Chapter 8 – Destined for Damnation
It had been only a short time since that ever so lingering kiss, but it still replayed in Sister Bernadette's head with a vengeance. Even the thought of him left her feeling slightly breathless now, but, as she always had, she tucked her feelings deep into her pocket and carried on.
"Sister Bernadette, would you be so kind as to cover my appointments today? I have been called away for some other urgent matters. One of my appointments includes going before the medical board with Doctor Turner to address the need for the X-ray Van," Sister Julienne politely requested.
Sister Bernadette was perfectly fine with covering appointments, but when she mentioned the appointment with Doctor Turner, she thought she'd lost all control of her lungs. Within an instant, she had regathered herself, knowing that her conflicted feelings were of no matter in this situation, and work must be done. "Certainly, Sister. I'd be glad to," she gracefully replied.
After getting the rest of the nurses and nuns ready for their day, she had to mentally prepare for her own. Be tough! Don't show any signs of interest in what happened. Be stern! DON'T LOOK AT HIS EYES!
As she made her way down the front steps, she saw the surprise in his face immediately. She had to restrain herself from smiling because she could tell it was a good surprise. She believed he was happy to see her. Don't let it get to your head! Straight face and keep moving! This is business! She explained that she was there in Sister Julienne's place due to unforeseen circumstances. He began rambling on about being late and not finding a tie. How is he late? He was out here waiting for me. He's nervous. I make him nervous. "I am here as a favour to Sister Julienne, that is all," She said aloud, when she had meant for it be a mental self-scolding. How pretentious do you sound now! That was not supposed to come out of your mouth, dummy!
His slight response of "Of course" sounded nearly pitiful, as though she had wounded him slightly. Well this day has started out brilliantly! Ugh!
The ride to the medical board office was a silent one. Sister Bernadette noticed, but was somewhat grateful that he hadn't tried to make small talk, or worse, mention their encounter in the parish hall kitchen. She took the time to think, then fuss at herself when she'd sneak a peek at his gorgeous features when he wasn't looking.
When they arrived, her role was merely a representative of her fellow nurses, therefore, she had no intention of speaking or contributing to the discussion at all; however, she saw that despite his passion and conviction, Doctor Turner was in need of help. The board simply wasn't taking what he had to say to heart and it was not only heart crushing, but it was making her a bit peeved. So, as soon as there was a break in the conversation, she spoke up, knowing that she would be the additional voice that he needed. The adrenaline coursed through her, as this was something she wasn't used to doing, and it seemed to radiate onto Doctor Turner. By the time they left, she felt certain that they had truly made a case that couldn't be denied. She couldn't help herself in congratulating him. "Congratulations Doctor Turner, you were truly…" so inspiring and I want to just kiss you. No! You can't say that! "..quite tremendous," she continued. He returned the compliment, and gave her another one of those knee-weakening gazes. She had to break away before they completely gave out, but she was floating on cloud nine. Despite the nearly silent trip back, her high had not faded upon arrival at Nonnatus. She shared all of the details – outside of all of her inappropriate feelings and thoughts – with her fellow nurses who agreed that it sounded so exciting and dramatic. Just then, Sister Monica Joan announced, "When you speak of the sun, so it shines." Sister Bernadette looked up to see Doctor Turner walking into the dining room. I couldn't have said it better myself, Sister. She thought of Sister Monica Joan's introduction. He truly was her sun and he shone upon her to make her feel radiant.
He announced that an X-ray Van was coming a week from next Tuesday. She was so thrilled, as was everyone else, that their trip had been successful that day. By the time she went to bed that night, she was still so high from the day's excitement, that she completely forgot to pray for forgiveness, guidance, and a sign.
"A Week from Next Tuesday"
The day they'd all been anxiously awaiting had finally arrived. The X-ray Van was there and they truly had no idea what to expect. Sister Bernadette made her way to the van to assist the doctor and couldn't believe the crowd that had gathered. Doctor Turner was obviously more than pleased, and she couldn't have been happier that they'd had such success with something that they both felt so strongly about.
