A/N- This chapter is dedicated to the memory of my friend Jay, who despite biting my neck and nearly pulling my nipple off last night, is sadly still with us.

EXTRANET MESSAGE

From: ALENKO, K.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Thanks, I guess

Thanks, and I know it's the thought that counts, but what am I meant to do with a gallon of maple syrup?

Kaidan

EXTRANET MESSAGE

From: SHEPARD, J.

To: ALENKO, K.

Subj: RE: Thanks, I guess

Pour it over Liara and lick it off?

Master Chief

EXTRANET MESSAGE

From: JAVIK

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Your Gift

I find this gift foolish. I am informed by the asari that I am obliged to thank you for it. I consider this primitive communication message to be a waste of my time.

EXTRANET MESSAGE

From: T'SONI, L.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: I Am Not Krogan

For the last time, it doesn't work like that.

Liara

EXTRANET MESSAGE

From: VEGA, J.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Coolest Toy Ever

About time someone made an action figure of yours truly. The tattoos aren't quite right and some parts aren't quite proportional if you get what I mean, but this is A. Maze. Ing. Impresionante.

Vega

EXTRANET MESSAGE

From: SHEPARD, J.

To: VEGA, J.

Subj: RE: Coolest Toy Ever

Masturbation. The act of playing with oneself.

Sheploo

EXTRANET MESSAGE

From: MOREAU, J.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: I Took Commander Shepard Through Hell And Back Three Times And All I Got Was This Crappy Magazine

No, really. What the hell Shepard?

Joker

EXTRANET MESSAGE

From: SHEPARD, J

To: MOREAU, J.

Subj: Whining Bitch

Thank you would have been nice.

The Lord is (my) Shepard

EXTRANET MESSAGE

From: CHAKWAS, K.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Kama Sutra

Very funny Shepard, but Engineer Adams and I don't need tips thank you.

Karin

EXTRANET MESSAGE

From: VAS NORMANDY, T.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Thank You?

I'm not sure why I would want to paint my body with something brown that smells like chocolate, but thanks for getting me something, I guess.

Tali

EXTRANET MESSAGE

From: VAS NORMANDY, T.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: You Are Sick

I've just done an Extranet search on chocolate body paint to double check that its safe for quarians and I found out its intended purpose. You are a sick, sick man.

Tali

EXTRANET MESSAGE

From: VAKARIAN, G.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Chocolate Body Paint

Tali just tried out her gift and I just want to tell you, you are a genius and I love you. That book was nice too.

Garrus

A/N- Google translate told me that 'Impresionante' is Spanish for awesome. If its not, blame them not me. Also, please blame lack of quality on my hangover. I think I have liver failure.