8
Life Debts, Letters, and Lingering Fears
Thor paced to and fro inside his chambers. Crumpled balls of paper upon the floor bore mute testimony to his failed efforts at writing the apology letter to Loki. He was too wound up to concentrate on the letter when all he wanted to do was break Heimdall's nose.
Finally, he halted and gazed out of the doors of his balcony, admiring the rising sun and thinking about how the Watcher had betrayed his brother. He felt slightly sick at the knowledge but it was eclipsed by anger. How could his friend have stood by and watched Loki being tortured?
Dark storm clouds formed in the sky and he knew they were forming due to his anger.
"Calm yourself," he whispered and the clouds faded. Like with Loki, Thor's powers ebb and flow with his emotions and he turned, his mind made up, and left his room.
His feet took him past Loki's chambers and recalling his brother's wish, the Thunderer knocked on the door, nodding at Eiric and Magnus on duty.
The door opened while a sleepy eyed Loki looked at Thor and Thor noticed how tired he looked.
"Morning, Brother," Thor said. Loki yawned as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes and gave a hint of a smile.
"Morning," Loki said.
"Did you sleep well?"
"It was a rough night, but not as bad as the night before."
"Do you still wish to be there while I confront Heimdall?"
"Yes, I just need to dress."
Thor nodded when Loki closed the door then he appeared in the doorway. He was wearing his battle armor and cape and Thor saw he had slicked back his hair.
"Shall we go?" Loki asked. Nodding, Thor led the way and Eiric and Magnus glanced at each other.
"I would not like to be the Watcher this day," Eiric said and Magnus nodded.
As if summoned, Viva appeared in her doorway. She was wearing a soft ice blue tunic and gray breeches with a white half cloak. "Going somewhere, my lords?"
"We are going to speak with Heimdall," Loki said.
"Mind if I join you?"
"Of course you can," Thor said. She felt the anger coming from the Thunder God as they headed down the hallway and she sent calming thoughts to him. "As much as I appreciate what you are doing, Healer, I need my anger right now."
"Just don't go and do something foolish, Brother," Loki said.
"I will try and restrain myself."
"That would be good. We don't need to break the Bifrost again," Loki joked.
Thor chuckled softly as he lightly nudged Loki and Viva sensed the bond between brothers starting to grow stronger again.
"How about the Watcher's head?" Thor snorted.
"It would be a little hard for him to talk if his mind is scrambled," Viva said. They left the palace as they headed into the village and walked the path toward Bifrost.
Bifrost:
Heimdall had heard Thor, Loki and Viva's conversations before they arrived and he admitted he was frightened. Facing Odin and Frigga's wrath was one thing, but Thor...
"My princes," he said with a bow and they came to a stop on front of him.
"I am your prince? I thought I was a traitor," Loki said coldly.
"I was mistaken, my lord," Heimdall said respectfully.
Heimdall felt Thor's eyes on him as he glanced at his friend and prince and Thor balled his fingers into tight fists.
"Remember. You need to keep calm and think before you speak," Viva whispered and Thor nodded.
"I have apologized to your brother for my error in judgement, Thor," Heimdall told him, hoping to mitigate his anger.
Loki wondered what Thor was going to say as Thor took a few deep breaths, but the fingers of his right hand bent over the handle of Mjolnir.
"Do you think an apology is enough for what you have done!" The elder prince demanded. "You LIED to all of us! You let us mourn Loki as dead when all the time he was alive and being tortured!"
"There was nothing I could do. Bifrost..."
"The blast with Bifrost! If you had TOLD us, Father would have tried to find a way to free my brother from his captivity!"
Thor's eyes flared electric blue.
"Brother . . ." Loki warned.
"He was tortured for MONTHS! He told me he spent nights in his cell calling out for us to rescue him until he lost his voice! He cried out for our mother! How could you bare to HEAR that, yet do NOTHING!?" Thor bellowed, lightning crackling around his hands.
"My prince..."
"When you and Father finally repaired Bifrost, you warned me my brother was dangerous and I should end things quickly!"
