8.
I. Enough (BellaPOV)
The phone rang again for the hundredth time that morning, as Bella searched frantically for her paper work. Finally she had been approved, the process to move Wendy in with her and Charlie had begun. Sue had been helping her get everything together and she continued to offer her support and for that Bella was grateful. Months had gone by, nearly four since she or anyone had seen the little girl and Bella was nervous. What if she didn't remember her, didn't like her? How was she going to react to being moved again? Bella hoped that she could be enough for her, there were countless foster parenting programs, workshops and classes she still had to attend and she was more than happy to but even after all that, how could she be prepared to take on a child?
Bella thankfully did get a job working at the hospital of all places. It was an admin position, not something she thought she'd end up with but something she really did enjoy. She had never thought of herself as a people person, but here she was greeting, comforting and sometimes calming down anyone who walked through those doors. This was something she was actually really good at, not that she would ever give her self any real credit though. She originally applied for a job in the cafeteria to start with and when she went in for an interview they offered her this much better paying position with far more reasonable hours. Of course she was suspicious, it all happened a little too easily and she thought the Cullen's had probably put in a word for her but it didn't matter, she was making enough money to be able to support herself and the child she was hoping to take on. Why on earth would she turn down that opportunity, even if it was a handout from the Cullen's, at least they weren't doing something obnoxious like putting money in her account or something.
"Found it!" She grabbed the envelop and picked up the phone. It was the social worker again, she had been calling all morning. Bella did her best to remain polite as the woman demanded this and that over the phone, it would all be worth it in the end. More questions, and she understood that it was part of this woman's job to protect the welfare of this child but god was she a pain in the ass. After giving her the information needed Bella hung up and looked around, it was a mess. Working full time meant Bella had less time to take care of the house, she was going to need to learn to manage that eventually.
As Bella cleaned she thought about how much her life was changing. Everyone's was. It wasn't like it used to be, but as she learned, it never was and that wasn't a bad thing. There was a man in her life, although things really hadn't progressed and as she discovered, they might not, ever. Not if Paul or her didn't want them to. This bond, the mystical tie that brought them together may dissolve the way Sam and Emily or Quil and Claire's did. Paul still kept her close though, he called, he texted and came by when he could. She tried not to let it get to her, things were good but she really wanted more and that bothered her. Unfortunately Bella had too much time away from Paul to think about him, she felt guilty because he had his own shit to deal with and that she wanted him just drove her crazy. Perhaps she just needed a fling, just to get it out of her system, she was young and taking on all this responsibility made her want to feel like the woman she was trying to be.
Sighing to herself, Bella flopped on the couch. There were moments she allowed herself to just feel, without all the guilt. Paul was not Edward, he was not Jacob, he was unlike anyone she could ever imagine being with. It drove her mad because she hadn't even kissed him and that's all she could think about half the time, he was like the biggest tease without even trying to be and it pissed her off. Here she was still a virgin, she feared at this rate she might become too frigid to function on a regular basis and he flaunted himself, not that he realized that's what he was doing, at her and practically every other woman he came in contact with. At least she could take care of herself though, she wasn't that much of a prude, she was a woman with needs and if no one else was going to take care of her, she had to do it herself. It took her a few moments to shake the frustration, there would be plenty of time to torture herself later, Bella got up and carried on cleaning, this mess wasn't going to clean itself.
The good news of Wendy's soon to be return had spread quickly, Charlie was still hesitant about the entire situation and she could understand, she was the only child he'd really ever been around, and that was only during school breaks, if and when her mom actually allowed it. He hadn't said much to her but she knew when he took on extra shifts and offered himself up to surrounding counties that he was trying extra hard to avoid being home and god forbid, having to voice his concerns about the matter. Bella tried to talk to him but he always managed to worm his way out of it, so she started to look for a place of her own.
Considering Bella would be the main caregiver it didn't really matter if she stayed with Charlie or not, she really didn't want to stress him out. Sue had become a mother-figure to Bella, she was exactly the type of woman she wanted to be like. When she called Bella to tell her there was a place available for her and Wendy on the rez, she broke down. It was too much, no one had ever really taken care of things for her, but Sue had gone out of her way to help in every possible way, it was overwhelming.
Between packing, working and getting everything ready for Wendy, Bella found herself thinking less and less about Paul or anyone for that matter. It caught her off guard when one of the EMT's she had become familiar with at the hospital, asked her out. Bella declined as politely as she knew how because she didn't date. That wasn't something she did, and she couldn't really imagine trying at this point in her life.
