I am surprised at how easy it is to get into the back room for Armageddon. The other wrestlers seem surprised to see me.
Do they know?
Triple H stops me, "Hey Jeff, I thought you hurt yourself and weren't coming back for a while."
Calm down, you're Jeff. "Yeah I heard that Matt was here, do you know where I can find him?" My heart is racing and I'm sure I must look like a deer caught in the headlights to Triple H. I can't help it, though. He's one of the best wrestlers here… and I only look like Jeff, so forgive me if I'm a little star struck.
"Yeah, I think he's hanging out by the ladies locker room. Go down that way and turn left. It's the fifth door on the right. You can't miss it. He's sitting outside cuz they won't let him go in."
"Yeah… thanks man. I'll catch you later." I walk away from him trying to act natural, but I'm sure I look like a lost child in a candy store. Sure enough I turn the corner and there's Matt sitting on a chair outside the door. I'm about to yell to him when from behind me I hear a gruff voice calling to me.
"Jeff, hey come with me, I need to have a talk with you."
I turn and Mr. Vince McMahon himself is staring me down. What could I do but follow him? We enter his office and he closes the door.
"So I hear you injured yourself. You been keeping in shape?"
"Yeah, I kept up with my weight training so I would be ready when I recovered." I hate improv-lying.
"Well, you look healthy to me, so how about doing a match tonight? I'll give you an easy one."
Oh crap. "Well, I don't know…"
"Good! Get ready, I'm putting you up against your brother, Matt. We need an exciting match in tonight's lineup and your brother has been so wrapped up training the new Diva that I want to make sure he remembers how to wrestle!"
"Are you sure that's such a good idea without my doctor giving me the OK?"
Vince laughs. "Since when do you need your doctor's OK to wrestle? It's never stopped you before. Now get to the locker room and get ready, you're going on after this match."
I leave the room in a daze, I don't know how to wrestle! I change into Jeff's wrestling attire, struggling angrily with the torn pantyhose he wears on his arms. OK, it looks good, but why would you wear something so difficult to get on? I douse my hair in water and sit down to wait, trying to decipher a way out of this conundrum. Before I can think of an excuse Matt walks in looking blindsided.
"Mr. McMahon just told me we're in a match against each other."
"It's not the first time."
"Well considering the fact that you're not really my brother, yeah, it is. Do you even know how to wrestle?"
"No I… how did you know I'm not really Jeff?"
"Jess Infinity is Jeff."
"Jess Infinity is me! And my name is Adrianne, by the way. Does Jeff know we're in a match?"
"Yeah, he's on his way…"
Some techie pokes his head into the room. "Guys, it's time to go. Jeff, you're out first."
Matt and I exchange looks that have one meaning to them: Oh shit!
As we walk to the stage entrance I can hear fans screaming and Shawn Michaels' music playing on the loudspeakers. He must have won.
"Do you know how to do the entrance?" Matt looks worried.
"It's not the entrance I'm worried about. But yeah, I think I can do it."
Jeff's music starts up and the next thing I know I'm going through the motions of actually being Jeff Hardy. I'm surprised that I don't fall flat on my face. When Matt comes down and they ring the bell we look at each other, unsure of how we're going to get out of this. Then it just happens. Without thinking I leap at Matt and catch him in a grapple. Everything becomes one instinctive attack and evade after another; everything blurs together and I stop thinking.
When I finally snap out of my little trance I am shocked to find that Matt is laying on the mat, breathing hard and looking absolutely astonished. Jeff's music is playing. I won.
I won!?!
I meet Matt backstage later and he still looks stunned. "How did you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Execute every move perfectly. You did a flawless Swanton Bomb… how?"
"I… I blanked out. Everything became a blur. It's like my body was acting out of instinct and memory. Is that even possible?"
"I guess it is."
I begin to walk away and a sharp pain moves down my right thigh, Matt must've done something to it. "Where do I go to get some ice around here?"
"You need it too? Come on, bro."
I am too exhausted to correct him, in fact I'm too drained to even remember what I am supposed to be doing. I take the ice pack offered to me by Matt and welcome the numbness it spreads through my thigh. He and I sit down and watch the TV on a stand in the corner of the locker room showing live footage of the show. Before I know it Edge has been defeated by the Undertaker for the umpteenth time and they're announcing the next match. A title match for the Women's Championship. Beth Phoenix will be defending her title against…oh crap… me! That's what I'm supposed to be doing!
"Matt! We gotta get to Jeff! We gotta stop the match!"
"Relax, uh… you. Jeff can take care of himself. Trust me, that title is as good as his."
"It's Adrianne… and that's my body!"
"And he knows it's limits, Adrianne, trust me. You'll be fine."
"What if Beth the female behemoth breaks my collarbone like she did to Candice Michelle? What then smart ass?"
"Jeff is too good to let that happen. Just sit back and watch and enjoy."
So I do. And Matt is right. Not only can Beth not keep up with my small flexible body, but Jeff seems to have mastered it's use and become very nimble. However, Jeff has been wrestling for years as a man, so when it comes to chick fighting he's a bit inept. In other words, he kicked Beth into the next millennium and mopped her up with her own hair. As it turns out, women really can't stand up to a man's way of fighting. Men punch for the face and throw each other around, aiming to hurt each other in every way possible. Women try to do it looking sexy and trying not to get injured in the process. Jeff (or Jess as the fans were screaming) didn't care what happened, so long as he won. And win he did. Technically that makes him the first man to be the Women's champion. Huh…
Jeff walks backstage, beaming. All the other girls run to congratulate him.
"Jess, you're our savior!"
"Someone finally stopped that cows reign!"
Et cetera.
I walk out and clear a path toward Jeff. I look so small compared to this body. It's so strange towering over myself.
"Jess Infinity, I don't believe we've met yet. Matt kept talking about you, and I saw you on TV. You truly are an amazing wrestler."
"I learned by watching and training with the best." Smart Jeff… play it cool.
"You wanna go somewhere to talk?" I extend my hand and he takes it. It's strange knowing there is a man in my body, controlling my every move. I feel like I'm watching a dummy of me and Jeff is the puppeteer putting words in my mouth and moving me. I'm not angry, on the contrary, I am intrigued. Matt ushers us into an empty room away from everyone.
"OK," I finally ask, "how do we do this?"
"You mean you don't know? Aren't you the one who did this to me?"
"Jeff, I mean Jess, I mean Adrianne… whoever you are… damnit! Now I'm confused. I don't think we should start pointing fingers. I think we should figure out how to get you two back into your own bodies." Matt interjects, trying to settle everyone's nerves.
I take the lead, "OK, I think I know someone who can help us. Pack you're things. If we leave tonight we can get there by tomorrow."
"And where exactly are we going?" I didn't know I could sound so snotty.
"Wyoming. We're going to see someone who might know what to do."
