Chapter 7
"Where did you put your robes, Severus?"
My heartbeat sped up, I put down my fork and moved back a little on my chair, careful not to be too close to anything that could get through my skin before answering.
"In my drawers, mother."
"Why aren't they in your trunk?" She said, glaring at her husband who was sipping loudly on his bowl across the table.
"I've got new ones that fit me."
In a split second, I felt like my cheek was set on fire. I glanced I my beloved father, whose hand was still red; but probably not as much as my cheek.
"You should be grateful you're even going to that asylum," He said sloppily.
"I am." I said boldly, glaring at him.
"Enough!" My mother shouted.
"And may we know where did you get the money to buy yourself such fine robes?" My father continued, "Because if you can afford it, perhaps you can also afford a few bottles…"
"It's a birthday present."
"A present for your birth…" She scoffed. "I'd bet anything that it's the little Mudblood next door that-"
"HER NAME IS LILY!" I shouted.
My father jumped from his seat and his fist met my cheekbone. I fell off from my chair and landed on the floor, and my plate quickly followed on top of me. My head hit the floor a bit too hard, which made me too dizzy to hear what was going on around me. But I could see that my mother had stood up too, and she was shouting loudly. But my father never liked the noise. So he made he shut up the same way he did with me. Except that she fell asleep, as usual. But I was conscious enough to hear my father stagger away, leaving us both like messes on the floor.
It didn't end so badly this time: I only earned a bruise, nothing broken. It was nothing. But my head was pounding with rage. I heaved myself on my elbow, and then managed to sit up. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see my unconscious mother. The nightmare had been repeated so many times that summer that it was no longer scary. For what seemed like the thousandth time, I crawled over to her and reached out a hand just above her lips, making sure she was still breathing; and as always, I was disappointed. Because it wasn't over yet; the pain wasn't over yet. She would endure this suffering again next time, and the time after. She would not rest. Never.
I sighed and managed to get up, helping myself with the wall. A dark veil fell over my eyes for a few moments, and I could hear the blood pounding in my ears; it felt like my head was going to explode. Once the veil had melted away and the shape of my mother lying down on the dusty ground became clearer and clearer, I leaned over and wrapped my hands around her to lift her up. Once I had dragged her across the floor to my parent's bedroom, stopping every five seconds to catch my breath, I managed to heave her onto the shabby mattress without hurting her. Still unconscious, her head was turned in a worrying angle; it looked like her chin was digging into her shoulder. I cupped her face with both of my hands and adjusted it correctly. Her cheeks were cold, so I pulled the dirty bedsheets over her. She didn't move at all. Her skin was a sick colour of yellow, her lips were blue and her left eye was soon to be the same colour. If it weren't for her chest raising ever so slightly in very long gaps of time, I would have thought her dead. I leaned over and pressed my lips against her forehead. Not yet, mother. Alas.
I limped to my room quietly, in case my father would still be in the house. But it seemed like he had left to get a little drunker in the nearest muggle bar. Once I was alone, I sat on my bed and stared into the void. The curtains were drawn, which made my bedroom ever darker. I could barely see anything, but I didn't care. In fact, I couldn't care less. I was quiet, and barely breathing. I could have been a ghost.
But in the inside, I was yelling. I was yelling so hard that my head was starting to hurt. My whole body was tense, for I was battling hard not to jump on my feet and blow up everything in sight; including my father. It was unbearable. I could feel the blood sinking down my cheekbone and along my jaw to dot down on my clenched fist, but i didn't care. I could think of nothing else than Calm down, Severus. Calm the fuck down.
It had been like this ever since I could remember; but over the few past years, my father began hitting me harder than usual; I believe he started when I began showing the first signs of magic in me. I naively believed that since I was going to spend the whole year at Hogwarts away from him, it would be less painful. But it only made it worse; it seemed like all the anger that he hadn't been able to evacuate upon me over the year had been accumulating to explode each time I came back. And it was getting worse and worse as I grew up.
A hick-up escaped my lips and I slapped my hand upon my mouth, trying to muffle it. I wanted to strangle myself not to cry, but the weight upon my chest was crushing me, and it was too much to keep inside. The second burst of sobs made its way through my throat, and the rest followed: the tears fell on their own, and I could barely breathe properly. I knew that if anyone heard me, I would get in more trouble. But I was so angry. I ran my clenched fists through my hair, pulled them as I rocked back and forth on my bed.
Unable to handle the madness that had taken grip of me any longer, I felt the urge to escape. I jumped on my feet and walked where they led me, guard up in case I would come across my father. But thankfully, I managed to leave the house without seeing anyone. I ran across the backyard, down the street until I reached the nearest park. I stopped running and looked up at the sky, catching my breath. It's only then that I realized that it was pouring. The rain washing over my burning face was more than satisfying; I could have remained like this forever, just staring up at the night sky with the raindrops washing my tears away. The park was quiet, and the summer air was surprisingly fresh, considering how humid it had been in July. The running I had just done felt like it had made all the anger melt away. I felt much better.
I thought I was alone, but I wasn't. Behind me, a rustle of wings broke the deafening silence. I glanced towards the noise, and found an old dark-feathered owl perched on a bench, a couple of feet away from me. It hooted monotonously, and an overwhelming feeling of comfort wrapped my heart like a velvet blanket.
"Hey, Raven." I smiled slightly, walking over to him to stoke his feathers as a greeting. "Got something for me?"
Raven raised his tiny leg, and indeed, there was a letter hanging on it. I took it; the simple sophisticated look of it was enough for me to guess who it came from, but I checked the seal nonetheless. It only confirmed my suppositions: On the red wax was traced the Mulcibers' arms. I rolled my eyes and opened the envelope, in which I found a very pompously written invitation at a family dinner. The Averys were going to be there, as well as the Parkinsons, and probably some of the Blacks. It was going to be some kind of traditional rally; a great expensive party to initiate the young Purebloods to marriage. I winced in disgust. Why would the Mulcibers invite me to such an event? I'm only a Half-Blood… I shook my head and stuffed the letter in my pocket. It was better than to stay here, anyway.
