Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended.

Huge thanks to Gredelina1, Augustmoon99, Chaynne212 and Arrr for pre-reading this chapter.

This chapter is dedicated to Nickeyd26 for her Jacob project suggestion of a human catapult. We spent a happy half hour imagining Jacob being launched into the pacific.


Chapter 7 Assume, makes an Ass out of U and Me.

Peter POV

Don't care!

She said she didn't care. What the fuck?

This is not how it is supposed to work. She's my mate! It's meant to be an instant attraction, an unbreakable bond, not this fucked-up denial.

I had it all planned out. We were supposed to be snuggling in bed by now after some awesome mating sex. Instead, I was storming through the woods venting my frustration on the landscape. I had created a nice clearing already. I could plant some flowers and make a meadow. Fuck. This damn mating thing was beginning to turn me into a pansy-ass bitch like Edward.

I was sick of this shit.

I was going to go back to the Cullen house, pack up my stuff, and get the hell out of here. I hoped Edward had found something else to amuse him. If he started screwing with me today, he was going to lose a limb.

As I walked, I planned. I would head to Vegas, do some damage at the casino, hit a strip club and maybe catch the Penn and Teller show — those fuckers were damn hilarious. I needed to have a proper hunt too, get that damn deer blood out of my system. I swear it was screwing with my mind already. I should have stuck with humans. If I'd introduced myself with red eyes, she wouldn't have brushed me off so damn fast.

'No, she'd have run away screaming' a voice whispered in the back of my mind.

Now I was hearing voices! I was right; the vegetarian diet is bad for your health. I needed to find myself a suitably vile member of society to snack on before I ended up as crazy as the Cullens.

I sped up my pace. I wanted to get out of here before Jasper could get out of school and try and stop me. That fucker had a lot to answer for. He was an empath; he knew she was like this. Why the fuck didn't he warn me?

My phone beeped with an incoming message — DON'T LEAVE! IT WILL BE OK, PROMISE. WAIT FOR US TO GET HOME. WE NEED TO TALK! - ALICE x

Damn Alice and her all-knowing mystic routine. She was full of crap. I ignored the fact my own 'gift' had been equally useless at predicting Bella's reaction.

Resisting the urge to crush the phone, I stuffed it back in my pocket. How could it be okay? My mate had walked away from me, completely uninterested. What the fuck was I supposed to do now? I needed Charlotte. She would understand.

'Then phone her dumb-fuck.' That damn voice was back, though I had to admit it had good ideas. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and speed-dialed Charlotte.

"Hello," Char's voice greeted.

"Hey, babe, you missing me?" I asked.

"Hey, Pete." She sounded genuinely pleased to hear from me, which made me feel a little better. "I miss you like crazy, hon, although I advise against any visits for a while. Tanya is not pleased about the Ming Dynasty vase you broke when you were here."

"I didn't break the damn vase. She did!" I replied, indignantly. I hadn't touched the damn thing. "She broke it when she lobbed it at me after the closet misunderstanding." What did she think, that it'd bounce of my granite skin perfectly intact? Women.

"Misunderstanding!" a voice screeched in the background. Tanya. Just what I needed to make my day even more perfect. "You were lurking in the damn closet with your hand on Lil' Pete, watching us. How exactly did we misunderstand the situation, Peter?"

First Emmett, now Tanya. What did I have to do to show these people that it's 'Big' not 'Lil Pete', walk around naked? That might work. Maybe I should have been pant-less and red-eyed for my meeting with Bella. The red eyes may have scared her off, but Big Pete would have brought her right back again.

'Hell yeah it would.' Oh crap, the voice was back.

"You still there?" Charlotte asked.

"Will you fuck off already?" I growled. I was sick of this damn voice. It may have some good ideas, but I was seriously concerned for my long-term mental health.

"Well, that's just charming." Oops, I forgot Charlotte was still on the phone.

"Sorry, babe. I wasn't talking to you,"

"Who were you talking to? Is Jasper there? Put him on; I want to say hi."

"Umm… I was talking to some homeless bum on the side of the road. He was being a little overzealous, and he was getting on my nerves." I was not about to admit to the fact I mistook her voice for the voice in my head that had been pestering me. She'd think I was crazy.

