You have a kind of sick desperation in your laugh.

Fight Club, Movie


If you're still alive, my regrets are few.

If my life is mine, what shouldn't I do?
I get wherever I'm going, I get whatever I need,
While my blood's still flowing, and my heart's still
Beating like a hammer, beating like a hammer.

Help I'm Alive by Metric


The first time I woke up, a quick peek under my fluttering eyelids towards my alarm clock told me that it was no later than four in the morning. I quickly realized that the reason I had awoken was due to the pale, long fingers lightly tracing my face; my jaw, my cheekbones, my nose, my lips, my eyelids, my brow. Even in my unconscious state, my body had been aware of him - beating slightly firmer than it should've under the given circumstances. I could feel his face pressed into my neck, and his lips were moving, mumbling something unintelligible currently. I quickly shut my eyes again, hoping he would speak up. Lying with my back against his chest, there were good chances he didn't know I was awake.

And he didn't need to know, if my body behaved. I was still in the heavy, laden phase of stirring from sleep. As awake as I believed myself to be, I knew I would remember it later and realize how sluggish and out of it I truly was.

The back of his fingers wasped down my jaw, coming to nimbly cup my chin. His arm slid sinuously over mine whenever he moved his hand.

"Why you?" I eventually heard him murmur against my skin. His nose lightly skimmed from the base of my neck to my shoulder. "Why me? I don't know…" He sighed, as if in defeat, and fell silent, his hand finally sliding down my body to rest on my stomach. I barely, barely restrained a quiver. I had become a bit more accustomed over the hours, but contact was something I could probably never regard carelessly or unappreciatively again.

I waited just a little bit longer, curious if he would start up the muttering again, but he seemed to be finished. Under the pretense of sleep, I rolled over in his arms, snuggling blissfully into his chest even as my mind replayed his words over and over again.

He'd tensed for a brief moment when I moved, but quickly relaxed, stroking my hair as he tucked my head underneath his chin. My skin was getting that pleasant tingly-hot sensation again.

Why you? Why me? I don't know. Those words played behind my eyelids like a show, intermingled with images of lips, Edward's lips, hair, glowing eyes, crooked smile, strong jaw, shoulders, chest. And his hands, Edward's hands and gentle words that wrapped me in physical and incorporeal comfort, taking care of me, understanding.

I'm not sure when my recent memories became my dreams, but I eventually realized that I'd fallen asleep again without realizing it. Huh. I never thought it'd be that easy. I was way too comfortable with a man whose secrets he would probably never reveal. To me.

~*~

The next time I awoke, my alarm was going off. My eyes popped open, shocked. This was new. I always woke up before my alarm ever had the chance. Before I could do anything, a pallid, muscularly toned chest was rippling before my eyes, leaning forward and pressing against my face, my body, as he shifted to reach over me and turn the bringing off.

When he leaned back, our eyes met for the first time. My hand, of its own accord, raised to brush stray locks of bronze hair out of his eyes and remained buried there, wrapping pieces around my fingers. I gulped, but I'd gotten hours to get used to being touched last night, and touching. As there hadn't been a lapse in it, I was still desensitized, so to speak. After he left, I'd probably have to start over again. Though hopefully not from scratch this time. Scratch took way too long. I blushed in humiliation, wondering what he must have thought about last night. Even though he hadn't let it show, I knew it had to have been frustrating and ultimately unfulfilling.

I didn't see that in his eyes when he smiled down at me though. His own hand brushed hair off of my shoulder, his fingers toying with my bra strap. "Good morning kitten," he murmured in that deep voice of his. That - kitten - was something he'd taken to calling me in the midst of last night. I was too embarrassed and almost scared to ask why. Though, admittedly… I really liked it. "How are you?"

"I don't think I'm going to hyperventilate again," I muttered back, blushing. "For now, anyway."

He smiled wryly, his eyes light. "I'll be careful in the future then," he promised, lying back down, his head nestled in one of his bent arms. The other one trailed down to my bare waist and pulled me to him. "This isn't too much?" he confirmed.

