READERS: I tried to just get this over with, but this time, it was Edgar that wouldn't let me.
Edgar felt the first swat to his backside and he couldn't help but gasp softly. It wasn't that hard at all but he hadn't been ready for it considering his big brother just told him, in his own way, that he loved him. Sig never said stuff like that. It was surprising and made him feel mushy inside and he didn't want to feel all mushy right now because he just wanted to take this punishment from his brother the best that he could. He buried his face into the nook of his elbow and was ready for the second and following swats. He took them quietly and respectfully, affording his brother the same respect he had always given their father. Honestly, he was relieved that all this had started so that they could stop talking about all this mushy stuff and he could take his punishment, getting it over with as quickly as possible.
Sig watched carefully what he was doing as well as keeping an eye on his brother's emotional and physical reactions. Edgar was completely still and stoic, taking each swat his brother delivered. This is going to take awhile, Sig sighed to himself. For a time, he focused on the manner and location of each swat. They weren't that hard and Sig tried not to swat the same spot twice in a row, just covering all areas with general mild discomfort.
The light swats gave Edgar time to notice that his brother had kept his left hand on the small of his back since he told him he loved him. It was like a constant reminder and for some reason it was bothering Edgar. It felt comforting knowing that Sig was there and trying to make him feel secure but it also was distracting because he didn't want to think about his brother being nice to him right now. He just wanted to focus on maintaining control of himself and showing his big brother that he could take this. He wanted Sig to know that he was tough and could somehow mentally muscle his way right through this.
In order to forget about the warm hand touching his back, both of Sig's hands for that matter, Edgar tried to find something else to concentrate on. He lifted his head and rested his cheek on his forearm and ended up staring over at his nightstand. He immediately noticed his big brother's class right sitting next to his alarm clock. What the hell is that doing there, that doesn't belong there. Sig must have taken it off at some point. Like any little brother would, Edgar secretly coveted his oldest brother's treasured item. It represented that Sig was no longer a kid and that he had accomplished something to be admired. It was a symbol of pride. Edgar often caught himself glancing at that ring when he thought Sig wasn't looking, like when Sig was driving and had his right hand on the steering wheel. For Edgar, getting his own someday was something of a goal for him, so that he could wear it proudly and be just like his big brother.
Edgar stared at the ring intently, studying the large blue stone in the center, cut with many facets. His focused his thoughts on the detailed engraving on the side that displayed their local high school coat of arms and the year of graduation. He watched the gold metal glimmer under the light of the lamp. He studied everything about the ring and tried to forget about what was happening.
Sig was very clever in selecting his position of choice for administering this punishment. It wasn't a random thought to put his brother over his knee for this spanking. In his current position, Sig was very in tune with his brother's emotional state and could almost tell the exact moment when he mentally checked out on him. Sig knew all about mentally checking out during a spanking. He himself was quite good at it, having had a lot of time to practice over the years. He spent many a strapping bent over the kitchen table studying the crazy designs engrained in the wood or counting the groves that ran along the edge of the table while he grasped it for dear life, just holding on and praying it would come to an end. Unfortunately, he could not let his brother mentally check out on him now or, maybe, ever again.
Sig steeled his heart for the first of many times to come and started increasing the force behind each swat. He swatted the same spots twice on a row, closing his heart off the tiny flinches his brother didn't even know he was making.
Edgar felt and sensed it immediately but tried to keep focused on the ring. It wasn't just engraved on the outside but on the smooth inside as well. There was a hidden message on the inside of the ring, which Edgar had committed to memory the first time Sig had let him see it. It read, "We couldn't be more proud, All Our Love, Mom and Dad." Sig loved that ring, it meant the world to him. He never took it off, not to shower or when he went to bed, never.