"Severus!" Mr. Mulciber, a fat old man wearing a top hat, greeted me. "Welcome, my boy! Welcome…"
I entered the great Manor, and my jaw fell on its own; it was twice bigger than the Laverne's Manor. The entrance hall could have looked like a gallery if there hadn't been all those house elves running around to grab the coats that the guests were carelessly pushing off their shoulders.
"Good evening, my boy…" Mrs. Mulciber eyed me up and down, forced a contracted smile and patted the top of my head.
"Thanks for inviting me, Ma'am." I said, looking around. "Your place is really… impressive."
She gave me another grimace that looked like she had just sucked a lemon, and walked away. Thankfully, Rolf and Laverne came to find me immediately. One ruffled my hair and the other punched me in the stomach playfully, and I tried to laugh despite the fact that I didn't like it at all.
"You look absolutely elegant, mate." Rolf smirked at my ripped robes.
"What's that below your eyebrow?" Laverne asked, squinting his eyes.
Of course, you would notice, I thought ironically. I brought my hand to my eyebrow instinctively, imitating Mrs. Mulciber's grimace.
"What, that? Just a little cut. I tried to practice some spells and one of them backfired at me."
Rolf laughed loudly, but Laverne didn't seem so convinced. But I asked them if we could get something to drink, and thankfully, the subject was closed.
"I hope this year won't be too boring," Rolf said, gorging himself with appetizers.
"I doubt it." Laverne smirked, and exchanged knowing looks with Laverne.
"How's that?" I asked.
"Oh, let's just say our parents have interesting plans for us this year." Laverne responded.
"What kind of-"
"Bloody hell…" Rolf cut me off through a mouthful of food, his eyes wide.
"What?" I raised an eyebrow.
He nudged Laverne on the side, and swallowed hard; Laverne had the same stunned expression as him. I rolled my eyes and turned around, just as Shantae Parkinson arrived. She looked different than usual, a little more feminine perhaps. It was probably the red of her dress that contrasted with her long black hair that made Rolf and Laverne in such a state.
"Hey, boys," She said that looking at me, beaming. "It's good to see you again, Severus."
"Good to see you again too, Shantae."
"Wow, Shan, you look…" Rolf began.
"Dazzling." Laverne finished.
She smiled brightly. Her eyes suddenly drifted on me, and i had the very embarassing feeling that she was expecting something, but i couldn't tell what.
"Er… We should probably get seated." I smiled.
Her own smile faded a little; she was clearly disappointed. Rolf and Laverne exchanged another knowing look and glanced at me discreetely, winking and making obscene gestures. I shook my head, but couldn't help but chuckle at how ridiculous it was. Shantae and I were friends nothing more than that.
I found myself much more skilled in how to behave properly during such situations; and as I chose the spoon that suited the feast I had in my plate, I noted to myself that I should remember to thank Laverne for that. As the dinner went on, I vaguely listened to the conversations while eagerly devouring everything the house elves brought before me.
"Have you heard the news?" Mrs. Avery asked, wrinkling her nose as if there was a bad smell in the air, despite the appetizing scent of expensive food that filled the room. "About the Mudblood who succeeded in getting a job in the Ministry of Magic, isn't it outrageous?"
"Quite the contrary, my dear." Mr. Avery said with a satisfied smile. "Give it a couple of years and the Minister will have gathered them all in the web; now that's well thought."
"I agree." Mr. Mulciber added in between two bites of bread. "It'll only make it easier for Him to finish the job."
"Do you think that is what He is waiting for, darling?" Mrs. Mulciber asked, rubbing her husband's back as she lovingly watched him gorge himself.
"He must have something in mind, for sure."
At that point of the conversation, I had stopped chewing and looked up. At first, I had thought they were talking about the Minister. But as they went on, I came to realize that I had been incredibly naïve. I glanced at Laverne, then at Rolf: their eyes were twinkling. It looked like they knew something I didn't. I turned to look at Shantae, and met her gaze. She was pale, but she smiled briefly before returning to eating quietly.
"Now that we have brought the subject up, I've got some good news for you." Mr. Parkinson said proudly, putting a hand upon his daughter's shoulder. She stiffened, but she continued sipping on her spoon. "It will be done soon."
He smiled, probably expecting someone to cheer for Merlin knew what was this all about. But his grin quickly faded away, for everyone remained quiet.
"My poor Richard," Mr. Mulciber scoffed, which made Richard Parkinson grip his daughter's shoulder a little tighter; she swallowed, but remained incredibly stiff. "Your baby girl is barely old enough; you shouldn't even count on it."
"My daughter will be fourteen in a week, Sir." Parkinson said coolly. "She is a woman now. She can handle herself."
"On Merlin's name, you're delusional, old man." Mulciber waved his hand disdainfully. "What would He do with a bud like her ? Come on, Richard, this is a serious topic."
"Bellatrix Black was fifteen! Has anyone forgotten the day her parents brought her to Him?" Parkinson barked. Mulciber dropped his fork and glared at him, which made the man lower his tone. "Shantae is twice as clever as her; I know He has good reasons to choose her."
"The Blacks…" Mr. Avery snickered. "Talking about the polluted family that didn't dare showing up tonight, are you Richard?"
"I trust Him." He said firmly, before glancing at his daughter affectionately. Shantae didn't even look up at him. "You'll do fine, Shanty."
"As fine as her Half-Blooded mother." Mulciber spoke.
Upon these words, Richard Parkinson jumped on his feet, making his red velvet seat fall backwards. His wand was aiming at Mr. Mulciber, who had stood up as drew his wand as well.
"Father!" Shantae shouted in a broken voice, speaking for the first time since the dinner begun.
Mrs. Avery and Mrs. Mulciber both had their hands upon their mouths, and their eyes wide. Rolf and Laverne were smirking, apparently enjoying the play. Mr. Avery had stood up slowly, both of his hands raised.
"Let's not spend our energy worthlessly before the right time has come," He said calmly, glancing at each of the two men. "You'll have plenty of time to kill each other later."
Parkinson lowered his wand, but his murderous glare was still aimed at Mulciber. He kicked the seat that was laying on the floor, grabbed Shantae by the arm and dragged her with him. A house elf came running to open the door for him, and they both disappeared.
