I haven't updated this since march...oops.
this has been split into two chapters because it's long. I know there's not a lot of bensidy scenes (or any but whatever)
there will be in the next chapter because I had to split it.
Fight the fight alone
When the world is full of victims
Dims a fading light
In our souls
/
"Okay, I have to get to work but I'll come and see you later" Olivia gently squeezed his hand
"I'll be here…" He smiled and kissed the back of her hand as the nurse on the other side of his chair stabbed him with a needle, setting up his third high-dose cocktail of the week.
"Behave" She whispered and kissed his head.
As she walked towards the door she turned back and watched as Brian made conversation with Angela, the nurse who had been by his side for near enough this whole process over the last few weeks since his diagnosis. Olivia pushed the door open and was met with the concerned face of Brian's doctor.
"Olivia, Can we speak for a moment?"
Her forehead scrunched in confusion and she nodded "Yeah, of course, is everything okay?"
"I just wanted to ask you about Brian, how he's been coping for the last couple of weeks?"
Olivia sighed and glanced back at the now closed door of the treatment room "He's been okay, he's been vomiting a lot over the last few days and he's not really sleeping very well, he gets confused easily…"
"Other than that everything has been okay? How about you? How are you coping?"
"I guess. Is there anything we should be looking out for?" She brushed over the question about herself, this was not about her, and it was Brian who was the one suffering.
The older man patted her arm "It's just Brian had asked me yesterday about how much longer his treatments will last, he was concerned about the effect it is having on the both of you…"
"I'm fine, I've told him to stop worrying about me and focus on himself"
"Olivia this happens with a lot of cancer patients, they feel guilty about the affect it is having on their families and their loved ones and it sort of manifests itself until the only way they can see things getting better is if they stop treatment"
Olivia's eyes widened in shock, Brian had never mentioned any of this to her "I…Dr Walden, I assure you I am fine. Yeah, I could do with more sleep but honestly who couldn't?" She joked, "Brian is just used to being independent and this whole situation, him having to rely on others to help him out, it's just foreign to him."
"I completely understand, I just wanted to make sure you knew how he was feeling right now, I don't mean to add any more stress to your plate but it is important that you are both on the same page" Dr Walden pulled his glasses from his face and placed them into the chest pocket of his white lab coat and grabbed the blue file from the desk beside him.
"I understand" Olivia nodded and ran her fingers through her hair before sighing "He's just…He's stubborn" She smiled and took another look back at the door as Angela emerged from the room.
"He is indeed" The doctor chuckled "Oh, I also wanted to let you know that I'm hoping to run some more blood work at the end of this week, Brian's last session is tomorrow right?"
Olivia nodded
"Well, I'll get him in again on Monday, we'll take some blood and run the initial tests, hopefully we'll see how the last session has effected the cancer cells, if there is a vast improvement, which we're hoping there is, we'll continue him on the current cocktail for the next month and do more blood work after that"
"And if it's not?" Her voice was quiet, her mind spinning in slow circles "If there's not a vast improvement? What happens then?"
"If not…" The doctor sighed and held the file a little tighter and brought it up to his chest "Then what we'll do is we'll have to take a bone marrow sample, get a few samples from different parts of the body and take Brian for a CT scan and make sure that it hasn't spread, that is the important thing, as long as it hasn't spread anywhere else then that is a positive"
"Will he have to be admitted...Dammit" Olivia groaned as her cell phone started ringing in her pocket "I'm sorry…" She quickly ignored the call and turned her attention back to the doctor.
"I can't say for certain whether or not Brian will have to be admitted until I've had the blood work and if needs be the biopsy results back. We'll have to look into other treatments like blood transfusions and bone marrow transplants if the chemo is not having the effect that we are hoping for"
"Okay…" Olivia nodded and tried to contain all the information in her brain before it spilled out onto the floor in a puddle "I'll be back to pick him up later, I really should get to work" She smiled and shook the older man's hand "Thank you, Doctor"
"No problem, Olivia, take it easy"
.
"Hey, how's the invalid?"
"That's not funny" Olivia glared at her partner as she dropped her purse onto her desk before storming off towards the coffee machine
Elliot glanced over at Munch and shrugged his shoulders before turning his attention back to the paperwork in front of him.
"Liv…" Munch moved from his desk and placed his hand on the younger woman's shoulder
Olivia jumped slightly, startled by her friend's presence "Sorry, Munch" She said quietly before stirring a small packet of sugar into her black coffee.
"That's okay" Munch shook his head slightly and folded his arms over his chest "Just ignore Elliot, he's an ass. How is Brian doing?" He questioned with a faint smile
Olivia nodded and tried to hold back her emotions in front of her colleagues "He's okay, I guess" She sipped her coffee slowly "I just spoke to his doctor when I left him and he's hoping to see if the chemo has done any good, he's gonna do the blood work on Monday"
Munch smiled and gently patted her arm "That's good, Liv, right?"
"I suppose"
"What is it?"
Olivia lifted her gaze from the floor and quickly glanced around the room making sure no one was watching her as she felt the tears prick in her dark eyes "What if its not good, John?"
