A/N: At last, the journey is over. There have been happy times, and sad times. Me and my aunty are also proud to announce this story has been awarded a lovely spot in the community "Torchwood Badfics," thanks to the lovely (read: sarcasm) Onomatopoetic. We'd just like to say, screw you and your community. That is all. To the rest of you, thank you for reading. We hope you enjoy this final chapter. =) Enjoy. Also, look out for the next Torchwood parody I'll be writing. It's going to be based on Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!
Words could not describe how happy Jack was at this current moment in time, no one would be able to ruin his mood now. Not after the most happiest and beautiful moment of his life that had come to pass.
Even now, Jack couldn't believe that Gwen Cooper was dead at long last. And it was well overdue, that was something he knew for sure. No more listening to her irritating voice and he wouldn't have to hide under his desk every time he saw her about to enter his office back in the Hub. But the most important thing of all would probably have to be that she was dead, which meant his life would now be so much better, now that she was gone for good.
Even better, Ianto seemed to be warming to him, even before he'd gotten his promised heart from the wizard. He hadn't missed the valiant way Ianto had come to his defence against the wicked witch, or the way that Ianto kept looking at him as they headed back to the Emerald City. In fact, he was sure he saw Ianto winking at him more than once.
Then again, he supposed that could have just been the dust storm that they'd had to walk through…
Unfortunately, Jack's happiness was cut short as they once again entered the large chamber of the Wizard of Oz. The fire and smoke almost threatened to choke Jack; it was that thick. Really – overkill, much?
"That was quick," that oddly familiar voice said as the face appeared inside the fire and smoke in front of them.
Grabbing the wedding ring out of Ianto's hands, Jack stepped forward, triumphantly holding up the ring to the face in the fire.
"We did what you told us. We've brought you the wedding ring of the wicked witch of the East."
"It wasn't easy, but we managed to kill her," Toshiko fibbed timidly. Of course, they all knew full well that it was really just a fluke that they killed her. Even so, they had killed her, and that thought alone was enough to bring a smile to all of their faces, and peace to their hearts.
Well, all of them except Ianto, who was still waiting to get his.
Owen of course stepped forward next to Jack, speaking eagerly to the fire.
"Now, about that bleach I wanted... Ouch!"
Owen bellowed in annoyance as Jack gave him a good, solid smack over the head.
"What was that for, you bloody ponce?" the scarecrow demanded. Jack glared at him.
"Hello? All-powerful wizard here? Do you want to get what you want, or do you want to be stuck in a field forever?"
Owen scowled, but got the hint. Which was a minor miracle in itself, given that he still didn't have a brain. He would later learn that his original brain had been donated to the BBC charity, Children in Need, by the Witch of the East. However, they hadn't been able to use it, so it ended up on a scrap heap somewhere in Northern Wales.
"We'd like you to keep your promise to us, if that's alright with you," Jack asked as politely as his character permitted, all the while snuggling his cheek against Coco in an effort to look adorably disarming. However, his efforts fell flat as the answer he got was not what he wanted to hear.
"Not so fast! You don't rush these sorts of things. They take time, careful thinking and consideration... And frankly, you were just too bloody quick. Should've been gone for a lot longer than you were; not just two chapters' worth. Come back tomorrow. I need more time to think about whether I'm going to grant your requests."
There was a sudden, dramatic pause that lasted for at least five seconds, as per in the script, while Jack and his companions gaped in disbelief at the disembodied head.
"Excuse me? What did you just say?" Jack asked in an icy tone.
"Come back tomorrow," the face in the fire replied, sounding confused and a tad annoyed. "I thought that was pretty clear. Tomorrow. As in the day after today. What part of that didn't you get?"
Ianto strode up to stand beside Jack.
"You've had plenty of time to think things over. If you don't do what you promised right now, God help you, I will come in there and snuff out your fiery backside. If you have one, that is."
Toshiko nodded her head fiercely in agreement, although the ferocity of her nodding was severely diminished by the fact that she was hiding behind Owen at the time. Naturally. She was cowardly, after all. What else did you expect?