"Darling!" Mrs. Mulciber said disapprovingly, as if she was speaking to a little boy.
"Some wizards must learn when to remain where they belong," He said disdainfully, before getting back to his seat and taking a large bite of pie. "In the shadows."
I frowned, trying to understand the situation. Shantae had never told me anything about her or her family. What had happened to her mother? What was going to happen to her, now? And most importantly, who was that mysterious man, or thing they were talking about? Despite how startling everything was, I had the disturbing feeling in the pit of my stomach that I knew who this was all about.
When I came back home, I was glad to find a letter from Lily in the mailbox. Her parents had decided to stay a little longer in France, so we would have to meet at King's Cross again this year. I was a bit disappointed, but I comforted myself by thinking that it would only make me even more eager to see her.
"I found some 4th year books of mines in the attic."
"Thanks, mother." I said distractedly as I crossed the kitchen, where she was sitting.
"Severus, come here, son."
I stooped and looked up at her; my heart tightened painfully. Her left eye was swollen.
"Where is he?" I asked through gritted teeth.
"Come here."
I didn't move.
"Please, my boy. I'm tired."
My heart sank a second time, and I rushed over to where she was sitting. My knees banged on the ground. I sobbed on her lap.
"I will kill him! I swear it on Merlin's name, I will kill him!" I yelled, gripping her dirty apron tightly.
She pushed me off her, and slapped me. A hiccup escaped my lips and I stopped crying instantly.
"Don't you dare become like him, Severus Snape." She said calmly.
I looked up at my mother. My poor, cold mother. She was not beautiful. Not at all. Her face was sickly yellowish, and her skin looked like it had been under the water for hours. Only it was dry. Her eyes were narrowed and harsh, and her lips were pursed. And she was my mother. My poor, broken mother.
A loud crash echoed from the front door, followed by sloppy swears; Father was back.
"Go to your room." Mother ordered, turning away from me to light up a cigarette.
I cowardly stood up and quietly padded to my room. Less than five minutes later, I could hear loud shouting and banging.
The 1st of September 1974 arrived at last. My mother accompanied me to Kings' Cross. We didn't speak at all until I faced her on Platform 9¾, waiting for her to say something; because I had nothing to say.
"You won't be coming home for Christmas."
"I know."
"Don't lose your text books, Severus. You won't get any new ones."
"I know."
"And no letter. Your father won't like that."
"I know."
Silence.
"Anything you would like to say?"
"I…"
The Hogwarts Express whistled. I shook my head and grabbed the handle of my trunk.
"Goodbye, Mother."
I turned my back to her and left, pulling my trunk with me; and yet I still felt like I had left something behind me. A part of me.
"Snape!"
I looked up and saw Laverne, Rolf and Shantae at the end of the corridor, waving to me and pointing at their compartment. I found myself filled with a feeling that I didn't have last year when I had met them at King's Cross: a feeling of gratefulness. I smiled and joined them, forgetting to glance at my mother through the side windows of the train.
"How are you?" I asked Shantae when Laverne and Rolf –I would have bet it was on purpose- left to get sweets.
"I'm fine." She smiles, but quickly looks away. "I know we left earlier than everyone else, but my father is on his nerves these days; I'm planning on sending an apology toMr. And Mrs. Mulciber."
"It seems to me like they don't deserve any, considering the way Mulciber vexed your father." She shrugged. I hesitated a moment, before asking : "What happened to your mother?"
"She was killed by a werewolf." She said off-handedly. "It was happened a little while before my first year at Hogwarts."
"Why?"
"A betrayal." She smiled bitterly. "She was supposed to report informations from the Ministry. But at some point, things got complicated and the werewolves begun threatening our family. So my mother used her position at the Ministry to make sure that all the werewolves must legally present themselves to the Department of Magical Creatures, or be eradicated."
"But they found her." She nodded, rubbing the corner of her eye. "And those informations… they were to be reported to… to The Dark Lord, weren't they?"
"Always so clever," She smiled slightly. Her eyes were shimmering. "I thought we had lost you through the dinner that night."
"Are you going to do it for real?"
Her smile vanished, and she looked away, as if ashamed of herself.
"I believe He thinks I can replace my mother. I don't know what he's expecting from me, but I'm afraid it has something to do with Hogwarts. He can't possibly have chosen me when I have barely started studying the Dark Arts' program. But whatever it is… I mustn't deceive my father. He won't make it a second time."
"Is there anyone else who…"
"Missed us, lovebirds?" Mulciber snickered, walking in the compartment with handfuls of sweets, followed by Avery.
Shantae glanced at Mulciber and looked back at me. I nodded, and asked for a sweet.
As every year since I was twelve, I expected to see Lily when the train stopped at Hogsmeade. But she was nowhere in sight. McKinnon and Meadowes were sitting together with some other girls in one carriage, and Potter's gang in another, being as stupid as ever. I sat with my friends in an empty carriage, looking around frantically. But my efforts to catch a glimpse of her were vain, for she wasn't there at all.
We were all gathered in the Great Hall after the Sorting when the dreams I had been dreaming all summer came true. I was building a volcano with the mashed potatoes in my plate, when everything went a little quieter, as if a whole group of people out of all the students of Hogwarts had stopped talking at the same moment; and I knew which group it was before I had even looked up: the Marauders all went quiet at once –which was a lot considering how loud Potter and Black were- and each one of them looked like they had just been stunned; wide eyed and open mouthed. But they weren't the only ones: a couple of boys at the Gryffindor table had the same expression, and all were looking at the same direction. I rolled my eyes and followed they gazes, and probably ended up having the exact same face as them: at the end of the Great Hall, Lily Evans had just emerged. But it was not the Lily Evans that had left Hogwarts a couple of months ago, at the end of her third year. It was a much more… feminine one. Despite the fact that must have had grown a couple of inches taller over the summer, her hair somehow reached the end of her back. But it wasn't only that. She had curves. Everywhere I looked, I could see a line waving wonderfully under her robes. And her eyes… her eyes were still the same, two bright and warm emeralds. She smiled, and it's not until she threw herself into my arms that I realized that she had been running across the Great Hall to meet me. I buried my nose into her long, silky hair, and her exhilarating scent invaded my senses; although I still couldn't guess what perfume it was, even though I felt like I knew it, which was subconsciously frustrating. She pulled back and cupped my face between her soft palms, bringing her forehead against mine.