"Hey Liv! Are you gonna do any work today? You're late as it is and I'm beating you at paperwork" Elliot's voice joked from the desk not too far from where she stood.
She glared in his direction and threw her mug down on the counter before storming back towards the cribs.
"Good one, Stabler" Munch quipped "Take it easy on her man, this isn't exactly normal for her"
"Come on, Munch, I was only kidding, I get that she's going through a hard time but doesn't mean she cant joke about it" Elliot shrugged and stretched in his chair.
.
"Fuck off, El"
"It's me," Munch said quietly as he closed the door behind him and slowly sauntered over to the bed where Olivia sat, cross-legged with her head in her hands.
"He's an ass," She muttered
"I know. He's just trying to lighten the mood apparently"
"Well he's not doing a very good job" Olivia glanced up at her older friend with glassy eyes "Munch I'm scared"
"I know"
Olivia shook her head and sniffed "What if it's bad news? What if he's going through all the chemo and it's not even working?"
"Liv, you can't think like that. You have to try and be positive" Munch sat by her side and gently placed a concerned hand on her back
"I know, and I try when I'm with Bri but god Munch, it's so hard"
"What did the doctor say?" He asked, concerned for his friend's health. He knew that Brian was having a hard time coping with the fact that he was ill. He knew how concerned for Olivia he was as well and watching her break down right now was killing him.
"That if the blood work isn't as good as they hope that they'll have to do a bone marrow biopsy and a CT scan to make sure it hasn't spread, if it hasn't spread that's a good thing"
"It is" Munch gently squeezed her shoulder "If it hasn't spread to anywhere else then they can maybe try him on another drug? Liv, the doctors know what they're doing, all you have to do is listen and trust in what they're saying"
"That's very politically correct of you, John" Olivia chucked and gazed at her conspiracy mad friend "What happened to 'doctors end up making you sicker before they make you better just to make more money'?"
"Ah maybe they're not all bad" He shrugged and bumped shoulders with the younger detective.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, Munch kept his gaze on the floor, occasionally stealing glances at the woman in distress who he treated like his little sister.
"I love him, John," She whispered in the otherwise empty room "It's crazy, I don't even know how to explain it." She shook her head and smiled "I knew he liked me, I mean he wasn't exactly subtle with it no matter how good he thought he was"
They both laughed and Munch agreed with her before she continued "I don't know when it became more than just us sleeping together, I didn't want to admit that it was anything more but it is."
"Have you told him how you feel?"
"He thinks I'm staying with him because I feel guilty. I feel guilty that he has asked me out so many times, he's asked me to give us a real shot and I kept saying no and now he's sick…" She felt the tears getting stuck in her throat "Now that he might not make it…"
"He thinks you're with him out of guilt?" John finished her sentence
Olivia nodded "It's not true. I understand why he would think that, but its not"
.
"How're you coping, Liv? This can't be easy on you," He asked after another bout of silence.
Olivia chuckled and placed her hand on top of his "I'm fine, Munch, you don't need to worry about me"
"Well someone has to. I know Brian does but he's not in the right mind to do anything right now."
"That's what his doctor said," She spoke quietly "Apparently he told his doctor yesterday that he's worried about me and how stressed out I am and how he's causing all this upheaval in my life. He asked how much longer his treatment is going to last because he doesn't want to see me struggling anymore" She sobbed openly before containing herself
"I didn't realise that I was being so obvious" She smiled "I try so hard to keep composed and calm in front of him because I know how anxious and confused he gets when he's on this medication but somehow he knows…"
"He loves you, Liv" Munch smiled and squeezed her hand "He's just worried about you"
"He doesn't have to be though, that's the point, he should be worrying about himself and getting better"
"Liv, he's in love with you, he has been for a long time and he'll kill me if he finds out I told you this by the way" the older man chuckled "He cant stand to see you in pain or upset or stressed, he's meant to be taking care of you yet it's the other way round and I'm not sure he knows how to cope with that"
"He doesn't" Olivia laughed, "He's so stubborn it's annoying sometimes"
"Then you two are perfectly suited," Munch laughed as Olivia reached to slap him
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She gasped
"Look at you, Liv…" He began "I'm here making sure your okay and I can obviously tell that you aren't, yet you are trying to convince me you are. You are so used to being independent that when it comes to a point that you need some help, you cant bring yourself to admit it."
"I don't…"
"Tell you what" Munch interrupted as he stood to his feet, his height towering over Olivia "I'll pick Brian up from his appointment today and bring him home. You go home and chill out, take a bath, have a nap, do whatever you girls do to relax"
"Munch, I can't just leave, I just got here"
"Yeah well Cragen is out with the commissioner all day and I'm in charge so get your ass home and I'll bring your boyfriend home around four" Munch pointed his finger towards the door "Get out, Detective, I'll see you on Tuesday"
"Monday…"
"You said Brian is getting tests done on Monday…take it off"
"Munch, I can't…"
"Liv, do it. Cragen will be fine with it, trust me"
.
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lyrics: Broken Wings - Alterbridge
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