8. HALF TRUTHS
It felt like I was laying in the rain. I could hear it pouring outside. The window of this strange room cracked open. Sending in a chilled breeze. I could smell the water from the sky. Such a lovely smell. I closed my eyes and smiled as the thunder rolled. It felt like cold droplets were caressing my skin. My head rested on Carlisle's bare chest. My fingers traced the contours of his body that weren't hidden beneath the soft, dark bed sheets. I looked up into his beautiful face. He smiled at me. It made me feel warm. Was it normal to feel so calm? I supposed calm always came afterwards. When you lay awake together in bed. Lost in your own world of lust and feeling. The picking of our consciences would come later. The room I was resting in now with Carlisle was anything but calm a few minutes ago. It was hard to believe. Moments ago I was giving way to moans and sighs. Mine and his. Drowning in the way he called my name. And the way he felt so good, I couldn't even make my mouth properly form words. Which was a good thing.
"How do you feel?" He asked.
"I feel different. Calm. Like...my eyes have been opened up.." I smiled. His hands stroked down my skin again. Making me think of rain.
"I don't know how much longer we have. Everyone went to go hunt abou-"
"Shhh..." I put my finger tips to his lips. I didn't want to believe there was an outside world. When I got there I would feel guilty for this. I didn't want to feel it yet. It was hard enough as it was not thinking about Edward. How I was his fiancé not even a couple hours ago. And now I didn't even know if we were still together. No. I wanted to keep believing the same lie that led me here. That Edward was here with me. That I had made love to Edward. My fiance. Carlisle smiled lightly. He kissed my fingers and the palm of my hand. My wrists. I wanted his lips on mine. Why was I such a different person around him? I felt bold. Finally in control. He didn't try to make decisions for me. He didn't push me away when I came to him tonight. I pulled his face slowly to mine. His lips were soft. His breath going into my mouth. I sighed.
"You taste as good as you smell." I whispered. He laughed. He ran his hands down my body. His fingers disappeared beneath the bed sheets. And before I could think, I gasped. His fingers ran against the folds between my legs. I bit my lip. When he pushed them inside I cried out.
"You feel as good as you taste..." He whispered in my ear. He rubbed his fingers against me. My vision got blurry. A strangled moan got lost in my throat before I lurched forward and bit down on the hard skin of his shoulder. Shuddering against him. He moaned at the feeling of my teeth in his cold, thick skin. After the surging sensation of pleasure passed, I slowly detached myself from him. I looked at him. Out of breath. His approach was so sudden and brash. He didn't think. He just did. I loved it. It made me feel like a woman. Not a little girl to be kindled.
"Mmm..quite a bite you have there, Bella, darling. You'll make quite a divine vampire." I sighed and lay back into the pillows. Steadying my heartbeat. Everyone said that.
"Hell only knows.." I mumbled. He turned on his side to look at me.
"You've changed your mind then? You don't want me to change you into vampire any longer?"
"I don't know..." I whispered. "I don't think so...not anymore..."
"Why is that? I thought it was all you wanted." He looked at me questioningly. I shook my head and looked above me. Dark sheets of our canopy bed was all I could see. We were lucky they had so many guest rooms in this house. I would have never slept with Carlisle in the bed he shared with Esme. Somehow, it would have made the betrayal even worse.
"Edward..." I paused. When I said his name, a lump formed in my throat. "I wanted immortality for him. I don't care about beauty. I don't care about gold eyes or...perfect skin..or dazzling people. I wanted it so I could be with him and now that he and I aren't getting married anymore...I don't see the point."
"Married?"
"He proposed to me...just before I came here." What a change. From Edward's arms to Carlisle's bed.
"Didn't you say yes?"
"Of course I did. Until I found out he still wanted me mortal."
"I see...so, you're here for the rebound?..." Carlisle looked torn. I looked back at him with a less crushed expression.
"Wasn't it obvious?" Carlisle shifted from his side and lay on his back. He let out a long breath and shook his head in disappointment. He had thought we were together? I sat up and looked at him.
"I mean, I love Edward...but with all the rejection I've gotten from him, sometimes I feel like...my body is screaming out for...something. I just needed to feel...something."
"And do you regret it now that you've gotten it?"
"What I wanted? Didn't you?"
Of course I regret it. It felt good..but it's not you that I wanted it from Carlisle. You're willing to give up so much for me. Esme. Your perfect companion. If I didn't love Edward so much, and if she didn't love you... you would be the one...but you aren't..and Edward is. And nothing can change that.
"I wanted more than this...I thought this was just the beginning."
"Look..I don't know what Edward and I are..now that I broke off the engagement. It..didn't go well...But if he and I still have some kind of chance...I'm taking it." Carlisle didn't look at me.
