Chapter 8

I pull out my pajama sleepwear which is really just a matching tank/pant set with a soft t-shirt type material pants and then I add my favorite thick socks. I do end up cleaning up quickly, putting my hair down and combing it out and washing my face while brushing my teeth. Once I am dressed I grab a hoodie to wear if I need it and head down to the living room.

He isn't there yet but I did get ready really fast. I move over to the kitchen and look over all of the goodies around but also start to clean up while I am waiting. I am wrapping up leftover foods and putting it away when he makes it in. "You were fast." He says with a smile but also looking me over in my pajamas. The way he is looking at me as if I am all dressed up makes me blush.

I smile back at him as I take him in. He is wearing something similar and went with his own flannel pajama bottoms in black and grey and a dark grey shirt. He still looks mouthwatering. "Yeah it doesn't take me long to get ready in general. Efficiency and all that. Besides I started to practice getting ready in the shortest amount of time because of that whole thing I proposed to Tris and she decided to bring it up to leadership."

Eric smirks and tilts his head. "I knew Tris proposed it but I didn't know it came from you. Shouldn't be surprised though."

I shrug and blush a bit more. "Did you want to take anything with us for when we are out there? I wouldn't mind a irish coffee or something like that. And there is all kinds of food here…."

He comes closer and pulls me to him, cupping my cheek as he holds my eyes with his. He smiles when I have a shiver run down my back at his touch again. "That sounds good. I got the fire going and there is this big outdoor couch and ottoman out there. It should be comfortable enough, but we might want to grab a blanket from that cabinet near the laundry room. I just want to make sure you are going to be comfortable being away from everyone and alone with me Elle."

I frown before I lift up and kiss him softly then pull back. "Eric, I may be uncomfortable but only because of the attraction. That has only ever been the reason why I started to avoid you. I still remember those days shortly after I came to Dauntless and you were there when Logan couldn't be. I barely knew you then and I felt comfortable, well relatively." I blush at the end there.

He sighed in relief and nodded. "You have no idea how much I looked forward to those days. So much that I had to stop doing them Elle."

I nod because I understand. If he had been fighting the attraction as much as me then I understood. It was more dangerous for him then it ever would have been for me. "I understand Eric. Really I do."

"Let's get everything together and get up there before we get invaded whether we want to or not." He smirks before he kisses me gently again then we move to get things together.

He finds a big thermos in a cabinet and I find a basket to start loading things we were both eyeing or pointed out. Once the coffee was brewed he grabs the liquor to spike the coffee after getting it in the thermos and then we grab the blanket. He grabbed my hand and pulled me quickly with him when we heard voices outside of the door coming back into the lodge. We don't run exactly but we are walking really fast and laughing a bit when we get to his room. I don't even let nerves affect me as he opens the door and pulls me inside.

When the door clicks and he lets go of my hand to lock it I feel a bit of flutters. They don't last long because he quickly takes my hand and leads me right out to the balcony area. "Wow, this is pretty amazing. Who ever thought of this idea with the outdoor fireplace, that view of the valley and lake, plus they put in tech...they need an award." I am smiling at it all.

He laughs a little and pulls me over to the couch area. Once again, like with Logan, it is hard to remember how young they both are. They don't change radically but when they relax or smile it just lightens them.

I can understand why senior members decide to step down after a certain amount of time if they are in leadership positions. The mental strain to always have that wall and mask up must be tremendous. It makes me respect them even more because they are sacrificing so much more than you would think.

"You look like you're thinking deep thoughts Elle." Eric frowns as he pulls me to his side and tosses the blanket over us after I had pulled out the thermos, mugs and laid out the other items on the ottoman for us.

"I guess I was." I blushed as I looked at him. "I was thinking that I love your smile and laugh. It just reminded me that, like with Logan, you guys get to do that so rarely really. It's something I observed about all of the leaders or senior members that are still holding high level positions. No one thinks about that sacrifice you make when you take those positions. You aren't just expected to give of your time and body but your emotions and mentality. Having to keep up those shields so that those around you can enjoy themselves but don't get why you can't or won't. Then they hold it against you." I frown at that line of thought.

Eric locks eyes with me and I can see pleasure and relief before he kisses my temple and pulls back with a sigh. "Yeah it sucks but we can hope we get lucky and find someone that can understand that and see beyond it. Max is lucky he has Elise. Before she became leader even she understood and they balanced each other. You are right not many people get why we have to be the way we are. Not many people get why I have to be the way I am Elle."

I lay my head on his shoulder and wrap my arm around his waist. "I watched your actions Eric. Those were what I pulled my opinions from. Not what anyone else was trying to say, or even what your own words said sometimes. Although, I will admit I wasn't ever really sure if you even liked me. Especially the last few months."

His body tensed slightly and he sighed. "Yeah I was being a jealous dick. I hated seeing you with him but then knowing that you weren't even happy just made it worse. I at first said that I could deal with being friends but that didn't work out very well for me." He muttered a little angrily.

"You said you knew a while ago Eric….when did you know?" I asked quietly wondering when it started for him.

