A/N: Alright friends! Sorry to make you wait more than a month for this update, I'm doing the best I can with my new job. At least it wasn't as long as the hiatus. Thank you all so much for sticking around and continuing to read. Things for Matthew, Jackson, and April are progressing and you might be surprised how it susses out, though there are hints in this chapter. Enjoy, and please let me know what you think!


Cramming a mouthful of french fries into his mouth, Alex chewed loudly as he gaped at Jackson incredulously, "You're buying Kepner a freaking hospital?"

"Avery is a king maker, now," Cristina added exchanging an amused glance with Meredith. "First he gives her the Harper Avery, then he gives her a hospital."

"It's no big deal," Jackson grumbled, poking lethargically at his taco salad. "She's more than capable of holding the position..."

It was a rare occasion that any of the old group of residents got the chance to actually sit together as a group at lunch. They were all pretty big shot attendings, with residents, practices, and departments to lord over. Cristina traveled a lot and lectured at medical schools. Alex and Meredith were both busy with spouses, projects and children. Jackson had other hospitals and the foundation to attend to.

It wasn't like when they were interns and residents and they would all congregate as a group in the cafeteria, gossiping about anything and everything, complaining about scut work, and trying to hide away from the fiercest attendings.

He could see them all clearly in his mind sitting together in their light blue scrubs, even now. Little moments spent as a group that all added up to an image of their time as residents. Just like it was yesterday.

Alex was stuffing his face. Meredith and Cristina leaning together to share whatever secrets passed between twisted sisters. Jackson was trying to recount some story Sloan had told him over a nose job earlier in the day. Lexie had looked as uncomfortable as he always looked when Mark came up in conversation. April looked somewhat scandalized by the typical kind details in a Dr. Sloan story, but Jackson figured it couldn't be so bad because at least she was laughing.

Those days were long gone.

Jackson almost missed it. For a split second. Then he remembered how nosy his friends could really be. How much they loved to tease. Relentlessly. And how much he hated it.

Karev was still blinking in disbelief, "You're literally buying her a hospital?"

"If you're not careful, you'll start rumors, Jackson" Mer chuckled, looking at him with eyes that almost seemed like they knew all his problems. Not that she possibly could. He didn't even think he had a full grasp on all of them himself. "Remember, nepotism is for the weak..."

Jackson rolled his eyes, "It's only a trauma center and, per our last meeting, you both know it's not like we weren't already looking at the property to begin with."

"We were?" Alex asked.

Meredith and Cristina nodded sagely.

"It's been on the agenda," Jackson explained.

The board had been discussing the purchase ever since the little Bellevue Acute Trauma center across the lake had began having financial problems following the loss of a massive malpractice suit the previous year. The Level II trauma center had been poorly managed for years before that, and all the ineptitude finally caught up with the hospital when they got slammed with a ten person ski accident. The trauma center's disorganization led to the delay of a vital transfer of a serious patient to Grey Sloan Memorial, which ultimately resulted in the patient's death.

The family had sued and the resulting loss of the lawsuit cost the small hospital almost everything. The chief of surgery and senior staff had mostly been fired, and it was currently closed, pending a sale or buyout.

In other words, the place was a mess.

It was Hunt's pet project actually. He believed that smaller specialty trauma center's did have a place in the medical community, as stop gaps between larger better equipped hospitals. Though this kind of facility wasn't exactly in vogue in the country at large, Hunt had compelling research that for some patient's, a place like Bellevue Acute could create better outcomes, if there were run properly.

Both Hunt and the entire board agreed, that Bellevue Acute Trauma's location, on the east side of Lake Washington, a short chopper ride away from both Seattle and the popular ski and nature area of Snoqualmie National Forest, provided a vital link between medical centers. A critical patient from the east side could be cared for and stabilized by a team of trauma specialists before being transferred to a Level I hospital in Seattle. BAT was only minutes away from Grey Sloan by car and chopper.