"Well that's not nice, Pete. Give the poor guy a few dollars. You know you can't eat him anyway. Dr. Fang would lose his shit if you hunted in their town."

"Yeah, about that, how are you getting on with the 'vegetarian diet', any side effects?" I questioned. Maybe she heard voices, too.

"It's not too bad. Polar Bear is good, deer is foul, but it's worth it for my Tanya."

"Tell me about it," I groaned, "Deer blood is fucking disgusting"

"Hang on, you're drinking animal blood already? I figured you'd be skipping out of Forks for hunts. You get desperate?"

"Well no. I kinda found my mate and—" My words were cut off by her high-pitched squealing; it sounded like a bunch of rabid monkeys had got hold of her phone. I couldn't make out much of what she was saying but the gist seemed to be questions about the who, how, and when of my mating.

It was like the floodgates were opened and the whole sorry tale poured out. Seeing Bella, her screwed-up deal with Edward, her shunning me, and my frustration. I even told her about the tampon incident...

"So now I'm off to Vegas," I finished.

"So now you're off to Vegas," she repeated in that weird, scary voice she used when she was extremely pissed. I hadn't heard it since the time she caught me using her vintage silk blouse to polish the paintwork of The General. Despite my explanation of the benefits of the silk as a chamois, she wasn't amused, and she withheld kinky time for a solid month as punishment.

"Umm, yeah," I replied, "Well it's not like it's doing me any good to hang around here if she's not interested."

"Okay, now understand that I say this because I love you." Well now I was nervous. "WHAT THE FUCK, PETER! YOU FIND YOUR MATE, AND AFTER ONE ATTEMPT AT CONVERSATION, YOU FUCKING QUIT!"

Well, when you say it like that, it does sound bad.

"Here let me talk to him,' I heard Tanya say. Oh shit, here we go...

I heard the sound of the phone being handed over and the nasal voice of Tanya came onto the line. "Hey, Fucknut. What's this I hear about you and Edward's human being mates?"

"She's not Edward's anything," I growled. "And how the hell do you know about her? What did he tell you?"

"He told me nothing," she said. "Emmett called and filled me in on all the details. So what's the deal with this girl, anyway? She must be something special to have two vampires losing their minds over her."

I could hear Charlotte raging in the background. She was using her full repertoire of cuss words, and I decided on reflection that talking to Tanya, despite the fact she was a pain in the ass, may actually be the better option.

"She is amazing, but also a bitch. She barely acknowledged me today when I introduced myself and—"

I was cut off by a feral-sounding growl and Charlotte's voice saying, "Give me the damn phone. I'm going to talk some sense into that stupid shit."

'This is not good' the voice piped up again. No shit, Sherlock!

"So you're just going to give up?" Charlotte was back and using that scary voice again.

"Char, she said she didn't care." I hurried to defend myself. "How would you feel if Tanya had responded to your mating with 'Don't care'?"

"Well, dumbass, I'd have given some thought to the fact she's human and from what you told me, she's been pestered by Edward for weeks. Then, as she's sitting on the ground after falling on her ass, you come and dick around with her tampon. I bet you even tried it on with the southern charm too, right?"

How the fuck did she do that?

"Maybe," I said hesitantly, "So what am I supposed to do now? She didn't even want to know my name, Char!"

"You're overthinking this, Pete. You managed to charm me, and I was a blood-crazed newborn at the time. At least she won't bite."

I rubbed one of the scars on my forearm. It was one of my first from Charlotte. I doubted Bella would be charmed by my dropping an unconscious human at her feet and telling her to have at it. Nope, this definitely needed some thought.

"What else do you know about her?" Charlotte interrupted my musings.

"Well, she smells great, kinda like vanilla and honey. It reminds me of home," I said wistfully, "She's beautiful, too. She has long dark hair and—"

"Yep, she's a hottie, I got that," she cut in. "But what do you know about her as a person?"

"Well she seems pretty intelligent. She had a copy of The Bell Jar in her bag. She had a sketch pad and a guitar pick, so I think she's artistic, too."