"Honestly Elle...probably the day I met you. There was just something that made me need to know more about you. How could this little stiff be so fierce and watching you take off and dropping that woman. I was in awe and then also pissed off because I was scared for someone. It scared the shit out of me how you just fucking charged in. Yeah you were capable but I had never felt like that about someone before. Then I was worried about how you were going to handle it all. The way you handled that even drew me in. So yeah, that day was when it started for me." As soon as he started to say that it was from the first day I had looked up and into his eyes.

The intensity of them as he was talking floored me because I was seeing the real feelings of Eric. Not completely open because he was still reserved and this..whatever this was going to be between us... is new. We had been friends of a sort before and at least on my part I had been dancing around my feelings. Getting to know this side of each other was going to take some time.

"I think it started for me then too." I take a breath and look at him. "I know you have seen me when I distance myself from things but did Logan ever tell you what really happens to me with that?"

He frowns and nods. "Yeah he told me a little bit about it. It's like the Erudite thing but more intense."

I chew my lip and think how to describe it. "The best I can explain it as is numbness. The emotions just aren't there to feel. I can pretty much go to that place anytime and anywhere and with almost everyone. Except those that to my core I trust. There are exactly five people I can't do that with. Three of them it would be a real struggle to do it if we were alone and one I just can't do it at all. No matter how I tried to Eric, pretty much from the beginning if we were alone or you were to near there was no way I could go to that place. I trusted you from the first day but I also felt other things as well. I just didn't know what those things were until, well until Tyler. I only knew that we lacked what I felt what a simple touch from you made me feel."

It was amazing to watch the range of emotion that passes over Eric's face when most of the day it is almost like he is set on permanent anger or boredom. During the time I was talking though I could see him being a bit awed, smug and last the flash of desire. With that he pulled me onto his lap and cupped my cheek, just looking at me for a moment before he kissed me again. Gentle at first and then with more hunger that we were both feeling. His hands both went to the sides of my face as if to make sure I didn't try and break away.

When he broke this kiss it was only to trail kiss down my jaw and neck, but we were both panting and I was straining for more of something.

"Eric" I moan when he begins to almost bite lightly in some areas, my fingers digging into his back as my arms are around his waist.

With a growl he pulls away and both of our eyes are heavy lidded with desire. He pulls me for another kiss but doesn't deepen this one even though I feel desperate to. When we break away again, chests heaving with our need for air, but feeling like we can't get enough. He pulls me back to rest against his chest. He nuzzles along my temple and breathes me in while we steady our hearts and breathing together.

"Elle, I won't lie I want you so bad right now. But I can't let us go there yet. I know you said you aren't upset about the loss of him but you just ended it today. I don't want you to have any regrets about this and I also want to do this right with you." His voice was strained still but he spoke quietly as he pressed his lips to my forehead.

I blow out a slightly frustrated breath and nod. He chuckles and shakes his head. "I guess I can understand that. I think. I can't promise I won't try and jump you Eric. I can't seem to control the things you make me feel."

"Gods you're going to be trouble. Not that I would complain. But I would like to at least try and have some kind of self control around you. You are just making it very very hard Elle." He tightened his arms around me and sighed into my hair.

I can't help the smirk that comes over my face. I affect him just as much as he does me. Gods how that makes me just burn even more because I want to make him lose that control now. I guess he can tell what my thoughts are because he starts muttering about 'gods help him'. I take pity on him though and don't try and press it. For now.

With a smile I however reach for our mugs, fill them and then lean back into him. We sip on the irish coffees and he turns on the vid screen and fiddles with until we find a movie we can both agree with and relax into each other.

The alcohol, fire and just being near Eric ends up relaxing me to the point where I know I am going to pass out soon. I have been up from ridiculously early and today was a bit of a roller coaster.

"Do you want to stay here Elle?" His own voice is relaxed and sleepy but also a bit hopeful.

"Do you want me to? I don't want to strain things." I ask with a small frown and eyes closed, head buried in his chest.

"I don't want to let you go that is for sure. I want you to stay." He shrugs as he says it.

I nod with a small smile. "I would like that Eric."

He hums a bit causing his chest to rumble as he tightens his arms around me and kisses the top of my head. "Ok baby, let's go to bed then."

Butterflies stuck in a hurricane. That is the best way I can describe what he has been making me feel since he showed up at lunch. It isn't unpleasant exactly but at times that fucking ache sure is. I push it down and ignore it though because he is right about something. I did just end things today, and this morning I woke up in Tyler's bed. Waiting might be torture but I can wait, for a little while anyways.

We get up but because I can't stand messes I start to straighten everything up as he helps. After that is done he makes his way over to the bed and starts to pull the covers down. I would and should be nervous but I am fading already so I pretty much just shrug out of my hoodie and crawl into the side of bed he doesn't seem like he is going to go for.

The bed is amazing and fluffy and I sigh with pleasure before my head and body are even settled. I automatically go for the side I always sleep on, which is faced away from him at the moment. I feel him slide into bed beside me and his own sigh of pleasure at a comfortable bed makes me smile.

His arms going to circle me and pull me against him makes the smile deepen even more. A different kind of warmth surrounds me now. The desire is there because that never really went away and has only gotten stronger and now that I can explore that I think it will only get worse. There is something else that is getting stronger but I am not sure what it is exactly. I know I have always cared for Eric but I am not sure what else I am feeling beside that.

Being in his arms though like this as we drift to sleep I think I might know it is the beginning of something deeper.