"How dare you talk to me like that!" the face thundered, gobsmacked. "You had seriously better not make me angry. I don't take to hostility kindly at all, you impudent little apes."
"Oh, do shut up," Ianto retorted, giving one of his classic eye-rolls that never failed to amuse Jack. The Captain sparkled…
"Hold it!" Jack yelled, glaring upwards at nobody in particular. "This isn't that bloody Twilight bullshit. I do not, nor have I ever sparkled. Get that straight, right now."
The harried author cringed, and quickly amended the typeset.
The Captain 'beamed' briefly at Ianto before remembering that he was supposed to be feeling pissed off, and resumed glaring at the big head in the fire.
"Hey, I do not have a big head," the big head complained, but the author was done with being bullied by the characters, and completely ignored him.
In the middle of the bickering between them all, not even Jack noticed as Ollie hopped out of his coat pocket and scurried across the floor of the chamber, scampering cutely towards a green curtain that none of them had noticed. Because, obviously, it was in the script that they weren't meant to see it before now.
Moments later the smart, intelligent and terminally adorable puppy - which Jack had decided that he was definitely going to replace Gwen with when he got back home (because, really, the puppy was far more useful) - pulled the curtain aside with his teeth, revealing a strangely lanky and somewhat hyperactive man behind it, fiddling with gizmos of all sorts.
Owen was the first one to notice the man behind the curtain. Giving Jack a nudge in the ribs that was perhaps a little harder than necessary – then again, his elbow was filled with straw, so Jack barely noticed anyway – all of them finally spotted the odd man.
Unlike the face in the fire, this man appeared young and rather good-looking in a skinny boy in a suit sort of a way. From his rear vantage point, Jack couldn't help but stare in appreciation, only to receive a glare from Ianto. He found it curious that someone with no heart could exhibit jealous tendencies, but who was he to complain? He got the point – no ogling strange backsides.
The man was wearing a brown pinstriped suit, and a pair of converse sneakers that had Ianto cringing. Who in their right mind wore a suit with sneakers?
His hair was a lovely shade of brown. It was a little bit on the messy side… or rather, a lot messy, but the effect was breath-taking.
Jack felt distracted, though, and not necessarily in the way that he preferred. There was something about that particular backside that made Jack think he'd seen it before. Of course, that didn't really mean anything – he'd seen quite a lot of backsides in his time, and after so long it got a bit difficult to distinguish one from the other.
The man turned around which caused Jack's insides to start doing the Macarena and the YMCA at the same time as he recognised the person. It was the Doctor.
Even though the Doctor tried to grab the curtain to cover himself up again, it was too late. Jack was running over to the curtain to yank it aside.
"You!" Jack squealed in a most unmanly way which had Ianto glaring even harder. For a tin man with no heart, he was certainly doing a good job of faking it.
The Doctor backed up against the machine that they'd seen him using, his eyes wide with borderline panic. No one could really blame him – having an enthusiastic Jack Harkness charging at him like a rhino on heat would panic just about anyone. Except, perhaps, Gwen. But then, we really don't want to go there, do we?
There was a microphone near the Doctor. As he spotted it, Jack suddenly realised that the face in the fire had been some sort of a hologram, and nothing more.
"I'm sorry," the Doctor apologised, eyeing Jack warily. "I've got a bit of a complex life. Nothing really happens to me in quite the right order and it gets a bit confusing at times. You are?"
"Captain Jack Harkness," Jack replied with a despondent sigh. One of these days, he was going to get the sort of greeting from the Doctor that he'd always wanted, but it seemed that it wouldn't be today.
Cue the sympathetic "aw" from the audience.
"Hello, Jack, I'm the great and powerful Wizard of Oz. But you can call me the Doctor."
Stepping away from the machine, the Doctor pushed his way through the others.
"You're a very bad man," Toshiko said wagging her tail in the Doctor's face.
"It depends on your perspective," the Doctor replied vaguely.
