S & C 8
Cole leaned against the window frame of his office watching the Sikorsky drone heavily away from the hospital carrying his patient. The smaller framed Life Flight Dauphin watches his father until just a speck in the distance. Maybe he's being a wimp, but he just doesn't know what to do any more.
Shockwave's outburst at Puncture seared his spark as well. Now he understood even more why Shockwave was so crushed that first night. He didn't just lose Megatron, he lost a new planned hope. Worse, Puncture had spit on the only thing Shockwave ever wanted in his life: Megatron's sparkling. Not his own; Megatron's. That last fight with Puncture had been like watching a patient rip open a carefully welded wound hoping to bleed to death.
Two things hurt: One, whatever he and Shockwave had shared was nothing but a placebo by Shockwave. Two, everything he and Shockwave had shared was cast away by Cole's own fears of a new relationship. Either way, whatever they had was wounded if not destroyed.
A third thought crashed into him: (a white fist bashes against the wall), yes, he is jealous of a ghost. Shockwave at least was bonded, while he never had been. NO! That's not fair to Karmashock. Once more Cole kicks himself and scrubs his haggard face filled with a cauldron of boiling emotions. "This is stupid! I have no time for this!"
His own healing wound over Karmashock's death has been torn open and acid poured into it as Shockwave wished to die.
Parts of younger mech are numb. Parts of him are screaming in pain. Parts of him are lusting for Shockwave's arms. Parts of him are crying for Karmashock's. Parts of him are angry with Megatron, parts of him are angry with himself for being angry at the dead hero tank. It's like someone has taken the whole thesaurus of emotions, dumped them in a shredder and then shoved them into his chest. He can't define them, separate them or even think clearly at times. He wants Shockwave but he doesn't. He wants himself back, but then can't stand … to feel. It hurts being numb. It's killing him to be in love with a ghost and one who still love his dead mate.
With a kick to the wall, shoves away from the window and heads back to the Intensive Care Ward of his rein. At least now when he makes his rounds he doesn't have to avoid Shockwave's room. That golden optic following him from his med-berth as the red one strode by the glassed window and tried not to turn while his spark beat the shit out of him for ignoring the aching lonely one.
Cole knew it would be all too easy to go to him and slip in where he doesn't belong. Maybe he didn't belong within Shockwave's life. Maybe he doesn't want Shockwave in his. It hurts too much to think of falling in love again.
Maybe that first night with Shockwave had been a huge mistake.
With Shockwave out of the hospital, he can take himself off the extended on-call flight lists. For he knows the exhaustion is not helping his tumbling emotions. With Shockwave out of the hospital and recuperating at in his parent's home, he can take refuge here.
So he thought. By the end of the week, a knock comes to his office door. "I'm busy." He tries to shove his father away again.
The door is overridden and pushed open. The red medic who enters is not whom he expected, "Busy, good." Cole looks up to the weathered older veteran medic as he boldly steps in, closing and locking the door behind himself.
There is a mug and a small sealed vial he sets onto the top of Cole's files before heading over to the couch. Ratchet stalls taking note of the five worn white coats tossed into the corner of the room and then the pillow and hospital blanket on the couch.
While Ratchet folds up the blanket, Cole picks up the vial. He knows it is sealed never to be opened. Much like when a sparkling has something removed that a parent wants to keep as a memento. This one is black on top and bottom, not to be looked at either. He is curious but sets it aside picking up the mineral-boosted Energon. Ratchet's special blend for doctors on his naughty over-worked list. Cole knows better than to ignore it and takes a large swallow. The stuff is hideous for the palate but good for the body.
The desk jiggles as the battered and weathered pedes of the old Praxian kick up to the lip of the desk. "Been home yet?"
Cole looks down to his desk, "I have stuff to do."
"Cut the bullshit, Cole. I'm three times older than you and served in a war and battle politicians before you were even sparked so if you think you can pull the fleece over my optics, try again."
To counter that, Cole picks up the black container, "What's this?"
Ratchet takes a swallow from his own mug, "Not how it works, Flyboy, now answer the question: When were you last home?"
Cole's no idiot, Ratchet wants to know if he has seen Shockwave. "I called, he was sleeping."
The older helm cants, "And?"
Cole shrugs and turns back to his work, "I got busy."
"I can have your license pulled. I have ways put you on suspension. I can clip your tail feathers."
Cole glares at him peeved that he would dare interfere, "Do it. I'll just go off world." Ratchet holds his green glare in a staring contest. The older one has played this game with many verses the younger one is pretty serious in his resolve.