The swats were getting harder now and Edgar was starting to lose his focus. Why did his brother take the ring off now. Edgar couldn't lie to himself about it like he wanted too. He wanted to tell himself Sig just took it off because it was too tight or the room was too hot. Finally, to distracted from the burn that was increasing on his butt, Edgar had to admit to himself that Sig took that damn ring off because he took the time to think about me and wanted to save me as much pain and hurt as possible, even though I was awful to him...No, I'm not thinking about it. I am not thinking about how my brother cares about me. Stop thinking about it!
Edgar lowered his head to rest his cheek on the comforter. Not realizing it, he moved his hand up to his exposed face and started rubbing at it.
Sig picked up on Edgar's telltale sign of nervousness in a heartbeat. My brother will never make it as a professional poker player so I hope he finds another line of work, Sig had to laugh a little at his own thoughts. I'm sorry, buddy, but I'm going to have to make you a lot more uncomfortable than that but you gotta mentally stay with me, no matter how hard it's going to be. He also noticed that his brother's other hand, the one above his head, was starting to close tightly into a fist.
Being a kid that only ever got the strap, Edgar had not realized up until that moment how much a hand spanking could really sting. The sting was incredible and he screwed his eyes shut, trying not to focus on the pain. Edgar moved his right hand from his face and grabbed onto the edge of the bed, steadying himself. He had to concentrate on keeping himself in place. He desperately wanted to take this punishment well and show his brother that he was tough enough to accept the consequences he was being given.
From his left hand, Sig could feel Edgar flinched slightly from each swat and he tried to ignore it. He focused on swatting areas that were the least worked over at this point but he was running out of spaces. He then moved his attention to the soft under curve of his brother's bottom and upper thights. Sig knew from personal experience that these were the most sensitive areas and therefore, the hardest to take. He tried to go easy on these spots for as long as he could.
Edgar felt the tears starting to form in his eyes, even with them shut. He swallowed the tears down as best as could but started to shake from holding them back. He moved his right hand in front of his face and started biting down on the bent knuckle of his index finger in order to keep himself from making any noise.
A few seconds later, Sig noticed the knuckle in Edgar's mouth. Sig stopped the swats and, with his left hand, moved it to Edgar's mouth and dislodged the knuckle himself. Edgar said nothing. His knuckle had deep bite impressions left in it. Sig squinted his eyes at the self-inflicted wound. You're not hurting yourself anymore, kid. He resumed spanking.
Another few seconds of hard spankings and Sig looked down to find Egdar again biting down on his knuckle. Sig stopped again, moved the knuckle out of Edgar's mouth, this time adding "No" firmly when he did it. He resumed the punishment.
Another second or two later, for a third time, Sig noticed Edgar was biting hard on his knuckle. He stopped the punishment immediately.
"Edgar, if you don't get that knuckle out of your mouth and keep it out, so help me…" Sig said with authority.
Edgar obeyed but couldn't help himself, he whined a little, "Please" was all he said.
"Please, what? Let you hurt yourself, No way" Sig said with patience, lowering his left hand to rub at the painful bite marks his brother was leaving on his knuckle and then replaced his left hand on Edgar's back.
Edgar was embarrassed to say it but he needed Sig to understand why he was doing what he was doing. "It keeps me from crying" he said desperately.
"So, cry if you want" Sig replied with a very "matter of fact tone" and gave a few hard swats.
Edgar yelped and automatically moved the knuckle back to his mouth, biting hard.
Sig was losing his patience but reminded himself of all his promises. He stopped the swats again and gave his brother his last warning. "Edgar, if you keep biting your knuckle, I am going to take your hands and pin them behind your back" Sig warned softly. They both knew he was strong enough to do it, too.
"No, no, please, please don't" Edgar begged, panicking, quickly removing the abused knuckle and feeling like his brother was thinking he was the biggest baby in the world. "You don't have to hold me down, please, I can take it."
"You can take it without hurting yourself!" Sig said, returning his left hand to Edgar's back and rubbing small circles for a second or two. "I can't watch you hurt yourself anymore" Sig said like he was saying it to himself. He then gave his brother several hard swats.