I shook my head, swallowing down a lump. "No. I think I'm used to this much now."

"I'm glad. I think I am too." He rubbed my skin with his thumb. I closed my eyes, inhaling deeply, taking his scent inside me. It was so intoxicating, too much so, even. Leaning forward, I placed a tentative kiss on his chest, keeping my nose there and humming contently. His hand slipped under the back of my bra, rubbing the skin there with tight circles.

"Don't you have to go to class?" Edward finally asked, sounding very vexed by the idea. But I'd already made up my mind last night that all my plans for today - aka, my one class - were officially out the window. I'd just ask Angela for the notes later.

"No," I told him. "I'm playing hooky. I only have one class anyway. Easily made up."

His hand's movements ceased. "If you have class…" he said, warning edge to his voice.

"Oh bugger off," I mumbled sleepily. "You're not my parents. What about you? Don't you have class?"

"No."

"Then it's settled." I yawned. "I'm still a bit tired - I don't normally sleep well." I looked up at him. "Do you mind staying for a while longer?"

"I don't exactly have plans of leaving yet," he murmured.

My mouth quirked up on the side. "Lucky me," I sighed happily. Closing my eyes, I slid my hands down both of his arms, finding his wrists and gently dragging them around my body to hold me. Edward seemed to catch the drift, and held me in a firm embrace against him. My skin flushed hotly, my heart raced. But I was more used to it than ever before, and therefore better controlled. I could focus more on the pleasure of this simple embrace, rather than my body's own interruptions.

"Well, if you're going to break the rules, you might as well make the most of it," he muttered, though more to himself than me I think. He sighed. "Sleep well kitten." His fingers brushed the circles under my eyes. "You deserve it."

My throat tightened, and I kept my eyes firmly shut. No one had ever said that to me before. I wasn't sure how to respond, so I didn't at all.

I never actually fell back asleep, but I did doze and rest more thoroughly than I had in a very long time, so that when I fully awoke a couple hours later, I felt completely refreshed. I rolled over onto my back and arched, stretching my back and groaning. I held it for a few seconds, relishing the feeling of coiling and consecutively unwinding in my muscles. Letting my stretched arms fall back onto the bed I quickly realized what was missing - besides my shirt.

"Edward?" I asked blearily, blinking. I felt a sort of dull panic bubble up. Oh, he really had left, hadn't he? I should've known.

"Here," came his voice softly, off to my right. I looked around quickly, and he was sitting in my computer chair, watching me and still miraculously, beautifully shirtless.

"Sorry," he murmured, lips lifting on one corner. "I thought you'd be more comfortable with room to stretch out."

"I'm comfortable with you," I said firmly. I didn't even feel too shy about it. I'd never felt more vulnerable than I had last night, with him so close that I could hide absolutely nothing, and he'd done nothing but be sweet and kind. My feelings for him slipped deeper and I was aware of it, and also aware that I didn't mind.

He smiled a strange grin, something that bordered on joyous and dismal. His eyes were alive, a jungle teeming with frantic movement. Perhaps a storm was coming.

Edward moved then with a slow yet fluid grace, perching himself on the edge of my bed, next to me. His hand lifted and gently settled over my thudding heart, fingers brushing my collarbones, palm pressing against the exposed portion of my breast. I closed my eyes, biting my lip as I felt the sparks.

"Does your heart pound because of me," he asked quietly, "or because you're not used to this?"

I sucked in a breath, resting my fingers lightly on his wrist, and the back of his hand. "I thought it would've just been the latter, before, but I'm starting to think it's both," I confessed. I tried sliding his hand down to cup my chest, wanting to feel that glorious sensation again, but he took his hand away.

He looked down at his watch, a strong, silver number that looked a little wear-worn, but still obviously expensive and cared for. I leaned forward a bit to read the time, but he tilted his wrist so it faced him only. "They'll be wondering where I am," Edward commented, referring to his room mates, and reached down to the floor to retrieve his shirt, sliding it back on. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. Covering up his chest was like watching the sun retreat behind the clouds. The room seemed a little dimmer for it.