Finally Ratchet pushes, "Explain that to your parents."
Cole purses his lips and clenches down on his spark, "I'm a grown mech, I can do as I please."
Ratchet drops the pedes to lean forward, "Really, because you certainly are acting like a coward."
Cole turns away from the one who has served, saved and lost so many already. He picks up the vial again trying to imagine what the respected doctor brought him while swallowing down the still jumbling emotions. "Maybe I am."
"Cole, he needs you. I don't know what is going on between you two, but from what I heard, he was looking better and moving forward with life when you two started spending time together. I know I'm not Karmashock, but I could find someone else if you want-"
"Please just leave me alone," he hands the vial back to the doctor not wanting anything he is offering.
Ratchet takes the white palm and slaps the vial back into it, "Put that with Megatron's remains."
Cole stares at the vial and sinks. Oh Primus not again. "no…." His chest pain is for Shockwave. Just as his worry had been for Karmashock when Violex was injured.
Ratchet leans forward and grips his own chevron. "He doesn't know. He doesn't need to know. Hell, he probably already knew! It doesn't matter, what's done is done."
Cole stares at the vial. "Still after a couple of lunar cycles there was…remains?"
"Megatron was a tenacious jealous bastard, you don't seriously think that his DNA-spawn will let go of anything he cared for so easily? No. It's probably part of what caused Shockwave's spark-attack along with the emotional backwash. Whoever the butcher was that handled the first D & C really did a number on Shockwave's gestational receptors. He's lucky he got any kind of a connection a second time and yes, it was just the beginning, but still, it was enough to …" Ratchet is pretty torn up himself. "Shit they didn't deserve this." He looks back up to Cole, "Nor did you two."
Cole is starting to put some of it together and yet grateful that Ratchet is acknowledging his own loss. He shakes the container lightly. It rattles. Rattles?
Ratchet lifts his head full of sorrow. "The receptors were just so damaged with corrosion that they were actually … killing him. It was causing his spark to misfire and the pulses weren't doing their job properly."
He did notice at certain times of Shockwave's excitement he would cringe but he never said anything. Cole swallows hard looking into the vial. Shockwave will never be able to carry a sparkling again with all the receptors removed. "D-does he know?"
Ratchet nods, "Of course." Now the real reason for the visit comes out, "Cole, he really needs a friend right now. You're the closest thing he's got."
The younger medic sets the vial aside and then turns back to his notes, "I'm not good company right now."
"Like he is? He's alone, again." Ratchet leans up and into Cole's face, "You have no idea what the solitude of holding Cybertron safe for Megatron did to him. The mech nearly went insane. It's probably what started the damage to his spark chamber."
Cole's chest begins to cringe, "Please Ratchet, don't ask me to do this."
Ratchet grabs the little one's chin and jerks it, "Now you listen to ME. That mech has done more for this planet and that single mech than two Armies EVER could! I wish I could order you to take care of him, but I can't. I -I…can't..."
The old mech's chin wobbles and tries once more, "I can't watch him slowly wither away after everything he has done good for this place. He may be just a half-droid who will out live all of us but damn-it, shouldn't they be good vorns?"
Cole's spark sinks watching those weathered old optics plead with him. Clearly there is something deeper going on with Ratchet. The hand loosens and the younger medic pulls back silently asking for more information. "As much as I can take credit for Megatron's physical surgery, it was Shockwave and Karmashock that really healed that mech. As much as I hated the war, in a way Megatron had a point to it." He bonks a fist to the couch arm rest, "I know Shockwave isn't Megatron, but I really do have a great respect for him. He did a lot of good for Cybertron and it would be a great loss to Her and unfair to both of them for him to give up now."
Cole takes a deep breath getting a better understanding for the medic who actually repaired his own soldiers from Shockwave and Megatron's ordered strikes. Already Cole had a respect for Ratchet, considering their field of practice, but for the old mech to see past war-titles (where many still can't) it makes him even more humble. So he chooses his words carefully and softly, "Ratchet, I'm afraid I might do more damage than good right now."
"What do you mean by that?" Ratchet is no old fool, there is a huge reason Cole is refusing to see Shockwave.
The white exasperated hand slaps to the desktop and turns a shaking look back, "If you haven't noticed, I'm a little messed up myself and the last thing he needs right now is another messed up mech in his life. One was enough, he deserves better."
Ratchet blinks and more or less orders him to go on.
"You tell me how I should react when someone I was really starting to care quite deeply about just up and says they would rather die and be with their past love than…."
