And here we are! If you've stayed on board, I want to congratulate you! I know, reading my dumpster-food isn't easy.
Half of this chapter was really hard to write. The other half was super easy; I barely changed a thing.
So...enjoy!
A Filled Gap
"That's our story," Edward concluded.
"Oh," I said lamely, unable to think of anything to say. I couldn't comprehend the bonds that this…family had. Much tighter than any other vampire coven; they'd gone through so much for each other. Their existence was laid out not around meals, but each other, and the family as a unit.
They didn't just exist; they lived. And more than that, they were happy. Me, I was a paranoid, nomadic loner. Murders on my conscience that I didn't regret, didn't even think about. I suddenly felt terribly inadequate. My existence as a vampire was so shallow, just catering to my needs and then covering my tracks. These vampires, this family of vampires, must have thought so little of me.
I had to get out of there.
"Well, I guess I'll be going. It was good to meet you all." I stood up abruptly and nodded to Esme and Carlisle, who stood against the wall together. "Nice place."
They smiled politely. Esme took a half step in my direction. She looked like she wanted to say something to me, but she didn't. I gave a half-smile to Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Rose and ruffled Renesmee's hair. She touched my hand.
You're going to be okay, Fred. We've all gone through inner turmoil. Even me, and I'm only eight months old.
Even she could see I was suffering.
"Our doors are always open to you, Fred," Edward said quietly. "Come back whenever you need anything."
"Sure," I muttered abstractedly. I strode out the front door without looking at him.
Once outside, I ran around to the back of the house where the river gurgled. I breathed in the fresh, wet air. Where to?
Where to? Could I really just ignore everything I'd heard and experienced in the last twenty-four hours?
I could try. What else could I do?
Numbly, I reached into my useless pack and pulled out the map. I crossed out the name of the town I'd visited the night before. No, visited was the wrong word. Purged. I'd raided the city of precious inhabitants for my own needs, which were not really needs anyway. I searched the map for a dot without a red slash over it. Then I lowered the thing, trembling.
Before today, I hadn't known any other way to live. I'd had no qualms about killing innocent people. Murder was just a part of who I was, what I was. I hadn't known I could resist.
But what if, like Edward, I could fall in love with a human? What if I killed her before I got to know her? What if I'd already come across her and not noticed?
I couldn't take that chance again.
I raised the map up again, stretching it taut between my hands, then I pulled my hands down and apart. The map ripped cleanly in two. I raised the pieces and threw them into the river.
I took a deep breath. My life as a hunter was over. Never again would I kill a human.
"Quite symbolic, Fred," I heard an all-too-familiar voice say. "But Esme wouldn't want her river polluted."
Before I could even focus on him, Edward had dived into the river and retrieved the soggy pieces of the map. He climbed out and stood in front of me, dripping.
"You didn't tell us the whole story, did you?" he said gently, not demanding information, not prying like a therapist would, claiming it was for my own good. He was simply asking.
Oh, man, I was good. He hadn't noticed all the arrows in my head, pointing to my biggest secret.
"It's about your mother, isn't it?"
Maybe not.
He chuckled. "If you don't want to tell me, you don't have to."
But I did have to. It was like everything that had happened in the Cullens' big fancy hacienda was just a prelude to what I always knew I'd have to say. Something that I didn't want all of my new vampire acquaintances to know.
But I felt like I could trust Edward. He seemed different, even aside from the mind-reading. Now that he had me thinking about it, he as good as knew it, but he still asked me. He was letting me have my say.
So I'd have it.
I sighed, wondering where to start. "My mom was…she was like my anchor. I never wanted to stay in school, didn't want to go to college. But she always stayed right by me, making sure I did my homework and got to class. She encouraged me all the time, telling me I'd be glad of my education later.
"Despite that pushiness, I loved her. I loved her more than anyone else. I stayed for her, if not anything else. I went to college, and she helped me pay for it. But that wasn't enough. I lost my weekend job, and the money she sent got lost in the mail.
"When I got back home…we had a fight. One worse than we'd had in years. I don't really remember what I said to her, but I ended up walking out. I wanted to go back after a while, to apologize, but then Riley's gang found me.
"My transformation took almost four days, and by that time I'm sure she was worried out of her mind. I wanted to go back though, just to tell her that I was okay, but Riley wouldn't let me. I sneaked out anyway, and I made it to her house."
My voice caught in my throat. I couldn't go on. But I let the scene of that night play out in my mind, every detail crystal clear.
I tried the door. Locked. I searched my pockets. Dang it, no key. I pushed on the door, hard. I heard the metallic chink as the lock broke. Oops. But the door was open, and I was in.
It was early evening, probably eight or nine. My mom would be washing dishes now. Sure enough, there was the sound of plates gently bumping each other in the sink. And the citrus-scented soap she always used on the dishes.
Whoa, I could smell that from here? My nose was awesome! And—what was that? Was that scent her? She smelled so good. Even better than the humans I'd drank earlier tonight. I felt the clench of my muscles, the venom gathering in my mouth. No.