Jack didn't seem to care enough anymore to ask what he meant, but Owen did.
"Look, what about the heart you promised Junkyard here, and the courage for Toshiko? And when will I get my bleach, let alone my brain!?"
The Doctor gave one of those smug smiles that Jack had seen on more than a few occasions.
"Anybody can have a brain, but that doesn't mean they need one. Every single creature that crawls in this universe or swims through the slimy seas has a brain."
"Even Gwen?" Ianto asked curiously. It was a fair question after all, if somewhat imponderable… much like asking which came first – the chicken or the egg.
"There are exceptions to every rule," the Doctor conceded after a long, thoughtful pause. Returning to the machine, the Doctor pulled out a few scrolls, chucking away what he didn't need until he was left with one.
"Back where I come from, everyone that has a brain has some form of diploma. So, by the authority vested in me I am happy to confer upon you with the honorary degree of Th.D."
Owen swiped the scroll out of the Doctor's hands and began reading it.
"What does Th.D stand for?"
"Thinking Disorder, of course," the Doctor replied matter-of-factly. "What did you think it mean? Doctor of Thinkology? I'm the only Doctor here, straw boy, and don't you forget it."
Owen dropped the diploma in disgust.
"I knew this was a waste of time. But at least I still get my bleach, right?" Owen asked. He never got an answer, which pretty much told him what he needed to know.
Turning to Toshiko, the Doctor walked across the chamber and picked up a small black bag and began to rummage through it.
"As for you, my dear… Because you run away from danger, you confuse being a coward to being wise. I should know, I do it all the time. Running is good, believe me. But I have to say this. Anyone who has the nerve to face up to the Wicked Witch of the West must have some ounce of courage. So therefore, I hereby give you this, the medal of conspicuous bravery against wicked bitches."
And no, that was not a typo. However, we, the authors, do solemnly apologise for offending any sensitive eyes with our harsh description. Ding dong, the bitch is dead.
Suck it up, you know you love it. Moving on, now.
After the bag almost swallowed up the Doctor's arm, he pulled out an extremely large medal with courage printed across it.
Toshiko was more than happy to accept the medal.
"Wow. Thanks!"
"Now, for you," the Doctor said as he began searching through the bag again, and eventually pulling out a heart with a clock in it. "You want a heart, but you have no idea how lucky you are not to have one. I'd do anything not to have a heart, especially after Rose..."
Jack felt sorry for the Doctor, but nobody noticed, because this was not his moment. It was Ianto's.
"Are you sure you want one?" the Doctor asked, finally snapping out of his reverie.
Ianto took a very subtle glance at Jack, that naturally everyone in the room noticed.
"Yes, please."
"In that case, this is for you. And remember that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others."
"Told you," Jack said with a cheeky grin, and couldn't help but grab Ianto's arse playfully.
Ianto couldn't help but giggle at this; obviously his new heart was already taking into effect even though he hadn't actually taken it out of the Doctor's hand yet.
As soon as he did, Ianto began to study it and the mysterious ticking noise inside of it seemed to fascinate him.
"Oh! It ticks!"
Owen was obviously still in a bad mood. "No shit, Sherlock."
Ignoring Owen's crabbiness – it was probably just that time of the month – Ianto decided to properly test his new heart out, and he wheeled around, grabbed Jack by the braces and hauled him in for a massive snog. When they finally parted, Ianto knew his heart was working properly, because it was beating at a mile a minute. Or rather, ticking, at least.
"Look at my medal Jack. It says 'Courage'," Toshiko stated, nudging Ianto quite firmly out of the way so that she could proudly flash her pride and joy in Jack's face.
We mean her medal, you sick-minded people. Her medal.
Sadly though, Jack was still waiting for the Doctor to give him something.
Really, you people need help. We mean, waiting to be given a way home. Seriously, you people…
He was waiting to be told how to get home, but no suggestions were forthcoming.
