Fall blows blustery and chilly through Boston, spinning up little tornados of leaves that the girls chase down the sidewalk, shrieking and laughing. Caught up in a game of their own invention.

"Not too far," Jane says, loud enough for only Maura, who is walking next to her, to hear.

"They're fine, sweetheart," Maura says, meaning it in much more general terms. "They're fine."
What she means, but does not say explicitly, is that their children are tough and resilient, and that she and Jane have managed too successfully shield them from Jane's flashbacks and night terrors and upwards of four showers a day.

"Mama, you did a good job getting the baddie?" Isabelle had asked one evening as they'd climbed into bed.

"She musta done," Sofia had answered for Jane, "She was a longer time away than ever."

Jane had cried hard that night, curled into a ball, hugging herself, and Maura had rubbed up and down her arm, careful not to press against her, whispering to her.

Jane pulls her coat tighter, buttoning the top button, and Maura notices that she doesn't wince as she does so.

Her wrists and hands are always the last to come back from any type of trauma, and Maura holds onto this new improvement with everything she has.

"Jane," she says, and the brunette shifts her attention, "I want to hold your hand, honey. Can I do that?"

Jane hesitates, then nods, holding out her long fingers, watching as Maura slips hers between them. She seems awed that it does not hurt.

"I love your hands," Maura says quietly. "I love your palms and your fingers and your wrists. Everything about them. They're beautiful. You're beautiful, and I love you so much."

It's something she's taken to doing, anytime Jane lets her make contact. Reaffirming how much she loves her wife. How beautiful she still is.

Jane smiles a little, almost sadly. And Maura manages to keep in a sigh. She wishes Jane would laugh, or cry, or- more like her- roll her eyes and say something sarcastic like, always the surprised tone. Like it could never happen.

But then Jane squeezes Maura's hand.

It's not much, and it's not a big squeeze, but it's enough to make Maura smile. And Jane, watching the doctor out of the corner of her eye, relaxes a little.

The park is crowded and loud, families taking advantage of one of the last sunny days before snowfall. It is only mid-October, but the deep chills at night carry a warning that the winter is going to be a hard one.

"Maura!" A sandy haired woman calls out to them and waves as though they are much further away than fifteen feet or so. Maura smiles automatically, recognizing her as the mother of some friends of the twins, and watches her children hurry towards the jungle gym.

"Not too high," Jane breathes, and she drops Maura's hand to follow after them.

Maura watches her wife and her children, listening with half an ear to the woman next to her.

Isabelle jumps from a rung towards her mother, and Maura catches her breath. Jane catches her automatically, but a spasm of pain crosses her face as she does so, and Maura watches her shut the emotion off completely, pulling Isabelle to her for a hug before releasing her to let her go again.

"You're alright?" The woman next to her is saying, having heard her gasp.

Maura nods, already waving her away, "Yes, yes…excuse me." She hurries over to them.

"Jane," she says quietly, "Tell them not to do that. They're really getting too big to pick up and carry and catch…"

"Its fine," Jane says and she glances at Maura, who almost loses her balance as at her wife's expression. It's…playful. "I can still catch you, Maur," she says softly. Maura feels her stomach flip. "besides," Jane continues, watching the girls scamper off towards the slide. "I like catching them."

Maura smiles. "Okay."

...

But she sends Jane home fifteen minutes later. A man, a father of one of the children there probably, taps her on the shoulder to ask her for the time, and by the time Maura manages to answer and send him on his way, Jane is shaking so violently, she looks like she might have epilepsy.

"Honey, let me get the girls and we'll go. Just let me-" Maura's hands reach out and fall back…unsure.

"No. No. I'm fine. I'm just going to go home. Don't stop them playing, Maur, they've been cooped up enough. You're okay here? Alone?"

"Yes. Yes, but someone should be with you when-"

But Jane's hand on her arm is enough to bring her up short. She looks from the contact up into serious brown eyes. "I'm fine. I'm just exhausted. And sore. And…" She falters, "A little scared. I just want to sack out in our room."

Maura nods, still unable to believe that Jane is touching her. "Okay."

Jane's smile is fleeting as she turns away. Maura watches her go, her stride long and casual. Not quite confident.