It had been almost two weeks since she'd seen Paul, when he showed up at Charlie's her stomach flipped and she wasn't sure if he could still hear her breath catch and her heart speed up…it was ridiculous and it made her angry. Fuck the guilt and endless torture she put herself through, what did he want from her anyway? It wasn't like he had to be there and he wasn't really trying to be. What did he want from her!
Bella waited, he was obviously there for something and she knew it wasn't her, not in that way anyway, it never would be. That truth was like a knife to her heart but she had to accept it, her whole world had been turned upside down, just as his was and she was tired of tip toeing around him. Tired of waiting for him to decide whether she was worth keeping around. It was driving her crazy, she actually felt insane. Paul looked tired and sounded tired as he sat down next to her.
"I'm sorry I haven't been around." She looked everywhere but at him, he was trying to break her down again, keep her in this constant state of suffering. "All this pack shit, if we could even call ourselves a pack anymore, has been a bitch to deal with." He looked right at her and she refused to meet his eyes. No. Enough was enough and Bella was tired of being brushed aside. The pack was one part of his life and she really wanted to be part, any part of his life and it was like this impenetrable wall that she was done trying to break through.
"I know it's not fair to you and I came to tell you I don't think I can…" He paused sighing, she could feel that stabbing pain, so much deeper. Why wasn't she ever enough? Bella did her best to fight back the massive tears she could feel slipping. Too late. "I'm sorry Bella, I really care about you but I don't know how to be this…" He gestured to himself then to her. "to be us." She took a shaky breath and stood up, she was angry and there was no reason for her to hold back anymore.
"You don't get to just hurt me like this Paul!" Bella stared him down, she could look him in the eye now. "I have suffered so much these last few months, right along with you. I know it hasn't been easy for you but do you really think I haven't felt every bit of that pain!" He shook his head but she wouldn't let him get another word in. No, because she was tired of remaining silent for his benefit. "I know you didn't mean for this to happen and I know you have tried to run from it, from me." she wiped the tears angrily, it hurt to have him sit here and tell her what she already knew.
"I know you didn't want this Paul…" her voice softened. "I know you didn't…don't want me." He stood, pulling her into his arms, a place she had missed, a place she wanted to stay forever yet it was a terrible place she wanted to run away from. Bella struggled to free herself, it wasn't very hard, she noticed that he was no longer the rock-solid over sized being she remembered him as, there was something almost fragile, so human about him. "No. You don't get to touch me anymore." She shook her head sadly. "Not that you ever wanted to." It was so hard to control her emotions, she felt so rejected and she wanted to hit him and scream and stomp her feet because it wasn't fair. "Leave!" she yelled at him, she'd never yelled at him or really anyone before and it stung. He stood there, head down, looking like she'd just slapped him. Oh how she wanted to. When he didn't move she pointed to the door and lowered her voice. "Leave." With that he left, as quickly as he'd come.
Bella had never felt so completely angry in her whole life. Eventually that anger turned to sadness, the pain she felt made her want to crumple up and die and she knew it was selfish but she felt it anyway. It wasn't like when Edward left her, this was different, this was real. Instead of shutting herself down, Bella threw her whole self out there, she wasn't going to suffer any longer. Before Wendy would come stay with her, she would get this hurt out of her system.
II. Messy.(PaulPOV)
He knew it wasn't fair to string Bella along for his own selfish needs. There were way too many issues he had to deal with before he could even think about being with someone else, especially Bella. The truth was, he could never be enough for her, she had her shit together, he didn't. All he did was fuck shit up and he didn't want to continue to fuck up her life any more than he already had. The imprint, if that's what it was, was still lingering, he could feel her, even when she wasn't there. This was his last attempt to fight it and he gave it everything he got. Did he expect her to fight for him? Of course not. It fucking killed him to hurt her though, the actual ache he felt in his chest when he told her he couldn't be with her. Then the tearing of whatever was holding him together as she accepted this. Never had he felt so proud and hurt, she was right though and he knew she would be okay. He was a selfish prick and he knew he didn't deserve her, probably never would.