"Hey," She breathed.
"H-hi," I swallowed hard, fighting to keep my balance. "Where have you been? I've been searching for you…"
"I just came back from an appointment with Dumbledore." She grinned, pulling away from me, but linking her hands with mines.
"Could you have possibly gotten into trouble, Miss Evans?"
"What's that tone of surprise?" She hit my shoulder playfully, faking an offended tone.
I smiled, but I didn't get to respond, for the Great Hall went quiet for Dumbledore's speech. Lily kissed me on the cheek and let go of my hands to go sit at her table. When I turned around, I found Avery and Mulciber looking at me as if I was covered in dirt. Shantae wasn't looking at me, but her nails were tapping on the table so hard I wondered how she didn't get hurt each time they met the wood.
"Good evening and welcome to another year at Hogwarts," Dumbledore begun as I sat down next to Shantae.
I didn't pay much attention to the speech, for it was the same as each year: welcoming the first years, reciting the most important rules of Hogwarts and presenting each one of the Professors. But then, after everyone every one clapped and I expected the headmaster to retreat himself, he raised his hands and spoke again.
"I would like to announce an event that, I hope, will brighten our year a little during these dark times. I have spoken with Professor McGonagall, and she found the idea very exciting, and I think some of you might like it: ball."
Everyone looked around and begun whispering, startled. I had looked up too, wondering what on earth had went through our old headmaster's mind.
"You mean, new balls for Quidditch?" Black shouted excitedly, his voice filling the Great Hall.
"Of course you would need balls, wanker." Potter added, which made everyone burst into laughter; including Black, who didn't protest at all.
"Thank you for these useful interventions, Mr. Potter and Black." Dumbledore smiled, clearly amused too. "But what I really meant was a dancing Ball."
The contrast between the reactions was as expected: girls giggling excitedly and boys faking puking noises. I glanced at Lily, and met her eyes. I could have never blushed harder.
"I'm glad everyone seems to enjoy the idea. The ball will take place before the Christmas Holidays; I expect you to find a partner before then. Mrs. McGonagall has volunteered to give you dancing lessons, and no one will have any excuse to miss them, or I'll know it and they will be opening the ball all by themselves." He chuckled to himself, as if he was secretly wishing that someone would actually miss the lessons just so that he could see them twirling alone on the dancefloor in front of a thousand students. "Very well, for those who wish to help for the preparations, may they present themselves to my office as soon as possible. Enjoy your feast!"
Everyone stood up and cheered, except for my table. The feast begun and everywhere I looked, I could see boys asking girls to go to the ball with them. And each time I became more and more anxious, hoping that no one would ask Lily before I did.
But I was a fool to hope for such a thing.
The whole feast went extremely cold, because Shantae didn't speak to me at all. When it ended and it was time for us to go to our respective common rooms, I let Avery and Mulciber on the front and remained in the back with Shantae.
"You've got to stop thinking about it, Shan. I'm sure it'll be fine." I only got a bitter laugh in response. "Look, I know your father won't let anything happen-"
"I don't care about this, you idiot!" She shouted. I looked around worriedly, but there was too many noise for anyone to hear her. "Don't you understand, Severus? I don't care!"
"What's wrong, then? You haven't been speaking to me at all since the last half hour…"
"You don't see it, do you?" She said, looking at me. "You don't get it…"
"Quit the enigmas, Shanty. What are you talking about?"
She stopped, and I stopped too. By this time most of the people were gone. At least that's what I thought when she bent over and kissed me, just an inch next to my lips. I frowned, and suddenly everything made sense. Unable to stop myself, I laughed.
"That's right, laugh at me." Her eyes filled with tears, and she ran up the stairs.
"No! Shantae, wait! I didn't mean- ugh, women!" I groaned, slapping the palm of my hand on my forehead.
I sighed and made my way towards the staircase. I was halfway to the first step when I heard what sounded like a muffled sob. I looked around myself, but there was no one in sight. Thinking it was probably a ghost, I continued my way, with the strange feeling that I had forgotten something.
It's not until the next morning that I remembered I had forgotten to ask Lily to be my partner for the Ball. I jumped off my bed and went straight to the showers. It had been painful, but any pain was worth Lily. I did my best to fix my hair, and even stole some perfume from Avery. Fresh and new, I rushed to the Great Hall for Breakfast. But she was nowhere in sight. Class started, and I couldn't concentrate at all, because I kept on rehearsing my speech over and over again in my head during the whole lessons. I had to wait until dinner to finally catch glimpse of her. She was leaving the Great Hall in a hurry.
"Sev?" She called, frowning.
I blinked. We were in front of the Great Hall entrance, and I had just dragged her in a corner. I swallowed and let go of her arm, even though it didn't seem to bother her.
"I wanted to ask you…"
"Well, well, well! If this isn't cute!"
My fists curled on their own, and I turned around to glare at Potter.
"Sod off, Potter."
"You don't have to be so mean, Snivellus! I meant it, you two were charming together, yesterday. Isn't it what you get to see in muggle movies, Evans? Two lovebirds running on the beach in slow motion for a carnal embrace…"
"Why don't you go and ask the Giant Squid for a dance?" Lily spoke, glaring at him.
"Talking about dancing," He ruffled his hair, giving her a look and using a tone I didn't like at all. "Go out with me, Evans?"
I blinked and my wand was pointed at him. He laughed.
"Scared that she'd say yes, Snivellus?"
"In your dreams, Potter." It was Lily's turn to laugh. I smirked, lowering my wand.
"I suppose he's already asked you, then." Potter glanced at me smirking. I saw red again.
"Not at all." Lily grinned.
"Then go out with me."
"Sure, Potter."
"Stop playing with me."
"Stop asking stupid questions, then."
I couldn't stand it anymore. I stood between them two, facing Potter with a glare.
"How many times will it take for you to understand that she hates you?"
"We're not talking about yourself here, Snape." He glared back.
"Lily, you've got to choose right now. It's either me or him." I told her.
"I've already chosen." I smirked, and Potter shot me with a glare. "I'm going with Remus."