"He did?!" Loki asked with wide eyes.
"I wasn't sure if you were or not. I just wanted him to be cautious when dealing with you," Heimdall stated.
You are not helping, Viva thought, sensing Thor's anger rising.
Loki moved back slightly as Thor growled, but Loki didn't see he was getting too close to the edge of the rainbow bridge.
"Loki!" Viva shouted. Quickly, Thor ran to Loki, grabbing onto Loki's arms and pulled his brother towards him. Loki looked behind him when his eyes widened and Thor felt his body shaking.
Falling. Endlessly falling. The deadly cold wrapping itself around him. His eyes still looking up at the tattered remains of Bifrost and he could just see Thor and Odin reaching out for him.
"Loki, look at me!" Thor demanded, but Loki just looked at the Void. Viva could sense Loki's distress as she ran to them and she placed her hand on Thor's arm.
"He can't hear you," she said and Thor let go of his brother so she could help Loki calm down.
"What is happening?" Heimdall asked.
"Loki is having a panic attack!" Thor said.
"A what?"
"He is reacting to being here. This is where he fell. This is where it all started. Thanks to not only you, but me, my brother is locked in a nightmare!"
Viva put both her hands on his shoulders. "Listen to me, Loki. You are not falling you are safe here with me. Trust me. Come back to me. Come back." She blanketed his mind with her own soothing thoughts.
He could hear her, but all he felt was the cold. Cold never bothered him before, but this was different.
"Loki, Thor is here. He needs you. Come back to us."
"Thor?" he mouthed and she nodded.
"Yes, Thor. He needs you. Please."
Loki blinked his eyes a few time then she carefully walked him over to Thor and Thor placed his hands on his brother's shoulders.
"I am here, Brother," Thor said in a calming tone and Loki nodded.
"I... I am fine now," Loki said, feeling Thor cup the back of his head in his large hand. Heimdall looked at the brothers while a large knot formed in his stomach and he sighed.
Norns forgive me. I caused this, he thought.
Viva turned to stare at the Watcher and sent, You owe Loki a life debt. For the life that was stolen from him.
I understand, he sent back.
"My Prince, I believe I know how I can repay you for what I have done," Heimdall said and Loki looked at him.
"I don't know what you can do which can give me back what I have lost," Loki said.
"I offer you a life debt."
Loki stared at him. "Do you realize what that entails?"
"Yes, I do," he said with a bow.
Loki considered. If he accepted, it meant Heimdall's life was bound to his, for the Watcher must protect his holder's life with his own, the debt only fulfilled when he saved Loki's life or died trying.
Heimdall felt his heart slamming in his chest while they waited for Loki's answer and Loki frowned, folding his arms over his chest,
"I accept." Loki murmured.
"Thank you, My Prince," Heimdall said with a deep bow then he looked at Thor. "And how can I repay you?"
Thor rubbed his beard, thinking.
"You must never betray my brother ever again. If he is in danger, no matter where he is, you MUST tell us immediately!" Thor said.
"I swear, my liege." Heimdall promised, saluting him. "My life is now his."
Thor nodded brusquely. "Make it count."
The three departed after that, and while Loki and Viva strolled in the gardens, avoiding the prying eyes of the courtiers, Thor returned to his room to try composing the letter once again.
His spirt now calm, his anger banished, Thor now found he could concentrate, and he set the pen to the paper and began to write, scrawling the words quickly across the page lest he forget them.
Elsewhere, two monarchs also wrote letters, pouring their heartfelt words upon the paper in hopes that doing so would help to heal their broken son.
Soon three letters arrived at Viva's balcony, brought there by Huginn and Muninn so the Mind Healer could give them to Loki at her leisure.
Viva glanced up from the book she was perusing, a text upon discovering triggering episodes, and smiled at the two roguish ravens tapping upon her balcony doors.
"Pretty lady. I come bearing a message for you!" Muninn trilled.
"I also, enchanting one!" Huginn called, not to be outdone by his brother.
"Come in, you rogues!" she laughed and threw open the doors.