It could buy them time and advanced care. And with traumatic injuries, time was everything.

And so the Harper Avery Foundation and Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital made the decision to purchase the smaller hospital to continue providing that much needed time to any patient it might benefit.

Alex rolled his eyes, "Oh right, board crap. Glad I don't have to deal with it..."

Jackson watched as the smaller man shifted uncomfortably, taking a huge bite of his burger and avoiding eye contact with everyone else at the table. Even after so many years, it was clear that Karev still remained very acutely aware of how close he really was to potentially being on the board, and all the trauma that had proceeded it. Arizona Robbins had taken his seat on the fateful flight after all. And everyone could tell the man still felt guilty about it.

"It's a good business opportunity for the foundation," Jackson reasoned, pulling the subject back to the topic of acquiring Bellevue Acute Trauma and asking April to be chief of surgery. "We were going to do it anyway, and if April says yes, then at least we'll have someone we know and trust working over there and not putting us on the hook for screw ups like they've had over there in the past. She would do a good job. It's not really all that personal."

Well, it kind of was, and the only person present who Jackson knew could honestly suspect as much was Alex Karev. And he could tell by the look on his friend's face and the way he took a huge bite of his burger, that Alex didn't buy the whole 'not personal' thing for one minute.

In fact moments later, when Jackson stood up with his food tray and tried to make a clean getaway, Karev followed him the whole time, from the trash to the tray return and all the way out into the hallway.

Finally Alex crossed his arms and blocked Jackson's path, "Not personal, my ass."

"Hey man, I've got a meeting at 2..." Jackson's eyes darted around the empty hallway nervously.

"You can spare two freaking minutes, dude," the shorter man tilted his head to one side."What gives?"

Jackson shrugged, "It doesn't matter."

"Oh, I think it does," Alex retorted. "This is about you and April."

"Her mother in law is sick. They are moving here anyway..."

Alex's brow furrowed in suspicion, "People just don't randomly buy other people hospitals. Even if they are moving to town. Normal people don't anyway. And Kepner...I don't know exactly what you doing with her, but this isn't just some freaking coincidence!"

"Shush!" Jackson hissed, trying not to draw attention, Keeping his voice low, he had to concede, "Okay, no it's not. I just-I just want her here. Close by, you know?"

Jackson couldn't really describe it. He just knew that there was a part of him that was elated that the turn of events over the past month and a half would result in April living literally a short drive away. He didn't think he could stand going back to having her live across the country. And while April had flat out refused to even consider the notion of coming back to work at Grey Sloan, Jackson felt the drive to do whatever he could to keep her close by.

Alex seemed to sense the inner most direction of Jackson's thoughts and he scowled, "She's married, Avery. You can't go there. No matter how much you want to."

It was hard for Jackson to believe that Alex Karev of all people would be speaking what seemed like logic in all of this. Then again, he knew that he didn't really want to face logic when it came to April. He could see that she was unhappy. He was too. And he felt like that alone would somehow be enough to convince her to give them a second chance to do things right together. Without all the mistakes.

If April was in Bellevue, Jackson felt like he could make that happen.

And even if his half brained hope that he could somehow lure April away from her husband and her obviously rocky marriage was so clearly doomed to fail, Jackson would at least get to see and work with her if she took the job at Bellevue Acute Trauma.

"I'm just trying to help out someone I care about..."

Jackson realized that he wanted to say someone he loved. Because he'd always thought that he'd never been in love before, and that maybe he would never be in love. He thought it didn't exist. He thought he didn't deserve it. He thought it was hurt him. So Jackson never said it back to April when she told him that she loved him.

Only the whole time he really had been in love with her without even realizing. All along. Jackson was still in love with April Kepner. Even if her last name was Taylor now. He was in love with her and there was no one else he could see himself ever being in love with.