"There's nothing in that black bag for me, is there?" Jack mumbled disconsolately, using Coco to wipe up his teary eyes. Ianto felt his new heart breaking in response to Jack's sadness, and immediately went to his side to offer comfort, which Jack eagerly accepted… along with the chance of a quick grope now that Ianto was no longer rejecting his advances.
There was a look on the Doctor's face, however, that made Jack think he was up to something.
"You underestimate me, Jack. The only way to get back to Cardiff is for me to take you myself."
Jack gave the Doctor a big hug much to Ianto's annoyance, squeezing him until the Doctor began to wheeze in pain in his grip. This was the best news he'd heard in ages.
"Respiratory bypass system about to fail," the Doctor managed to croak out in between gasps of air before Jack let go.
"How do you plan on getting him home?" Toshiko asked curiously. "I've never heard of this Cardiff place before. It sounds an awfully far away."
"Oh, I have my ways." The Doctor flashed (don't even go there, people) a reassuring smile as he dug his hands into those impossibly deep pockets of his. "I was travelling for a while, but my ship crashed here in this parallel universe. I found myself instantly acclaimed Oz, the first and wonderful wizard. I figured I would try and help rid these poor people of Gwen while I was here before trying to return to my own universe."
"You wouldn't have done it if it weren't for us," Jack pointed out conceitedly, raising an eyebrow in a poor attempt to imitate Ianto. The Doctor was incensed.
"I would have done, but I've been too busy repairing my ship."
Owen mumbled incoherently under his breath, clearly not amused. Jack, however, couldn't help but smile as he realised he was finally going home.
*
Hundreds upon hundreds of citizens of Oz gathered around as the Doctor's ship, which, strangely enough, resembled a blue police box, was place in the middle of the square. Jack had to fight his way through the crowd to get to it, making sure Ollie stayed tucked away safely in his coat pocket, and that the magical muse wasn't taken by the crowd. Ianto, Owen and Toshiko followed close behind.
The Doctor pulled out a key from his pocket and pushed it into the keyhole of the TARDIS, displaying the impossibly huge inside to be shown to all that looked.
"It's bigger on the inside!" Owen exclaimed as he circled the square ship.
"You really do have a brain," Toshiko retorted at Owen.
The others all stayed outside the ship in awe as Jack bounded enthusiastically inside. The Doctor began fiddling with buttons and levers on the central control column until it began moving up and down slowly.
"Time to say your goodbyes, Jack."
"Okay." Jack went back outside the TARDIS to see Ianto crying hysterically. "What's the matter, my beautiful tin boy?"
"I. Don't. Want. You. To. go."
Each word seemed to be separated by a flood of tears. This was beginning to get too much for Jack to handle. As attracted as he was to the new and shiny, he knew he had a very special and very much warm and snugly Welshman to go home to. One by one, he gave each of them a big hug goodbye, especially Ianto, whom he also favoured with an affectionate squeeze of his tin plated bum.
"I'll miss you guys," Jack admitted.
He backed into the TARDIS and up to the consol where the Doctor was standing.
"I'm ready."
With a smile, the Doctor pressed one button and almost immediately the ancient time ship began to fade in and out of existence as the light on top of the police box began to flash.
"Allons-y!"
What happened in the next few seconds caused Jack's heart to beat ten times faster than usual.
Ollie leapt out of Jack's pocket and bounced cutely out of the still-open door of the TARDIS, frightened by the grinding sound of the alien vehicle's engines. Unable to bear being without his adorable little bundle of fluffy cuteness, Jack raced after Ollie even as the TARDIS began to fade out of existence.
Jack whirled around when he realised with horror what he'd done.
"Come back! Please don't leave without me," he yelled out as he tried to enter the TARDIS again, only to pass right through it.
"I can't! Sorry Jack, goodbye!"
And with those final notes the TARDIS disappeared once and for all, leaving Jack standing motionless after picking his dog off the ground.
"Thanks a lot," Jack pouted at Ollie, although he just couldn't stay mad for long. Sighing, Jack looked around. Everyone seemed stunned by the magic they had just witnessed. He guessed people even here were amazed by sight of the TARDIS dematerializing. "Now I'll never get home..."
