Stepsiblings, a Kingdom Hearts fanfic series by Raberba girl

If We Could Meet Again - Van & Ven (rough draft) [censored version]

Summary: Van & Ven still have some things to say to each other.

A/N: I actually had similar ideas a while ago for Saïx/Kay, Axel/Ven, etc., but for some reason the VenVan version that popped into my head this morning was the first to actually get written. *sweatdrop*

Van's POV. AU because the timeline for this subplot is so messed up. -.- This makes a bit more sense if you've read "Beyond His Reach."

o.o.o

I know who he is before I even see him. 'Ven's here,' I think, and I look up and there he is. Sitting on a bench surrounded by birds, watching me, smiling a little. "Hi, Van."

I can't stand to even look at him, his smile is so painful, I realize I'm already walking away. Walking and walking, I try to straighten my shoulders but I can't. I'm waiting, but I don't hear his voice or feel his touch, and I finally stop and look back and...he's still just sitting there. Watching me. He didn't follow me after all. "Ven," I say, even though I didn't want to say anything, but I can't help it. 'Ven...'

"...Do you not want to be with me?" he says, looking a little sad.

I can't answer. I can't say a thing. I want him so much, to talk to him, just to walk along for a while with him at my side so I finally won't be so alone, but...I can't say anything. I don't want to tell him how much I need him.

He knows anyway. I sense him standing beside me now.

"Ven." It's all I can say. I don't really tell people 'Thank you,' but I know he still knows.

He finally says gently, "So what have you been up to since I saw you last?"

My face gets hot and I can't look at him. I can't tell him what a complete screw-up I've been, that the life he sacrificed his own to save is so pathetic and worthless. I can't stand to see the disappointed look on his face, I'll die. ...If I'm not already dead. Why is he here, anyway? He's supposed to be dead.

"I never got to tell you some things," I say, looking at his feet. "That...I'm...sorry." I meant to say all the things I'm sorry for, but my throat is tight and I can't.

"I forgive you," he says, still in that gentle light voice, like me killing him was no big deal.

My hands curl into fists. "Shut up. And I wanted to thank you for-" No, he's not the one who put that tattoo on my shoulder. I did that myself. Daydreaming that he was protecting me, when really it was just me taking even more from him that I never repaid. I'm suddenly glad my sleeves are long enough to cover it; I don't want him to know about what I did to his Mark of Mastery after he died. "F-For...being there for me, when I was a kid. Being nice to me and helping me and putting up with me, even though you screwed up and got yourself killed like an idiot. And I wanted to...tell you that...I..." It's hard. So hard to say in words. I think of Speaking it at him, but I'd actually have to look in his eyes to do that, and I can't. "That I...miss you." I swallow. 'A lot.'

"I miss you, too, Van," he says softly.

Wait. Wait wait wait. "You're not here to take me, are you?!"

His fingertips brushing my face surprise me; I jump back before I realize it was harmless, but it's too late and he doesn't touch me again. "You're only dreaming, Van."

A dream...just a dream...I'm not dead yet. I don't want to die. I'm not gonna end up in the same place Ven is. I'm...scared. To die. I'd 'die' before admitting it, except it hits me just now that that's not true, I'd do anything to not die.

"There's nothing to fear here, Van. You're safe."

"Who cares! Stop going on about dumb stuff I don't care about!"

He chuckles a little. Why is he so casual? I'm the one freaking out. "What would you like to talk about, then?"

"...About how much I hate myself for what I did to you."

"Don't hate yourself." He sounds sad again. "Please."

"Don't tell me what to do!"

"Who is it you're going to listen to, then?"

"No one, okay? Me! I listen to me." Which is actually not what I want, because I get myself into so much trouble, but...there's no one else I can trust. "Ven?"

"Yes?"

"...Why'd you have to die?"

"I'm sorry for leaving you, Van. I shouldn't have dismissed what you said just because you were young."

It's hard to swallow. "Yeah..." So he wouldn't have done it, if he'd known. He'd have done exactly what I told him, and gone off and left me to die. Fine. I knew he'd do that. I knew it. I told him to do it. He'd rather save himself than me. I would, too, if I was him. I hate him. I don't want to see his face anymore; if this is a dream, I want to wake up. I'm so lonely out there and it hurts more there, but I can protect myself better than in here where I feel like I can't hide anything, like he knows everything I don't say. "I told you it was supposed to be me who's dead."

I start to turn away, but then I can't move when he says, "No. I wish I'd listened to you, Van. Then I would have known what I was getting into, instead of just walking into it blindly. Maybe I could have gotten you out of there, and still been able to stay with you until you didn't need me anymore."

"I'll always need you," I whisper before I can stop myself, and he's putting his arms around me and then I'm crying.