Leaving a worn out Lexie snoring in his bed, Jackson stumbled down the stairs of Meredith's house, heading straight to the kitchen in search of a snack. Normally, sex left him sleepy, but tonight he was feeling wide awake and starving. Opening the cupboards and the refrigerator, he felt a bit disappointed. The so called frat house was drastically low on groceries.

April usually ensured that the kitchen was well stocked, since quite often, she was the only one who actually used the room for it's intended purpose. But lately she had been spending time out after work out, apparently on quasi dates with Dr. Stark of all people. At least that's what Alex had told him. April insisted that it was just friendly hanging out. Either way, the grocery supply was low.

Jackson pulled a carton of milk out of the fridge and made a face.

Friendly. Sure...He didn't pretend to know much about April's relationship with the universally hated pediatric head. He knew that friendships didn't come as easily to her as they did to him, and that he could definitely say that he fit in better and had more of a network at Seattle Grace since the merger. But he knew that for April, he was still probably her only good friend. She was his best friend and he was hers.

And it wasn't like Jackson didn't want April to have other friends. It was just that he was positive that Stark's motivation in spending time with April was anything but friendly. And that was not okay with Jackson. For all he might tease her, he knew that April was too special for Stark.

Suddenly remembering that there was popcorn, popped and available in the house, Jackson grabbed a can of beer and made his way out into the living room, where he could see the flicker of a black and white movie still playing on the television set. He and Lexie had been getting hot and heavy in the living room when April had not so subtly kicked them out in order to watch an old ass movie.

Jackson entered the living room to find the movie still playing, but to an unconscious audience. April was slumped on the couch arm rest, eyes closed, popcorn bowl still balancing in her lap as she snored softly. He smirked and shook his head.

Gently sliding the bowl of popcorn from April's lap, Jackson used the afghan on the back of the couch to cover up his friend. She shifted slightly, but didn't stir, so Jackson plopped himself down next to her on the couch, using one hand to garner himself a mouthful of pop corn. He stared at the two figures in black and white on the tv screen and wrinkled his nose. He reached across April to grab the remote to switch the channel to ESPN.

That roused April. Slightly. Her eyes half opened.

"Hey..." she murmured. "'Don't. 'M watchin that."

A smile spread across Jackson's lips, "You're sleeping."

"Mhmm," the drowsy April agreed. "But I can still hear it."

"Well, I am more awake than you, so I am going to go ahead and make the channel decisions."

"It's a classic! I..." April shook her head, and her face crumbled slightly. "I could be watching this with someone. I was supposed to be watching this with Robert...who actually likes me...only I don't like him back. Why doesn't it ever line up? People I like don't like me, and the people that like me...I don't see them that way. I'm always alone."

Jackson wrinkled his nose, "You can do way better than Stark!" He reached out and took her hand, "And you're not alone. You've got me. Mercy West is the best, right?"

Squeezing his hand, April sighed, "It's not the same. You have Lexie. Meredith has Dr. Shepherd. Cristina has Dr. Hunt. Alex has...whoever and I...I just...I am just alone. The person no one wants. Well, except for Robert and what if he's all I am ever going to get?"

Jackson wrapped his arms around April and pulled her close, letting her rest his head against his shoulder, "Trust me, you are going to end up with someone much better than a dirty old man, April."

April cracked open an eye, "He's not-"

"He kind of is," Jackson shook his head. "You're not going to end up with some old cranky guy like Stark. You're too special for him."

"You think so?" she asked, looking up at him uncertainly. She was always so down on herself and Jackson never understood why.

April was totally too special for Stark, even if she didn't think her love life was great. His mom always said (when she was unsubtely hinting things about his love life) that some women in life were low hanging fruit and others were higher in the tree. The low hangers were good. Tasty, fun, and easy to reach. They got picked a lot. But the higher fruit, you had to work for, and it was a whole other level of ripe. The high fruit women were keepers. Or something like that. He usually tuned out his mother's ramblings. Especially when they were about women and romance.

