Pains of Sacrifice
Disclaimer: I own nothing
A/N:
Chapter 8 (A New Different)
Trina was glad, no, grateful to have gone to Andre's first local music performance. It was at some local Italian restaurant and all of his guests got to eat free. She had veal, which was outstanding. As for Andre's performance, it was a hit of course. He was flawless, hitting every note with the expertise of a master.
Music ran in his family, on his father's side. His father had been a man by the name of Ray Preston, a jazz musician that lived out in New Orleans; and his grandfather was a pianist as well.
She'd often wondered about his father's side of the family, and why his last name was different. She was honored, and deeply saddened, when she learned of it. His mother had been having an affair with someone, so his father oddly set fire to the home, killing himself and Andre's two older brothers. It wasn't certain if the act was truly done by Ray or not, because nobody could believe the man would murder two of his sons in such a way. Andre's mother fled to Los Angeles with him; but years later was murdered in cold blood by the wife of the man she'd been seeing.
Andre had the misfortune to witness the murder. He didn't remember much and at the time only ever told Beck. So Trina knew how much he was trusting her with his past, and she wasn't about to go telling anyone else.
Trina went to the job interview Andre had set up for her as well, much to her annoyance. It wasn't bad, however, and it gave her something to do as opposed to sitting around all day mucking in her own anguish. The job was a custodial job for the school district, which she was uneasy about at first. The supervisor that interviewed her liked her, put forth a recommendation for hire.
All she had to do now was wait.
At the dinner table, Trina managed to gather her parents together. Her eyes travelled to the empty seat and the corner of her lips curled a bit. She tried to keep it together, not wanting to upset either of her parents. She glanced back to the table, studying the lemon peppered chicken she'd prepared, sided by creamy mashed potatoes and green beans.
David had a large amount on his plate, but Holly grabbed just a tiny amount. Any amount was better than none, though Trina was a little worried her mother wasn't eating enough. "I think you should have a little more, Mom." She leaned over, studying the meager portion. "That doesn't look like enough, and I know you usually like heartier portions." Her mother spooned up the mashed potatoes on her plate, which was about all there was, and shrugged.
"I guess I'm just not very hungry right now, dear."
"She worked really hard on that," David replied softly, "But eat what you like and if you feel like having seconds, there's plenty." He looked to Trina, flashing a gracious smile at her. Trina smiled back and glanced down at her plate. "It's nice to be able to still sit down together. As a family."
Holly dropped her fork on the plate and scoffed. "A family? Note the empty chair, dear." David closed his eyes and Trina sighed. This was a routine thing now. She was trying her best to keep them coming to the table for family dinners ever since Tori left, not wanting them to end up falling away; but it was hard when the subject of Tori kept being brought up. "How could she do that? How could she just leave like that?"
David shook his head, his face growing tense and his lips pressing firmly together. He'd spoken his peace before, and was never one to repeat himself. He told them that he simply couldn't forgive Tori for that, and wasn't sure if he ever would. "I'll be glad when she comes back home," he remarked with a sigh, "But that's about it. There's no excuse."
No one heard from her since she left either, it was like she'd just decided her family and friends had fallen off the face of the earth or something.
Not wanting to get into it right now, Trina quickly deflected the subject. "So Dad, what do you think about what's going on in the country right now?" His eyebrow rose and he let out a shaky rasp of a breath.
"Honestly, I'm ready to retire. All the protests and anti-cop rhetoric going on out there. It's too much. I thought I could protect myself, my family, from criminals. Now I've got to look over my shoulder every waking minute, whether I'm at work or at the goddamn grocery store." His brow furrowed as he moved a bite of chicken to his lips. "People only see white and black now. They don't see Mexican, Spanish, Irish, Indian, Hindu…only black and white; and if you're a white cop, you're automatically a racist. It's getting ridiculous."
The protesting was getting out of hand too; but the waters were a bit murky. "I mean, everyone has the right to protest."
Her father waved his fork in the air. "The right to peacefully assemble. It's not protesting that's going on in the streets out there when it turns to looting, violence, and fire in the streets." He lowered his fork. "This Black Lives Matter organization, I love the idea behind them; but they seem to have forgotten about Martin Luther King Jr.'s whole premise and have instead taken up Malcom X's aggressive rhetoric."
"The people are tired."