This sucks, I hate this, I hate this, but I can't stop making myself look like an idiot, like a freaking kid, but Ven just keeps holding me like he doesn't care that I'm messing up his shirt, and he's not all smug, either. He's just here. For me. Here for me like no one's ever been since Mom died. I finally give up fighting it, since I'm losing anyway, and just let myself cry. It's easier. 'I'd die for him,' I think, 'I'd do anything for him.' But...no...not anything. I'm still too scared to die. I'm still too scared of the old man. ...But if I could. I'd die for him, for Ven. He's done everything for me, and I haven't ever given him a single thing, and I hate myself more than ever.

Finally I can get my voice working enough to choke out, "I want Xion to meet you. She's everything to me, and you're- And...and I want her to meet you. But she never can, because of me. She never can..."

"It's all right, Van. She loves me, didn't you know?"

"Maybe..."

He has an affectionate smile on his face that makes my heart feel warm. It's...important to me, that he likes her, and that she'd like him. "She's never seen my face, yet she loves me as if I really were a father to her. She'll be all right, Van."

"..." It's not the same. And it's my fault. The only reason that my two most precious people can never meet is because I was a stupid kid who was too dumb to understand Ven, too dumb to see how important it was until it was too late.

"Van, please. Thinking about it this way is killing you. I chose to do what I did- Van, look at me. Look at me. I would do it again in a heartbeat."

"No, you wouldn't," I whisper, even as stupid hope is making my heart hurt, because I can't stand the thought of losing him again.

"I wish I'd been smarter about it, but it doesn't really matter how it would have turned out. I wouldn't have thought twice about helping you, no matter what the cost. Your grandfather could have done nothing to me I would care about; you're the one I'm still desperate to save. You still have a chance, Van."

What does he...mean...?

We're in a hospital. The fire alarm's going off. People are running around like crazy, screaming, but I can barely hear them; it's like the volume on a TV is turned way down low. Mostly what I hear is the blaring alarm.

"Van Kazé," Ven says quickly, "make me proud." I can hear him perfectly. Not with my ears, because of that freaking stupid alarm, but it's like I still know exactly what he's saying.

For just a second, I think of the old man. But no...it's TOTALLY different, the way they call me that. The old man thinks he owns my soul, thinks he can crush me into doing whatever he wants. Ven is trying to pull me out into the light - all of me, not just the little bit of myself I'm willing to risk. I don't want to go, I want to stay in here where it's comfortable and I'm used to it, but I know I should go. If I HAVE to obey one of them someday, it's Ven. Neither of them, for as long as I can; but when they're both calling my name and I have to move, I know which one I'll answer.

"Maybe. Someday."

"Van, it's important. More than you know."

"I'll think about it."

"You don't have forever to think."

"I'll THINK about it."

It's like he's being pulled away. He's still here, but his hands gripped in mine - it's like I can't hold onto him anymore, like he's turning into something I can't touch. "I love you," he says, with all his heart so that it surprises me

o.o.o

then I wake up and FREAKING STUPID ALARM CLOCK AAARRRGGGHHH, I slam a hand on the Snooze button and try to go back to sleep, but I can't. I want to break something. Ven was right there. The dream felt too real. "Gah, I hate this..."

It cheers me up, getting to see Xion later. Especially the way her eyes light up as she runs to me. "Vani!"

"Hey, sunshine." I hold her for a long time, thinking how real she is here in my arms. And how easily I could lose her.

"Axel, does he have to come?" Roxas complains.

"Any friend of Xion is a friend of ours," Axel says in this mocking tone.

I look at them, Shielding for once. Roxas is a brat, but he's still so small...he wouldn't have a chance against anyone who tried to hurt him. Well, half a chance; I know Axel and their aunts and uncles have been teaching him some stuff. But...I dunno...I was way more of a brat than he is. Someone thought I was still worth fighting for. Worth dying for. ...Someone who happened to look a lot like Roxas. Seeing Roxas so soon after that freaking dream, his clear blue eyes without a shred of darkness in them, it makes my heart hurt a little...

"Vani is our cousin," Xion is saying in puzzlement.

"It's an expression, Xion," Saïx drones. "It simply means that the speaker is willing to ally with the friend of a friend, without requiring firsthand demonstration of their beneficial qualities. It can mean any acquaintance, the word 'friend' isn't necessarily literal."

"Uhh...okay," she says, obviously having no clue what he's talking about. Whatever.

"Let's just get going already," says Axel. He's got a hand on Roxas's shoulder and has moved more in front of him, like he's shielding him from me with his body. Roxas is standing there with him, so trustful, like it wouldn't even occur to him that Axel could ever hurt or betray him. It kind of makes me wish I could've trusted his dad like that.

"...Do you guys really not want me to come?" Usually, I wouldn't care. Usually, I'd just spend every second with Xion, enjoying it as much as I can before they drag her away from me again, but...I don't know. Something about that dream... It makes me feel heavy, the thought of spending the entire afternoon with one person I love and three people who hate me.