Not even five minutes after Jane gets home, the doorbell rings. She hauls herself off the couch and pads down the hall to look through the windowpane.

"Ma?"

She opens the door on her mother, "what-?"

"Maura called me. She said you were home alone, because some man startled you in the park?"

Jane sighs, but pulls the door open. Her mother steps in, surveying her. Her face softens. "Look. I brought a book. I won't even bother you. I'm just here to make sure you don't…"

"Hang myself in the shower?"

Angela's eyes widen, "I didn't realize that was a possibility," she says in a small voice. Jane rolls her eyes, and turns away from the door, hearing her mother shut it behind her.

"It's been a month, Ma. If I wanted to be dead, I'd be dead."

She thinks about going to the living room, but opts instead for the kitchen. She reaches for the refrigerator door and her shoulder protests mildly, twinging in pain. From catching snug, she thinks, sighing. She stares into the fridge long enough that she doesn't really see the contents after a while, her eyes misting over as she remembers the cold hard metal floor of Dominick's truck…

"Jane," the voice makes her jump, which makes her wince, which makes her swear.

"Fuck. Shit…Damnit Ma," She says irritably, realizing that Maura always makes noise as she comes into a room. "Damnit," Jane swears again as it dawns on her that her wife has deliberately beenmaking noisy entrances for her benefit.

"I'm sorry," her mother says quickly, "I'm sorry. I just came out to talk to you. But we don't have to talk. I can go read my book."

Jane stares at her mother, "What is this?" she asks, eyes narrowing.

Angela looks back at her blankly.
"You haven't yelled at me once about how dangerous my job is. You haven't had a crying fit. You haven't told me how I'm also endangering the welfare of my children and wife…Did you get body snatched while I was gone?"

Angela looks torn between indignant and nervous, "I don't always-" she begins, but at a look from her daughter, she falls silent.

"what's going on Ma? Why aren't you acting…normal?"

Angela's eyes get misty. "Because it never seemed like you could die before," she says quietly.

Jane blinks. "what?"

"Everything else that's happened to you. Even when you…you know…did that awful thing to yourself, I didn't think you would die. It didn't seem…real. You would come home and I would yell at you, because you'd just made me worry for nothing. There was no real way you could ever…" Angela looks up at Jane, "But when he took you. When I saw you in the hospital bed with those marks on you…I-I just kept thinking I need more time." Angela puts her hand over her mouth.

Jane stands, completely shocked, looking at her mother.

"And I see the way Maura looks at you. Like she's afraid you'll disappear, and I. I didn't get enough time to tell you how proud I am of you…I didn't get…"

"Ma," Jane moves forward. "I'm right here. I'm not dead."

"You are," Angela says. "A little, Jane. Something in you… went out."

Jane sighs, reaching out to put her hand over her mother's on the counter. "Yeah. It went out. But it didn't die, Ma. I'm working to get it back okay?"

"How do I help you?" her mother's voice is muffled.

Jane smiles a little, "Yell at me."

"What?"

"Yell at me. Tell me how I kept you up all night with indigestion. And you'll never get a decent night's sleep because of my job," She looks into her mother's face, trying to explain with her eyes that she wants to hug her, but is not. quite. there yet.

A slow smile creeps over Angela's face. "How dare you," she says softly, lovingly.

Jane smiles. "You have to put your hands on your hips."


Frost shows up at the park, sliding onto the bench next to Maura, making her jump.

"Hi Uncle Frostie!" Isabelle calls as she zooms by, and Sofia look up briefly from where she is trying to build something out of rocks.

"Hello ladies," he says, reaching out to squeeze Maura's arm.

Maura chuckles.

"What's so funny?" he asks.

"I called Angela to be with Jane," Maura says.

Frost smiles, "Well. You're both just two sides of a coin. Can you blame her for calling me?"

"No. I'm glad you're here. Did she sound alright?"

"She sounded tired. And apologetic."
"She touched me."

"Voluntarily?"

Maura nods. And Frost gives her another squeeze. "That's wonderful, Maura."

They sit for a moment, watching the girls play.

"Do you remember him?"