Everything was moving along perfectly, until a little girl decided to give her mother fits about entering the van. Those endearing and calm motherly instincts of Sister Bernadette's kicked in immediately when she offered to help. She took her own x-ray to show her, then allowed the little girl her turn. Oh, I just love children. I love making them feel better, she again thought to herself, as she had done many times before since her revelation with Timothy Turner after his mother passed. As she escorted the little girl out of the van, she turned to see Doctor Turner giving her yet another one of those loving gazes he seems to give her so frequently now, but it wasn't until he told her that she was a natural that she truly melted inside.
The day had gone on without a hitch, and Sister Bernadette couldn't have been more pleased. It was incredible how much she and Doctor Turner had accomplished. They made such an amazing team. She was just in the dining room with her fellow nurses about to enjoy a cup of celebratory Horlicks when Sister Julienne came to her ask her to see Doctor Turner in private.
Has he come to celebrate our successes? But why does he want to see me in private? Does he want to discuss our "moment"? No, surely not here. He is probably just as excited as I am and wants to share in this delight. She thought to herself as she entered the clinical room where Doctor Turner awaited, but it was within a moment that she knew that something wasn't as it should be. She tried to stay as optimistic as possible and keep her spirits up as she had had the most amazing past few days/weeks, but it was getting harder by the second. His demeanour was too professional and something was terribly off. Then he handed her the x-ray. She looked down and said, "These have my name on it." All hope of a positive meeting was lost. He began discussing the matter and she was only half listening and asking a question here or there, but her mind was racing. Oh God, this is my sign. I've been sent a death sentence for my sins. I've asked for a sign, and here I have it. Why didn't I back away sooner? Why didn't I ask to leave Poplar as soon as it started?
"Have you had any symptoms?" His words tore her briefly from her thoughts of self-blame. "No," she immediately responded, but then corrected herself, with "well, a little breathlessness, maybe," and her thoughts finished the sentence with, "but only when you're around."
He explained that he'd have to carry out an examination, which she already knew is standard protocol for something like that, but she just went numb at the idea. She began removing layers of her habit, with Sister Julienne's help, in preparation for the examination, and suddenly realised that this was her dream turned nightmare. Maybe God had already been giving her signs in her dreams, and now she was having to live it out. She couldn't even look at him during the exam because in her dream, when he touched her, it was meant to be intimate, not to diagnose the level of her deadly disease.
Immediately following the examination, she found refuge in her cell while Sister Julienne did her best to comfort her before being called to a particularly difficult case. Sister Bernadette didn't spend the night crying, for she was in shock. She would have never seen this coming in a million lifetimes.
The next morning, Doctor Turner took her straight to the London for the more precise testing that was needed for the final conclusion of her diagnosis. Once it was all complete and confirmed, he drove her to the sanatorium where she would receive the triple treatment in an attempt to battle the TB. The relatively long ride was made in silence as Sister Bernadette silently spewed her own anger in her mind toward herself. She was distraught at the idea of dying so young, and in between her horrid self-blaming internal screams, she begged God for a second chance. God, please let me live. I'll follow your plan no matter what direction that is. I will not veer from the path you set before me as I have done before. I just beg that you allow me the chance to live and serve you however you see fit. She finished this final prayer just as she and Doctor Turner arrived at the Sanatorium. As they exited the car, he gave her one last loving gaze, and as she thought he was about to say something endearing, he said, "The triple treatment can be miraculous." At this point, she knew she simply had to keep her faith and trust that God would point her to the proper path, and maybe it wasn't one that involved Doctor Turner at all. She graciously responded with, "We shall see."
As he handed her suitcase to her, she said, "Thank you, Doctor. You've been…" she trailed off because there were so many things she wanted to say because she didn't know if she'd have another opportunity, but she knew she must have faith that what was necessary to be said, would be. So, she finished with, "..more than kind," and walked away to begin her fight for life and hope for a new path from God that would keep her alive.