That does make the more experienced mech sink back to the couch and Cole looks away only to have his optics fall on the vial. He picks it up and soothes it. "I know he has only ever been in love with Megatron and what they shared was pretty deep and intensely passionate. I can not compete with that."
"Cole, what you had with Karmashock was pretty special too, don't forget that."
The green optics turn to the blue ones. "Puncture told Shockwave they should have taken it as a sign from Primus to never propagate. How many broken relationships do I need to have to hear Primus telling me I should always be alone?" His hand closes around the vial as he stands. "Excuse me, I have rounds to make."
Ratchet's hand snags out and catches the wrist, "Have you even talked?"
"We talked and drank ourselves right into a berth together," he shamefully admits. "You and I both know that doesn't make a solid relationship."
The hand doesn't let go although he is surprised, "That's not what I asked. I asked, have you talked. More specifically about IT."
"What do you want me to say to him?! 'Your bondmate was a real hero! He killed the love of my life trying to save him and I'm pissed at him for that!' How do you think Shockwave is going to feel about that?"
"Damn-it Cole, he KNOWS. How do you think he feels?"
"Ratchet, I don't even know how I feel right now. I can't decided if I'm still in love with Karma and using Shockwave or if I really have deep feelings for him. I really don't have time to figure out his own emotions let alone how angry he is with Puncture's arrogance and now this!" he shakes the vial.
"Cole, he can still seed a sparkling. His transmitting rods are fine, just the receptors were fried and removed," he pushes out hope.
Cole brings both fist to his temple and growls, "Stop it Ratchet, just stop it! Don't throw that at me, too." Before Ratchet can say another word, Cole is out the door and pacing his halls.
It finally hits that he needs to take a real break when a nurse double checks his order where he marked 28 rather than 2.8 for the phosphorus drip… for the second time today. He hands her the pen, and turns aside. Dropping by the nurse's station, he moves his magnet to the out box for the first time in over a week. A mixture of smiles and sighs of relief watch him take the roof top exit. From there he flips to his alt-mode and flies back home.
Inside the stale smelling building, he tears off his armor leaving it a messy trail before sliding into his hot water shower. At that point he sinks to the floor bowed over. He lets the water beat into a rotor that once had lilac tips digging into it to make him moan out the sweetest elite mech's name in all of Cybertron. Before that, it had been touched by the most endearing white tips of a devoted and delightfully-fun loving mech. The best mech he ever had in his life…. And will never see again. He's too tired and tired of crying. Instead he just lays there and pounds his fist into the puddles hoping the pain in his fist will over ride the one in his spark and head.
He knows he needs to see Shockwave and figure out what they will do, because he can't live in this unknowing turbulence of emotions any more. Time to face the music, but just not tonight.
When the water runs cold, even though he used no soap, he reaches up and slaps it off. Grabbing his robe, wraps it around himself and drags himself into his berth top. Too tired to even pull the coverings aside, he just lays there. From there, slips into a stasis so deep, it could almost be considered a coma.
All this time Cole has been sequestering himself behind other patients, medical journals, and reasons to fly anywhere but near his parent's estate; a healing blue spark found itself treasured away. A guilded cage.
Wolfgang brought him softly back to his own loving home and with aid of his ground's keeper, up to a second story guest room. Unfortunately for Shockwave, the primary view from his room was towards another house on the property. A home he had been in just recently. A home that he knows is empty right now.
Carefully Shockwave rolls to his side so that he is looking at a blank wall rather than Cole's home. This is a beautiful manor to which he has been brought into to recuperate, it's just sad that Cole won't speak to him.
The genius doesn't have much to do right now while following Dr. Ratchet and Dr. Wolfgang's orders to take it easy while his spark learns to recalibrate it's firings. It won't be long and he can get the monitor off, but until then, he can't get upset and trigger their response.
Both Vicky and the staff give the private mech his peace but also make sure he is eating his meals and try to bring him stimulating conversation and news, but they all know:
Shockwave and Cole need each other. Shockwave's just too much of a gentlemech to ask for him and Cole is busy at work.
With a huffing sigh, Shockwave knows that isn't really the case. Cole is hiding behind his work. It doesn't take a genius to know that (having done himself a time or two) but still it bugs Shockwave to no end as to why Cole won't even call him on the phone after he's been here for nearly a week. What has happened to them?
Olga comes to the kitchen with the nearly untouched tray and sighs sadly. Vicky is starting her preparations for dinner when the sad house keeper arrive.
