of course she is human. We all sin and make mistakes: you did, I did, and even she did."
"But she did not have a conscience. She killed without mercy and displayed no affection. You could not even imagine what she almost did to Katara."
Aang sulked, his feet shuffled with his frustration, "I know, but it does not excuse her from worthiness. All life is sacred."
Zuko gave a small smile to that statement, remembering the silly anecdote that went with it.
Aang continued, "What did she do in the dreams? What of her actions and words?"
"Well, she cradled her body as if she felt cornered like a child. I don't know if this was a dramatically desired effect, or if she really was afraid. She never spoke of a single fear in her life, not even death. It just seemed so well played, perfectly acted out."
"Consider her side this time."
"Actually, there is another point I could go into."
Aang gestured Zuko with his deep gray eyes, forcing the Firelord to continue, "I touched her."
The Avatar grimaced at the external thought of Zuko's words, but did not utter a single remark.
"The whole situation was so gauche, but something inside of me forced me to keep doing it. It was not a sexual thing, as I have Mai, but it was more of a revelation of sorts.
"Aang, she was nothing but skin and bones. I felt her spine, hips and ribs, feeling for a single sign of life upon her skin, but there was none.
"She was starving herself."
"On the thought of that, she did appear quite lethargic and her face was severely drawn. I can see some verity to that part of your dream. But the purpose holds so many possibilities. For one, she could be playing the role of the attention-grabbing child, but of what purpose is that to learn from? From her experiences with you, I would think that she would know that you learned that a long time ago. I think there is something else to it, perhaps a connection to the events in her life. Is her prison activity monitored?"
"No, I had decided not to do that to her, as she was suffering enough."
"What of the murder? Did she ever reveal anything about that in your dreams?"
"Well, I coaxed her into speaking about it, but she gave me no definitive answer. She'd said that it was someone I knew once, a person she herself had once cared about. Now, I know my sister well enough to not fall for that."
"Are you sure? I mean, she did have a close relationship with your father. Maybe with expressing a lie about her past, she is in reality trying to protect him."
"She said it was someone somewhat obvious, so maybe there is a connection there." Zuko confessed, but changed the subject, "What about the spirits? You never really answered my question on that."
Aang placed his right hand on his chin and rubbed it lightly, contemplating the situation, "Spirits only consume themselves in the lives of mortals when it is worth their while. If there indeed was a connection to the spirits, they would desire something of you to be coming to you like that."
"Is it my position in power?" Zuko offered as a suggestion, "I am the Firelord, son of the disgraced Ozai."
Aang quickly cut him off before he continued, "No. Spirits do not concern themselves with the external side of a person, but the inner soul. A guilty conscience, destruction of nature, outward chastisement of a spirit, those sorts of things would trigger resentment. As we were on our way to the North Pole, we came across a forest that was destroyed by the Fire Nation. The spirit of the woods was Hei-Bai and he was angered by the destruction that was bestowed upon his home. He took captives in the nearby town out his rage, but with the knowledge that his home would soon grow back, he let go of his fury and released his hostages.
"See? Do you get my point?"
Zuko nodded with a questionable approval, "What of me? I never did anything to upset the spiritual balance."
"Maybe you did."
"What?"
"The spirit of the Sun is called Agni, right? Though Agni himself was just the first human firebender, he died into a spirit. As with many firebenders, perhaps he saw fire as a destructive toy and that is how he portrayed it. Maybe the spirit of Agni is angered because you were the one that turned against the nature of flames. Ozai and Azula could've been the modern messengers of Agni's vision."
"No, you're wrong," Zuko scolded, "The spirit of Agni was a peaceful one. He was the father of firebending and only yearned to pass down his ability that he had taken from the newly born Sun. With his death, he powered the Sun with the skill of fire and became it. He was not seen as the enemy. If he was, the balance between day and night would be tampered with."
"That's similar to Yue becoming the Moon when the Koi Fish was killed by Admiral Zhao."
"Exactly."
"It makes sense. Two of the most prominent spirits are that of the Sun and Moon. Agni and Yue. They live and control the tides of the water and the light of the day. Each has a solstice and an equinox to balance them out so they work as one, even though they are seen as complete opposites."
"So then Agni is not angry at me, right?"
"I don't know. I am not all that familiar with that spirit, as I have not met with him personally. He could just be a gentle spirit that holds a belief in the aspect of family. Though it seems simple and pointless, Agni was a spirit of many brothers: all of you in the Fire Nation. Perhaps he sees this as disrespect to bloodline. He displayed generosity to his siblings and passed down a noble cause. You turned against your sister who shares your flesh."
"I see the connection. But there is one last thing to point out."
Aang prodded him to speak, "The last words she said in every dream were the same. It was as if she centered herself at this statement."
"What is it?"
"I just need to rid my body of something I do not need…"
Aang gave a disgusted look of confusion, "I don't know what to make of that at all."
"She would not ever dare to look me in the eye as she would say that. Her eyes would wander to her stomach."
"Maybe she is sick. Prison life is not always best.
"Or maybe she is dying…"
Zuko backed off with a step. He did not ever think to picture it in that perspective. All of his life, he had always thought his sister was immortal, a woman of no pain or illness. She was always healthy growing up. Her only notable problem was her mental condition, which was recently diagnosed as schizophrenia.
He spoke timidly, "So, do you really think that is what it is? I mean, Azula was always in good physical shape. Her body was prone to no illness. She never had a disability to keep her off of her feet. In a way, she indeed was perfect."
"I do not know." He turned to Zuko, glaring at him with his incisive colorless eyes, "Zuko, this is something you have to figure out for yourself. You faced this sort of thing with your uncle and with your banishment. You find yourself asking me the questions. In all reality, these questions are meant for you.
"I will give you one bit of advise: Azula is your ticket into the answer books. She is the only one that understands her inner tribulation. In order for you to grasp it, you have to get inside her heart, to make her care enough to open up to you.
"Give her what you forgot to give her in her childhood. Give her a brother that she can trust and offer a hand to. You and Azula existed as mortal enemies, as sibling rivals, not as blood relatives.
"Change all of that. Do it for her, and maybe you will learn something yourself."
Aang strolled past the Firelord and exited the palace room, his pet following devotedly behind him. As he left, Zuko turned back with a dubious stare.
He recalled his banishment. Had he come to another crossroad in his destiny? Another tribulation had befallen upon him, and again, he found himself in complete disarray in attempting to figure himself out of it.
As much as he hated Azula, he just wanted to make things right again. If he could restore the balance of the nations, then why could he not restore the balance of his family?
But how far did Azula want to go into it, if she did at all? She was not one to bargain, as she had remained silent to him with a turned back.
Her silence was what he needed to understand. Why did she cease to speak? What quieted her?
What had hurt her? Why did she not let it out? Why did she keep it bottled up inside her heart?
There was a sense of desperation in his dreams, desperation in her. Perhaps she was willing to negotiate with him.
Maybe the real Azula was just a lonely child, someone that he never knew.
With his own two eyes, he had only seen the dark side of her moon.
In his heavy heart, he admitted that the light had never crossed him. She never displayed it to anyone.
Perhaps there was another side…
The side of her that he had never bothered to look for…