But this lecture stuck with him. April was not low hanging fruit. And her time would come. Some guy (not Stark or Karev or some other jackass Jackson wanted to beat up) would see her for the beautiful person that she was and sweep her off her feet. She deserved that.

He rested his chin on top of her head, "I know so."

Even back then, without even realizing it, Jackson loved April.

And yet, Jackson still couldn't say it. He didn't know if it even mattered now. He didn't know what to say. Maybe buying hospitals really was the only way Avery's knew how to express love.

"Last time I checked, you said she was royally pissed at you," Alex said. "I doubt she'll want your help."

"I'll do whatever I can to be with her. April needs a job when she gets here. So yeah, you know, if a hospital is what gets her in my life again, I'll do it. However she'll let me in. At this point I'd do anything."

Alex raised an eyebrow, "Anything?"

Jackson answered without hesitation, "Yes."

"Even just be her friend? Because she is still married and so all you can do is be her friend. Can you even do that?"

Thinking back their near kiss and fiery exchange the day Lynn Taylor was admitted to Grey Sloan, Jackson wasn't sure that was even possible.

But he couldn't admit that to Karev, so he replied hollowly, "I don't know. If it's all that April wants, then fine. I am willing to do whatever April needs me to do. And that doesn't limit me to just being her friend."

Jackson immediately regretted letting that last part of his statement slip because of the look on Karev's face when he processed the words. It was like a light bulb had gone in Alex's mind and it was clear he was shocked.

"Dude! When you say anything...you really mean anything? Like...extra marital whatever? I didn't think you had it in you."

"I...I guess," Jackson hissed as his friend's eyes grew wide. "I'll do what April wants me to do."

"Like you'd do a freaking threesome?"

He groaned. He so did not want to be talking about this with Alex Karev. Of all people.

"No."

"But you'd be her dirty mistress," Alex concluded.

"Shut up! She's not happy with Matthew. I know she isn't! So if I can help her get outta that-"

"That's not your business though, dude."

"I care about her, so it is!"

"Maybe so, but you gotta let April and Matthew deal with their own crap. You don't wanna be the reason that train crashes, Avery. You don't want to break up a marriage. You're a better man that. At least, I thought you were..."

The whole time Lynn Taylor had spent at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital, Jackson would find himself taking the stairs up to the Neurology floor far more often than he needed to. He knew it wasn't necessary but he felt the pull to be near April, and so he didn't care if it was right.

It didn't matter that Matthew had told him to back off. Frankly, Jackson didn't give a shit. As much as April had been short with him, and mad at him, and pushed him away whenever he came near, he could still see in her eyes that there was a hesitation. The hesitation that said so much. She felt conflicted because she cared for him. And because she probably didn't trust herself alone around him.

Jackson knew that if he pushed April enough, well, he was reasonably certain that if he pushed her enough, past all her anger and resentment and fear, he could get her to see the truth of what he felt and the regrets he had.

So he walked by Lynn Taylor's room. As often as he could. Everyday and usually several times a day.

Most of the time Matthew was there, not April. Which really wasn't a surprise, since his mother was ill after all. The tall man was never happy to see the plastic surgeon pass by. He was always glaring at Jackson through the slatted blinds that covered Lynn's recovery room window.

Sometimes April would be there too, with her husband. Sitting next to Matthew as Jackson walked by, trying to catch her eye. Usually she was quick to avert her gaze, but sometimes, if Jackson was lucky she didn't. Eventually, Lynn woke up, and sometimes would be conscious when Jackson walked past the room, and so sometimes it was packed with people. All forms of therapy for stroke victims began in earnest.

And sometimes, on days when Jackson felt like he'd won the lottery, April was alone when he walked by the room. No Matthew. Lynn was asleep. No stroke therapists. When she was alone in the room, April still tried not to look at him or talk to him, and most of even those times he'd have to just be content to walk by the room.

