A/N: Welcome back, I hope you all enjoy this chapter, I've been looking forward to this one for ages!
Thank you all for the reviews, follows and favourites, you all make my day :D
On this chapter: in case you feel like Frigga's reactions are disproportionate, I feel like it's important to note that even though Odin murdered baby Hela over 1000 years ago, Frigga has never really got over her grief. She had no one to talk to about it, and had to just go about her daily life pretending that nothing had happened, everything was fine, and that her husband was a kind, fair and just man (she convinced herself of this so hard that she almost believed it) but she has never really been able to properly process her grief.
19/02/2018
Chapter Eight – Understanding
Loki was sitting on the sofa, reading an article on Einstein-Rosen bridges, when there came a knock at the front door. He paid it no mind as he scrolled down the article on the tablet he was reading, wincing as he came across a particularly wrong assumption. Despite the fact that these mortals understood more about the intricate workings of the universe than the average Asgardian, some of the mistakes they made truly were painful. However, understanding the gaps in the mortals' knowledge was essential for explaining exactly how the Bifrost worked, and Tony and Jane (both currently engaged in packing up some of Jane's equipment that was going to be shipped off on the cargo plane that Tony had summoned to them) were relying on him.
"Hi!" he could hear Darcy saying. "Oh my god you're back again, how come you knocked…are you actually here here? Whoa, yeah, I can touch you….sorry, was I not meant to do that, was that some alien taboo or something? Why are you actually here?"
"I decided it would be better for me to come in person," came the reply and Loki almost dropped the tablet in shock. What had happened that his mother would choose to actually travel here? Had she had to flee Asgard? Had Odin woken and told her what he was? "It is absolutely vital that I speak to my son as soon as possible,"
He stood as purposefully as he could and strode over to where Darcy and his mother stood. "Mother, what brings you here? Is all well in Jotunheim, has the Allfather awakened?"
He noted that she was carrying the cloak she used when she needed to travel to colder climates. She had just returned from Jotunheim then. What could be so important that she would immediately come to him?
"Do not worry Loki, all is well," his mother fixed him with a smile that was warm, but clearly strained. Clearly everything was not well, Loki realised. "I merely need to speak with you in private, I have been negotiating with the Jotuns and Laufey said a few things that concerned me,"
Loki maintained the most neutral face that he could manage, trying to push down the anxiety that threatened to overwhelm him. Concerned about what? Did Frigga know? Did she suspect that he was a Frost Giant… no, that could not be the case; if it were she would already have made her hatred and disgust for him plain. The last time they had talked she had told him that they were not monsters, that they were rational, but she couldn't really believe that.
"May we have somewhere private to discuss matters?" Frigga enquired and Darcy shrugged.
"Sure, I guess you can have my room." Darcy said, and set off down the hall. "I mean, it's not super clean or anything, but Jane and Erik won't have any reason to walk in, and it's better than the bathroom." She pushed open the door and Loki looked round in bemusement at the semi-organised chaos that was Darcy's room. Clothes and other assorted items seemed to be sorted into piles in a way that suggested that there was reasoning for grouping them together, but what the reasoning was, Loki couldn't tell.
"This will be fine, Darcy," Frigga assured her.
"Awesome, is there anything else you need?"
"No, that will be all, thank you,"
"Okay, see you later then," and with that Darcy shut the door and Loki was left in the room with his mother. Loki watched her place her cloak down on the cluttered desk and twist her hands together; he realised with a sinking heart that whatever she wanted to talk about must indeed be very important. His mother was usually the epitome of controlled grace, but now…
"I think, first, I should tell you that I have sworn an oath to give the Jotuns back their Casket," Frigga began, looking him directly in the eyes so Loki could see how serious she was about this.
Loki let out a laugh of pure horror. "Mother, have you completely lost your wits? You cannot do this, you cannot give the Frost Giants their strongest weapon. They are savage murderers and will kill our warriors, they will invade other realms and they will kill women and children. You cannot give these monsters the means to carry out their despicable ways!"
"Loki, the Jotuns are dying," Frigga implored, looking strangely like Loki's words were causing her physical pain. "We cannot keep doing this to them, your father has been killing them, slowly, by taking the Casket away from them, and I cannot allow myself to be complicit in this, not any longer,"
"They are monsters, it matters not that they are dying, they deserve it. They will kill people mother, do you not understand this?" Loki cried frantically.