"But they're not thinking. They have filters on, they have blinders on." He put his hand to his chest. "I'm not a racist, I'm not a bigot; but I'm also not white. I'm Spanish. Latino." He moved his hand over, motioning to Holly. "Your mother is Irish. The people in the world don't realize how oppressed the Irish were, and they forget the Native Americans who lost most all of their lands." He narrowed his eyes. "For all the culture that's out there, everyone wants to ignore it all."
"I'm just surprised the movement turned violent anyway. I mean, you'd think there wouldn't always be radicals-"
"Every movement…" David chewed his food and grabbed the glass of water beside him. "Every group, every organization in the world has its radicals." David shook his head. "A pair of cops, sitting in their car over Christmas break, eating donuts, was gunned down by a supporter of the BLM movement. Now, the majority of the movement did not approve of his actions; but some praised and rallied behind him."
"I guess that'd be everywhere."
"Sadly." David swallowed his drink and lowered the cup with a heavy sigh. "Sometimes I wonder what this world is coming to. It's on both ends, but every person in the world has their own selfish agenda."
Holly cried out again and Trina leaned her head back, her body sinking as she shut her eyes. "Why?" Holly asked. "Tori was only thinking of herself, why couldn't she think about those who loved her." David looked at his wife, his expression turning blank. His left hand rested heavily on the table, its fingers closing slowly into his palm.
"So…" He glanced back to Trina. "Any news on your job prospects with the district?" Trina nodded.
"I'm waiting on the background check to finish now, but it's looking good. Once that goes through, I guess HR will call me in and have me fill out some paperwork."
"Can't say I pictured you doing custodial work, but it's something." He smiled with pride, his eyes lighting up a bit. "Are you looking forward to it?"
"I am, actually." She took a bite of her meal and sat upright. "I didn't think so at first, but now I'm actually looking forward to having something to do. I don't know where it'll go, if anywhere, but I'm excited to see what all I can pick up."
"That's good. Really good to see. Things have been so bleak lately, I'm glad you're-at least you appear to be doing better." She glanced down and started to nod.
"I'm trying. It's hard, because there's a lot of 'different' that I'm trying to get used to."
"I think all of us are trying to get used to that. It's not easy." He reached across the table and gently pat her hand. His voice fell to a whisper and he looked into her eyes reassuringly. "It's going to be okay, Trina. You're strong, I know you are." She let out a tentative smile and slowly shook her head.
"I don't know that I am anymore, or if I ever was. I'm trying to learn to look after myself, take care of myself." David looked to his wife, who still barely touched her food. With a heavy sigh, he reached over to her and gently rubbed her shoulder. She raised her head up and wiped away the tears in her eyes.
"I'm sorry," Holly said. She stood up from the table and looked to the bedroom. "I-I think I'm going to go lie down." As she walked away, David turned his head.
"Tori's leaving hit all of us hard. I know your mother shows it more than I do, but-"
"I understand." Her dad had always been the tough one, having to appear strong and firm when he was screaming on the inside. It had to be difficult to be the one holding it together when it was the last thing anyone wanted to do. It was the same thing she was trying to do.
"Don't keep it all bottled in, okay?"
"I feel like I have to."
"I know you do." David chuckled once. "Your mom and I will be just fine worrying about ourselves, we do enough of that on our own without needing to make our daughter worry for us too."
"I'm not used to it."
"To what? Not focusing on someone else?" David leaned back in his chair and folded his hands over his stomach. "You've spent so many years focused on your sister, so much that you detached yourself from…well, from yourself." She frowned and nodded slowly. "She's gone off to live her own life, I suppose. In the end, that's all any of us actually wanted was for her to be able to be self-sufficient…if she actually can, since I'm aware we've done nothing but shelter her in whatever bubble wrap we had."
As he cracked a smirk, Trina laughed.
His smirk faded after a second and he reached over, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. "You have to be self-sufficient too. You have to be able to function on your own."
"I put so much effort into my sister, I'm not sure I know how to do that. I've lost sight of so much."
"So get it back." She raised an eyebrow and he raised his shoulders. "Be yourself, be the person you were meant to be. The tough young woman that can kick anyone's ass." Trina rubbed her arm gently and felt a smile growing on her face. "Kick ass. Climb the tallest mountain, swim in the deepest seas…go out there and be true. That woman is still inside of you, waiting to come out, I know it."
"How could you?"
