As a man Part 8

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE.

Ranger's POV

I have only told one other person what happened in this room. And I can't describe how drunk I had to be to do that. I always thought this was something that I would take to my grave. Now it is time, it is time for me to stop existing as a ghost and start living life as a man. I am afraid, afraid that she will no longer see me as her super hero, her Batman. She thinks that I am larger than life and stronger than anyone, what she would think if she knew that I am still wake up terrified in the middle of the night? I just can hide it better than most. What if she questions my sexuality? It would be a valid question because I was a little confused about it for years. Until I accepted what was done to me and what I could do, had nothing to do with my preferences.

I take a deep breath and tell her the same tale I told Tank all those years ago. Telling her things that Tank did not know about how my sister would sometimes sit at the bottom of the stairs and watch without saying a word. I would beg her to make him stop when he was beating me and she never moved a muscle. She never participated, but she had front row seats to my humiliation. I knew when she was there because he would keep up a commentary; he never did when we were alone.

"Isn't he pretty Ari, you could never be this pretty."

"Do you want to hear him cry honey; is that what you came for?"

I know that she was afraid; I didn't know what he did to her to force her to come down there. We never spoke of it, I couldn't forget it and then she died without ever being able to give me any answers.

When I finish, I look into her eyes, they are filled with tears. She doesn't look away, just holds my gaze and touches my face. I lean into her touch, I crave her touch, and it always calms and centers me.

"Ranger… Carlos, I always knew that you were strong, but I never really knew how strong you were until now. For someone to come out of the hell you did, and to be half the man you are would be amazing. But to be the person you are, I am truly grateful to know you and proud to love you."

I sit there just silent for a second, amazed by this woman before me. She has heard some of the worst things in my life and still she says she loves me. There was no doubt in her voice, no hesitation in her eyes. She loves me.

"Babe, you are amazing, I have never felt love like yours in my life and I want to be with you. Not just in my own way, but in every way you will allow. I know it will take some work and there are things that will need to happen on both of our sides to make it work. But I am willing to do that. I know it bothers you that I live so much in my head and I am willing to try to get any help that I need so I can let you in."

I glance over at Tank and he has a small grin on his face. He has been after me to talk to someone for years. I haven't been ready because I knew that this would kill my army career. I would no longer be "psychologically fit" for missions. That could not happen because what would I have done then, but I am done, my contract is up, it can happen now. I know Tank has been worried about the continued risks of the missions and my willingness to continually up the ante on the danger. And to be truthful, I was concerned myself. I was starting to leap into things with only the safety of others in mind. Not fearlessness, just lack of self-preservation.

What in my life did I have? Was what I was doing really considered living, or just existing? I keep everyone at arm's length, I had no real connection to another living soul, and I couldn't allow it. I have a daughter I am afraid to allow to know me; I don't think I would be good for her. Without any real parents me, I am unsure how to parent and I did not want to cause her any harm. What would I say when she started to ask questions about her past, her family? I would never allow them to meet her, as much as I love Jason as a brother; he is a part of the cancer in this house. A cancer I am unwilling to spread. He is so much older than me and he did nothing. He couldn't have been ignorant to the evil that took place in this house. He lived here for years after I left, there had to be some knowledge of everything that was wrong. Even if all he knew about was the verbal abuse, because no one bothered to hide that, he still said nothing. I don't blame him. There is still some anger for his inaction.

I am angry all of the time, you couldn't tell by looking, but underneath everything I do is this all consuming rage. I have remarkable self control. It is so tiring, to never be able to relax, never be able to let your guard down. Sleeping for only three hours at a time before I wake up, hyper alert and cannot go back to sleep for the night. That is why sometimes I end up at Stephanie's at odd times of the morning, because I can rest just listening to the sound of her breathing.

Something has to change; if not then Thomas would have really won. He would have broken me, like he promised when I was younger.

"I will break you, boy; you will be begging me for this one day."

I will be damned if I let that happen.

Steph grabs my hand and says "Let's get this done; we have a future to get to."

Tank heads up the stairs, I glance back at the room that I lost my child hood in. If I could burn it down I would. I never plan to return to this place and head up myself, with Stephanie right behind me. For some reason Tank stops short in the door way, I go to push him out of the way and Thomas is standing there.

Yes I am leaving it there. This was a hard chapter for me to write for some reason. I hope it conveyed my point about Ranger and how that love alone will not fix this.

As always I love feedback and appreciate any comments, questions or ideas given to me. If I can make the idea fit, I try to use it. (The part about Arielle was a suggestion, which made sense)

The next chapter will be the confrontation with Thomas, told from Jason's POV.