"That's a good start. You need to do a little research. Have you ever read The Bell Jar?"

"Hell no! Isn't it about some crazy writer chick?"

I heard her sigh heavily. What did I do now?

"Okay, your first order of business is to go read The Bell Jar. If no one there has a copy, go to a bookstore and get one."

"Right, pick up a copy of the crazy chick book. What else?" I asked eagerly.

"That'll do for now," she said patiently.

"Okay then. Thanks, Char."

"Take care, Pete. I'll talk to you later."

I hung up feeling much better about the situation. I headed back towards the town. I needed a bookstore.

I noticed the trees thinning and a familiar scent in the air, Bella. What the fuck was she doing here? I followed the trail and realised I was at the edge of the school grounds. How the hell did I end up here?

As I approached the school, I attempted to follow her scent. It was mixed with the stench of hundreds of teens. Did they not have soap in Forks?

I caught another familiar scent and it was not a welcome one: Edward. Apparently, he had quit brooding in his bedroom and returned to his favourite pastime of stalking. I found him perched in a tree peering in a window. This was when my scentless ability came in handy.

I scaled the neighbouring tree and poised to leap. The dumbass hadn't even noticed my presence. He was too absorbed with the view.

I unblocked my thoughts. 'I see you're still as creepy as ever.'

He turned and jumped when he saw me crouched on the adjacent branch, giving me a scrutinizing stare.

"Peter," he grumbled.

"Care to explain why you're still stalking my mate like a freak?" I asked.

"I find it amazing after her display this morning you would still be assuming she is yours," he said with a smug smile. Of course the freak would have come out of his sulk long enough to watch my epic failure at courting Bella.

"Look, asshole, I admit things didn't go as I'd hoped this morning, but she is my mate. I know that, and sooner or later she will too." I sounded pretty convincing; talking to Charlotte had done the trick.

"And how exactly are you planning to develop any kind of relationship with her? If you haven't noticed, it's not like you have anything in common. She is a seventeen-year-old schoolgirl. You planning on enrolling, too? I don't think Forks High has an adult education program." The ass really thought he was funny. "You were what... thirty when you were changed?"

"I was twenty-four, fucker," I growled. "Not all of us can be eternal teens. You're still classed as an immortal child aren't you?"

His response was cut off by the sound of the shrill ring of the school bell. I hopped down from the tree and approached the school, Edward following closely behind.

As I got closer, I could hear the humans inside, rummaging through their bags and sliding their lunch trays.

I found a window with a view into the cafeteria. Remaining hidden behind a bush, I searched for Bella. It was like feeding time on a pig farm. It seemed that parents no longer taught their offspring manners. They were all chomping their disgusting food with open mouths as they discussed who would be their next fuck.

It only took a moment to narrow down on Bella. She was walking with a girl that looked like she applied her makeup with a trowel. It did at least draw attention away from her hair which made her look like she a recently licked a power outlet. She bore a striking resemblance to Cyndi Lauper.

Edward came to my side and tried to nudge me out of the way. To an onlooker, we would look like a pair of ten-year-old boys fighting over a copy of Playboy.

He let a growl slip when I nudged him back away from me with my elbow.

"I suggest you cut the shit, Edward, before I give you something to growl about." I gave him no room for misinterpretation in my expression. He would learn to respect me or I would end him.

I watched Bella collect a tray of food and move towards a table. She glanced at the table seating the other Cullens with a contemplative look. Jasper was attempting to calm Alice. She seemed eager to go speak to Bella.

From what I could gather of their conversation, Alice had 'seen' them being friends and was eager to get started on the relationship. The very idea made me shudder. If Jasper didn't control the munchkin, I would. I wasn't going to let Alice and her psycho/psychic visions screw up my relationship with Bella.

'Nope, you're quite capable of doing that one your own,' the damn voice piped in. I ignored it.

"Hey, Jessica, can you tell me a bit more about the Cullens?" Bella asked the Lauper look-alike.

My curiosity was piqued. This was a good thing, right? She had to be interested in me if she was asking about the Cullens. It couldn't be coincidence that the day she saw me she asked about them, could it?