"They are not." Frigga replied fiercely. "Loki, they are in absolutely no place to mount an effective campaign against any realm and they know it. They do not deserve to be punished for mistakes made over a thousand years ago, people can change. And anyhow, there is so much more to the story of their invasion of Midgard than Odin than Asgard will admit…oh, there is so much I am going to need to tell you tonight…But Loki," she sighed, and Loki was sure that in that moment, despite her being just over a hundred years shy of 3000, that she looked older than the Allfather. "I think you should sit down, because I need to tell you something. And at first you may be very hurt, and confused, and you have every right to be, because I have failed you, and for that I am sorry. But, I hope, in time that you will see that what I am going to tell you proves that Frost Giants are not monsters,"
Loki glanced down at his mother's hands, she was twisting her fingers even more insistently now, her jaw was tight and her eyes held a frazzled look that Loki wasn't sure he'd ever seen before. No, that wasn't true, he mused, he had seen it briefly, from far away, directed at the Allfather.
"Odin said that we should keep this from you, I argued, of course, but I accepted then that he knew best…"
"Mother, you cannot keep saying things like that, if he hears you…" Loki warned her, frowning. Frigga's recent behaviour had been odd, to say in the least. She had always spoken her mind, but, she had never before gone against the Allfather's will so strongly. It was rumoured that Odin could see and hear anything he wished when in the Odinsleep and Loki had discovered that this was, unfortunately, true when Odin had cornered him after his last; so, what did she think she was doing?
Frigga waved her hand dismissively. "I have cast a cloaking spell. But that is beside the point. I will not get out of this unscathed, of this I am sure, so I know that it is best to tell you the truth while I am still able to do so, I cannot make things worse for myself. Loki please sit down," Frigga said suddenly, and Loki lowered himself hesitantly down onto Darcy's bed (it was, perhaps, not proper etiquette, but from what he knew of Darcy he didn't think she would mind). Abruptly, Frigga began to pace in the now slightly larger space, seemingly talking to herself, and Loki's concern for her, and also for what she was about to reveal, grew further. "Perhaps, when I give them the Casket, after Odin wakes up he will go and slaughter them all…but they are dying anyway, like Laufey said, quicker is better…I owe it to them to help…but I digress…Loki, you need to understand that this changes nothing, and that it shows that you are wrong about the Jotuns…"
Loki stared at her in bewilderment as she suddenly grew unnaturally still before looking at him dead in the eyes and saying simply.
"Loki, you are a Frost Giant,"
Loki felt his world collapsing beneath him. She knew, how did she know? It had been so long he supposed he had almost become complacent, a part of him hadn't really expected her to find out. But here she was, his mother, standing in front of him and saying the words of his nightmares. Distantly, he realised that Frigga was still talking.
"…I am sorry…tell you before…changes…"
"When? When did he tell you?" Loki managed to gasp out through the drowning sensation in his head.
"What do you mean?" Frigga asked, and Loki concentrated, trying to form a coherent sentence.
"When did Odin tell you? How long…have you known?"
Frigga let out a confused laugh, and Loki could see an expression of complete perplexion creep across her face.
"I've always known…I knew before the first time I had even held you in my arms…"
At this point Loki burst into nigh hysterical tears. Frigga had known, so this, all of this had been for nothing? Why had he even bothered pretending that he wasn't a monster when he had never fooled her in the first place? Who else knew? Did Thor? Was this all an elaborate ruse? Laugh at the poor, wicked Frost Giant as it futilely tries to be good, to hide what it is. Oh, he must have been so pathetically amusing. Loki felt the mattress next to him sink and he stilled, knowing with absolute certainty that this was the point where his wonderful mother (no, not mother, Loki, stop calling her that) would change. Would she just use her bare hands to beat him as Odin sometimes did, or would she decide to use her magic?
He flinched as she touched him, but his fear partially turned to confusion as he felt her draw him into an embrace. What was she doing? Was this just another cruel (no, not cruel, because Frost Giants are the cruel ones, and they deserve everything they get) trick?
Frigga rocked gently, pulling him close to her, her chin resting on his shoulder. Loki wasn't sure whether he wanted to draw away or make the most of it while it lasted.
"Loki…" Frigga asked hesitantly. "How long have you known?"
Loki forced himself to ignore the confusion he felt with these words and to answer her question. It wouldn't do to stoke extra wrath by ignoring her.
"Since I was 237," Loki whispered hoarsely.
"Oh Loki," he heard Frigga say, her voice full of regret, and he felt something drip onto his shoulder. Was his- was Frigga crying too? "I have failed as a parent, haven't I? We kept this secret from you because we never wanted you to feel different. I knew that I could never shield you from the attitudes of most Asgardians, so perhaps it was better for you not to know… Loki, you must understand that you are my son just as much as Thor and that I love you,"
Loki gave a sort of hiccoughing laugh. He could never be her son as much as Thor, he wasn't even her blood, and he was from an evil race of monsters. Why was she saying this, it didn't make any sense!