I decided I might as well follow his lead, feeling silly being the only one shirtless, and pulled my discarded blouse back on.

I couldn't help the sinking feeling in my gut as I watched him lace up his shoes and stand, preparing to leave.

"I'm sorry," I suddenly blurted out, standing from the bed. We were on opposite sides of it, and I found that rather fitting for the moment. Separation was heavy in the air.

He looked confused, his heavy brows drawn together. Back again was that expression of perplexity. "What for?" he asked incredulously.

I chewed on the tip of my nail for a minute, holding my arm. An idiosyncratic habit. I looked down at the floor, my courage failing me. "You know for…everything, for last night," I mumbled. "I mean, I know I was really frustrating, and it didn't really go as far as you probably hoped, and I had actually planned on going…farther, and I'm sorry I just couldn't…handle it. And for freaking out on you so much. You were really nice and - and great and I appreciate it, but I can't imagine it was all that fun for y - "

I felt my chin being yanked up then to stare into his stern face. I hadn't even realized he'd moved.

His lips descended upon mine, softly, deeply. My mouth trembled as I tried to hold back my moans. I could control myself. I would. My hands clenched into rigid fists. I wasn't going to hyperventilate, I wasn't going to require that he give me moments to stop and pull myself together, and I most certainly wasn't going to cry again. I had done all those things last night and my mortification now ran deep.

"I don't know," he started when he pulled away, his voice dangerously muted, "what I did to make you believe that it was anything less than one of the best experiences I've ever had, and for that I apologize - "

I interrupted him, my face ten kinds of red, unable to accept his pity-lie about being one of his best experiences. "But we didn't really do anything!" I exploded. "I mean, all we did was kiss and do a little bit of touching - !"

His long, tapered finger across my lips was all it took to make me shut up at once, my breath catching. "It wasn't. Just a little. To me."

And there was no way I couldn't believe him when he said it like that.

I exhaled slowly. "And you know it wasn't for me either," I commented quietly.

"Yes," he agreed. He took a step back, heading for the door. "Are you still spending the night tomorrow?"

"Wha - ?" It took me a second to remember what he was talking about. Alice's house. Spending the night. At Alice's house - where he also lived. Right. "Oh, yes. Definitely."

"I'll see you there then…kitten." And with one last private smile in my direction, he had disappeared out the door, quiet and graceful as a shadow.

I had to sit down on my bed for a few minutes to clear my head and take stock of my bearings, for I had, for a moment, somehow forgotten how to breathe, and was much less able of even recalling my own name.

I put my head in my hands, and forced myself to think things over.

Last night definitely hadn't gone as I had hoped it to. When I asked Edward to do something impulsive with me, I was thinking of going all the way, of course. But as it turned out, my body just wasn't ready to handle that much contact yet.

Which really made me angry. My mind was ready - I wasn't about to let my body hold me back. I never could shake that feeling that if I didn't do a little seizing of the day, that it was all going to vanish before I got the chance to do anything ever again.

The thing is, I've never really been a fan of baby steps. I only take them when I have to; when it's not just up to me. But I am in control of this - myself. I should be. It was like when it came time to take off one of those super-adhesive bandages, the ones that don't like to detach from your skin. I never liked removing it tug by tug. Ripping it off quickly was easier and more effective; it stung, but faded faster.

My mind wanted to go into the same mindset with this. I didn't want hours, days, weeks, months to slowly get accustomed to the feeling of being touched. I didn't want to give it a chance to go away by not seizing the opportunity when I had it. I wanted it all, right now. I wanted to be overwhelmed. I didn't want to drown; I wanted to burn - completely, totally, consumed. Hot heaven. I was quickly learning that that was the only good way to hurt, to die. Because you'll never live more in your life than when you're feeling that.

