I thought writing Alice's letter was bad, and then when I wrote Jake's, I found it tough again. But now I've written Charlie's I'm even more scared about writing Edward's! His will be at the end, with only a few more chapters to go.
I'd like to thank you all for your feedback/favourites/alerts etc - it's all very much appreciated!
So get the tissues ready, and enjoy:
Dad,
I love you; I'll start with that because it seems a good place to begin. I'm ill, you know that, right? Carlisle told me that he informed you all about it, so here I am, telling you myself. I don't want you to be worried about me, scared that my last days alive were spent in pain because they weren't. So far, all I know is it's a painless but very dangerous disease. Don't worry, Dad, I'm fine, for now.
Carlisle is trying his best to look after me, just like Edward and the rest of the family. It's very lucky that I now have a doctor for a father-in-law, especially for a person as clumsy as me. I'm writing this, dad, because I'm ill and I don't think there's much time left before I go. Edward won't let me say goodbyes, but I can't die without saying my goodbyes to you, dad. Rosalie is letting me write this letter, in secret, in private, so I assure you no one is listening in. This is between you and me; Rosalie is supposed to be helping me wash my hair…
There's so much I need to say to you, but there's only so much that I can actually say. There's only so much time... I don't know where to begin.
I love you, dad, so much. I wish we had more time.
Thank you, dad, for being my father, for loving me, caring for me, offering me a home.
I'm so happy that I came to live in Forks with you – at first, it was because of Renée and Phil, but after I'd settled in, I felt like I'd made my own home with you. It was awkward at first, and I regretted it. I blamed myself a little bit because I thought I should have visited more, but school and Renée stopped me from doing that. I missed out on a lot of time that I could have spent with you, but I hope I made up for it. I hope you feel you've got a daughter now.
I need to thank you for so many things. You really did look after me through the hardest time in my life. When Edward left, I felt like my world was crashing down. I felt like I'd died, like the only way was further and deeper into the ground. I bet you don't want to hear about this, I know it was as difficult for you as it was for me, watching your daughter suffer like I did. But when I fell, you helped me up in such a sturdy way, you were great. I didn't fully appreciate it at the time – I thought you were nagging me, annoying me and all I wanted you to do was be quiet because I felt so awful. But you didn't give up. I gave you all the crap that I could, I tried with the minimal effort, but your support didn't falter. You tried your best. And it worked. You did it, you fixed me, and you picked me back up. Not many dad's are able to do that, able to do it in such a way that you left their daughters feeling closer to them.
I'm sorry, dad, for the hurtful things that I've said to you. There was a time, when I'd fallen out with Edward the first time, and I left… I ran away and I said such horrible things that I hated myself for. I still hate myself for saying things like that! You should understand that the pain you felt only mirrored mine – I was aching just as much, if not worse for causing it all.
I'm sorry for when I left without saying goodbye too, the time when I had to help Edward out of trouble in Los Angeles. When I came back, I saw how worried you were and even then, I only say it when it had been diluted with relief of my safe return. It wasn't fair on you.
And about Edward – you played the perfect father role. You offered me support with advice, you really tried your best to be a good father and you were. It was… awkward, when you tried to talk to me… about… pregnancy, and… sex. I was just as embarrassed as you, but I appreciated it, dad. All you did was care about was me; my safety, my happiness, my well-being. You have done such a great job being my dad in the time I needed you the most. I always assumed a mother would be the best parent to have around when I had a boyfriend, that she wouldn't be too protective, or careful, or annoying, but you proved me wrong. You could have done nothing to make the whole thing better.
I know you think I married young, dad. At first, so did I. But why should I have put it off? One thing you should know, if you don't already, is how much I love Edward. I love him with all my heart, and I'll love him for the rest of my life. Ironically, that may not be long. If I do… die, then I'll die a happy woman. I had the chance to be a wife. I had the chance for my father to walk me down the isle.
You gave me away to the most wonderful of men. Both you and Edward share the interests of my well-being, and he would do nothing to harm me, you know that don't you? You should.
I know you didn't really like him at first, because, well, he was my boyfriend. Its principal for a father to hate his daughter's boyfriend, but you suppressed it for my sake. That's another reason that I love you, and another reason why I should thank you!
I'd like to ask something of you, dad, just in case things don't go well, and it ends up… badly. I want you to look after yourself, to get yourself some cooking lessons, or some cook books, or… something. You need to get out of that diner if you're going to keep a healthy heart! I want you to talk to Renée on the phone too, discuss things with her, because I know you'll be lonely if I go. You need to remember the love that you both shared at one point, because I'll no longer be around to be evidence of that.
I'd also like you to talk to Edward; you need to keep him going, because although you aren't keen on him, if I go, things will be hard for him. Things will be more than hard on him, and I worry about things if I go. He's very… open about his feelings if I die, and I wonder if he'll try… try and join me wherever I end up. Maybe, I'm hoping, that if he knows you need him, need to keep in touch with someone who loved me, someone who was a part of me, I'm hoping he'll stick around.
Dad, you know I'm happy, don't you? It's strange, really, because I'm almost certain that I'm not going to make it, but I'm so happy! My life really has turned out to be something that I love. I found my dad again, and I found the love of my existence. It was all because of you, really.
Not only did you give me the love that every daughter should get from a father, you gave me so much more. You tried your hardest, dad, to make things work. I appreciate it, I do so much! How much more can I write?
Do you remember, once, dad, when I came to visit and you struggled to keep up with me? I was some kind of bouncy little girl who was trying to grow up too quickly, not helped by the fact that Renée was a bit…scatterbrained at times. Well, I loved coming to visit you because, although it was awkward, I was me. Forks wasn't a dress up place, where you lied about who you were, like back in the city. I came to you, and I was simply me. I was Bella, and you were my dad.
I don't know whether I'm pleased or not that my goodbye comes in the form of a letter. On one hand, it means that I don't get to say it in person; I don't get to have a final hug, or a final kiss and a final conversation to really convince you I'm okay with this. On the other hand, there is no way that I could have said this much in person. For every word that I write, ten tears fall, each of them stinging my eyes, blotching my cheeks, burning my throat. So, really, you got the best goodbye you could. You not only got more, but you get to keep it. You can look at it when you feel guilty you were not there to say your goodbye. You can look at it if you ever begin to feel your forgetting me, or memories of me are drifting away. You can look at it when you miss me most, and I hope this letter is some form of a substitute for a daughter. I think I realise, now, that it won't even come close.
One thing I know for sure, dad, is you would risk your life for me. You would swap your own life for me, to give me the chance to live. I know that. But it's not possible. So when I'm gone, don't waste your life. Don't let my death kill two.
For when I'm gone, or if you forget, dad; I'll always love you, and I'll always be grateful for everything you've done for me.
Just in case
Bella, xx
Cry much? Maybe it's just me! I really liked writing this. I could really be emotional, but it's particularly hard because Charlie doesn't know about all the supernatural. I did contemplate whether to put in about vampires, or Bella's pregnancy, but I thought it would be extremely mean/selfish of Bella. She would be writing this goodbye letter leaving so many questions un-answered that Charlie wouldn't know the answer to. Instead, I left it safe, emotional, and totally human with the lie Carlisle told him.
Please review!! Your thoughts are always helpful to me, and make me smile! I need some smiles after writing this! Haha.
Thanks for reading x