"Why, you interested in one of them?" the girl asked with interest. She wasn't the only one. Edward was holding his breath and even Rosalie had stopped admiring her reflection to await the answer. We were all eager for her response.

"Yeah, the blonde is kind of hot," Bella said.

I growled low in my throat as my fingernails dug into the brick exterior. Fucking Jasper! I was going to kill him! Brother or not, he was going down.

"Alice says she's not serious, and dismembering Jasper is not a good idea," Edward hissed. Like that was going to help! I didn't give a fuck if it was a bad idea. He was going to...

"And Bella would be upset," he added, breaking my train of thought. I relaxed slightly. This damn mating pull was throwing me all out of whack. I felt a little ashamed of my reaction.

I turned my attention back to the conversation in the cafeteria. "Yeah, but he's taken. Jasper is with Alice."

"Him!" Bella said, looking horrified. "Eww. Not the guy, the tall leggy blonde girl."

'Oh shit', the voice announced. Oh shit, was right. I'd had enough. This shit was fucking too much. I couldn't stick around to hear anything else. I needed to go. I didn't even care where I went, just not here.

I tore apart the landscape around me as I made my way back towards the Cullen mansion. I would stay long enough to give Jasper a proper goodbye then I was out of here.

Screw Charlotte and her advice. I had reached my limit.

I had been pacing the lounge, resisting the urge to put my fist through the wall for two hours, waiting for Jasper and the others to get home.

Esme was sitting on the couch, flipping through an interior design magazine. I don't know why she bothered. The whole house was varying shades of cream, as were all the other Cullen homes I had visited over the years. She was not breaking out of that habit anytime soon.

I heard the car pull into the drive, and at the same moment, Edward strolled through the back door.

Alice flitted in and came to my side. "I know you're upset but—"

"UPSET?" I shouted. "Of course I'm fucking upset. My mate wants nothing to do with me! Rosalie has more chance of getting close to her than I do!"

Rosalie smiled smugly. I was not usually given to hitting women, but if she fucked with me right now, I may make an exception.

"Peter, you've got it all wrong," Jasper said. "She is not remotely attracted to Rosalie."

Rosalie huffed, but I ignored her. Jasper was pumping out the shiny-happy-people mojo and that, coupled with his reassurances, had curbed my desire for violence... For now at least.

"One thing you need to know about Bella is that she's not a social person."

"Well duh! I figured that much out for myself."

He shot me a wry look and continued. "That conversation she had with Jessica today was the most interaction I've seen her have with another person since she arrived." He turned to Edward. "You've spent more time observing her than any of us. Back me up here. She is not easy to get to know, is she?"

Edward seemed to be considering his answer. If he fucked with me, I was going to take him out. Despite his effeminate nature, he was not a woman, and I had no qualms about smacking the shit out of him.

"Jasper's right," he finally admitted. "Other than with her father, and that is a fairly silent relationship, I have not seen her talk with anyone. She seems to keep to herself."

"You just need to engage her one-on-one," Alice said. "I'm sure she'd be more open to you if she wasn't in front of an audience. Especially an audience that is roaring with laughter at the fact she had just fallen on her ass." She gave Emmett pointed look. He adopted a rueful expression and stayed silent.

She made sense. I was willing to entertain the idea. But how the hell was I going to get alone time with someone who didn't want me around.

"Okay, Alice," I said with a smile. "Teach me the terms of engagement for dealing with Bella Swan."

She grinned evilly and then slipped into a vision. She snapped out of it with a smile. "I know exactly what we need to do."

An hour later our plans were made. Using Alice's visions and Jasper's innate cunning, we'd finally plotted out my next move.

Now all I had to do was wait.

"Here," Alice said as she dropped a book into my lap. "Something for you to read while you wait."

I glanced down and saw she had given me a copy of The Bell Jar.

Oh well, here goes nothing...


Thank you to everyone who had a suggestion for Jacob's project. We were a little surprised by how many of you thought Jacob should be building a sex-bot. You guys have really filthy minds. Of course we have a new question for you...

Peter thinks that he will get some insight into Bella's mind by reading The Bell Jar. We disagree, what book do you think he should read to get a better understanding of her mind?