Big tears welled up in his eyes as he tried to come to terms with being stuck permanently in Oz.
"Stay with us then, Jack," Toshiko said, using her tail to wipe up Jack's tears. "We all love you, especially Ianto. We don't want you to go."
"That's very kind of you, Toshiko, but this place could never be like Cardiff," Jack said. That was an understatement, if ever there was one.
Even as his friends tried to comfort him, though a magical humming noise began to fill the air, causing everyone to look upwards. As soon as Jack saw the gigantic bubble floating down from the sky, he knew instantly who it was.
Donna.
When the bubble reached the ground somewhere in the crowd, it got bigger and brighter until it finally revealed Donna.
"Thank you, thank you," Donna bowed to her audience as she waved her wand majestically in the air.
She made her way towards Jack, and naturally, the crowd parted for her as she walked through. They all knew damn well that if they didn't get out of her way, she would just whack them with her wand. When she reached Jack, he found himself sighing in relief.
"Will you help me? Can you help me? For the love of god, tell me you can help me."
Giving a warm smile, Donna spoke up at last.
"You don't need to be helped any longer. You've always had the power to go back to Cardiff."
What came next is what scriptwriters would call a dramatic pause, because that's exactly what occurred. Jack stood silently, staring at Donna for ages before finally speaking. Slowly.
"Excuse me?"
"If he had the power all along, why didn't you tell him before?" Owen asked.
Donna just laughed this off, and Jack felt himself simmering with a slowly growing rage. Oh, she was in for it. He was already clenching his free hand open and shut, preparing for a punch any second now, while the other held onto the magical muse, contemplating if he should throw it at her.
"Because he never would have believed me."
That was it.
"Are you out of your fucking mind!?" Jack yelled at Donna. "You floated down in a big bubble right after I landed in a town surrounded by Weevils. I would've believed anything you said."
"Oi!" Donna snapped back. "Don't even think about getting mouthy with me, fly boy."
"Too late, you… you witch! Now tell me how to get home this very instant."
This time Donna realised how serious Jack was, and decided that perhaps for her own wellbeing, she should just let what he said pass. That time.
"It's simple. Just clap the magical muse's hands."
"Clap its hands!?" Jack couldn't believe what he was hearing as he lifted up the stupid soft toy to her face. "I'm this close to punching you in the face. Okay, so I clap its hands, then what? It better be a lot more complicated than that, otherwise you're going to wish you had never been born."
Donna smacked her wand over Jack's head. Accidentally, of course. Not.
"Of course it's a lot more complicated than that, you dumbo. You have to clap its hands, and say 'there's no place like home, and you must do it at the same time."
At this, Donna began waving the wand magically over Jack's head in a circular, slightly hypnotic and yet completely pointless motion.
She never expected Jack to snatch the wand out of her hands before placing it over his knee and snapping it in two, throwing away the pieces into the crowd.
"Are you telling me I could have been home two seconds after I got here!?"
Donna nodded hesitantly.
"You psycho glitter bitch!"
It never occurred to Ianto, Owen and Toshiko to do anything except stand back and watch as Jack lunged towards Donna and began strangling her. Then the bitch fight began in earnest. Really, it had always been going to happen. All of that pink was just too much for the both of them.
Jack managed to slam Coco into Donna's face. She fought back by kicking him in the shins, causing him to bellow in pain, which gave Donna enough time to get away from the out of control Captain.
"I was only trying to teach you a lesson, you dumbo!"
Donna's hair was in an absolute shambles, not to mention her dress which now resembled a pink princess Barbie doll.
Jack panted heavily. Toshiko could have sworn that a storm cloud had circled above his head.
"Teach me a lesson? Who do you think you are, my mother?"
"Oi!" Donna growled.
"Oi!" Jack yelled back at her, unable to resist the strange desire to mock her choice of expletive.
"Oi!"
"Oi!"
"Oi!"
"Oi!"
"Oi!"
"Oi!"