Edgar almost put the knuckle right back in his mouth but stopped himself. He buried his face deep into the bedding and held his breath.
"Edgar, you don't have to hide it. It's ok if you cry," Sig said gently but not letting up on the swats.
"I can't!" was the desperate response.
"Why not?" Sig asked, continuing on with swatting an already tender backside.
"Because you'll think I am weak," Edgar's voice was breaking.
"Never!" a swat with a little extra force to punctuate his meaning.
"Ouch….You'll tease me!" Edgar was feeling like he was starting to lose this battle. Sig was like a man on a mission right now and nothing was going to stop him.
Sig thought this was something only a little brother would worry about in a time like this and he smiled and shook his head. He stopped the spanking and reassured his brother gently, "Edgar, I may tease you about a lot of things in this lifetime, but I can promise you with absolute certainty, I will NEVER tease you if you cry right now. It hurts, I know. I can feel how much it hurts. Its ok, kid," Sig gave him a second and started spanking with new intensity.
Kid, he always calls me kid. Norm does, too. They both think I am a baby and I'm not. "Sig, I'm not a fucking baby!" Edgar almost yelled it, partly out of frustration and partly from the painful stings landing on his backside.
Sig didn't even hesitate for a second to think about what he said next. It was like someone had put the words in his mouth and pushed them out. He stopped spanking and said "Edgar, you will ALWAYS be HER baby" with such meaning it almost crushed him to say it.
Edgar got very quiet and lay perfectly still. Sig thought, Shit, I shouldn't have said that. Did I just cross a line? Too late now. Sig resumed spanking and only gave Edgar one hard swat before he heard it. It was the softest of sobs but it had to be one of the most painful things he'd ever heard. He stopped and gave another hard swat. He heard another soft sob, louder this time, followed by several more.
Sig couldn't help himself. He looked down at his little brother and saw the tears running down his face. Edgar was laying there, face turned towards the nightstand and he had his forearm covering his eyes. His other hand was gripping the edge of the bed. Without thinking, Sig used his left hand and brushed away the arm covering Edgar's eyes. Then, he grabbed Edgar's hand, opened up his palm and held it in his own. Edgar wrapped his fingers between his brother's fingers and Sig closed his hand around them. Neither one of them said anything. It was a silent message. I'm staying with you the whole way.
Sig took a breath, knowing this would be extremely difficult for both of them, for Edgar to take and for Sig to hear. I'm sorry, so sorry. He wanted to encourage his brother to just let it out and also to let him know that this part was almost over. Sig leaned down and whispered in the back of Edgar's hair, "I'm sorry about what I said, about being HER baby but its true. That doesn't mean I think you are a baby. Edgar, we are almost done with this but I'm gonna spank you really hard first, no breaks, and we are going to finish this. It's going to sting and it's ok with me if you cry through the whole damn thing."
Edgar was already crying and wanted to get this over with so he just nodded his head. Sig steeled his heart again and then spanked his brother pretty hard, swatting many of the same spots multiple times in a row. He worked the sits spots and tops of his thighs over with particular attention. Sig swatted as quickly as he could, just wanting to get this over with.
And Edgar cried, sobbed loudly and freely, and let tears flow down his face without brushing them off. He didn't care who heard him or how it sounded. He held onto his big brother's left hand and squeezed it as hard as he could, taking each swat as it came. He leaned hard against his brother's thigh, knowing Sig wouldn't let him fall and braced himself for each one. His left hand was grabbing the corner of the bed so hard that his knuckles were turning white. He managed to stay in position from shear determination and respect because nothing was stopping him from moving. It seemed like it went on forever but he took each and every swat and held his brother's hand through them all.
Suddenly and without warning, his brother stopped the spanking and Edgar breathing was coming back to normal in between hard sobs. He didn't know the reason Sig stopped but he was grateful for whatever it was. His backside was on fire and stung like crazy. He honestly didn't think he could take much more at this point and was close to asking Sig to stop, which he absolutely would have been humilated to do. He never begged his father to stop and he would have considered it completely disrespectful to ask his brother.