"You…mentioned Odin…" Frigga continued, suddenly sounding very alarmed. "Loki, how did you discover that you were a Jotun?"
"I was trying to turn myself into a snake…" Loki explained shakily (and why was she asking for this, did she not already know? Why was she pretending she didn't?) "But I turned myself into my Jotun form instead. Odin…he changed me back,"
Loki jerked away as Frigga jumped to her feet.
"What?" she just about screamed, and Loki drew away from her, watching in confusion as she started pacing in front of him again, sparks of magic seeming to flicker out from her hands. "He knew about this?"
Loki's eyes widened; he had never seen his mother this incensed, nor this out of control in his life, not even when Thor had been 462 and decided that that was a fine age to go slay a bilgesnipe. "He forbade me from telling you, he said it was for the best, he refused to hear any different. I said it would be better if you knew who you were, and that you were loved, because what would happen if you found out by accident? Well, look what did! And Norns know what Odin has been feeding you for centuries, he certainly hasn't been teaching you that Frost Giants are just as good and deserving of love as any Asgardian-"
"Love?" Loki couldn't help but laugh brokenly and Frigga fixed him with the most wretched gaze he had ever seen.
"Yes," she whispered. "Loki you are my son, and you are so very special to me,"
Loki couldn't help the tears that began to slip down his cheeks again. Could this all be real, might she actually accept him, love him? No, she couldn't, no one could. Odin had made that very plain. And if she knew about this, what else did she know about? At once a blazing rage swept through Loki.
"What else did you know, what other secrets have I kept needlessly, pretending that I wasn't a despicable monster?" Frigga opened her moth wordlessly but he ploughed ahead. "Did you know what Svadilfari did to me, Angrboda? What about Sleipnir, Jormungand, Hela, Fenr-"
"Hela?" Frigga snapped, her face draining of colour as she gripped the nearest object – Darcy's chest of drawers. Loki could see her struggling to find words, seemingly distraught. "How do you know about Hela? He wouldn't tell you that. Child murder is hardly-"
"Murder!" Loki interrupted, momentary panic coursing through him before he remembered and forced himself to remain calm. He shook his head slightly in incomprehension. "He can't kill Hela, she's the Goddess of Death…"
Frigga ran a hand through her uncharacteristically unperfect hair and looked at him wildly, and Loki found that this terrified him. He wasn't sure who this woman was, but she couldn't possibly be his mother. "No, she wasn't," she cried. "I know she wasn't, I can feel it in my soul that she wasn't, and then he…he…"
"Mother," Loki said firmly. "What has Odin done to my child?"
"Your child?" Frigga stared at him in crazed bewilderment. "No…Hela was my child…my second born,"
Loki was sure that they both understood at the same time. "You told me once that if you had a girl you would name her Hela," Loki said slowly. "So, I did, I named her Hela. I had hoped…" he took a deep breath, steadying himself. "That even if she were unnatural, you would be proud of her. I did hope that you would have been proud of all my children…"
"You have children?" Frigga breathed. "Not only was I unaware of one I was unaware of them all! What has he done with them? If he has-"
"They are alive," Loki said shortly.
"But, how, how did I not know?"
"I ran away," Loki replied. "I did not want you to know, because how could you love a creature like me? Because I needed to protect my children. But he found me, both times he found me and I…I couldn't stop him… He said that no one needed to know, that he would allow me to keep up the charade if I would just behave… but I never could 'behave'." Loki laughed bitterly, taking in his mother's expression of horror and regret. She just stared at Loki, seemingly unable to move. "What happened to your Hela?" he asked quietly and Frigga instantly seemed to come back to life again.
"He killed her, he killed her right in front of me and I couldn't…" his mother sobbed and suddenly they were embracing again. "Oh, what has he done to us…"
Loki wasn't sure what to say, he just clung to Frigga like she had saved him from drowning. And she had, he supposed. He had expected hatred, revulsion, dismissal and pain, but his mother hadn't abandoned him, she had always known the truth, and she seemed to be on his side. Loki wasn't entirely sure this wasn't just a very strange dream. But when Odin finds out…Loki suppressed a shiver, when Odin finds out there'll be no saving either of us.
"He had no right to do that to you, no right," Frigga hissed fiercely and Loki frowned. His mother was expressing some very strange opinions today.