Kiva woke as the ravens fluttered inside, and then yawned and resumed her nap, as if to say, "Oh, it's only you!"
A raven landed one on each shoulder, and glared at the other.
"Lady, I have here an important missive from the king-" Muninn squawked.
"I was here first!" argued Huginn.
"So? I am the eldest!" Muninn snapped.
"But mine is more important!"
"No, mine is!"
Huginn stuck out his tongue at his brother. "Spoilsport!"
"Enough," Viva said with a laugh. "I will look at both."
That seemed to mollify both birds, who preened themselves while Viva opened the letters and scanned their contents briefly.
She smiled and traced some runes above them, which would let Loki hear the letters in each of the authors' voices.
Loki's Chambers
Loki had retired to his room as he sat at the window seat and looked out at the view. Even though he knew it was just a frightening memory, he could still feel the cold from the Void and shivered. Axelle, sensing her friend's distress, jumped onto his lap. He looked at the kitten, smiling, and held the tiny feline against his chest.
"I am alright," he whispered and Axelle purred. He felt the vibration moving through his chest as he smiled and stroked the top of the kitten's head. "Well, not alright, but calmer. I wish I didn't get these attacks."
Suddenly, he thought he heard Viva's voice as he leaned against the windowpane and closed his eyes.
Loki, I am coming with the letters from your family, Viva sent, already moving down the hall towards his room.
Soon he heard a knock at the door. "Come in, Lady Viva."
Viva entered, a packet of letters in her hands. "They were just delivered. Take your time and read them."
"I shall," he said. Loki stood, holding Axelle in his arms, as he walked to her and she held out the packet of letters. He placed the kitten in one arm as he took the packet of letters and looked at them.
"Don't look at them! They are all lies!" Maw's voice whispered in his head, but Loki shook his head.
"You're wrong," he whispered.
"Who are you talking to?" Viva asked.
"A ghost of someone who doesn't matter anymore," he said, walking to the highbacked chair, he sat with Axelle on his lap and opened the packet.
"They have a small enchantment on them," Viva told him. "When you read them, you will hear the voice of the one who wrote it in your mind."
Nodding, Loki looked at the elegant scrolling of his name on the first letter and recognized it as his mother's. He slowly opened the letter as he leaned back against the cushion and he started reading.
Viva watched for a moment before departing to give him privacy.
She went to make him some tea as his eyes moved over the page and Frigga's voice filled his head.
My dearest Loki,
Words cannot describe how precious you are to me. You were only a week old when Odin placed you in my arms, and I had recently discovered that I had lost my second child, it had not even had time to quicken before it was gone. But then I was given a gift by the Norns, or so it seemed, and such you have been to me since.
I created a simple enchantment so that no one would question your legitimacy as my son, once your father had explained where he found you and why he had taken you from the temple. Anyone who saw you would remember that you were born a bit earlier than usual, about eight months later than Thor.
You accept me as your mother, though I was not, and the bond between mother and son seemed unbreakable.
I am, and always have been, proud to call you mine. Odin explained how you shifted the moment he held you, and I could not help but notice that you resembled my father, King Gunnar. Odin thinks it was because he was thinking of my father when he found you, recalling how Father used to go into a temple after a battle and pray for forgiveness for the lives he had taken. Your latent telepathy probably picked that thought from his mind.
You even have Father's eyes. Bright. Green. Curious. I see a lot of him in you. He also liked to read and ask questions. I wish he could have met you. He would have loved you.
I inherited my magic from him, as did my brother and sister. He was a great war mage, but he preferred peace to waging war if possible.
The best days of my life was teaching you magic. You were so eager to learn and your powers appear to outshine mine. Or Father's. I pray that you will continue to grow and will someday reach your full potential.
As you grew, I saw how sad you were, but you would never tell me what was wrong. I know now you felt I would have been angry or would not have believed you. What I want you to know, My Darling Boy, is I would have believed you. I would have made sure Thor would have been punished for his mistreatment of you and so would his friends.
Loki smiled at those words and nodded as he took the teacup from Viva before looking at the rest of Frigga's letter.