Sig then said, "I have one more question."
Edgar couldn't help but think now, you want to ask me something now. Didn't we get all of these questions out of the way already. I don't think I can talk right now Sig, how the hell am I going to answer anything.
Sig waited until he was sure he had Edgar's attention. Then he asked the question that he knew had to be asked because neither he nor his brother were going to walk out of that room without discussing it.
"Edgar, why am I punishing you?" Sig asked quietly.
Edgar went immediately on the defensive. Shit, we're gonna go over my list of offenses NOW, couldn't we have done that before or maybe NEVER. I don't want to talk about it! Edgar went back to burying his face in the comforter of his bed.
"Did you hear me? Sig asked softly.
"Yes, sir" Edgar said respectfully but I don't want to answer it.
"Then answer the question." Sig pushed.
Silence
"Edgar, please answer the question," Sig pushed again.
Still silence
Sig didn't want too, he just wanted to be done with this part, but he gave his brother a few swats, not hard but they had to hurt on an already sore bottom. Edgar yelped and flinched but still remained silent. Sig winced at the yelp and waited a few seconds. He then swatted him again several times more times. Nothing. Sig went to raise his hand again and Edgar immediately sensed it. Edgar tensed up and Sig stopped himself. He didn't want it to be like this. He begged his brother, "Please, Edgar, just say it, please, just let's be done with this. If you don't answer me now, I'll have to bare your bottom, please don't make me do that" Sig was now getting close to crying at this point because he knew he was going to have to win this fight and his brother had decided that now he was going to be stubborn. Couldn't you have picked a better time than this?
Edgar knew he was being defiant at the worse possible time and he deserved a bare bottom spanking just for that alone. Still, he sobbed softly, "Please don't. Its...humiliating." But I'd rather take that then think about what I have done to my family.
Sig's heart was starting to break because the last thing he wanted to do was cause his brother further hurt or humilation. But he wasn't going to let Edgar just forget about all the wrong things he had done. You can't pretent this stuff didn't happen. "I would never try to humilate you. I don't want too spank you bare, believe me I don't, but if we keep going on like this, I need to see what I am doing so I know if I am accidentially bruising you. I don't know how much more of this you can take. I don't know how much more of this I can take. So please, please just answer the question."
Now Edgar's heart was breaking, listening to his big brother beg. Why can't I just answer the question? Edgar whimpered, trying to explain the best he could, "I don't….want…to think…about what i did. It…hurts so much…to think about it." He squeezed Sig's hand really hard, even though the swats had stopped long before. Edgar was in a different kind of pain now, not just the kind coming from his backside but the pain coming from the knot that was still in his stomach.
Sig knew he couldn't go on punishing his brother like this. The flesh on his backside was surely already red and tender to the touch and there was a second part of the punishment yet to come, one that Sig was dreading. In truth, he really didn't want to force the answer out of his brother. He wanted Edgar to be honest on his own. Sig needed Edgar to think about why he was here in the first place because if he didn't think about it, it would never stop happening.
Why are we here? Sig had to ask himself. For that matter, why am I here. I should be out with my friends who are still celebrating our high school graduation weeks later. I should be fishing with my dad, learning everything he knows and starting my career. I shouldn't be here, hurting my brother like this to stop him from killing himself. Why is that anyway? Oh, Yeah, that's right, mom died and when she died, this family stopped living. All of us, dad, Norm, Edgar and myself, we all just stopped living.
Lead by Example, Sig reminded himself. He detached his right hand from his brother's hand, although it was difficult because Edgar was still holding on for dear life.
Edgar actually groaned from the loss of physical contact when his brother took his hand away. He's cross with me now because I won't answer the question. He is punishing me by withdrawing his affection. I disappointed him yet again.