"I'm not going to be with you..." I said. Then he looked to me.
"In any other way but this?..." He asked. He reached up his hand and brushed a lock of hair from my eyes." I blushed in shame. The guilt was sinking in. It took tight hold of my heart and lungs and squeezed. Carlisle grinned.
"I'll take what I can get.." He whispered. He leaned up and cupped my face. I looked at him for a moment longer before snapping back to reality.
The euphoria of his lovemaking was gone. Our talking of the complications between Edward and I reminded me how much I loved him. It reminded me that I may have been sleeping with Carlisle...but when I stared at him I saw Edward's face. And when I bit my lip, I was trying my damned hardest not to call out Edward's name. I rose from the bed and walked about the room picking up my discarded clothes. Trying to avoid the broken glass of the vases and ornaments we broke when Carlisle and I pushed each other against tables and walls. Grabbing at each other. Unable to restrain ourselves.
"We did quite a job on the room." He laughed from the bed. Looking at me. He was beautiful. He was charming. He was romantic. An amazing lover. But he wasn't my Edward. So I refused to look back. I smiled lightly and put my underwear, dress and heels back on. My heart began to pound. What if someone was outside?
"We're fine. I can't hear them anywhere near by. Shall I call you a cab?"
"Yes. Please." We looked out the window of the large guest room. His arm wrapped around me. Waiting for the yellow car to pull up. Suddenly my mind crossed over Charlie. I had some explaining to do when I got home. When the car pulled up I looked at him
"I have to go. I'll...I'll see you.." I whispered and turned to leave. Carlisle caught me by the wrist and turned me around. Kissing me on the lips. He released me. I stumbled back a little. This wasn't right. I made my way as quickly as I could out of the house before falling flat on my face.
I stepped into my house. Wondering what time it was. I looked to the clock. 2 am.
"Bella!"
Great
"Bella!"
"I'm here dad!" I called.
"Where the hell have you been? I've been worried sick!"
"I'm sorry."
"Why are you all dressed up? And soaking wet.." Charlie asked. I told him half truths.
"Oh, Edward took me out to dinner." I mumbled.
"Oh." My dad muttered. "You could have called."
"I know. But I didn't even know he was going to do it. It was a spur of the moment kinda thing" I looked away from my father. I had been telling a lot of half truths lately. My father looked at me strangely. This was my exit cue.
"Well, I'm kind of tired. I'll see you..later...in the morning.." I said. I began to head from the kitchen and to the direction of the stairs.
"Bella?" He called. "Are you sure you're okay?"
Okay? Okay? When did I say I was okay? My boyfriend - if he's still my boyfriend- proposed to me tonight. We had a fight about him not changing me and I broke it off not too soon after. I just lost my virginity to his father figure and I don't even love him. This isn't me. I am not okay...I don't know if I ever will be...There's so much I've done that I can't ever take back..
"Yeah." I smiled. "I'm fine." Without another word I made my way upstairs to my room. I didn't turn the light on. I stumbled into the door and closed it behind me before taking the first high heel off my left foot. This night was terrible. Terrible. I couldn't believe what I had done. I curled up on my bed and pulled my blankets around me. Bawling my eyes out.
"Edward..." I whispered. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you. I'm so stupid. This isn't me. This isn't me..What have I done?...Edward.."
"You haven't done anything..."
I looked up. Edward pulled himself from the shadow of a corner in my room. I shook my head and rested it on my knees. He had no idea. I wasn't his innocent Bella anymore. And it made me sick. I didn't know what I wanted right now. For him to stay or go. I looked up at him. A sliver of light from my window caught his beautiful face. He was still wearing his tux. The black jacket unbuttoned. Some of the buttons of his white shirt undone. His tie missing. How could I betray someone so wonderful? I couldn't believe it, but I wanted him to go. Far away from me. Run away with his ears plugged so I could tell him no more lies. I cried hard into my knees. My body shook.
"W-what are you d-doing here? L-leave." I said. If he weren't a vampire he probably wouldn't have any comprehension of what I was saying.
"Where do you want me to go?" He asked. Moving closer to my bed. I moved away."
"Please."
"Bella, tonight...it wasn't what I had in mind and-"
"I-I-I can't b-be with you..." I said. I was tearing my own heart out. But I couldn't lie to him anymore. But I couldn't tell him the truth. So I had to push him away. Far away. If only he knew the things I had done. In his home. With his best friend for centuries. Edward ceased his advance towards me. I felt his look drilling into me. Trying to make of this. Five hours ago I was his fiancé. Now it was over? It didn't make sense to me either.
"I-Its's o-over." I shook. I heard Edward take a deep breath in.
"Bella, I know I displeased you tonight...that was never my intention. I am so sorry."