Frost looks confused. "Who?"

"Dominick. I keep meaning to ask you, and then forgetting. Jane says he told her that she punched a guy for giving him a wedgie. She doesn't remember, but it was before I came…do you remember him?"

Frost pauses. "No."

"No…but…" Maura presses him.

"You have to understand. Jane was always doing that sort of thing. How she was so popular and yet punched and kicked and snarled at so many people, I will never know."

Maura was afraid of this. She looks away, hoping that Frost will miss the look on her face.

"Hey," he says, his tone clearly stating that he has not.

"She doesn't remember him. She doesn't remember any of them," Frost says, "But she never got you out of her head from the moment she met you. She remembered you for fifteen years. She married you. She loves you."

"She hasn't said it."

"How many times was she forced to say those words in that room?"

Maura closes her eyes, "A lot."

"C'mon Doctor. It's me."

"Thirty Seven," Maura says, and again the jealousy and the anger are whirring up inside of her.

"Thirty seven," he repeats, and if he is surprised by the number, his voice doesn't show it.

She leans her head on his shoulder, looking out to where both children are now squatting over Sofia's creation. Isabelle knocks it over by accident, and knowing what her sister's reaction is going to be, jumps to her feet and speeds towards her mother, her face a comical mask or fear and smugness.

"IZZY!"

Maura stands, shaking her head, readying herself to be peacekeeper.

Frost stands too, "Maura," he says urgently, wanting to get this in before Isabelle reaches them. "The psychologist on call the day of her discharge suggested she take a few days, stay at a hotel , gather herself…"

Maura looks at him with wide eyes, "why didn't anyone tell me-"

"She shut him down so hard I thought he was going to have whiplash," Frost cuts across her.

"She chooses you."

...


...

"Mommy!" Isabelle dashes into the kitchen and Maura looks up from her cookbook.
"Shh, Isabelle, Mama's sleeping, okay?" Maura says, gesturing the little girl over, returning her focus to the recipe. But Isabelle doesn't come.

"No, Mama is not sleepin," She says, and Maura jerks her head back up.

"What?"

"Mama is sad, Mommy. Come!"
Maura rushes around the breakfast bar towards the living room, scooping up Isabelle as she goes, nerves jangling inside of her.

She stops in the door of the living room, eyes wide.

Jane is sitting cross legged on the couch, her hands in her lap tumbling over and over each other. Her eyes are unfocused, far away, her face rigid with pain and memories.

Maura catches her breath, but not just because of Jane. "Fia," she hisses.

Sofia is inching along the couch towards her mother, already reaching out to her.

"Sofia," Maura whispers again, trying to keep her voice calm and quiet, but also trying to inject it with some kind of authority. If Sofia startles Jane out of whatever she's lost in, she could lash out, or scream, or…

"Sofia, come here. Fia."

But Sofia moves towards her mother with a single mindedness that only Rizzolis have, and before Maura can even make the decision to cross the room, her daughter reaches up and touches Jane's jaw.

Jane doesn't jump.

At her daughter's touch, her head turns, and she looks down into Sofia's face, staring at her like she's a stranger.

"Mama?" Sofia walks her fingers like little feet up Jane's cheek. "Mama? You upset?"

Jane's eyes clear a little bit, but not all the way. Maura is holding her breath.

The detective nods, her expression of confusion not changing, except that her eyes fill with tears. For a moment they just look at each other, Sofia's hand drawing circles on her mother's cheek, the same way Jane's often will when Sofia is sick or sleepy.

Maura stands in the door, mesmerized. She wants to move. Stop this, maybe, before something bad happens, but Jane has eyes only for Sofia.

"You wanna song?" Sofia asks, scooting closer on the couch.

Another nod.

Sofia climbs into her mother's lap, pushing Jane's hands apart and settling her head on her mother's chest. She tugs gently at her mother's hair, twirling it around her tiny little fingers, as she decides on a song to sing.

"You an' me together will be. Forevah you'll see. We always be good c'pany you…me. Jus together we'll be."

It's one they sing in the car, on the way to anywhere. Sofia stops after the first verse and looks over her shoulder, giving her sister an expectant look.