But sometimes, on the rarest of moments, once, maybe twice in the whole time Lynn Taylor had been a patient at Grey Sloan, Jackson would walk by to find April alone in the room, and she didn't look away.

He would smile and sometimes she smiled back. Those were the best moments.

Those were the moments that gave him hope.

Jackson kind of wanted to be the reason the Taylor's marriage failed. Truth be told. Even if that was totally selfish and messed up. He wanted a second chance at a shot with April.

The last thing Jackson wanted or needed was to be judged by was Alex and he was fed up with the conversation. Using his longer legs to side walk past the smaller man, he took a brisk pace down the hallway. "I gotta go."

Three days later, Jackson found himself (along with Dr. Hunt and the rest of the board) sitting across the table from April in the conference room, amid an array of relocation packets and contracts. He had to control his emotions very tightly in the presence of so many other people, but deep inside Jackson felt himself melt at April's reaction to the job offer.

"So what do you think?" Dr. Hunt asked enthusiastically.

April blinked and exhaled in shock. And Jackson couldn't help but stare. So much of the April he'd seen and spoken with recently seemed cold, closed off, and tired. A hardened and faded version of the person he once knew. And the meeting started off with that April in full dose.

"You want me to be Chief of Surgery?" April gaped at the board and her old mentor suspiciously.

Both Arizona and Callie beamed and nodded, but April's expression remained flat and she seemed unsure.

"Look," she said warily. "I know that the situation with my mother in law probably makes you want to help me or you feel loyal or whatever, but you don't have to do this out of pity..."

Cristina rolled her eyes, "Come on, Kepner. You know I wouldn't sugar coat this to you. You would have been high on our list for the job anyway. Half dead mother in law or not."

Slowly, as it the opportunity fully began to dawn on her, the twinkle returned to her eyes and the corners of her lips lifted in a faint smile. Slowly glimpses of the old excitable passionate April returned.

"Really?"

"Regardless of your situation, you would be an excellent candidate. You are exactly what Bellevue Acute Trauma needs to turn itself around. You just became the first trauma surgeon to win a Harper Avery," Owen said proudly.

"Oh yeah," April murmured, almost as though she'd forgotten. "I did."

Her gaze flicked to Jackson's for a brief moment, and he felt a pang of guilt. He was probably a major reason why she hadn't been able to bask in that honor in the weeks leading up to her mother in law's illness. He'd been so determined to pull her back into her life. And he had the sense that she'd thought just as much about him, which had to be confusing and frustrating and time consuming. And he knew April thought about things. Agonized over them even. A lot. There was no reason for Jackson not to assume that he had filled her head space more than her Harper Avery.

April lifted her hand to the table in front of her and used her fingers to pull the contract closer. Jackson and the board watched as her eyes flicked from side to side as she read the terms that Grey Sloan and Harper Avery were offering. She tilted her head to one side and chewed her bottom lip, just like she always had as a resident.

"Now, you'd serve in a Chief Resident capacity at BAT not unlike Dr. Hunt serves here at Grey Sloan..." Derek explained leaning across the table towards April.

"Oh hmmm," Callie tutted. "BAT? Are we really going with that as the shorthand? Cuz I think it sounds a little creepy-"

"Not now," Arizona hissed through a toothy smile.

A smiled graced Derek lips and he barely held in his laughter as he continued, "So we would serve as your board just like we do here, and the Harper Avery Foundation would be your primary funding source. You'd have final say in most site specific decisions and the same weight in terms of input that Chief Hunt has for Grey Sloan "

"Now organizationally, we have to be honest," Meredith chimed in with sobering facts. "The situation in Bellevue is pretty bad. It's not going to be easy to restructure...it's going to take a lot of leadership and hard work. It wouldn't be easy for you."

"But we have a plan to make up for all of that," Hunt added, as he walked around the table and slid into the chair next to April's. Perplexed, she turned to face him.

