Well, I got my 80 reviews, so here is an update. Thanks for all the reviews :).
Okay, so this chapter was written a bit differently than the others. A little more angst.
I've doubled the length, so I think thats saying something.
*Remember cancer changes the way a person thinks and wants to live their life.
Two Weeks Later...
Elliot sat on the couch with Olivia's head in his lap. Her eyes had closed a few minutes ago, and her breathing evened out. She look exhausted, and he wished he could do more for her. He strokes her hair out of her face, trying to remember when it had become normal to touch her, or for him to spend so much time together with him. He replays the beginning part of his day out over and over in his mind. It was Olivia's third chemotherapy treatment, and it was pure hell. Olivia and Elliot had went and talked to the doctor weeks ago, and had gotten everything straightened out with the surgery. She was going to go through with it, thank God, is what Elliot had thought when she told him.
The only downside to the surgery was that Olivia couldn't be scheduled for at least another three months. Considering her tumor was slow growing she'd have to wait until the next available slot. So in turn for waiting she would have chemo to help relieve her symptoms. As Olivia shifted her head slightly on his lap he couldn't help but remember what had happened a few weeks ago between them. They had shared a kiss, and Elliot had tried to confess his real feelings to her, but she had refused to listen. Leave it to Olivia though to make everything more difficult than what it had to be. He was just waiting for her flight instincts to kick in.
Elliot was brought out of his thoughts when Olivia was up and out of his lap, hurrying towards the bathroom. Elliot bolted up and went to follow her only to have the bathroom door thrown shut in his face. He knew she hated when she had to show him any weakness. "Livia? I'm going to come in."
Elliot had seen her like this before, he always took her to her appointments and always made sure she made it back home before round of nausea hit her. She felt him kneel down beside her, move her hair from her neck and place a cool rag on top of it. She was internally grateful for all that he did, but she never let him that. She'd never needed anyone before. It had always just been her, not even her own mother had wanted to take care of her.
After he was certain she was done, he helped her up, handed her her toothbrush and went to grab her some clothes to change into since he was fairly certain the ones she had one were making her a little warm. He returned to the bathroom with a pair of shorts and a tank top. She nodded thankfully and closed the door behind him. She came out and he helped guide her into bed, she was out before she even hit the pillow. Elliot placed a gentle kiss on her forehead and whispered, " I love you Liv, and pretty soon here, I'm going to prove it to you."
Elliot left Olivia a note by her bedside saying that he ran out to run some errands and that he would be back soon. Elliot found himself in front of his old house. He wanted to talk to Kathy before she heard about Olivia any other way. Elliot knocked and waited for Kathy to answer the door.
"Hey El." She spoke rather questionably, "you do know the kids are at school right?" Elliot nodded, and Kathy stepped back to let him in. She took in his appearance and noticed that he looked a little worse for the wear. "Everything okay Elliot?"
Elliot just nodded, trying to phrase what he wanted to say in his head. "Not sure about that answer El...come on," she lead him into the kitchen, "can I get ya anything?"
"Yeah, coke or something is fine. Thanks Kath." He replied finally speaking.
"Look, not that I mind you dropping by or anything, but can I ask why?" She spoke as she handed him his drink.
"Yeah, I just wanted to talk to you about a couple things..."
Olivia woke up refreshed, and saw the note Elliot left and couldn't help but feel a bit empty. Olivia felt like she was going crazy. One minute she was fine and the next she felt like she was going to lose it. The more time Olivia spent alone the more she felt insecure about herself. She knew she was going to get better, but at what cost? A surgery that left an ugly amount of scars? Chemotherapy that left her with no hair, no skin complexion, and no body weight? She kissed Elliot weeks ago and was still thinking about how stupid it was. She let herself feel happiness and it wasn't going to last. She dropped down on the bed and picked up the phone. She figured Elliot would be out for a while otherwise he wouldn't have left a note. She decided to give Casey a call.
"Hello." a friendly voice sounded.
"Hey Case, I know its your day off and everything, but I haven't seen ya in awhile, and I could use some girl time." Olivia said trying to sound upbeat.
"Liv, its real good to hear from you, how have you been doing? The guys said you haven't been in much." Casey asked, even though she didn't want to hear real details on the other woman's sickness. Seeing someone as tough as Olivia going through something like this was hard for her to watch.
"I've been fine, thanks for asking..." A beat passed, "So I don't want to intrude but its almost noon, and I haven't eaten anything. How about I stop by with pizza and we can catch up?" She suggested.
"Sounds good Liv, mushrooms please. See ya in about twenty." And with that Casey hung up the phone. Olivia placed a note in the kitchen just in case Elliot came back, and went out the door.
*
Olivia arrived about half an hour later, and knocked on the door. "Sorry, traffic was bad, guess I coulda tried to plan around the lunch hour rush." Olivia said with a slight smile.
Casey pulled her friend into a hug, the pizza forgotten about. After a few seconds Casey pulled back and moved aside to let Olivia in. Olivia set the pizza on the counter and Casey took the opportunity to look at her friend. She looked a bit run down, but that was expected, she looked a little skinner, her skin a bit paler. But the real shock was the eyes. If there was any way to tell Olivia Benson's feelings it was through her eyes. And right now they showed sadness, and as much as Casey hated to say it...insecurity.
Casey got a few plates out and some bottled water and sat with Olivia on the couch. They talked about little things that were going on. How work was for Casey, what Olivia was doing on her leave time. Casey sensed the whole half hour her friend had been there that Olivia had a different motive, other than to make small talk, in coming here.