Watching you grow more and more melancholy, I feared you would turn to dark magic and become something I would no longer recognize. That is why I was so thrilled when Odin explained YOU were to be king after Thor's exile! I thought you would finally see how much your father and I love you and believed in you. I remember the look you gave me when I told you. You were not pleased as much as you were confused. You didn't believe me. Once I handed you his spear, you changed. I wasn't sure what you were thinking. It was frightening. But not as frightening as when your father and Thor returned to the palace and told me about Bifrost. You and Thor fought before, but never like that. The most frightening part was when your father told me you had let go of Gungnir. I swear my heart shattered. My sweet child was gone! No, this could not be true! You could not be dead!
I demanded he have Heimdall... I cannot begin to tell you the anger I feel toward him for what he had done to you. I demanded Heimdall look for you. To FIND you! When he said he could not sense you anywhere, I cried. I was so distraught that I took to my bed for weeks after your funeral. Your father thought he would lose me as well. It took a while, but I recovered. I never gave up hope that you were alive.
Loki dropped the letter on his lap as he looked at Viva and she felt the grief coursing through him.
"Do you want to take a break?" Viva asked.
"No," he said, picking up the letter again.
When Heimdall finally found you, I was thrilled. You were alive! Your father immediately sent Thor to you, but we had no idea what had happened to you. You seemed so different when you returned. So much anger. So much pain in your eyes.
I wish I could take it from you, but since I cannot, I hope Viva can. I give you all the courage I possess, may you take it and grow stronger. Use it to fight your fears and defeat your demons. Always know you can come to me I will always be there for you.
With all my love,
Mother
Loki found himself blinking back tears. He could feel Frigga' s love for him flowing through him and also her courage.
He put the letters on his lap when he closed his eyes and Viva removed the letters, placing them on the floor. Axelle gently kneaded her paws on his chest as he made a shuddering sigh and the tears fell.
After a brief moment, he surreptitiously wiped them away, then looked at her ruefully. "Forgive me, I am—"
"There is no need to explain. I would give everything I own to hear my mother's voice again," Viva said feelingly, blinking back her own tears.
"You miss her, don't you?"
"Always. Even though I carry her here," she touched her heart.
"I take it you were close with her."
"She was the only parent I had. I was very young—two or three—when my parents separated and Mama and I moved to the mountains. As soon as the ink was dry on the contract, my father remarried. To a 'woman more fitting his station' was how he put it." Viva sneered.
"Was your mother a commoner?"
"No. She was of equal rank as my father. But he preferred another. So we left, and I never saw him again. My mother became both father and mother to me."
He reached out and took her hand in his. "Was she your only family?"
"That I will acknowledge," Viva answered. "My father still lives, and he most likely has children with his second wife. But they do not wish me to be a part of their family, so I am not." She shrugged. "I am content as I am, Loki."
He did not refute her, but he thought of how miserable he had been in his exile, bereft of home and family. He wondered if Viva were truly content, or had she only convinced herself of that fact? Still, he did not want to pry, and as it was he had his own problems to deal with.
He picked up the next letter, recognizing Thor's handwriting, which was a bit messy, though Loki knew his brother had attempted to be neat.
Loki,
Sometimes you must wonder what you did to deserve a wretched older brother like me. I assure you, the blame is all mine. Mother mentioned a promise I made to her. A promise that I later broke. When you were a baby, I asked her what I could do to help her take care of you, and she told me that I needed to teach and protect my little brother. I promised her I would always do so. But when we were children I broke that promise, to my shame now. I have no real excuse, save that as a boy I wanted to impress my friends, and I couldn't if I was looking after my little brother. I was stupid and cruel.
Father should have taken a switch to my backside instead of overlooking what I did all those years ago. Norns know I would have done so to any son of mine who behaved that way. At the time, all I thought of was how lucky I was to be the heir apparent and I thought it made me better than anyone else, including you. How wrong I was!