"We want to make sure you'd have as much of the best talent possible," Owen continued. "And I have spoken with your chief at Case Western and I know you have created a very rigorous teaching ER over there in Cleveland and I don't want you to feel like you are losing that by coming here. So I want to create an advanced Traumatology fellowship program in partnership with Grey Sloan's residency program. You'd have rotating interns and residents from here whenever you need, extra funding for programs and we'll give you two of our four trauma fellows each year."

"Really?" April asked again, only this time there was a bigger hint of a smile as well as a touch of awe in her voice. The board nodded.

"We'd work together on curriculum of course," Hunt grinned. "If you don't mind working with your old boss..."

"No!" April shook her head and answered rapidly. "I don't mind. I don't mind at all."

It was slowly dawning on her that although the circumstances were convenient, this position was hardly a pity offer. It was tailor made for April by the board, but also a good career move, and the contract was deliberately drawn up to be enticing. Their investment in Bellevue Acute Trauma was risky, and they only way any of the rest of the board members could see things working out was by putting someone they trusted at the helm.

For Jackson, of course the whole thing was a lot more personal. While the Harper Avery Foundation and the board had squabbled over monetary stipulations and contributions, he'd fought for things he knew April would like in a job. The teaching. The organizing. The challenging trauma cases. He'd gotten her a relocation budget. And a conference budget. Jackson wanted her to see through the structure of the job that he knew her and cared about her and felt that she was endlessly capable.

"We know you like to teach," he added quietly, hoping April could see through the line.

If only he could just say it. Jackson half wished he could just stand up right here and right now in this room, the rest of the board be damned, and tell her the truth of how he felt. He wished he could just say that he loved her.

This would have to do instead.

April swallowed hard, "This is quite the offer."

"Yes it is," Arizona nodded. "And we don't want to put any pressure on you to decide in what we know is already a stressful time for your family. Now I don't know what your timeline for moving is like..."

"And we understand completely, if you have something else lined up," Callie added with a frown. "But we really hope you'd consider-"

"Are you kidding?" April interrupted, holding out her hand, "Where's a pen?"

"Well okay," Dr. Hunt said with a chuckle, gesturing for Cristina to hand the red haired surgeon an already uncapped bic.

Meredith chuckled while Derek looked impressed, as April seemed to race through the long contract, scribbling her name at the bottom of each page. Jackson had to hold it together as much as he could. He couldn't help but grin.

April was coming back to Seattle. In fact she would be only minutes away from him. And she'd just chosen to work a job that was absolutely certain to ensure that she would cross paths with Jackson often. She'd just made the choice. Without even really hesitating. Or thinking. Or agonizing. Or even so much as a phone call with her husband to talk about the job.

That gave Jackson as much hope as April's smiles.


Extricating herself from between the two snoring bodies of her children, April sat up and yawned. Stretching her arms and neck, she wiped sleep from her eyes as she reached out to silence her phone alarm.

It was still dark and for a split second, she was reminded of being roused awake on the farm as a child, (sometimes by her parents, usually by a sister) and sent out to feel the pigs or chickens before breakfast and school. Given what April knew lay ahead in her own day, she would almost be happier with the freaking farm chores. Standing up and making her way through the nondescript hotel room, she quickly showered and readied herself for another long day. She'd spent more time in hotel beds in the past month than she had her own.

She was almost used to it.

April, Jake, and Lindsey were in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho and about to embark on their 5th consecutive day of driving.

Looking in the mirror, April smiled to herself as she thought about the situation ruefully. At least they weren't in Montana anymore. That state had seemed to go on forever, and somehow the incessant, "Are we there yet, Mom?" questions from the kids felt even more suffocating when the answer was not only, "No" but "We're still in Montana." Which of course lead to whining and general misery for all of them, even if they had music, and toys, and audiobooks to occupy their minds.