And I was determined to feel it, one way or another.

And what a better opportunity than tomorrow, when I was to spend the night?

I fell back on the bed, my imagination getting away with me. I saw myself arriving, and Alice patting my shoulder or squeezing my hand as she was wont to do. I'd smile, and quickly get over that initial feeling of awkwardness, because Dream-Jasper had been right; I felt very at place in their home. Edward would probably not appear at first, because he was rarely there exactly when I wanted him to be. Alice and I would do something fun, something sleep-overy. What did girls do at those things? I envisioned movies, popcorn, the smell of nail polish. And subsequent nail polish remover. Hopefully.

And then when it came time to go to bed…Alice would disappear into her and Jasper's room, and Edward would make his appearance. Take me by the hand, take me to his bedroom, wherever that was. I envisioned somewhere upstairs - but it might be down. I hadn't seen that much of the house. He would close the door quietly, and come up behind me where I stood in the middle of his bedroom, a very hazy place, as I didn't even want to get into imagining the mystery that his room would be. His lips would plant his tell-tale soft kisses along my neck, my jaw. My skin tingled in real life with growing patches of heat, my memory serving me well, remembering with perfect clarity those kisses. My fingers brushed my skin, replacing them with a very different set of fingers in my mind.

In my head, we didn't have to say anything. We just knew. His hands brushed tantalizingly across my flesh as he took my clothes off, and I did something wanton and sexy; quite the opposite of what I was more apt to do, but it was my fantasy after all. "You're beautiful, kitten," he'd whisper. I didn't have to use my imagination for that one. My mind conjured that up from last night. I shivered. My jeans would fall to the floor. And then…I'd be revealed wearing some very unsexy, mismatched cotton undergarments.

Which was all I had. Damn it.

I glanced at my alarm clock. It was early yet, which worked in my favor. I would most definitely be needing it, my "skills" in this area being decidedly lacking. I sighed.

I knew what I had to do now.

Double damn it.

~*~

The mall had only been open for a short while when I pulled in, able to get a very decent parking space due to the hour, and it being a weekday. It was strange; the mall was something I always envisioned opened, except for late at night, but it didn't actually open until late in the morning. Thankfully that inconvenience didn't interfere this time.

I sat in my truck for quite some time, fiddling with my gloves. A part of me, this new part, this reeling part, this part that woke up in a man's arms, nearly bare torsos pressed together, that part - wanted to abandon the gloves. Wanted to see if the world would treat me different now. But the old part, the

weary, jaded part that had walked this trek so many times only to be let down, disappointed, and distressed told me to leave them on, that now was not the time to try again.

Bugger it, I thought. With a heated vengeance, I tore the gloves from my hands, and threw them into the passenger seat like discarded friends. Which I guess they were.

The flame inside me dimmed and settled to a low simmer as soon as I'd opened the door, breathing in reality. I stood, rigid, staring at the sizable building over the tops of a few cars. Scenarios ran through my mind, each one worse than the last. The fire flared feebly, trying to reignite its spark, but it was too late. Sighing, I gave in. I turned around and placed my gloves in my bag to bring with me. Just in case.

It was strange to see the mall this empty. I heard each tap of my shoes at they hit the tile. Only a couple otherwise unengaged shoppers passed by me as I walked through. Peering inside the shops I went by, I saw that many of the clerks did not look entirely awake themselves, coffee cups in hands, and yawns permeating their straightening up or tottering around.

When I started to approach my destination I gulped a little. My hands shook. Maybe started to sweat a tad, even. I glanced around shiftily, hoping no one I knew would be here. And then I remembered that that was a grand total of about five people, so my caution was wasted anyway. But who knows. Stranger things have happened.

I am living proof of that.

The glowing pink sign with its black accents was like a beacon for humiliation. I tried desperately not to look at the pictures of the models on the way in, less my courage falter.

A salesgirl - lounging tiredly against a plastic, glossy table filled with tiny scraps of fabric called underwear - noticed me and sat up. "Welcome to Victoria Secrets," she smiled. "Can I help you find something?"