The dynamic of the pack had slipped away, they were still close though because they wanted to be not because they had to be. Jared was the only one who held on to the idea of an imprint, Kim wouldn't let him walk away even if he tried, it was a genuine love and even if they didn't last forever, they were both happy now and no supernatural shit was going to get in the way of that. Sam hadn't even really tried to go after Emily, she sent for the rest of her things and Paul as well as everyone else knew that Sam had no intention of fighting for her. He moved out of "their" house and back in with his mom, this was the place that had opened up for Bella and Wendy, not that he thought she knew it yet.
Some of them could still phase, Paul tried but most times he could only manage a few minutes if he was lucky, it was never something he thought he'd miss but he did. The freedom he had to be away from La Push, away from his own stupid human thoughts, he missed it. None of them had really figured out why it had happened the way it did, of course trying to make sense of it, made no sense at all so they just let it be. Had this happened with the others and gone unrecorded? Jake's theory was that because they had become so disconnected from what was supposed to be natural to them as people, it kept their wolf's life spans shorter. They were distant from each other as people, from physically interacting with one another, it threw them off in every other way. They were lucky enough, as Embry put it, to have had that connection with themselves, with each other for the short time they had. Paul supposed he was right but he didn't think on it too much.
Paul had unintentionally landed himself a job at the elementary school, he volunteered to help with the PE program first, a recreational program Leah set him up with. Somehow that turned into an actual job, he coordinated a before and after school program for kids, it was the last place he imagined himself being but he really enjoyed it. Paul didn't seem to get any smaller when he stopped phasing, the way Embry and Quil did, a little softer but no smaller and it made him look like a giant with all those kids, but they loved it. Leah would tease him about being a walking jungle gym, which he felt like most days but he really enjoyed working and knowing that he was actually serving some sort of purpose in his community. It kept him sane and kept him from doing something stupid like trying to beg Bella to forgive him and give him another chance. It kept him from going crazy, from feeling useless and guilty, things he had become so accustomed to feeling lately.
When he wasn't working or working out, which was another thing he found himself doing a lot of. Paul was spending most of his time with Embry and his mom, Tiffany had taken him in and even if he was a grown ass man, it was nice to have a sort-of mom around, she would call him, check in on him if he didn't come by, it was a nice feeling to be cared about that way. There was always something to do though and it was hard for him to sit around feeling sorry for himself. Hard for him to think less of himself, he was starting to believe he was actually deserving of something good in this world, well...most of the time. It usually all ended when he got home to his dim and empty house, the silence would lure out all those thought's he'd fought away during the day...he would eventually torture himself to sleep with thoughts of his failures and losses. It was pathetic, he knew that, no way to live but it was the way he lived and he couldn't imagine that changing. In fact it seemed to get worse when Bella moved to La Push.
She moved into Sam and Emily's old place after they painted and repaired whatever needed fixing, it was in perfectly good condition but Sam wanted it to look different, he knew that Bella and Wendy deserved a somewhat fresh start, they all knew that. He thought Sam also did it so he wouldn't have to be reminded of that part of his life. Not that he was miserable but it was clear that Sam had felt trapped, not just by Emily but by everyone, Paul didn't blame him, he had been forced into the role of alpha, forced into taking a mate that wasn't his choice, forced into constant pain in misery of the woman he had loved and hurt in the process. Yea Paul didn't blame the guy.
Bella had avoided Paul and he understood, he tried to make it easier for her by keeping his distance. She still had some time to get everything ready before Wendy moved in and he noticed her absence over the weekends. It drove him crazy, he heard she was dating and he knew he had no right to be angry or jealous but he was. It was of course Leah who put him in his place and kept him from following her off the rez. When he did happen to run into her, her face would flush and although he could no longer hear it, he knew her heart still picked up speed, his did too. It didn't change anything though, he was still a pretty big mess and he still didn't think it fair that she'd be the one to clean it up.
It wasn't fair to make her suffer anymore than he had. They had both been through enough and he thought just maybe he needed to let her live her own life, give her some normalcy and give himself the time he needed to heal.
AN: Well I have completely frustrated myself with this chapter, I hate angst, HATE IT! and at the snails pace things are going with Paul and Bella, I get it if you're feeling the frustration too. I apologize for this ridiculously late update, I hate when any fic I'm following is so inconsistent, it drives me crazy, I am sorry for taking so long. No excuses, just life again. I hope this chapter was worth the wait...the next one will bring back Wendy and pretty much a shit storm filled with drama for pretty much everyone.