"Liv, was there something you wanted to talk about?" Casey said broaching the subject carefully. Olivia looked up, and Casey knew she was right.
"Yes...I mean no. I just -" Olivia bit off.
"Well, what one? Yes or no?" Casey smiled.
Olivia sighed in relief, happy that her friend was trying to ease the awkward conversation she knew was approaching. "I just, I wanted someone other than Elliot to talk to yanoo? Not that he isn't an amazing listener, theres just certain things that I can't talk to him about."
"I understand completely, and you know that I'm here for you Liv."
"I know, and thanks." Olivia smiled, "I just feel so down, and I can't shake it."
"What do you mean?" Casey asked, almost shocked that Olivia was actually going to talk about something personal.
"I mean, this whole mess its thrown everything out of whack. Its like I can't keep up. Elliot and I are so complicated right now its a shame."
"Liv, I talked to El the other day and he said you two were doing great?" Casey was confused.
"I know, hes been great. But hes got it wrong. He doesn't want me Casey, the sickness its...its clouding his judgment. What sane person would want to go through if they didn't have to?"
"A person who loves you Livia. You need to stop over thinking everything, and just let him take care of you."
"Kathy, Olivia is sick. She has cancer."
"Oh my goodness, is she going to be okay? How is she?" Kathy said surprised.
"Shes been okay for the most part. But I really just wanted to warn you that I'm planning on helping her in every way I can with this..."
"Elliot, we are divorced." Kathy chuckled out.
"I know, but when you were with other people after the divorce it still kinda...well you know, stung." He said getting flushed, he felt a little embarrassed. Why would he thin that Kathy would care what he was doing with Olivia?
"I know El, but I've seen the way you are with her. Yeah, it stings a little, but I've come to terms with everything that has happened, and I want the both of you to be happy." Kathy finished.
Elliot was about to respond when his cellphone went off, he looked at the ID and it flashed Casey, "Just a sec, Kath." Kathy nodded and stepped out of the room to give Elliot some privacy.
"Hello." Elliot said into the phone.
"El? It's Case." Casey sounded upset and that immediately put Elliot on edge.
"Whats the matter Casey?" Elliot's heart pounded, his thoughts jumping to Olivia.
"Look, Liv was here...and we were talking. But she got real down on herself, and shes not feeling to good about all thats going on." Elliot listened as Casey filled him in on her and Olivia's conversation. Elliot felt a pang of regret in his chest. He wanted to make this easy on Olivia, not more stressful.
"Okay Casey, I'm heading to her place now. Is she there?"
"I don't know, she rushed out of here about ten minutes. She asked me not to say anything to you, but I thought you should know." Casey finished.
"Okay, thanks Casey. I'll give ya a call later and tell you how shes doing."
*
Elliot showed up at Olivia's apartment and she was nowhere to be found. He tried her cell and it kept going to voice mail. He was starting to get worried. The worry soon turned into anger. She always did this, why couldn't she understand that she is worthy of care too? Why couldn't she just do anything for herself. Olivia did nothing to bring herself any joy. Well he was going to change that no matter what.
Olivia walked in the apartment about an hour later and found Elliot on the couch. She knew he was there, his car was out front. She walked into the living room waiting for him to say something to her, she could see that he was mad, but couldn't figure out why.
"You could have picked up your phone." His tone was harsh.
"I was just driving around, I didn't know I had to report to you all of a sudden." Olivia said defensively.
"Yeah, well you after your little chat with Casey you had us both worried."
Remind me to kill her, Olivia thought."I don't need your crap Elliot, I'm going to have a shower, and I'm pretty sure you should be gone when I get out." Olivia's nerves were all wired, she was pissed off at him for thinking that he owned her. She didn't have to tell him shit.
Olivia walked down the hallway, not expecting Elliot to follow her. "Why Olivia? Why is it that anytime someone gets close to you, you push them back away! You don't let yourself live at all you know that?"
Olivia turned around to face him, "shut-up Elliot." Her voice low and menacing. She turned to walk away but Elliot gripped her arm.
"We aren't done." He replied.
"Look, I'm sorry I worried you. It won't happen again," she was too tired to fight.
"Yeah, I'm sure." He replied sarcastically.
"You know what, I don't need the attitude. Maybe you should just leave. You know, I do believe you have your own house." Olivia said.
"Not going to happen honey, and you know it. And for the record, I'm not too happy with your attitude either."
"Whats the big deal. Elliot, I'm sick, not invalid. Last I checked I was still allowed to go out by myself."
"Olivia, I know you. I know whats going on in that head of yours. You can't stand the fact that someone may actually feel something for you. You think that by accepting help your weak." Elliot said to her looking her in the eyes. "This is a bigger problem than you being sick Olivia. You think your unworthy of love, and so your trying to your damnedest not to get it."
"Your nuts." She bit back. Good comeback Olivia?"Really? Lets see, when was the last date you had? When was the last time you even talked to a guy you didn't already know? You come home alone Olivia, and you wake up alone. The only way to have someone is to let them be there for you. If thats not setting yourself up for failure I don't know what is..." he rattled off.
"A series of mis fortunate events." Her voice cracked.
"You deny yourself pleasure Olivia." He apparently wasn't done.
"What do you care Elliot." She cried, "What does it matter to you? Huh?"
"This" Elliot said, his voice dangerously low. Then he pushed her up against her hallway wall, slid his hand along the side of her neck, and covered her mouth his.
Okay guys. So I realize that its a bit different. But I didn't want the whole story with just her illness, cancer affects more than just physically. Hope you understand.
Like it? Love it? Hate it? Please let me know..
TBC?