"Erm, no, I'm just looking, thanks," I muttered, trying to avoid eye contact. That was the trick with these commission workers, who, in truth, scared me quite a bit.

"Okay, well if you need any help I'm Amanda, and feel free to ask me anything." Her smile was wide and practiced, though not entirely fake.

I smiled back a little. "Thanks."

Looking around and browsing through all the displays and racks, I felt like a little girl playing in the grown-up part of the store. Then I remembered that I was a grown-up and there was nothing wrong with being here or looking around or, god forbid, buying anything.

I still felt like I was trying too hard.

But why? What was wrong with wanting to buy something nice and pretty to make me feel nice and pretty? Why was that such a crime? Why couldn't I do it?

The arguments were sound enough. But I still didn't feel right. Everything here was lacy and revealing and sexy…everything I didn't feel like I was.

But college was all about experimenting and growing up and moving on with things. I just needed to get with the program and get over it.

I wondered what Edward would think.

In all honesty, that was what was scaring me. Would he like it? Would he think I was trying too hard? Would it even matter what I was wearing because he wouldn't want to do that with me anyway?

I shook away my traitorous thoughts and focused more on the situation at present. What should I buy? A nightgown? A slip? Start off sexy? Or go back to my daydream and buy sexy undergarments to go underneath it all?

I hovered between a display of bras and a rack of nightgowns nervously, contemplating.

I walked around, my arms tucked around myself, feeling more and more overwhelmed.

"Are you sure you don't need any help?" I startled and turned right. It was the salesgirl, uh, Amanda. She was looking appropriately concerned.

I wrung my hands, thinking. "I…I guess. See I'm not really sure what I'm…" My mind made up itself in that moment. "I'm looking for a nightgown. Something pretty but nothing really…over the top."

She smiled reassuringly. "I can help you with that. We just got in this shipment of soft nighties - they're so gorgeous but nothing sex kitten, I promise. Plus, can you say comfortable? I bought one for myself and I don't regret it. Trust me, they're so nice," she gushed, leading me the whole time towards a rack hanging on the wall on the other side of the store from where we'd been.

In all fairness, the nighties weren't half bad. They were definitely feminine, with a bit of lace trim. But at least they weren't like…satin, or silk. They looked like something I could wear. Fairly confidently. Yet I couldn't shake off the lingering doubt, that voice nagging that I was going about this all wrong. I reached out a touched a pale blue one. It looked like it would only go down to mid-thigh. I thought briefly about all the scars I'd accumulated over the years, small, pale, barely there ones. Ones I could imagine Edward kissing tenderly, as was his style from what I'd seen so far.

Sighing, I turned my head right, looking at the exit. Something in a store window across the way caught my attention, and I did a double-take, squinting to try to see it better.

"Hmm…you look like a small would fit you nicely, I think. You want to try it on?" Amanda asked.

"Erm, no, but thank you so much," I muttered distractedly, inching closer to the exit, still trying to see better. When I finally got a good view of it I actually laughed out loud.

"Thank you for your help," I told Amanda before exiting the store and heading across the aisle to the other one, grinning at the item in the store window. This felt more right.

~*~

Alice and Jasper were lounging on their porch when I pulled up to their house the following evening, she lying between his legs on their extended lawn chair.

"Bella!" Alice called happily, sitting up as I exited my car. I slammed my car door shut, the only way to make sure that it securely closed all the way, rusty flakes falling to the ground; I internally winced, hoping they didn't notice me defiling their perfect lawn.

"Hey," I smiled back, throwing my bag over my shoulder.

"Are you ready to get started?" Alice asked when I reached the porch, hopping up from the chair and Jasper's legs.

"Get started on what?" I questioned cautiously. That did not sound like the words of an effortless night.