Both Potter and I spun around to face her, bewildered.
"What?!" We spat at the same time.
"Maybe that way you'll stop fighting." She shrugged and walked away.
"This is your fault, you bastard!" I shouted at him, poking him hard on the chest.
"I'll get back at you later," He said through gritted teeth as he walked the opposite way of Lily. "I gotta kill someone first."
I groaned angrily and caught up with Lily by the Lake, next to our tree.
"Lily, why on Merlin's name did you…" I stopped. She was crying. "Lily, what's wrong?" I sat next to her, bringing my hand to her wet cheek.
"When will it stop, Sev? When will you stop hurting me?"
"I didn't do anything, Lily! It's him! It's always him who messes with you and I!"
She shook her head.
"I'm not talking about him, I'm talking about you and that little girlfriend of yours!"
I frowned, and once more, it took me some time to understand what we were talking about. I rubbed my neck, probably blushing.
"You saw us, then."
"Hell yeah I saw you! The way she threw herself at you like a disgusting octopus…" She mumbled darkly with a look of disgust on her face.
"Lily, you're exaggerating. She was feeling bad and she probably needed some comfort from one of her friends, and I just happened to be there. We didn't kiss, if that's what you think. You know Shantae's just a …"
"Don't you dare say it one more time, Severus." She glared at me. "Don't you dare take me for a fool one more time. It's much more than that, and you know it. You know she had feelings for you." She said, tears rolling down her face again.
"Alright, maybe she does, so what?" I couldn't help but feel angry at how unfair she was acting after what had just happened. "Potter just asked you out before my nose and I didn't start crying just because of that." I said off-handedly, but deep down I knew I that was the biggest lie I had ever told. "Besides, you're going out with Remus now, aren't you? What's it to you if Shantae cares for me?"
She looked away, defeated.
"Nothing." She spat. "Go out with her, I don't even care." She added, standing up.
"I wish I had gone to the ball with you, though."
Lily turned around and looked down at me. She was crying even harder than when I found her.
"Then next time make sure you're the first one to ask me out instead of making out in dark corners!" She shouted, and stormed away.
I watched her leave, bewildered. The day I first saw her behind the bushes, I hadn't thought it would be so hard to get to her heart. The rain started pouring, and everyone rushed inside the castle. But I didn't feel like it, so I stayed under our tree, watching the raindrops splashing quietly in the lake. After a moment, I started feeling better, as if comforted. Then I realized that a smell had been awaken in the air. A familiar smell. Lily drifted through my mind, and I smiled. I didn't know why, but I turned around, as if i had expected her to be back. But she wasn't there. I looked up at the tree and noticed that there were still many flowers in it, despite the fact that we were in the beginning of September. White flowers. And everything made sense; I grinned and stood up to tear one of them off the tree, and brought it to my nose. It was Lily's scent: Blossom flower. I could feel my heart beat harder in my chest, and my eyes fell shut as I inhaled the increasing scent of the humid flower.
I kept the flower between the pages of my notebook, before walking back to the castle; it was almost curfew. I was heading towards the dungeons, when I heard quiet voices. I frowned and went the opposite way, towards the courtyard. Two silhouettes appeared between the columns: the first one had long hair, and the second one had glasses. I quickly hid behind the nearest one, watching.
"You won't hurt Severus again. If you do, Potter, I'll destroy you."
"Oh, really?" He said seductively, taking a step towards her.
Lily took a step backwards, and her back met the column.
"You know what I'm capable of."
"Show me." He said, bending over a little to be at eye level with her.
"I'll show you the next time you touch him."
"Alright." He shrugged, "But at one condition."
"I'm listening."
He smiled crookedly, and leaned both of his hands on the column, just above Lily's shoulders.
"Save me the last dance at the Ball."
She frowned, as if surprised.
"Why would you want that?"
"I just want you to get to know me better. If you still hate me, I'll leave you alone with Snape." For the first time in three years, I saw a serious James Potter. "Give me one chance to prove you I'm worth it, Evans. And I promise you I'll leave Snape alone."
"How does it feel to have to bargain with a girl so that you can get what you want from her?"
"Wrong." He shrugged. "But if it's the only way I have, I won't waste it."
"You don't like me, Potter." She said, and I could hear the disgust in her voice. "You just can't stand that I'm the only one you can't impress. I bet you hadn't even noticed me when we first met, before you started picking on Severus."
"Is that what you think?"
"I know it."
Everything went silent. I looked back at them, hoping it wasn't what I thought. But it was: Potter had pressed Lily against the column, both of his hands cupping her face and lips devouring hers. I grabbed my wand instinctively, thinking that this time I would kill him. I would do it, if I didn't know for sure that if Lily discovered that I had spied on her, she would never forgive me. Thankfully, it only lasted half a second. She pushed him away violently, and spat at his feet.
"You disgust me." She said, wiping her mouth.
"Fine," He snapped. "Don't believe me; it's as you wish. But I want an answer by tomorrow night."
"Don't count on it, Potter."
He looked at her for a moment, and laughed.
"You know, it's funny. You'd think that out of all the people who recognize love, the heartbroken ones would be the best at it." He shook his head.
"What are you talking about?" She asked through gritted teeth.
"Come on, Evans. You clearly have feelings for him. He's been breaking your heart over and over again ever since second year, and you're doing the exact same thing to me." He smiled slightly. "I thought that would be enough for you to see how much I love you, Lily."
She opened her mouth to say something back at him, but he left before giving her a chance to. Potter walked past the column behind which I was hiding without seeing me, and disappeared. I looked back at Lily. Her gaze was lost somewhere on the ground, and she was still. I shook my head and left, hearing nothing but the pouring rain in the courtyard and quiet sobs.
The next day, I wasn't surprised to notice that Potter and the rest of his gang didn't bother me at all. It was probably Potter's strategy to convince Lily to save him a dance. It would have preferred them torturing me every day instead of having to watch her in his arms.