"Oi!"
"Oi!"
"Oi, you two, knock it off!" Owen bellowed, deciding it was time to intervene before it got really nasty. Jack scowled menacingly at Donna.
"You'll be hearing from my lawyer when I get home, cotton candy!"
Jack held Coco in front of him, extremely pissed off. Closing his eyes, he began clapping the soft toy's hand together.
"There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home…"
Suddenly, Jack found himself getting tired and eventually losing all sense of time and place…
*
"He's waking up!"
Immediately Owen and Toshiko turned their attention away from their work stations and rushed over to Ianto, who had Jack cradled in his arms.
Jack had trouble opening his eyes as he slowly regained consciousness, but when he did, he couldn't suppress the relief he felt. The dull interior of the Hub had never looked so good.
"I'm home!" Jack croaked out finally.
"Well, where else did you expect to be, Kansas?" Owen remarked sarcastically.
It took a while for to Jack think of anything to say.
"Yeah… well… Just when you think you're not in Kansas anymore, it turns out you're in Cardiff instead."
Blank looks were had all round.
"What?" Toshiko asked finally, but Jack shook his head.
"Never mind. Just tell me how long have I been gone for?"
Owen and Toshiko exchanged confused glances, and Ianto finally answered.
"You were involved in an accident Jack. Somehow you lost control of the SUV and crashed. You were still dead when Toshiko and Owen finally got to you. Your body was badly damaged, and it's taken you some time to come back."
"But that's impossible!" Jack exclaimed. "I was taken by the Rift. You two were there, Owen, and Toshiko. And you as well," he said to Ianto, before groaning and clutching his head in pain. He had the worst headache.
Toshiko went back to the centre of the Hub and began typing something into one of the computers.
"There's been no sign of Rift activity since the alien that came through last night."
"Are you telling me that it was that it was all just some very strange Judy Garland dream…?"
As his three friends exchanged baffled looks, Jack realised that there was something missing. Well, not something; it was more like a certain someone; a certain someone who strangely wasn't hovering over him, begging to know if he was alright and how she could comfort him. And was it so wrong that he was relieved by that…?
"Where's Gwen?"
From the awkward silence and the serious exchange of looks between the three Torchwood employees, he guessed that something was definitely wrong.
"Jack," Ianto said, sounding as though he was choosing his words carefully. "There's been an accident. You remember how Gwen and I were facing off against that alien last night? Well, the alien sneezed on her and she sort of… well… melted."
Wait. Did he just hear Ianto right? Gwen Cooper, the only person he knew who believed she could handle any situation because of competent police training and her oh so sympathetic heart, had been liquefied by an alien. No words could describe how he felt right now. Actually, there was. He was thrilled.
And by the grins that were slowly creeping onto Owen's, Toshiko's and Ianto's faces, he could tell they were, too.
"We were able to scoop up as much of her as we could. I'm afraid this is all that was left."
Owen revealed an extremely large jar that was filled all the way to the top with a green liquid. It was the most beautiful thing Jack had seen for a long time. Well, at least since the last time he'd seen Ianto naked.
"Put it on my desk," Jack said. He was definitely keeping that jar of Gwen in his office as a reminder not to hire anymore bleeding heart idiots.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a strange yapping noise filled the Hub.
"What's that?" Toshiko asked, looking for the source of the noise.
At that moment, a small, sooty coloured, devastatingly cute puppy trotted towards them from its hiding spot, and began playing with Jack's shoes.
"Where the hell did that come from?" Ianto asked incredulously, whilst wondering whether he would be expected to clean up after it.
Picking up the dog, Jack examined it and immediately recognised the dog by its green eyes and overly long tongue. He never, ever forgot a tongue. It was Ollie.
"Nowhere," Jack replied innocently as he settled the cute little bundle of fluff onto his lap.
Today was a day that Jack would never forget. Looking at Ianto, he spoke the words he'd been waiting to say for a long time. Relatively speaking, chapter-wise.
"Ianto Jones, there really is no place like home."
fin.