"You can't actually expect me to have invited you to spend the night and not have made up an itinerary," she said in a tone that let me know she thought this was obvious. "But then again," she continued thoughtfully, opening the door to their house. Jasper stood to the side, behind me, waiting. "I guess you could. I keep forgetting we haven't known each other that long. I feel like I've known you for some time."

"Well you did know my father," I pointed out, trying to be reasonable in response to the warmth that had rushed through my veins at her words. "The police chief in Forks? Maybe that's what's warping your perception."

"I didn't know him actually," she frowned. "The police force were never on my radar. In retrospect I should've checked it out," she breathed, more to herself than me.

We had reached the living room, the same as the last time I'd been here, except for the bowl of chips, the bowl of popcorn, the bottles of soda, and the stack of DVDs sitting on the coffee table. I smiled at the scene, so unfamiliar to me, but something I knew to be completely normal. I almost laughed out loud. For all my imaginings, I'd never really thought that we'd actually be doing normal stuff. I looked around, and on the small table next to the couch were even several different colors of nail polish. I bit my lip. My dreams were coming true. Especially considering that Edward was no where in sight - just like I thought.

"Where's Edward?" I asked anyway.

Alice shrugged, and I noticed Jasper hadn't followed us in here. "I have no idea. What do you want to watch?" she asked, gesturing to the DVDs. "If you don't like any of these, we have others."

"Oh," I blushed, a little flustered. I quickly looked through the videos, knowing I would pick one of them to make it easier on everyone. I smiled as I came upon one I actually honestly liked. I held it up for Alice's scrutiny. "This one, please."

Her answering smile was bright and wide. "I love that one," she squealed. "It's so romantic."

"That's why I like it," I grinned back.

Putting the disc in and skipping straight to the menu before pressing play, I smiled as the familiar opening scene of Moulin Rouge appeared on the screen. When "Nature Boy" started playing, my eyes became unfocused, barely paying attention to the images I knew so well already.

There was a boy,
A very strange, enchanted boy…

Where was Edward? Didn't he want to see me? What about everything he'd said, about how he would see me here. He'd sounded so sincere…

I brushed a hand through my hair miserably before letting it drop down to my jacket pocket, playing with my gloves. I gulped, resisting the urge to put them on. They were more than a habit at this point. They were safety. They were my addiction. Because I'd gotten addicted to playing it safe for far too long.

No more.

That's not who I was. That's not who I used to be. That's not who I wanted to be.

Well there were a lot of things I wanted. But I couldn't seem to make them happen.

I was far too enraptured with this man. It was absurd. When "Your Song" came on I began imagining Edward singing all these parts, being this romantic guy, reminding me of the night before…and subsequently making me blush.

Jasper never came back and at one point I asked Alice why. "Because it's girl time, duh. I didn't invite you over to hang out with Jazz," she teased.

Even though I was out of it most of the movie, I still let loose a couple tears at the end, which relieved me. Crying was the result of a strong emotion, and I'd gotten the fear over the years that being out of touch with people would make me lose my ability to feel deeply.

But more importantly than that, the snacks Alice had provided were excellent. I was starving.

"Is there another event planned after this?" I asked with amusement, popping some more of the expanded corn into my mouth when the movie ended.

"Again, it's like you don't even know me," Alice stated, reaching over to the table behind her, and grabbing the nail polishes. "What color?"

I contemplated. "I like that blue."

"An excellent decision madam," she agreed formally. I giggled.

I cut off though when she picked up my hand, holding it where the jacket covered my skin. My heart pounded as usual, and I closed my eyes, letting this contact sink in.

"So, I hear you skived off class," Alice told me, smiling around the corners of her lips, a few minutes after she began her painting of my fingernails. "You're officially a student now."

"Edward told you?" I asked, interested.

"Yup." Her brow furrowed in concentration as she added a bit too much polish to my pinky. She wiped the edges with her own nail. I shuddered a little at the sensation.

"Does he talk about me a lot?" I asked, trying to sound nonchalant. I thought it was a valid question though. I mean, first Jasper with the blushing thing, now Alice with the skipping. At least he was close with them. Or just wasn't close with me.