"Mother," he said gently, because he really needed to get her to stop saying such things against Odin. "My children were shapeshifting monsters, and Hela was fated to destroy Asgard. He did what he had to…"
"I'll destroy Asgard," Frigga declared vehemently. "Hela won't even be necessary. I will destroy everything that Odin has built,"
"Mother please stop saying things like this!" Loki cried, taking her by the shoulders and looking seriously into her eyes. "Odin will not tolerate such threats against him,"
Frigga suddenly looked like she had remembered something.
"Loki, I meant to ask earlier, but it did not seem like the appropriate time - has Odin ever hit you?"
Loki almost laughed, Odin had done so much worse than merely hitting him. In fact, he was lucky if that was all he deserved. Instead, he nodded hesitantly. He hadn't wanted Frigga to find out that he was a wicked monster who always got things wrong, but he supposed she knew that anyway.
To his surprise, Frigga seemed incensed at this. "How often, and when did he last harm you?"
Loki wasn't sure how to answer, he wasn't sure if he wanted to. He couldn't tell Frigga of his failures, not when she seemed to still care for him and was apparently unbothered by the fact that he was an evil Frost Giant.
"Loki, please…" his mother begged. "I need to know, I need to know how much I failed to protect you…"
Loki grimaced, then rolled up his sleeve, showing her a small burn mark on the inside of his right arm.
"What?" Frigga asked hesitantly.
"It was much bigger than this before," he explained quietly, looking away. "Odin burned my arm a few weeks ago. He said that he really should use ice, not fire, but there was nothing he could do about that and the effects were the same. He said that if I wanted to act like a Frost Giant I should have a taste of my own medicine,"
"I will slay him where he sleeps!" Frigga exclaimed, and Loki flinched away from her slightly.
"No, mother, you cannot do something so rash! You would not get away with that, how could you even think such a thing!" Loki said in horror, unsure of what had got into his mother. "It was a reasonable action, I deserved it, I damaged one of Odin's manuscripts when I fell into his desk,"
It didn't matter, he supposed, that he wouldn't have fallen into Odin's desk and knocked his inkwell over, had Odin not backhanded him for…what was it again? Oh yes, accidentally tricking a few ambassadors from Vanaheim, that had been it.
"Loki," Frigga said softly, embracing him. "You are our son,"
"But I'm not, I am a monster" Loki replied, barely daring to speak the words to contradict her. He didn't want to lose her affection.
"You are my son Loki," she assured him. "You are as much my child as Thor is or Hela was, and you always will be. Odin's actions were cruel and disproportionate, and I am sorry that I was unable to protect you, that I did not look harder to see what was in front of me." She sighed. "Loki, you are not a monster, you are kind, intelligent and talented and I love you. The Jotuns are not monsters either, Odin has poisoned your head with lies-"
"Mother, please, it is not only Odin who claims that, all other Asgardians know that the Jotuns are vicious beasts!" Loki said. It wasn't that he wanted Frigga to hate him, not exactly, more that he couldn't bear the thought of all these years of suffering for no reason.
"Loki, we fought a war against them, and many from both sides died. You are intelligent, try to think about the reasons we view them as such. They killed people's family, shield brothers, of course they will be angry with them, will hate them. And others, who feared killing them, who regret it, need it to be justified, as killing a monster is more palatable than killing a man." Frigga sighed. "I can see that it will be difficult for you to change your mind, but answer me this: your children, Loki, do you really see them as monsters?"
"Of course," Loki replied without hesitating, then added: "but that does not matter, it does not mean that I do not love them,"
From Frigga's expression Loki could tell that that was not quite the answer that she had hoped for. "At least that is a start," she said. "Loki, I want you to think very carefully about yourself, about your children, and about the Frost Giants. I hope one day you will see that you are not monsters,
"Now, as much as I would like to stay, I must return soon. I need to convince Thor to help me and prepare to hand over the Casket to Laufey. Also, the longer I cloak myself the less Heimdall will trust me, and I feel that he already knows that I have taken the Throne from Thor, and fear what he will do in the name of Odin,"
Loki's heart fell at the thought of his mother leaving so soon, but he nodded in understanding. "Heimdall is not one to cross," he agreed. "He is loyal to Odin to a fault, and has never trusted me,"
"That makes both of us," Frigga said drily and Loki gave a weak smile.
"Now," Frigga said seriously. "We do not have long, tell me everything you know about the whereabouts of your children,"
I hope you enjoyed that!
Next up (finally back to Saturdays as I will not be away this weekend): the group go to the Malibu mansion and get sciencing!