I'd thought that after drinking my way through five humans' blood, I would feel less thirsty. Maybe Riley was right. Maybe I couldn't handle this yet. But I had to talk to my mom. I had to.
"Fred?" I heard her voice, pretty for a human's, weave through the house. "Is that you?" I tried not to breathe too hard. I had to concentrate.
"Yeah, Mom. I…I'm back." And I'm a vampire now.
"Oh, Freddie!" She rushed out of the kitchen—she was so slow!—and stopped dead when she saw me.
She looked exactly like she had before. Same simple, ill-fitting clothes. Same wavy hair, the same color as mine, tied in a knot. Same weathered hands. Same bracelet she always wore on her left wrist. Same kind face.
I was the one who had changed—vastly and irreversibly.
She took in my new appearance, my white skin, my absolutely still figure, my bright red eyes. I looked down, trying to hide my venom-filled irises.
"Fred, what happened to you?"
I took a breath through my mouth, trying to ignore the temptation I felt when I tasted her. "I can't tell you."
"Of course you can! You can tell me anything. Did somebody hurt you?"
"Ye—no. I'm…going away. I probably won't come back. If anybody asks about me, tell them I'm fine, but do not tell them I looked like this."
"Fred, why can't you stay? I want you to."
"I'm dangerous," I mumbled. "You can't trust me anymore."
"What did they do to you?" she whispered, stepping forward. I knew what she was going to do, like she had a million times. She was trying to gather me into her arms, hug me until all my hurt was gone. But this time it wouldn't help. I still wouldn't be able to stay with her. I would still be a vampire. And I couldn't have her hug me. I didn't think I could handle that.
She was still taking her first step toward me. I took a breath, ready to tell her not to.
"Mom—"
I stiffened. Her scent… It was so overwhelming. So sweet. So luscious. So tasty.
I couldn't even try to resist. My mind shut down and I lunged for her. My hands closed around her upper arms, and I heard both her humerus bones snap. I felt my teeth break her delicate skin, felt her blood spill from the wound I'd made in her neck. I sucked in hungrily, ignoring her whimpers of pain and disbelief.
When she ran dry, I dropped her to the ground. Somehow, there was still a little life in her. She groaned, trying to focus on me. "Fre…"
The light in her eyes winked out. I blinked rapidly, staring down at my mom. Her corpse. Her drained, lifeless body. I just stood there, looking down at her for a while as I slowly came back to my senses. I realized what I had done. I…I had killed my mom.
Ho-ly cow.
I didn't keep track of how long I was there, staring at her still face, hating myself. When I finally looked up, I noticed the familiar clock next to the kitchen doorway read three o' clock. I knew I had to get away from windows before the sun rose, and my mom's house didn't have a basement.
I went into my room, detecting my own scent, minus the vampire-part. I spied my college backpack hanging over a chair—Mom had bought it for me only a few months ago. I picked it up and slung it across my shoulders. I gathered up a few of my favorite books and dumped them in. I went back downstairs, where my mother, still motionless on the floor, waited.
I knew what I had to do, but I didn't know if I was capable of it. Could I really throw my mom, the only person I'd ever cared for, to a horrible, watery grave? She didn't deserve that. Especially since it was my fault she was dead.
Then I heard something outside. Not a human. Another vampire. Riley. He peered through the front window of my mom's house. Catching sight of my mother's body on the floor, he gave me an oh-my-gosh-what-did-you-do-I-will-kill-you-for-thi s look. I stared back at him, my face expressionless. Riley let himself in and tried to tow me out.
"Come on. I'll go put her in the sound, and then we'll go to the house."
Without looking at him, I sent a wave of revulsion in his direction. He cringed but bent down to grab my mom. Her empty eyes stared at me.
"Come on, Fred. I will not let you become a crispy. Forget about her. You wouldn't have been able to see her anyway."
I took a deep breath. Could I do it? I closed my eyes and in my mind let my new skill wash away the horror of the night. She wasn't my mother. It was just another human—just another fragile little snack. I looked up at last, into Riley's shining red eyes.
"Okay."
I knew I would never forget this, but I could try. I followed Riley out of my mom's house, thinking only of the vampires I was going to be cooped up with very soon.
We took off running down the dark streets.
When we reached the sound, I reached for my mom. Maybe it would be better if I buried her.
"No, Fred. I'll do it. With the state you're in, you might not do it properly and she'll come back up." He hoisted her up over his shoulder, so her upper body dangled across his back.
As her arm slid down, something fell off of it. I leaned forward and caught it with my lightning-fast reflexes before it plopped in the water.
It was her bracelet. I'd bought it for her when I was ten, and she'd worn it ever since. It was very plain, just a thin gold band with a single gemstone, I'd forgotten what kind, hanging from it.
My fist closed around it, and I pocketed the thing.
"Fred. What is that?"
"Just something that was my mom's." I showed him.
Riley shrugged. "Just don't let the others see it. They'd rip you and each other apart for that."
I nodded, unable to speak anymore. Riley dived gracefully into the water, drenching me with a splash.