"Y-you didn't do anything. It's not your f-fault. It's m-me. I'm not g-good enough. I don't deserve-"
"Shh..."
"Nothing will e-ever be the same. Ever!" I looked up at him with teary eyes. How could I ever be his again? All I ever had to offer him was gone to Carlisle now. And I had done it willingly.
"There was a time...when I almost wanted to hear you say that. For you to tell me to leave you. So I would stay away. So I would never prove a harm to you...And now you're finally saying the words...and- I can't. I won't."
"I could easily f-fix that..." I said. All I had to do was tell him where I just was this evening after I left the restaurant.
"Bella. I don't know how many times I must tell you why I can't-" I looked up at him. My shaking subsiding but the tears still flowing freely. He ran his fingers through his hair and moved closer to my bed. Kneeling down before me and running his fingers through my hair.
"Remember at the zoo last week...when we were talking about..having children?" He asked. I remembered. I sniffled and lowered my head.
"And I said that...I sometimes think about having my own...Ever since I met you I wondered what our lives would be like..if I were a normal man for you. To give you a beautiful wedding on a bright beach. With all your family and friends. To buy a nice house and give you a little son or daughter. To have kids screaming and running around the house before we send them to school.." I looked at him in silence. He was obviously having a hard time saying what he wanted to say.
"But the more I kept wishing these things for you...I began to realize..I wanted these things for myself as well." Edward looked at me with anguish in his eyes. He put his hand up to his chest in such emphasis. To try and make me understand.
"I want a normal life, Bella. I want to go to the beach with my brothers and sisters on sunny days instead of ripping at a deer's throat. I want to be able to touch you...and give you a house in sunny Jacksonville near Rene so that the kids can go visit their grandma sometimes. I want to be human Bells! Almost every day, I wish it. And Carlisle doesn't know but...at times..I'm resentful. Sometimes I wished he had let the fever take me all those years ago..."
I breathed in deeply. I hated the thought. Of him laying dead on a hospital bed. It made me go further into insanity.
What kind of monster am I? How could I betray him? How could I have ever turned my back on such an angel?
I reached out my hand to him. More tears flowed out.
"And that's part of the reason why I left him after he made me. Not only because of his way of life...drinking animal blood..but for the fact that it was because of him that I had to drink blood at all...We all regret it Bella. We all want our mortality back. Rosalie probably feels it more than all of us. That's why she's so angry. And..I don't want you to be angry Bella. Because you're so...beautiful when you smile" He reached out his hand. His thumb brushed my bottom lip.
"No one so beautiful should ever be made to suffer for a minute." I shook my head. He was wrong about me. Wrong.
"Having a companion..it makes the pain better. That's why we never want to be alone. That's why Carlisle made me...To make immortality more..bearable. Bella...you are the only good thing this eternal life has given me. In a way..I have to thank Carlisle. If he hadn't made me...I would have never met you. And that's something I wouldn't trade for the world. But otherwise..." He trailed off. I shook my head in disbelief. He had the purest love for me that could ever have been had.
"No matter how much you love me Bella...you will look at me some days...and wish I had never made you...I promise you. No matter how much you say you want to be with me for eternity...you will feel this way..And I love you far too much for that. I'd rather you left me than for you to ever feel that pain. I can't live without you...but I'll never do it..." And then he rose for the door. Heading for the window.
"Edward!" He stopped.
"I should go...you need rest."
"I won't be able to sleep without you here..."
"I thought you said it was over..." He mused.
"I'm an idiot.." I said bluntly. Edward turned around and looked at me with such sad eyes.
"You're almost as hopeless as I am..." He whispered.
"Please..." I begged. He turned around and walked to my bed. He slowly slid his way under the sheets. I did the same and curled up beside him. Resting my head on my pillow. Draping my arm over his chest.
"I'll make things up to you.." I whispered. "I'll set things right...and hope to god you'll forgive me..." I whispered. Lost. I didn't even care if he figured out what I was talking about. It would spare me having to tell him. And I was going to tell him. It was all just one big mistake.
"You don't owe me anything...just...love me...and...pray it's not such a disaster the next time I propose..." he smiled.
As if he'd ask me to marry him again...but if he did...I would. I would marry him. Mortal or not.
"I love you more than anything Edward...Do you believe me?" There was a pause. My heart thudded.
"I believe you.." He whispered into my ears. "No woman is crazy enough to put her life in danger by having a vampire boyfriend without good reason.." I smiled. It almost felt normal again. I had my boyfriend. Back...Now I had to risk losing him again to fix things.
"Don't leave me tonight..." I whispered.
"I wouldn't dream of it..." He said. I smiled and turned my head around to look at him. "Pardon the pun." He laughed.