I had had the time to calm myself down during the whole night, and think. I had decided that I would act as if nothing had happened. So I remained with my friends, and the day went perfect without anyone to annoy me. I came across Lily in the corridors a couple of times, and she smiled slightly to me. I smiled back each time, but quickly turned to continue the conversation I was having with my friends. After lunch, I asked Shantae to come have a walk with me. We both stood up and left the table. She looked depressed, so I wrapped an arm around her, and glanced at Lily out of the corner of my eye: she was watching us. I smiled to myself. Everything was going as planned.
"What did you want to tell me?" Shantae asked, tossing rocks into the lake.
"I'm sorry for being a stupid git."
"Yeah, well, you still are one."
I chuckled, and I could see that she wanted to smile too.
"I guess I am." I said, more to myself.
"I wouldn't like you otherwise, anyway." She said, sitting down next to me and linking her arm with mine.
"This is exactly why I brought you hear." I cleared my throat, and, despite how much I wanted to kill that bastard ever since what I saw the night before, I decided to play smart, and did my best to imitate the look and the tone he used with Lily: "Will you be my partner for the ball, Shantae?"
"W-what?" He stuttered, looking up at me.
"I'm not a particularly good dancer, but at least I can keep my balance…"
"Yes." She smiled brightly, pulling him into a hug. I smiled back and hugged her, but she quickly pulled away, blushing.
"You… you put on some perfume…"
"Ah… Err, yeah." I rubbed the back of my neck, embarrassed. It was ironic how much effort I was making to please Lily and I each time ended up pleasing another girl. "I actually like it."
"Me t- I mean, yeah, it's not bad." She giggled nervously, and jumped on her feet. "Look, I gotta go to the library. I'll see you later!" She quickly escaped, swearing under her breath.
I shook my head and huffed, running a hand through my hair. What on earth was I doing?
The weeks passed, and Potter didn't speak to me once. Sometimes he would smirk at me, and I understood that Lily had agreed to save him a dance. But I was sure that it was rather to piss me off than to protect me. And what bothered me was that it actually worked. They didn't speak at all, thank Merlin; but I knew I would have to watch her dance with him at that stupid Ball very soon.
Meanwhile, Lily and I only spoke in potions. It was awkward, because she was clumsier than usual around me, and she kept on avoiding my gaze. But I wasn't much better than her: I couldn't speak right, and most of the time I had to hide behind my hair for her not to see my flushed cheeks. But the most embarrassing day was when we had to make Armorencia.
"I think we're done." Lily said, tossing the potion as she carefully stood as far as possible from it.
"There's only one way to figure out."
She turned to look at me, smiling that smile of hers.
"Together?"
"Together."
We both bent over the cauldron and inhaled.
"So?" Lily asked me, frowning.
"I don't… I don't smell anything…"
"Good job, children!" Professor Slughorn clapped in his hands, smiling at us both proudly. "Ah, the sweet smell of crystallized pineapple."
He walked away, humming a melody only he knew. Lily and I glanced at each other, startled.
"This is weird."
"Maybe we both caught a cold?" I shrugged.
"Don't be stupid, Sev." She inhaled again. "By the way, you put way too much perfume."
"I could tell you the same thing!" I told her, offended.
She looked up at me, smirking.
"I didn't put any perfume at all today."
"Liar."
"Wanna bet?"
The bell rang and everyone rushed out. Lily winked at me and left me sitting there with the cauldron. I closed my eyes and inhaled its content one last time, and for a moment it felt like I was standing in a field of Blossom flowers.
The Ball arrived soon enough, and Dumbledore was kind enough to offer me a suit for Christmas. I waited with all the gents down the Great Stairs, where the ladies were supposed to come from. The first girls came down, but I didn't pay attention to them; I was too busy glaring at Lupin, who was wearing old and shabby clothes as always. I glanced at Potter, wondering who he had ended up asking out, but he didn't care about the girls that were walking down the stairs either. He was speaking with Lupin, and it seemed like he was threatening him. I couldn't help but chuckle at how ironic all of this unexpected mess was. At some point, Potter smiled up at the stairs, and went to give an arm to Marlene McKinnon who, from what I had understood over the years, was his childhood friend.
I looked back at the stairs, and caught a twinkling pair of black eyes. It was Shantae. She had braided her hair into a bun, and wore a long dark blue velvet dress. A sapphire was winking in the crook of her neck, matching with earrings under the rebel strands of dark hair that had escaped from her bun. I smiled as I held out a hand for her, and she took it, beaming.
"You look fantastic," I said sincerely.
"I thought I could take care of myself for once." She pulled her rebel locks behind her ear, grinning. "Glad you like it."
"Let's get us some drinks." I took her by the waist and led her, glancing one last time up the stairs, in case Lily would appear. But she seemed to be late, so I turned around and forgot about it.
A magic tent had been lifted outside the castle under the moonlight. It looked big on the outside, but even bigger when Shantae and I entered it. At the opposite of the entrance, a stage dominated the whole tent. On it stood a piano, a base, a guitar, drums and all kinds of muggle devices, including a micro. There were no tables, but there were buffets sideways of the tent. Colorful spotlights danced in the middle of the tent where most of the students stood, looking amazed by such a lovely decoration. Above us, magical snow fell from the roof of the tent, and melted away just before reaching us.
"Wow…" Shantae breathed, "Now that's what I call a Ball. I have to admit that Dumbledore didn't make fun of us this time."
"I believe he asked some help from us." I sipped on my cocktail distractedly, looking around for a certain redhead.
"Welcome, welcome to you all!" Dumbledore said cheerfully as he stood on the stage, without even using the micro. "I hope you will enjoy your last evening before the Christmas Holidays. Personally, I think this party is starting out very well," He said as he chewed on a candy. "I would like to thank the students that helped organizing this beautiful event. You must have noticed some strange things that don't belong in the magical world…" He glanced at the micro, perplexed. "I believed that in these times of common hatred towards muggles, it was my duty to remind all of you that non-magical people are still people. I would like to particularly thank a bright young witch who managed to bring a touch of… how do I put it… muggleness, into this party. Ladies and gents, cheers for Miss Lily Evans."