"Because you're my daughter." He winked and rose from the table, picking up his empty plate in the process. Trina felt the blood rushing to her face and she quickly continued eating her meal. "You remember that old cabin I had in the woods, your mom and I would take you girls there all the time?"
"Do I?" Her vocal pitch rose with excitement as she fondly recalled the cabin. It was a bit of a hike, but it had a beautiful lake they used to fish on. It was in the woods, sure, but also up in the mountains, so there was plenty to do. She snickered a bit, remembering the times her mother would go into near panic fits over Tori. "Mom enjoyed it, I think; but I remember her hating every minute Tori wasn't inside."
David ran his plate under the facet, washing it off a bit. He started to laugh, nodding his head fervently. "Yes. Tori never got any diseases or life-threatening injuries if I recall. I think the doctor's 'use caution' speech put the fear of god in your mother when it came to your sister. I'm sorry again…I know I'm just as guilty."
"Quit apologizing." Trina picked up her plate and walked over to the sink. Her dad smiled sadly as he watched her rinse off the dish. "You've said sorry so many times, it's old."
"I know. I just…" He ran his hand down his face and looked off to the side. "Knowing that you put so much effort into your sister just because we worried about her constantly, it…" He leaned over the counter, sliding his palms forward on the surface. "I feel like we've failed both our daughters." She furrowed her brow and looked up to him. "Making you feel like you couldn't live your own life, be your own person…I know your mother and I never wanted that. We didn't want to be the type of parents…" His voice cracked a bit as he trailed off.
Trina reached up, rubbing his back gently, then leaned over to hug him. He raised a hand over his mouth and closed his eyes. "Now I'm not even sure if-I know all that hovering, all that sheltering, we didn't teach Tori the things she needed to know to go out into the world and survive."
"Well what could you do?" She tried to insert some humor, giving a subtle smirk. "You tried showing her how to gut a fish and skin a rabbit, and she simply couldn't stomach it." David's body shook as a chuckle escaped his lips. "Fortunately she has plenty of Wal-Marts and McDonalds in the world that will do that for her."
"That's not how I mean, and you know it."
"I know. I had to try and make you laugh." She shrugged. "You'd do the same for me." He grinned.
"Yep."
"Now…" she took a step back and cocked her head to the right. "What were you saying about that cabin? I feel like you didn't just bring it up to reminisce."
"Oh, right." He grabbed his coffee mug from the countertop and walked towards the living room. She started to follow him in. "No, I rented it out for the weekend for you. You could take your friends too, or go it alone." She stopped and leaned her head back a bit, her mouth opening. He glanced over his shoulder and cleared his throat. "I think it would be good for you."
"I mean…" She didn't know what to think of it, especially since she hadn't done any hiking since she'd gone into labor. It would be nice to take one or two of the others out with her, though she didn't think Jade would really be into it. Although, Jade and Andre both were constantly checking in on her ever since the storm happened. They'd probably like to go. "Sure, it sounds great." She smiled at her dad as he took a sip of his coffee. "I'll ask some of the others and see if they'd like to go out as well."
"Just think, you can teach them a few tricks!"
"Maybe. I'm not sure about the hunting."
"I've still got my old hunting rifle in the attic. You just got your permit last year, so I know you're good to go." She only had everything she needed for hunting because her dad wound up twisting her arm and begging her to get it. She wasn't sure why, especially since they hadn't gone hunting in a long time.
"Sure you don't want to come along?"
He took a longer sip of his coffee and his eyes darted to the master bedroom. "As much as it pains me to say no." He glanced back, his eyelids falling halfway. "I need to look after your mother, and I know damn well she's not about to want any part of getting up and roughing it out there."
"True…" Her shoulders sank and she looked over at the master bedroom, shaking her head. "She'll get better, I hope." She knew her father didn't want her to worry, but she couldn't help it. She understood Holly's depression, and the loss that she felt. For Trina, all of her crying, all of her screaming seemed to be on the inside; Holly was doing enough externally for the both of them. "I guess I'd better give Jade a call."
Seems everyone's doing their fair share to keep giving Trina something to do. A rough family dinner, but sadly it seems they all know there's not going to be another normal. David has a good idea, getting Trina to go out to the cabin, maybe getting her to refocus on her old and truer interests. If he can do anything for his daughter, it would be helping her try and rediscover herself. What thoughts do you have on everything in this dinner? And yes, the one topic foreshadows what you already know happens from Lessons.