Isabelle immediately struggles to be let down, and Maura lets her go, but doesn't move, just watches as Isabelle climbs up beside Jane.

"whut," she whispers when she gets settled.

"we's singing Mama better," Sofia whispers back. "help."

Isabelle nods, and leans forward and pushes her head under her mother's arm, until she's against Jane's side. She wiggles, getting comfortable, and Jane looks down at them both, her eyes wide and terrified. Swimming in tears. She's only half out of her flashback, Maura can tell, and she's deliberately holding herself still so as not to hurt anything that she loves while she tries to get away from the past.

Her face is a mask of distress, and Maura doesn't know how to intervene without startling everyone. Without breaking up this wonderful, heartbreaking scene in front of her.

"We always be good c'pany you…me. Jus together we two. Together tha's you. Forever with me. We'll always be good c'pany you an me. Just together with you." Both girls stop singing abruptly when Jane shudders, tears falling down her cheeks.

Isabelle looks stricken. "It was the wrong song, Fia," she whispers, and Maura goes to move forward, to do something, finally, but Jane is shaking her head, pulling both girls closer, and burying her face in Isabelle's curly blonde hair.

"No," She says, her voice hoarse from disuse and emotion. "No. It was the perfect song, nuggets. It was…" But she is unable to continue.

Sofia looks meaningfully at Isabelle, who wraps her arms around her mother's waist from the side, while Sofia wraps her arms around Jane's neck.

"Don't be sad, Mama,"

"Yeah," Isabelle echoes. "Wanna hear sun in tha morning instead?"

Jane laughs through her tears, a real burst of laughter, tiny and short, and Maura thinks there is not one sound that has ever been more beautiful.

"Mommy," Sofia says, almost scolding, looking up at her, "come help."

Maura takes two steps and hesitates, looking into Jane's face. The brunette smiles nervously, nodding once, and Maura crosses the room, Lifting Isabelle and sitting down with her in her lap, carefully, not touching her wife.

But Jane moves over, closing the inch or so of space between them, and Maura gasps – she can't help it, it's like warm summer heat all through her body – as Jane slips her arm around the doctor's shoulder.

"Oh, Gosh," Isabelle says, sounding totally confused and put out, "Now evry one is cryin'"

Sofia rolls her eyes at her parents, "you two," she says, sounding so much like Maura that both women laugh, Jane's quiet and hesitant, not easy yet.

Maura closes her eyes for a moment. "Happy tears, baby," she says. "They're happy tears."

She feels Jane shift beside her, and braces for the detective to push her away, like she usually does after these tries for affection. Instead her eyes snap open, a new wave of tears burning as Jane's lips graze her temple.

She tries to convince herself that the words Jane says next are not conjured up from her own imagination and desperate need to hear them. No. Jane is really speaking to her. Is really saying the words that she hasn't said in a month, even though they've fallen from Maura's lips every day like water.

Jane is saying them now. Returning them to her. And her heart could burst, she's so happy.

"I love you, Maura," She whispers, and the ghost of her lips passes her temple one more time.

"I love you."


phew! that was super long. Oh you guys. thank you so much for all your really kind words. That last chapter really was a b*tch to write, but...I couldn't not write it. And it means that we get this chapter, which is not quite fluffy, but is on it's way there, AND it means we get Cuts like a Knife next, which has the mattress scene at the end...and we allll know what that mattress scene should be...so hang in there. AND rizzoli thanksgiving is coming up. and that is just one big huge fluffball with a twist!

Davislp...I gotta do Denis. I have to...it's essential to my plot...but I promise it won't break you like Dominick did...okay? still friends? Dalemj, i haven't seen you around! welcome! thank you! noblegraces, ireallyneedalife,heatwave, ximebeach, mustanggirl, jmpack, julez, nikki, stephb. Thank you guys. I can't tell you want it means when I work hard at something and you all appreciate it.

Socklost and Jobee, AE thank you for your immensely kind words. it was hard. but. like i said. i couldn't not. double negative...I had to

fallen austin, fluff is on the way! hang in there. New chapter tonight/in the wee small hours of the morning. I'm on writing binge!

happy reading

tc