I got rid of the old chapters 8+9 because my friend wrote them, not me. Here are my remakes of them.
Review I got for Chapter 1-
Sugarfaerie: This made me wince, so I didn't read on: AIRCRAFT. No, no, no, no! There were absolutely no aircrafts in the 1830s! Air travel wasn't even considered! Dodger would have to get to Canada by ship if at all, and that would take weeks.
Also... Bold dialogue. Not necessary, and quite hard to read. When you read a novel, is all the dialogue in bold? It is not.
I suggest you fix this up, as there are quite a few glaring errors. I'll be happy to help if you need any advice.
Darkthistle: Well it is a fanfic, so I had the idea that perhaps I could change some things. You know? So in my story, there is the London we know today, and an "Old London". The people of old London didn't want to advance in anything. They liked things just the way they were. So, the rest of England went on and built a new London for people who wanted to live to advance in technology and medicine and stuff.
It is actually set in 2006 because that's when I stated writing it.
Also, bolding the letters is my style, as you may see on my other account, Redthistle. I decided that since my older sister knew about that account, I couldn't put my stories that may or may not eventually have sexual content.
I thought about writing without is being bold, but I got too lazy to add quotation marks so I went back to bolding it.
I personally find it a bit better because many great authors will accidentally for get them and then it's like 'What?' and you don't know what's up until you've read the whole sentence.
I'm sorry you don't like my story. Dodger does go back home in either the second or third chapter and he brings Kate back with him.
Once again, sorry you didn't like my story, though it is hardly my fault for that. It's just a matter of personal opinion.
Have a good day.
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I love you Kate. He said.
Forever and everShe said, smiling. She watched him walk away into the night before she turned back to her own door and let herself and her puppy in.
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(Switching between different povs.)
(Ara)
I was standing outside a bookshop when I saw them. There he was with his messy brown hair. How dare he be near her? I knew he was one of Fagin's apprentices. I don't know why she would ever hang out with such trash. It might have been for the same reasons that I did when I was her age. Rebellion.
I'm not a heartless woman. I am merely worried about my foster daughter's best interests. She deserves the best and he is certainly not it.
Francis Milligan's son was about her age. They would have made such a lovely pair. Francis happened to be just inside the store. She emerged and saw me right away.
"Oh Ara! It's been too long!" She babbled at me. I saw her yesterday. Still, there was no point to argue.
"Hello there, Francis. How's Bartzimeuh?" I would never have called her son Barzin unless they did wed.
"Oh he's keeping up in his studies. How is that little Kate doing?" Oh no. She's speaking again. Her voice is like a dying mouse. It is both gasping and squeeky. A terrible combination.
"Oh she's wonderful. I'm in the process of trying to find a boy with a good background she could be wed to." It wasn't completely a lie. I knew that if she married Bartzimeuh, Francis would be my sister in law. The Milligan's were very wealthy though and Kate would profit enormously from it. It would be perfect for her. She would be set for life.
"Well my little Barzin could do well to have such a pretty girl on his arm." Ara laughed merrily with Francis about this. However, it was a false laughter.
(Dodger- Human)
Kate has been happier than ever these few days and it fills me with such warmth that I feel I may explode. Walking around with her on my arm is the light of my life. We still work but it's different now. Now we blend in with this happy crowd better. No one would suspect a pair of love filled youths.
I saw Ara from the corner of my eye. I caught a few words. She wanted Kate to be wed. To Bartzimeuh.
Everyone knows Bart. He had once almost been hung for stealing from me. It had been hilarious. But it had been back when I was quite a bit younger. Still, I didn't want Kate to find out about Bartzimeuh being likely to be wed to her. I doubted she would enjoy that bit of information.
(Kate)
Dodger and I walked out of the dress shop, arm-in-arm. He really is quite the gentleman. It doesn't matter that he isn't rich or famous! All that matters is that he's with me. It isn't the first time a guy has said they loved me. But I know Dodger won't be sneaking around my back with any other girl. It's a comfort.
I'm always so worried he'll be caught by the police. He's always looking over his shoulder for them. At least I hope that's what he's watching for.
Bill disappeared a few days ago. Dodger was all set to fight him, and Bill vanished. It was weird. Made me a bit nervous. I too look over my shoulder a bit. For Bill and for Ara.
She wants me to be wed soon. I don't think I could ever go through with it. Not even to Dodger. I love him but I want to go places and be someone. I don't know if I can with someone hanging onto me. I either have to have my life, or have my husband. I'm caught in the middle and I don't know where to turn.
Shit! There's Ara! She doesn't like me being around Dodger. I know why she hates him so much. She just doesn't know him, though! If she did, surely they would get along great.
(end POV)
Kate walked next to Dodger, her back to Ara. She could feel her heart beating faster and faster. She was starting to feel quite faint.
Dodger looked at his beautiful girlfriend just as her arm slid out of his and she fell to the ground. Dodger dipped down quickly and caught her before her head hit the ground. He could feel people's eyes on his. He picked her up, wondering where to go. Her home would be the safest place for her. He dashed past all the people and past Ara. He sprinted towards her house as quick as he could.
He arrived at her house within 15 minutes. The door was locked. Dodger wanted to scream out to the world but he didn't. He lay Kate gently in the grass and sat next to her. He wanted to her wake up. He didn't know what had caused it, but it worried him.
He sat with her for over an hour before she awoke. He heard her gasp something and he looked down at her. Her eyes were filled with fear and she whispered but one name. Bill.