"Sing to me?" I asked. And he sang. My lullaby. I cried as it soothed me to sleep.
The next morning I was awoken with a wonderful aroma filling my nose. It wasn't Edward. It was food. Whatever it was. Butterfly kisses touched my face in multiple places. I smiled.
"Wake up, love." He rang. "It's Twelve in the morning." I sat up with a start.
"What? School! We're late! I have to-"
"Calm...calm.." He said in his songlike voice. "It's also a Sunday." I breathed.
"Well what's the problem then?" I asked. "Come back to bed..."
"I made you french toast." He smiled.
"Forget sleep. Food." I sat up. He laughed and picked up a tray from my bedside table and placed it in my lap carefully.
"Bon Appetite." He said as I devoured the food. It tasted amazing. After I was done I chugged down the glass of orange juice that came with the meal.
"I need to go home pretty soon..." Edward said as he paced my room. Once again looking at all the little things that littered my table.
"Why?" I asked. Sadness in my eyes. What a silly question.
"I think I could go for a shower and a change of clothing" He said. I looked over him. Ah yes..the tux. He still looked dashing. I looked down at myself. Still wearing the little blue dress.
"Touche." I said. I could definitely go for the same.
"Would you like to come? The gang hasn't seen you for a while." Edward said. My heart began to beat quickly again. Carlisle would be there. I should go. Not to be with him again but to tell him that it was wrong. It was never happening again and that I was going to tell Edward. Wether or not he told Esme was his business. But I couldn't go on lying to the man I loved when he had done so much for me. I promised myself I would do this. Last night as Edward sang the last note of his song. Before I fell asleep. And I would do it. Even if it meant losing everything.
"Y-yeah...alright.."
"Are you feeling alright?" Edward asked. He probably heard my heart. I was probably getting pale.
"Fine. I think I just ate the french toast a little too fast. Let me shower first and we can get going."
I grabbed my bag packed with everything I would need in the bathroom and picked out my outfit for the day. Blue jeans and a red t-shirt. Shaking I made my way to the bathroom and ran the water to an appropriate temperature. As I stepped beneath the showerhead I prepped myself for what I was about to do. I was going to break Edward's heart. I was going to tell him it was a mistake. I wasn't thinking clearly. And it would never happen again. Hopefully he would believe the truth.
You'll love me for eternity...and not a second less...So you say...God..I hope you're right. Because what I've done is unforgivable. It's disgusting. Dishonest. And not the kind of thing that a person who really loved you would do. But I did it wishing it was you. Really. I didn't even see Carlisle. You're all there is. I promise.
I shook my head. I wouldn't believe it. But then, I wouldn't have to. Edward would never have done this. If I lost him, I deserved it. But I don't think I would survive. Not again. Definitely not again. And I didn't need to go as far as Italy to make it happen. I stepped from the shower. I dried myself off and dressed myself in my clothing. Taking my time. No need to rush to my own funeral. I brushed out my hair until the tangles were gone and then I made my way out of the bathroom.
"Ready?" Edward asked. I answered honestly.
"Not really." He looked at me with a peculiar expression. "Let's go.." I said. I slid into a raincoat on my way out of the house and left the warmth of shelter out into the chilled rain. Edward opened his Volvo door for me and I slid in. The car drive to Edward's house was the longest drive of my life. I had to unwillingly pull my hand from the hand that held my boyfriends. My palms were sweaty. I cracked my knuckles which made Edward wince a little. I opened my car door and stepped out.
I can't do this. I can't do this...Not today. Not yet.
Edward was smiling for some reason. He began bolting to the front door of the large house.
"Edward!" I yelled. I tried futilely to keep up. I tripped over myself a couple times making my way up the stairs. When I looked through the doorframe I saw the whole Cullen family standing in the foyer. The whole family. Edward had Alice in his arms. Spinning her around in a circle. Jasper looked better. Rosalie had her "twin brother" in a tight embrace. I felt Carlisle's eyes press on me. I ignored him. Jasper and Alice were home!
"Alice!" I said. I ran for her and hugged her as soon as Edward released her. Her embrace was different. Not as personal. And I didn't get my usual kiss on the cheek.
"Alright, alright, everyone in!" Esme called. "We have so much catching up to do! Bella! Haven't seen you since the snowball fight! How are you, dear? Can I make you some tea?" She asked.
"I'll do it!" Alice chimed. She looked at me. Her look was cold. It sent shivers down me. The feeling worsened as she took a rather tight hold on my wrist. Pulling me to the direction of the kitchen they never used unless I was around. Esme, no longer having to make tea for me went to the sitting room with the rest of the family to talk to Jasper about his recovery.
"Alice-"
"Shut up!" She spat. "You and I have some chatting to do..and I'm going first." And then she looked at me with hate.