Sig took his left hand and returned it to the small of Edgar's back. Edgar assumed he was about to have his boxers lowered to his knees for the rest of this punishment so he lifted his hips up slightly, making it easier for his brother to pull them down. Sig felt him lift up and used his right hand on Edgar's back to gently push him back down. "No, Edgar, I'm not going to punish you like that to make you answer the question. I'd rather you answer it on your own, because you want to. I'm done with this part of the punishment so I don't need to see anything anyway. I know you're hurting, on the outside and on the inside...cause I'm hurting inside, too, but it's never going to get better unless we talk about it."
Sig then placed both of his hands gently down on his brother's back so he would know not to expect any more swats. Sig rubbed his brother's back very slowly, almost absentmindedly, and started to cry very softly. "Edgar, this isn't totally your fault" Sig paused and then faltered. It hurt to admit the next statement but he said it anyway. "I let you down when you needed me the most. I wasn't around to be there for you, to help you with your homework or watch you ride or to help you get through all this." Sig's voice started to break and he was struggling to get it under control. He felt the tears well up in his eyes and start to fall. He just let them go for the first time since this started – I will not hide my feelings. He let out a small sob when he started again, "I wasn't a good big brother, I was selfish and I ignored you. I know part of your actions were you looking for some kind of replacement because your own big brother….let you down." Sig closed his eyes and let the tears fall down his cheeks. He finally said with as much meaning as he could, "I am so sorry, Edgar, sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most. I am ashamed of myself because I never thought I would do something like that to you. I won't make promises to not do it again, I don't need too. I know it never will. I hope that someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me." Sig sniffled hard and used his shoulders to brush off the tears from his face.
Edgar listened and could easily tell his brother was crying. Sig almost never cried but he was now. Everything Sig said was how Edgar felt for the last six months but something about hearing his brother admitted was like a weight being lifted off his shoulders. Sig verbally recognized what he did and didn't do and hoped someday that all would be forgive. Well, that was easily done.
Edgar reached his right hand down to the floor and grabbed the hem of his brother's jeans, tugged at it to get his attention. When he knew he had it, he grabbed hold of the ankle itself over the fabric so his brother would know how difficult this was to say. He cleared his throat and turned his face to the side so that what he said wouldn't be muffled by the bedding.
Edgar took one last deep breath and started. "I was defiant. I broke my curfew twice. I broke my grounding..."
Sig's shoulders actually slunk down in relief. Thank you, God. He listened intently, already knowing what was going to be said and just so very grateful to hear the words out loud. At least he thought he knew what Edgar was going to say, right up until the end.
Edgar continued "...I went somewhere I knew full well I was not allowed to go and I tried to hide it from you. I didn't tell you where I was going or where I would be. I took my bike without permission. I drove it recklessly and almost killed myself. I drank alcohol that I know I am not allowed to have. I ran away and stayed out all night hanging out with people I know I am not allowed to be with. I…"
Edgar closed his eyes, causing several large, hot teardrops to fall and paused because these were the hardest to say. He didn't want to say them because he didn't want to admit the he could hurt the people he loved as much as he had. He gently rubbed his oldest brother's ankle, almost like he was trying to sap some of his big brother's strength. Then, following his oldest brother's lead, he finally continued, "…lied to you and I am so ashamed of it because I trust you more than anyone in the world. I was disrespectful to you, which I never thought I would be. I cursed at you in anger. I'm sorry, so sorry. I didn't listen and disobeyed you. Oh God, Sig, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I caused my brothers to worry about me and come looking for me, and Norman almost…"
Edgar stopped there. Sig waited hesitantly, having the feeling that something bad was coming. Shit, forgot about this.