I was arrogant and selfish and not ready to become king. But no one wanted to admit it, least of all me and Father. Only you were wise enough to know what needed to be done. Getting me exiled to Midgard was the best thing that could have happened to me. For there I truly learned what it meant to be a worthy person. I don't know how you put up with me before.
Loki laughed and shook his head.
"It wasn't easy," he whispered then went back to reading the letter.
I have always admired your determination and discipline, which I lack except when it comes to sparring. You remember how when we were boys our tutor was always telling me to sit still and concentrate? I always envied you your ability to study effortlessly. You are so smart it scares me sometimes. I meant it when I said I need you by my side, Brother. I need your cool conscience to keep me from going off half-cocked and getting Asgard and myself into situations that would destroy us.
Father always told me that a king needs one wise counselor who will always tell him the truth, even if it means calling him an ass. You are my Wise Counselor. I value your wit and your ability to see all sides of an issue, and as angry as I get occasionally, never doubt that I love you for it. Together, we are unstoppable.
Honestly, I am lost without you, Brother.
I pray you forgive me my transgressions, and you mend from whatever those bastards did you. I know you will get better, because you are the strongest person I know. The sun will shine upon you again, Brother.
Thor
Loki re-read the letter as he felt the honesty of Thor's words and he smiled.
"It will, Brother," he whispered then looked at Viva. He wasn't sure if he should ask, but he needed to know. "Do you have any siblings?"
"That I know of? I may," she allowed.
He accepted her answer as he picked up the final letter. His hands shook a little as he looked at Odin's neat handwriting of his name and he opened the letter.
Dear Loki,
As I write this, I stare at the picture on the wall of you and Thor when you were boys and I wonder how I could have been so blind? Laufey took my eye in battle, but I swore that he did not take my ability to discern right from wrong and good from evil But I suppose there is no fool like an old fool. For I missed all the signs that there was something amiss between you and Thor, and between you and I, until you pointed them out to me yesterday.
To begin with, let me start by saying that when I took you from the temple, I did so out of compassion, not out of a need to use you as a pawn upon a chessboard. I would not even have known whose son you were had not I found a note with you stating you were the rightful prince of Jotunheim, Laufey's son whom he had rejected because you were not what he expected. The note asked whoever found you to show you mercy and raise you as their own. I realized that I could not harm an innocent like this, that battle-harden warrior I was, I did not have it in me to make war upon a baby. Before, I had killed with magic from afar, but that was not the same as seeing you before my eyes. So I decided to take you with me, for I knew that Frigga would welcome you, and Thor needed a sibling, the way I had my brothers growing up.
I never saw you as a monster, only as a child who needed a family. I also never meant to make you feel second to your brother. I am ashamed to admit it, but I behaved exactly like my own father did with me and my brothers Villi and Ve. Like you, I was the youngest, and also like you, I had more in common with my mother, Bestla, than I did with my father Bor. And Father never let me forget it. My brothers came first in his regard and affections until the day they died.
It wasn't until they were gone that he actually saw me as anything except the least of his sons. And I swore I would never do what he did to any of my children.
It is to my everlasting shame that I ended up doing so despite all my good intentions.
That day in the vault, I knew my secrets were now on the table. But words failed me as much as my body. When I said "No. Not now.", I was not speaking to you. I was speaking to myself. I prayed the Norns would halt the Odinsleep long enough for me to explain and calm your fears. But that was not to be. My last thought before I entered the dreamworld was for you wait until I woke for us to speak again. I had instructed your mother to give you my spear and make you king during my rest and your brother's exile, but, to my shame, you were not ready to rule. Your mind was clouded by anger, fear and betrayal.
When I woke, she told me about Laufey's attack and my aide told me he had witnessed your battle with Laufey. Before the coward fled, you said you were the Son of Odin. I never felt so proud. Even after everything, you still felt you WERE my son.
Then I heard you and Thor were battling. I feared one or the other would do something foolish and sped to stop you both. I arrived just as Thor destroyed Bifrost and you fell. If I didn't act quickly, I would lose you. You held onto Gunginir with only one hand and refused to take your brother's hand. You told me you had done all this for us. For Asgard. That you still wanted to prove to me that you were worthy. That is why I said no. You didn't have to prove to me that you are worthy. I knew you were.