My heart sunk at the thought.

Of course. Bitterness lined the insides of my throat, making me have to gulp it down.

Alice glanced up briefly to look me in the eyes. "Edward's a very private person," she said carefully. "He doesn't talk much, not about anything personal. But when he does, it's because it really means something to him." She glanced at me again. "I hope you know you mean something to him. And I know he means something to you."

Was it strange to be so open about things we'd never discussed but innately knew? It didn't feel strange, here, with her, or any of them. It felt right.

"Thank you," I whispered.

She nodded before smiling a little sadly, the first time I'd seen her do anything of the sort. "Sorry about all this stereotypical stuff," she said, gesturing around. "I got excited. I've never really done this before."

"Me neither," I confessed.

She sat up, facing me head on, and we shared a private smile. She gave me a gentle squeeze where she held me, half on my hand, half on my wrist. I think we both felt our friendship deepen and cement then. In that moment, we became best friends. I leaned back into the couch as she continued her work, the atmosphere even warmer than before.

When I finally began yawning, Alice did too. "Do you want to go to bed, or do that whole-nighter thing I've heard of?" she asked.

"Call me a dork, but I'm going to opt for sleep," I confirmed.

Alice stood up from the couch, stretching her entire body out gracefully. "The guest room is upstairs, the second door on the right. The bathroom is the first door on the right. But feel free to sleep wherever," she said with a twinkle in her eye. "Anyway, g'night," she yawned, heading toward the room she shared with Jasper on the other side of the first floor.

"Night," I muttered, plodding toward the stairs and making my ascension. I stopped half-way up and looked at a door on the first floor that I could see. I wondered if Edward stayed in one of them. Sighing, I felt my disappointment about him settle in as I climbed the rest of the steps.

There were only four doors on this floor. Two on the right, one on the left, and one at the very end. It was narrower than the others, and was a completely different type of wood, ebony, I would hazard. I was intrigued by this dark door, but figured it wasn't my place to start snooping around their house already. Shaking my head, I wandered into the guestroom, setting my over-night bag down on the bed and unzipping it.

Moonlight poured in through the sheer white curtains, but I turned on the bedside lamp anyway. Pulling my toothbrush and pajamas out of my bag, I held up the item I'd bought at the store in the mall with a frown. It was a powder blue shirt that stated 'HUG ME' in white letters across the front. I guess it was pointless now since I hadn't seen the one person I wanted to see it tonight. Sighing, I pulled it on anyway along with my plaid pajama bottoms.

I left my room to use the facilities and brush my teeth, and on my way back to the guestroom, a small sound made me stop. It was like a creaking whoosh, like the sound of…I wasn't sure exactly, but I knew I knew what it was, somewhere inside my head. It came from above. Frozen, I peered up at the ceiling, listening for several long moments. I heard nothing else. Writing it off as my imagination, I shook my head again and reentered the room I'd been given.

I switched the desk-side light off, but did not immediately crawl in to the inviting looking bed. Something pulled me towards the window instead. Drawing the curtains back, I let the moonlight in fully, breathing it in deeply. I rested my hands against the sill and stared up at the sky.

My eyes wandered down. With a start, I saw a figure standing in the side yard, where this room faced. My throat closed around a gasp, adrenaline suddenly pumping through my veins. Then my eyes adjusted and I recognized who the shadowy form below was.

Edward.

Without thinking, I fumbled with the window latch and pushed it up. I froze again. Because that was the sound I'd heard before. The sound of a window being pushed up.

Edward stood facing the woods, his hands on his hips. I wished I could see his face. Making my mind up in a split second I closed the window and whirled around, rushing out of this room and jumping down the stairs as athletically as I was capable of. I had to slow down a bit at the front door, trying to be quiet about it as I slipped on my shoes and opened the door, stepping out and closing it softly behind me. I wandered just as slowly to the edge of the house, taking a deep breath before I rounded the edge.