Edgar went back to the night's activities in his mind. Something was bothering him deeply. What the hell was it? He started reliving the race. Something happened that he didn't have time to think about until now, something very, very bad. Edgar's mind raced back to the first time he spotted his brother, Norman, stand directly in his path. How did he even get there. Why is he even here at all? Why won't he fucking move. Silently, I screamed in my mind, MOVE, God damn it. But Norman refused to move. He had time to get out of the way but he just kept standing there, standing there directly in front of that steep drop off right behind him. He must have known it was there because he already knew he had to drive his truck around it to come get the bike. And I saw it when I watched the headlights illuminate it and I saw the sharp rocks at the bottom of it. I would have gone off that cliff if I hadn't turned at the last minute. What the hell was Norman thinking? That he could have stop me himself, like he was fucking Superman or something? It was crazy. He couldn't have stopped me unless he put his own body in the way so that I had something to keep me from going over. What the hell? Didn't he know that he'd get killed doing that? Why didn't he just let me go over the side of that cliff? He shouldn't even be here at all, Edgar kept saying. He wouldn't even be there if it wasn't for me and my own stupid actions. He came to get me and take me home and keep me safe. He should have been with his girlfriend or having fun with his friends. Instead, he was standing there trying to save my ass even though I didn't deserve it. Why would he do that?
Edgar knew at that moment that he almost killed his brother because Norm made the choice to risk his own life to save his own and he knew exactly when the knot formed in his stomach and was still refusing to let go. The knot came the moment Edgar realized that his brother was never going to move and that he was going to kill him. It was the knot of guilt that someone felt when they did something so terrible to someone that they loved that they could never forgive themselves.
Edgar started suddenly sobbing extremely hard, his shoulders racking and Sig got really scared by the sudden sounds. The sobs were gut wrenching, guttural and painful. Through them Edgar cried, "Oh God, Sig, I almost killed my brother, I almost killed my brother…I can't live with it…I can't live with myself."
Edgar kept saying it, over and over again till finally he begged Sig, "Please just hit me, punch me, kick me, kill me, do whatever you want. I don't care what you do."
Sig thought, we have to stop right now because my little brother is about to lose his mind. I need to talk to him, face to face, and explain some things. As gently as Sig could, he lifted his brother up like he was weightless, put his feet on the floor and pinned him between his knees, which was necessary because otherwise Edgar would have fallen to the ground, his legs were shaking so badly.
Sig looked in his brother's face, covered in tear tracks, eyes screwed shut and wincing in pain, not from the punishment but from the guilt that was eating him alive. Sig grabbed Edgar's hands and shook them hard. He didn't yell (as he promised not to do) but he was very firm, "Edgar, open your eyes."
Edgar didn't comply and continued standing in front of his brother on shaking legs.
Sig released one of his own hands and put it up to his brother's face. He rubbed his hand gently along to side of his cheek, one of Edgar's favorite things to do when he was upset or nervous. "Look at me, please!" Sig asked in a whisper. Nothing. Sig used his hand and guided Edgar's face down to his and touched his forehead with his own. He kept his hand on the side of his brother's face. "Ok , then, just listen to my voice….. It was Norman's decision."
Sig felt Edgar start to struggle against him but Sig stilled him with both hands and knees. "No, it was. It was Norman's decision to go down there and it was his decision to try to save you. I was wrong for saying otherwise when we were in the kitchen. I was upset and angry and I am sorry I said it. I was wrong, very wrong. Norm was right when he said that he could make his own choices, no one made him go down there. It was not your fault and you can't take responsibility for it. Norm wouldn't want you too. Why do you think he did what he did?"
Even though Edgar had been lying to himself for so long, he didn't hesitate to say the truth. He opened his eyes, looking down at his brother's t-shirt pocket. "Because he loves me," he said simply.
"You're damn fucking right he loves you. We all love you. And this has got to stop. We can't watch you destroy yourself because you think you can't go on without HER." Sig said, starting to feel the hot tears running down his own cheeks again.
Edgar immediately pulled his head up and back. He gave his brother a look that read, "How did you know?"
Sig saw the look immediately and continued softly, "I know, I know. In our own way, we ALL stopped going on without her. But we can't do that anymore, none of us can. None of us can live like this. We have to keep going, no matter how hard. She would have wanted us too." Sig continued crying quietly.