Loki looked at those last few words and the tears appeared in his eyes again.
I still have nightmares of the look in your eyes. You were totally crushed and defeated. Nothing I would have said if and when we pulled you back up would matter. Not anymore. My heart stopped when you let go and I watched you fall. I tried to use my magic to retrieve you, but my powers were not at full strength. I know that is an excuse, but it is the truth.
After he had been freed, I demanded Heimdall Look for you! I told him finding you was his only mission and he would face death if he did NOT find you! When he reported there was no sign of you anywhere, I was crushed. I lost my sweet boy. I decreed a state funeral for you and everyone from nearly all the realms came to mourn.
The tears blurred his eyes as Loki used the back of his hand to wipe his eyes, but he shook his head from the questions in Viva's eyes.
For months, I would go to him and ask Heimdall to Look again for any sign of you and he told me there were none I do not have your talent for knowing when someone is lying. If I had, he would have paid for what he did to you.
Finally, he saw you on Midgard. You were leading an army of monsters against the mortals. I could not believe this. You were never a violent man. You did not fight unless it was necessary. There had to be a reason for this sudden change.
But even I could have never imagined what had been done to you. or the horrors you have suffered. All because some madman thought he needed ultimate power, and could torture a son of mine with impunity. I have never taken such pleasure as I did when I killed that purple bastard, and his evil torturers! I would have made them all suffer the way they did you, but my greater concern was mending you, so I killed them swiftly.
I retained Viva because I knew she was the best Mind Healer in Asgard, and only the best is good enough for my son. I pray every night for your swift recovery and also that someday you can find it in your heart to forgive your foolish father for his past mistakes. I know that this may seem hard to believe. but I have always been proud of you, you are the son of my heart, and I love you as much as I do Thor.
You will always be a Prince of Asgard, no matter where you were born.
Your loving father,
Odin Rex
Loki set the correspondence down, a stunned look upon his face.
"You look as though you have been hit over the head with Mjolnir," Viva joked. "Was his letter surprising?"
Loki nodded. "All my life, I have waited for my father to tell me what he did in this letter. Now that he finally did, I . . . don't know how to react."
Viva chuckled. "Perhaps you need to take a few moments to process it all. Why don't you finish your tea and do so? I will leave you be for an hour, then I shall return. I need to discuss what may be triggering your panic attacks."
Loki frowned. "But I thought they were brought on by my bad memories and the dark."
"You may also have other things which trigger one, and it is my job to figure out what they are so we can halt them."
"I see. Will it take long?"
"Hopefully not," Viva smiled. "Right now take some time and think upon the letters and consider how they have affected you, for good or bad." She rose gracefully to her feet and slipped from his room like a specter.
He looked at the letters again when Axelle hopped onto his lap and he scratched her chin. She purred as he sipped on the tea and he leaned back in the chair. A soft knock made him look up when the door opened and Thor looked around the door.
"May I...? May I enter?" Thor asked. Nodding, Loki pointed to the chair next to his and Thor walked to the chair, sitting down. "Did you read the letters?"
"Yes, I have," Loki said.
"I want you to know I mean everything I wrote."
"I believe you."
"And I will make amends for what I have done."
"Well, I could use some help."
"Anything!"
"I need help finding out why I am having night terrors and panic attacks."
"I will do whatever it takes to help you, Loki." Thor stated earnestly.
"I know some of the attacks are triggered by things like Bifrost. My falling from it."
"You almost fell again while I was confronting Heimdall."
"Not on purpose!"
"I know. But even seeing you that close to the edge caused me to panic."
"The only difference this time is you CAUGHT me!" he said with a smile.
"I caught you last time." "But, this time, I didn't let go."
"No, you didn't."
"Maybe- Maybe we should start there." Loki proposed.
"Start there?"
"We should go to Bifrost and let me stand there. Not close to the edge, though."
Thor smiled then nodded and Axelle hopped off Loki's lap and onto Thor's.