"Lady Vicky, he just won't touch his meals anymore. I'm getting worried about him. He won't speak any more either. He just sits there on the balcony and stares off to the south. He doesn't look anywhere else. I think we're losing him again. What are we going to do?"
Pondering, she hears a familiar thumping sound in the air up above. Her son is finally coming home after nearly week in his self made seclusion. The Lady of the Manor smiles boldly, "Time to call out the big guns. Go get your mate, Olga."
~~8~~
Cole's not sure how long he slept, but a light knock at the back door brings him around. "Dr. Cole?"
Maxwell, the grounds keeper, is softly calling. Cole slides out of the berth and groggily heads to the door tightening his robe. It's not like Maxwell hasn't seen him in less, after all, the mech was here before he was born. He used to run around the back yard through the sprinklers with Maxwell's own sparklings.
With a flick, the door is opened with a yawn, "Hello, Maxwell."
The dark mech flushes, "I'm sorry to disturb you, but Lady Vicky ordered me to."
Cole rests his groggy head against the door frame and sighs just as heavily. Maxwell and his mate Olga (main house keeper) call her Lady Vicky out of respect not out of force. When the last war started, Wolfgang and Victrola -owners of a much large piece of property than what they currently have- gathered as many sparklings as they could. Like a Lord and Lady Knights of the past, they felt it their duty to protect the residents of this area of land. Yes they still worked at the hospital as neutrals, but they relinquished much property as payment in order to hold this as a sanctuary. Therefore, both armies tried their best to leave this place off limits in their scuffles and battles.
Thus after the war ended, the new counsel let them retain their family plot, albeit much smaller. Still the couple is quiet wealthy but don't over flaunt it nor do they hide it. They are highly respected members of both the social and the religious community and their own staff.
"What does she want this time?" Cole's optics sink closed. It's not a true gruff to his mother just that he wants to curl back up into his berth and decompose.
"It's almost sun down and you know how Lady Vicky is about the Sabbath."
Cole grimaces, shit is it really that day of the cyber week already? "Yes, I know." His mother forbids any of the staff to work after sundown to sunrise of the allotted Holy Day of Rest. She even fired one maid for working over time! She will not have Primus on her conscience for that!
Maxwell takes a deep sigh, "She asks that you come help with Mr. Shockwave at the main house. He's in the hot tub right now and …"
Cole raises his hand cutting him off. Yeah, the son can feel his mother's sly set up to getting the two mechs talking to each other again. "I knew I shouldn't have left the hospital."
Maxwell's shoulders fall. "Dr. Cole, it's not just your parents that worry about you. Olga and I are concerned as well. You haven't even touched Olga's baklava she made just for you." He flicks a finger to kitchen island and the beautiful sweets artfully hand made just for him.
Pressing his forehelm to the frame, the helm curls and looks. Damn, those are delicious. Olga's baklava are to die for. "Please give her my apologies."
Maxwell is careful with his words, but states, "Maybe you can tell her yourself when you relieve her from Mr. Shockwave's side so I can take her home."
Cole slumps again, "Of course. I'll be there in a moment." As much as he does not want to see Shockwave, he owes it to this couple to have a day off and his sneaky devious mother KNOWS it. Damn, that femme could have been a first class Decepticon sly operator. Hell, she probably was!
"One more thing, Lady Vicky said to wear your trunks."
Medic's cross still pressed to the door frame, Cole turns his narrowing optics to the grounds keeper. Innocently the mech raises his hands, "Don't kill the messenger."
"Does the Hippocratic oath apply to parents?" He grouses. No he would never actually hurt his mother but she does just knows how to get under his armor. Telling him to wear his swim wear so he can relax with Shockwave in the hot tub is going just a bit too far.
"Cole, she is already hurting," Maxwell does lay a hand on the young mech's shoulder. After all he was the one to bandage Cole's knee when he scrapped it all up trying to climb a wall when he was six.
The pristine hand lays over the worn hard one. "Go take your mate home, I'm on my way."
Armored up, minus the blades, plus the baklava in hand, Cole makes his way across the path to the main house. One doesn't want to sit in a pool of revitalizing liquid minerals in their main armor yet wants to remain decent, therefore a Cybertronians would cover themselves in something different thus leaving the true armor dry for afterwards. Still, it's hard enough that he needs to face the honorable purple mech let alone with both of them nearly naked?
Healing or not, that violet snowy mech has a gorgeous form. The younger one looks down at himself; he unfortunately has a bit of his father's pudg and not so taught-toned body. Short like his mother doesn't help much either. He's not really ready to expose himself again to Shockwave physically or his frazzled emotions.