Edgar moved his hand up to his brother's face and started rubbing off the tears. His brother was in just as much pain over the loss of their mother as he was but he just hadn't let himself see it. And he thought about how awful he was to Sig and Norm for the last few days and he just wanted to let the guilt go. Now, he wanted very much to get this over with.
"Sig, can we please just finish this?" He asked quietly, stroking his brother's cheek one finally time.
"Not if you think I am punishing you for what happened with Norman. You are NOT getting punished for that. That is something you are going to have to let go on your own. I do think that if you talked to him about it, you might feel better. He would probably like it very much if you told him you know how much he loves you," Sig replied sincerely.
"I'd like to talk to him about. As a matter of fact, I'd like to talk to him about a lot of things. But I need to move on and I can't until we finish this," Edgar replied with wisdom beyond his thirteen years.
Sig looked at his brother and had to give him a little smile.
Edgar smiled back.
Sig lost the smile quickly when he remembered what exactly it was they were finishing. It was too late to stop. See it through to the end, Sig. Sig looked down at his feet. He whispered brokenly to the ground, "I'm gonna...paddle you and then it's over."
"I know," was the soft reply.
Sig looked up at his brother with such pleading eyes, almost to say, I wish to God I hadn't even gotten the damn thing out of the closet.
Edgar read the look and gave his brother another look of his own that read I expect to get what is coming to me so no matter how painful, I'm not letting you out of this. Then Edgar added smartly, "Would you like me to go over the list of reasons you are punishing me again?"
God, he is a stubborn smartass, Sig thought. Alright, let's get this over with.
Sig asked, giving in just a little to a change of plans, "Would you rather bend over the bed than back over my lap."
Edgar was very grateful for the option. He would miss the physical contact with his brother but he didn't think he go through that process again. He replied, "The bed, definitely."
"Can I ask why?" Sig had to know.
Edgar looked at his brother and simply replied, "Because I don't think I deserve the...comfort...and affection...that comes with the other way. I think that's why you did it that way to begin with but...with everything I've done...I don't deserve it for this part."
Think again, kid. Sig only stared and then nodded slightly to his brother.
Sig stood up, a silent symbol that this was the agreed upon position from both parties. Before Edgar walked away from his brother, he put his forehead up against his brother's chest for just a second. It was a sweet gesture of acceptance before Edgar assumed the physical contact between them would end.
Then Edgar backed away and moved to stand in front of the edge of his bed. Sig turned around and tried not to look, although he wasn't sure why he did it, maybe it brought back too many bad memories. Edgar bent over the bed, grabbing a pillow and wrapping his arms around it in the process. He rested his head on the pillow and waited. To his surprise, he felt his oldest brother sit down right next to him. Sig gently placed his left hand on Edgar's back again rubbing gently. Edgar had assumed the comfort and physical affection part of all this was over and that he didn't deserve anymore.
Turns out, his big brother thought he deserved it anyway. Edgar was reminded of how much his brother loved him and didn't want to hurt him. Despite that he was being punished for all the things he did to his family, his brother had found a way to be incredibly patient and affectionate through this whole process, neither one of those being a virtue that came naturally to him. It was overwhelming. He wanted to let his brother know that it mattered, it made a difference but didn't know how. Before he could stop himself, Edgar took a deep breath and exhaled, saying with it, "I love you, Sig."
Sig sat on the bed and couldn't move. Even though Sig was about to punish him, Edgar still told him he loved him. That's why you deserve a hell of lot more for yourself, kid, than the life you've been trying to throw away. Sig could only replied, "You have no idea how much I needed to hear that right now" and leaned over to whisper, "I love you, too. So much. It sounds weird to say but, if I didn't, we wouldn't be here right now."
Edgar knew exactly what his brother meant.
Sig slipped his right hand under the folded blanket at the end of the bed and found what he was looking for.
Third difficult conversation almost over. The hardest part yet to come.