Edward hadn't moved from his spot, but he now had one arm across his chest, and his other hand pressed against his mouth in a stance of deep thought.

I approached slowly, though not entirely quietly. He didn't turn around though. I waited until I was a few feet behind him to stop.

"Hey," I said softly.

"Hey kitten," he murmured back. Slowly, he turned to face me.

Our eyes met, before his flickered down to my shirt. I watched his expression become unreadable to me.

I rocked on my feet, the cool night air and my nerves making goose bumps raise on my arms. I cast around quickly for something to ask. "So, what're you doing out here?"

He shrugged almost imperceptibly, his gaze penetrating and serious as he looked at me. "Thinking," he answered succinctly.

I nodded, unable to think of anything else to say. I knew what I wanted to say, to ask, but I couldn't. I gripped my arm, shivering again from the night air.

"You're cold," he observed quietly.

"Uh, yeah."

"You should go back inside."

I bit my lip. "I…I wanted to see you." It was there, right there, bubbling up to the surface, the question I wanted to ask. "Didn't - don't - I thought - do you not want to see me?" There. Close enough. I bit my finger, eyeing him nervously for an answer.

"I don't think it has anything to do with what I want," he said cryptically. "I'm just not sure it's a good idea."

My insides twisted. It was understandable. He didn't want to deal with any more of my insanity if he were to be close to me again. I couldn't blame him for that. I shouldn't. I didn't. I blamed myself.

"Right," I muttered, looking down. "I am sorry, again."

He sighed exasperatedly. "Oh, come here," Edward snapped, holding out one of his hands. I looked down at it in shock, before raising my eyes to his. He softened before my gaze. "Come here kitten," he repeated, but more gently this time.

My hand shook as I extended it to his. I gasped unsteadily when he pulled me sharply into his chest, holding me tightly. To my surprise, I found myself relaxing in his arms without the shaking, more than ever before. It was all alright here.

His chin rested on my head. "You're ridiculous," he sighed, his fingers rubbing my back softly. "But in a good way I think."

"Well gee…thanks," I breathed into his shirt.

"It's no problem. Really," he commented dryly. His hand ran down my bare arm, coming to twine his fingers in between mine.

"Come with me," Edward said, pulling away and tugging me by my hand back towards the house.

"Where?" I asked, but I was already following. It didn't matter where we were going, so long as I got to spend some more time by him. So long as we didn't have to part again so quickly.

"My room," he answered simply. I smiled to myself, catching up enough to walk next to him.

Before we rounded the edge of the house, I looked up. Above the window I recognized as my own was another one, higher up. It was open.


Hey guys! My deep apologies for the wait. Writer's block caught up to me, and by the time I lost it again I was already deeply immersed in my studies once again, and some added extra currics. I have been SO busy, man, it feels like I close my eyes for a second and then I'm back in the mess.

Thank you for the support anyway! I'm probably the worst person ever at answering PMs, but if you ever want to see what's up with me you can check any of the links I have concerning me at the top of profile page (like the forums for Twilighted, where you can find a thread for this story, my blog, my Twitter, blah blah blah.)

As an interesting side note, I've watched an extremely interesting documentary recently, probably the best one I've ever seen, named What The Bleep Do We Know. It's gets into a lot of complex thought about humans, about the world; things that you really have to think about. It's no light watch if you want to get the most out of it, but it was so amazing to me that I have to at least let people be aware of it. I agree with a lot of things they cover, though I think they exaggerate at some levels, but I agree with the basic principles and points that they go through. And it's not just interviews either, there's a fictional story to go along with it - like I said, best one I've ever seen. If you go to watch-movies(dot)net you can see it there. I've really been inspired by it, because it put into words and pictures things I think about myself, and that's helped me externalize it. You'll no doubt be seeing its influence in my work.

And um, HELLO! The new New Moon trailer!?!?!? Holy fricken tap-dancing christ! If that didn't get me motivated to write, I don't know what else will!

- The Romanticidal Edwardian