Still, defying his mother's request is a stupid idea any day of the week, twice over on this night. With a deep sigh, he looks to iron gate near the kitchen entry. He can hear the soft hum of the motor making bubbles in the hot tub even though he can't see the mech in it.
"Cole-dear, is that you?"
Yes she know it is, calling just loud enough for the soaking mech to know as well. Cole purses his lips and pushes the door open. He does not hate her, he never could, so he leans over gives her a kiss on the cheek as she cuts the crust off the last two sandwiches on a tray. He pulls back and she plunks the craft of juice down between the crystal and china.
"Nurse's orders, both of you WILL eat this all, do you hear me?" The tray has enough food on it to feed a division of medics.
"Yes, Ma'am," is all he answers adding Olga's gift and pick up the tray.
Before he can pull away though, she grabs both of his cheeks and looks deep into his dark optics. "I worry about you."
"I know, Mom, I'm sorry."
She stokes the dark circles under his optics, "I want you happy again." To that he can only nod and head to the pool side.
It takes him a moment to get the gate open, but he manages and then closes it, setting the tray to the table beside a chair holding a fluffy purple robe. Olga has already left, making sure to have and extra towel ready for Cole.
Cole pours two crystal tumblers with mineral filled Energon and steps out to the hot tub edge. Shockwave is taken back seeing Cole extending a tumbler.
"Mothers…," Cole whispers shaking his head as Shockwave takes the tumbler.
Shockwave tips his tumbler back clinking to Cole's, "To mothers and their worries."
Cole can't drink though. Right before him is a surgically bruised chest of a damaged spark chamber that lost it's carrying ability and more. Shockwave lost his chance at motherhood. Once more a reminder…
"Shit, I shouldn't be here," he slams his tumbler down on the bench and turns only to be caught by a fierce wet grip. It's a lot stronger than he thought possible, still with a twist of his wrist, he's out of the slick palm.
"Cole!" Shockwave calls, the dry one stops but doesn't turn. "Talk to me, please?"
"What are we doing?" Cole mutters.
"Will you at least look at me?" the question comes out like a half order-half plea. Slowly Cole does turns and looks at the beaten one. As much turmoil and grief Shockwave has been through, its Cole's face that seems to bear it.
"I think I'm in love with you but I can't tell and it hurts…a lot."
Instead of being shocked, embarrassed or even angry, Shockwave extends his hand again. "Please, sit with me. I really think we need to talk."
Cole steps back and sits on the bench out of his reach, Shockwave's antenna frown. "I can see your trunks hanging out of your armor, won't you join me?"
The younger mech takes a deep breath and figures it's time to be honest, "Shockwave, you are very attractive, you know that?"
The cheeks turn darker, "You're not half bad yourself, Cole." Now it's the other cheeks that darken. Shockwave inches his finger out again asking Cole to join him. "I don't do spoiled lavishness alone, alright? I'll get out if I have to, but it's really comfortable in here."
Cole nods into the soft request and begins to pull away his armor, "You know I could just shove you under and that could solve all my problems."
Shockwave chuckles, "Oh? And how would you explain that to your mother whilst you were on night watch?"
Cole throws the last piece down and scowls at the house guest, "Do you have an answer for everything, genius?"
"No." Shockwave waits until the checkered fabric is sunk in the hot liquid before responding, "Like why are you avoiding me?"
Cole sits down and folds his knees up to his chest. Where to start? Where to end? The hot water is so soothing that even though he is tucked up, he feels his muscles unwinding to the point that it just slips out, "I'm really mad at Megatron."
Shockwave slumps back against the rim of the tub with a thump. His head clunks back against the rim so his face is looking at the sky and his arms fully extend along two sides of the stone tub. "Thank Primus!"
"Excuse me?" The shocked green optics stare at the reclined widower.
Shockwave rolls his head languidly from side to side, "I'm so pissed at him, too." Cole says nothing just to agape to move. After that passionate speech he gave Puncture, he just can not believe Shockwave is mad at Megatron.
The purple helm rises a bit, "Oh please, like you aren't just a little bit ticked at Karmashock's honor and self sacrificing personality leaving you in this agony?"
A small smile starts to come out, "Well… I hadn't quite thought about it that way, but now that you mention it, yeah maybe….a little."
A lilac hand slips under the water and reaches over to grasp the white one to lend his support this time. "I think it's time we had it out."