Everyone cheered and clapped, and finally, the person I wanted to see the most showed up in the most unexpected way. Dumbledore held out a hand and Lily stepped on stage, reaching out to take it. She wasn't wearing anything special; just a silky green dress and matching slippers. Her wavy long hair fell naturally on her shoulders, and her cheeks were almost as red as her lips. But she was the most beautiful girl of all, and half of the boys who were there had seen it, which bothered their partners. But they just couldn't look away. I couldn't. Hey eyes were so green… A green as the grass we used to lie down on when we were children. Dumbledore kissed the top of her hand, and Lily turned to face us and bow a few times, mouthing a couple thank you's.
"May the party begin!" Dumbledore spoke.
A group of men wearing leather jackets and combat boots joined them on the stage and loud rock'n roll music echoed in the tent. Black was the first one to shout and jump on the dancefloor, but soon enough everyone was dancing on Can you dance like a Hippogriff. Dumbledore joined the rest of the professors near the buffet and Lily jumped off the stage, helped by Lupin. He grabbed her by her waist and heaved her from where she stood, before putting her back down on the ground; which startled me. Lupin was a tall guy, and rather muscular for a fourteen years old… something went through my mind, but it quickly slipped away when I saw them hug each other.
"Severus?" Shantae asked pointedly. "Would you like to dance?"
"But of course, beautiful." I told her, grabbing her to the dancefloor.
The whole night had seemed like some kind of game. Each time I saw Lily whispering in Lupin's ear, I would pull a strand of Shantae's hair behind her ear. And every time she would see me do that, she would peck him on the cheek. And each time, it would get further and further. And as the hours passed, I could feel anger rising in the pit of my stomach.
When the first slow song came on, I brought Shantae closer to me, so that I could watch Lily and Lupin over her shoulder. He kept on whispering things in her ear, and each time she laughed, my heard broke a little more. I barely noticed the way Shantae had buried her nose in my neck; and to be honest, I couldn't care less. When the dance ended, I had reached a point where I couldn't stand it anymore. I left Shantae with Avery and Mulciber, and went to get myself a cup of firewhiskey. I gulped it down in one go.
"Having fun?"
I laughed and turned around to face a pair of malicious green eyes.
"Absolutely. How about you, Miss Lily Evans?"
"Wonderful." She rolled her eyes. "You and Parkinson look good together."
"Not as good as you and Lupin." I smiled.
She looked into my eyes, skeptical.
"Sev, what are we doing?"
"I'm not doing anything." I shrugged, sipping on my second cup without even looking at her.
"Merlin's beard, Evans!" Potter stood between us, wrapping an arm around her waist. "Of all the ladies gathered in this tent, you must be the prettiest one. Shall we go, love?"
Lily glanced at me worriedly. Of course… she didn't know I knew about her and Potter's bargain. I had to play the game.
"What's that about?" I asked, glaring at Potter.
"Oh, I suppose she didn't tell you, then. Of course; not everyone can easily break a heart." He gave me a cold look. "Go on, tell him what you promised me, Evans."
"Let's end this quickly, Potter." She said, dragging him with her.
"Someone's eager…" Potter smirked. "Sorry, mate." He winked at me, before following her on the dancefloor.
I swallowed back my anger, and watched Potter take Lily's hand and bring her closer to him with a hand on her hip. He murmured something to her and she shook her head, putting her chin on his shoulder and closing her eyes; probably so that she wouldn't see him smirk at her anymore. I thought I would have stormed away. Or that I would have killed him. but I just stood there by the buffet, swallowing the liquor and whishing the way I felt each time it burned its way down my throat had been more painful than my heart. It was as if I enjoyed the way it felt to have a sharp knife digging a whole as slowly as the seconds passed; as if I was being punished for the way I had been hurting Lily, just like Potter had meant. I watched them turn and turn, and each time Potter's back faced me, Lily opened her eyes, just watching me. I did my best to hide my emotions.
I had also expected that Potter would smirk at me each time he faced me. But he didn't. His eyes were either closed, or lost somewhere between Lily's long locks, which tickled the hand that was in the crook of her back. And I knew that this whole situation was actually a thousand time as worse as I thought: Potter really did love her. It wasn't just a question of rivalry or of vanity. He knew how much Lily was wonderful. And I felt sorry for him.
The pressure of the air became too much to endure, and I felt my legs move on their own towards the exit of the tent. I emerged into the fresh air, and took deep breaths to calm myself down. I took a few steps down the lake, where the loud music could still be heard. I stood there, facing the racing water which reflected the shadow of the moon. Before the song ended, I heard footsteps behind me.
"Go back to him." I said through gritted teeth. "Go back, Lily. Go back before I break your heart one more time."
"I had to, Sev…"
"How was it?" I snapped.
"He's a good dancer, but I didn't enjoy it the slightest. All I could think of was-" She said soflty, but I cut her off.
"I meant the kiss." I turned around to face her. "Does he kiss as well as he dances?"
"We didn't kiss…" She assured me, frowning.
I scoffed, smiling bitterly.
"I saw you two the other night."
Her beautiful lips formed an O, and her thin eyebrows furrowed.
"You spied on us?!"
"The same way you did the evening you though Shantae kissed me on the lips." I shrugged.
She swallowed, out of arguments.
"If you saw us, then you must have understood my purpose."
"I thought I had." I said much more quietly. "Until I saw you tonight with Lupin. The way he succeeded in making you laugh. And the way you acted around him." She looked away. "You didn't agree to dance with Potter to protect me from him, did you?"
"No."
"Why, then?" I asked in almost a whisper, feeling the excitment rising in my chest. She sighed.
"I couldn't stand how close you and Parkinson were. I wanted… I wanted you to feel what I felt."
"Lily… these last two years have been though, but we've went through it together, haven't we?" I grabbed her chin gently to make her look up at me. "Do you remember the promise you made me, back in your parent's backyard?"
"I'll always be there for you, Sev." She whispered.
I nodded, and brought the tip of my index to her cheekbone, stroked her skin all the way down her cheek and poked her nose, which made her chuckle.
"Always," I repeated, smiling.