They're staring. "Uh...not particularly, but since when have you cared?" Axel finally says.

"I don't," I say, as sulkily as I can. "I'm just gonna have fun messing up the whole thing for you, as usual."

Xion is watching my Speech, looking distressed. It's hard, letting her see everything while simultaneously Shielding from the others, but I've gotten used to it. "Why did you say one thing but really mean the opposite?"

Don't Shield, don't Shield, don't Shield. Not from her, Van. Never from her. "I'm just having a bad day, okay, Xion?"

"You're always having a bad day," Axel snorts.

"Axel, don't be mean," Xion says. "Someone's been too mean to Vani already, he's all bleeding inside."

"No, I'm not," I mumble.

"He's not bleeding," Roxas says. "He just wants to be greedy and hog you all to himself and not share so that we can't have fun together."

I pull her close again and hug her tighter. I do hog her. But so do they. They get her ALL THE TIME, whenever they want, but I have to fight for every second.

"I don't wanna go," Xion suddenly says. "I wanna stay home and watch My Little Pony with Vani."

"No," I mumble. "Go have fun with everyone." I'll just hang out with Larxene or something, so I won't have to sit there and watch the time go by as I'm not being with Xion.

"What is wrong with you today?!" Axel exclaims. "You're, like, being nice! Kind of."

"He woke up on the wrong side of the bed," Roxas says. I swear, that kid is so stupid.

"Roxas is not stupid," Xion says.

I get sick of Saïx spewing shock confusion perplexity frustration resentment at me like an idiot, so I finally stand up and doomgaze annoyance at him. Maybe I can give him a hint. Just a little one. He'll probably be too dumb to connect the dots, but it's just painful how clueless he still is. Like, it's not even funny anymore, I want to claw his eyes out sometimes, it's so freaking annoying. "Think [. . .]," I say. That's how babies do it, anyway. I can't even explain how I do it now, I'd have to Speak it, and he'd be too stupid to understand anyway.

"What?"

See? Stupid. [. . .]

"Thiiiiiink," I say, real slow and loud because he's obviously too dumb to understand even regular speech, "[. . .]-"

"I heard you, I just have no idea what you're talking about."

"Ugh, forget it."

"Is that how you Shield?" Axel says suddenly.

"Wow, Axel. Maybe you're only seven-eighths as dumb as I thought."

"Careful, Van, I think you just complimented me."

"Are we gonna go, or not?" Roxas complains.

Xion takes my hand. "If we're gonna go, we're all gonna go together, right?"

I squeeze her hand and don't say anything.

"Yeah," Axel says. This time, I'm the one looking at him in surprise. "Because what's a fun day at the beach without good old Van, huh?"

"Craptastic, that's what it'd be," I say. Kind of out of obligation, since I'm actually...grateful.

Axel laughs. And it doesn't sound sarcastic at all. "You're so full of yourself."

"You're one to talk."

"Yeah. Come on; Van, you get the beach bag with the giant yellow sunflower on it, and let's get going!"

Maybe it's their day to be nicer, too, since none of them makes a big deal out of the fact that I did as I was told without bothering to protest.

o.o.o

Author's Notes: While playing around with ideas to commission FermonsNosYeux with, the one I eventually decided on was a Stepsibs VenVan. After placing the commission, the idea started getting really insistent and then started to write itself in my head while I was running late for work, ugh. So I started scribbling it out at work and typed the rest just now, and here it is. *sweatdrop*

I swear to you, the "seven-eighths" thing was not intentional, it would have been like that anyway. But then I looked at what I'd just typed and was like: XD

What Van can do with the Speech, that "selective Shield" thing? That's an example of why he's considered a prodigy. XD As far as I know at the moment, Xig can't do it well enough to be effective, and Xem can only do it for a very limited time; Ansem & Xehanort can do it, though not quite as well as Van unless the situation is urgent. (And Saïx is such an utter fail at this point that he barely even counts. XD)

Btw, the VenVan in this is ENTIRELY platonic - I have absolutely no patience for stuff like yaoi-squee over the merest hint of two males showing affection for each other (unless that was the original intent, which it usually isn't). Ven & Van's relationship in this series is like that of a father and son; Ven died when Van was still a child. If you think this story is giving off yaoi vibes anyway, just keep in mind that romance/sex is not the only kind of love, and you can love/need/want someone without any desire to jump into their pants; that the two characters are alone together and therefore Van has fewer inhibitions about expressing his feelings; it's a dream (and NOT one of 'those' kind of dreams, get your mind out of the gutter -.-) where Van's defensive layers are more muted; and someone who's dead like Ven would have an entirely different perspective on things than someone who's alive. Just let this relationship be what it is and don't try to cheapen it with wishful thinking. X(