Behind us, the song Magic Works began playing in the tent. Lily's eyes brightened: it was her favorite song. I took her hand and brought her closer, and we danced, cheek to cheek, palm to palm. My eyes fell shut, leaving the rest of my senses intensify: the smell of her perfume, the sound of her breath, the touch of her skin… It was like being under a drug. We turned and I made her twirl a few times, and Merlin, she laughed. Slowly, the nature joined our dance in sync: a soft breeze tickled our skins, the trees began whispering and a thin snow started falling. At some point, I thought of telling her that I loved her, but it didn't come out the way I had expected it to:
"I would endure the Cruciatus Curse every day if it meant that I we would remain like this together forever.
She didn't say anything, but I felt her smile against my neck. Suddenly, strange lights began flying around us, and we pulled apart. Lily laughed, and I watched her.
"Fireflies! Isn't it beautiful, Sev?"
"Beautiful." I repeated, watching her smile.
Her smile faded slightly, without disappearing completely. She looked deep into my eyes.
"Is there anything you wish to tell me, Severus?" She asked gently.
I gulped, and my heart started beating madly in my chest. She wanted to hear it, that was for sure. But how was she going to react? Despite all the things she had just revealed to me, despite the way she had been behaving that year, I couldn't help but doubt.
"I…" I started. Lily's eyes widened a little, and I could see the eagerness in them. "Lily, I…"
I could have made all of my dreams come true, just by telling her the three words she wanted to hear. I could have changed everything. We would have fought side by side against the prejudices, we would have taken over the wizarding world with the simple strength of our love. She would have been my queen. My Lily.
"I'm glad we're still friends." I said blankly.
Lily's smile instantly vanished, and she looked away, as if deeply wounded. I remained as still as stone, but in my head, I was yelling my lungs out.
"Me too, Sev." She smiled weakly for a second, but it looked like she was making fun of herself. "I… I gotta go back. Someone could notice our absence, we don't want stupid rumors to spread over the school."
And with that, she turned her back to me, but as I thought she was leaving for good, she spoke over her shoulder:
"Dancing with you was lovely."
And she left. I waited until she disappeared to sit down at the edge of the lake, crying in rage as I dug my nails in the skin of my arms.
The next morning, I was woken up by a deafening silence. There was no one left in the dormitory; no one but me. The sun had already risen: it was past eleven, and the Hogwarts Express must have been already in its way to bring the students back home for Christmas. I sat up on my bed, my head still pounding with having cried so much.
I noticed the scratches on my forearms and the bruises on my knuckles, and a flashback whipped me: me running to the forbidden forest to scream my lungs out, kick trees and myself as well, falling on my knees and begging the skies to tell me what to do, what to think and what to say. Then, me limping towards the castle without even worrying whether Shantae was looking for me or not, and having nothing else in mind than Lily dancing in Potter's arms, Lily laughing with him, Lily's lips brushing against his shoulder, his breath against her neck, his fingertips in her hair… Me throwing up in the courtyard with my eyes burning without having any tears left to shed, me wandering around the dark and cool corridors with blurry eyes, helping myself with the wall in case my legs would go weak under the weight of my heart, yelling again and again with no one else to hear but me, and the portraits not even snapping at me for waking them up but merely observing me walk past them with sorry expressions; and finally, me falling against my bed, unable to shout, unable to cry… just breathing… surviving.
I felt like I was going to be sick again, but a noise echoed from down the stairs in the common room. I jumped off my bed, ignoring my aching temples, with the naïve hope that I would find Lily Evans waiting for me downstairs.
"You look like you had fun last night," Shantae sneered.
"Isn't the train already gone?" I asked hopefully, seeing her still packing up.
She shook her head and resumed closing her trunk, smiling terrifyingly sadly.
"She's in the Great Hall."
I rushed towards the Portrait Hall. I was about to disappear behind it, when something stopped me and made my relief vanish. Something salty and bitter; something like guilt. I slowly turned around, and found Shantae watching me with wide, bewildered eyes. Tears were rolling down her cheeks.
"Shan…"
"You did all of this for her, didn't you?" She said, giving me a disgusted look. "It was her from the beginning! You used me to impress that filthy Mudblood!" She cried.
"Don't call her that!" I threatened angrily.
"You have no soul! You're just a bloody shadow! A shadow who goes around and torture people's heart so that you could make up for not having one!" She shouted, probably as hard as I had the night before.
"STOP!" I yelled, pushing her against the wall violently, holding her wrists against it.
We were only inches apart from each other. She was quiet. I was quiet. Her eyes were on my lips. I could have fixed it. Right now, right there, I had another chance to fix what I had built myself over the years I had spent at Hogwarts. One kiss, and everything was over. She would forgive me and in her arms I would get a chance to forget about Lily. Or the opposite.
Suddenly, Shantae's skin became less pale, much more porcelain-like… Much more perfect. Her hair grew, and the darkness lightened a little into dark red. Her lips were fuller now, and cherry red. And her eyes were apple green. And in a split second, I had my lips pressed against hers. Despite the fact that it was my first kiss, I knew exactly what to do, as if I had done it a thousand times before… in my dreams. I thought about the first times I got to watch her lying down on the grass as we stared up at the clouds, when we were eleven. How that time I realized that not only Lily Evans but pretty, but she was an angel. And I thought about the first time she took my hand. The kiss she gave me on my birthday. The first time I saw her in the beginning of this year, and I had realized she had become a woman. How she graciously stood on the stage with Dumbledore the night before, how she spoke to me next to the buffet and the look she gave me, how he joined me by the lake and how I got to dance with her, how she looked into my eyes and practically said that she loved me…
I ran my fingers hungrily against her skin, remembering how it felt to touch Lily's. I was so close to finally feel her lips last night… My tongue brushed against hers, and I bit on her lower lip until she moaned. She smelt like blossom flowers… so good. I breathed into the crook of her neck and sucked until her skin turned blueish, scratching my nails on the silk of her thighs. The adrenaline that had taken grip of me that morning as I had her pressed against the wall could have made me break her in two. I love you.
"Lily…" I breathed in her neck.
She pushed me away from her, and the magic disappeared. The breathless mess that was standing before me was not Lily. She snickered devilishly, but her eyes were murderous.
"You're no better than that Potter who you've been weeping about since first year, Snape." Shantae Parkinson declared darkly. "You're no better than fucking Voldemort."
She watched me break for a moment, before picking up her trunk and leaving me alone in the common room. I stood still, feeling as if I had just been shot.