Not wishing to usher away her last few moments of peace and quiet by waking her children up so early, April quietly loaded their luggage into the car before carrying Lindsey and Jake out as well. Her daughter slept like a rock, and Jake stirred only slightly as she belted them both into their booster seats in the back of the car.

Soon enough, April was checked out and back on the interstate just in time to see the sunrise. It was actually quite beautiful.

She supposed she should have a better outlook on the trip. As unfortunate as the causes of the move were, going from Cleveland to Seattle was a new beginning for all of them. April, Matthew and both the children. They'd lost the status quo of their lives and all four of them were responding in different ways.

Lindsey seemed the happiest and most resilient, apparently excited to move to Grandma Lynn's house, and extremely curious about it all. The move was causing Jake to retreat into an even more soft spoken and shy version of himself, finishing the last few weeks of school as though they were perfectly common place, and not the precursor to summer break or as his last in a school he didn't really like.

Matthew was a bundle of sometimes volatile and sometimes despondent emotions. Half the time he was depressed about his mother, and then the other half of the time he was pissed at April. She hated just how territorial he was whenever Jackson so much as walked by. Granted she suspected Jackson's hovering was motivated by his desire to prove something to her. She was half certain that her new job had a lot more of Jackson's fingerprints on it than he would admit. And April still felt a pull to Jackson, so in a way Matthew's reaction was understandable.

She just kind of hated that Matthew acted like he didn't trust her at all. She was trustworthy, wasn't she? April knew she wasn't a cheater. Sure, the temptation was there, after all she had nearly kissed Jackson. But nearly was the operative word wasn't it? It should have been. Because she'd managed to control herself. Right?

April also kind of hated the fact that she wasn't really sure how she felt about her husband and her old best friend. Matthew's tantrums and Jackson's longing looks were damned confusing.

When April had signed the contract for her new job, she'd felt Jackson's eyes on her the whole time. And...it made her feel good. Really really good. Powerful. Beautiful. It made her feel like herself again. Her real self. April hadn't felt like that person in years.

"Chief friggin resident!" April looked up to find a beaming Jackson standing in the doorway of the office clicking a pen. He slipped it into his pocket and continued, "Unbelievable!"

Knowing just how heated the competition had been from chief resident among all the 4th years, April could understand that he might be disappointed. Jackson was an Avery after all, and she knew his family placed high expectations on every aspect of his surgical career. Plus, she for one thought he would have made an excellent chief resident. Truth be told, April could hardly believe they'd picked her of all people.

She wrinkled her face apologetically, "I'm sorry."

The smile didn't leave Jackson's lips as he sat down next to her. "Don't be! You deserve it," he said genuinely. He began to type on the computer and glanced out the small office window. "I'm happy. I have what I want."

April sighed in disbelief, "It's been such a crappy year."

It really had been. the hardest year of her life. And almost the last. April had faced her own mortality, staring down the barrel of a gun and living to tell the tale. She'd been rejected and accepted. She'd lost the best friend she'd ever had in Reed, yet gained another in Jackson. She'd dropped one specialty and gained life's passion in trauma. She went from being a nobody to someone with a place at at Seattle Grace. Everything had changed.

"I can't believe we're both happy," she added, rambling on as she thought about the totality of the past year. "I can't believe they like me enough to make me chief resident. They hated me for so long...I can't believe I actually have friends here."

Friends had always been hard for April. Her sisters had always been a bit of a click. Especially Libby and Kimmie. They liked the same things. They were pretty and April liked science and had braced. They could be unrelenting and April was sensitive. They had been popular in school while April was an outcast. They'd had boyfriends and she had her books.

Always she was alone.

Until now, of course. She still didn't have that many people, but for the first time April felt like she could say she had a few. Jackson of course. And Meredith was in her corner to a certain extent, even if she was a bit distant. And the other residents were nice to her. And most of the attendings too. Hunt even wanted to teach her and to help her do well. He even had enough confidence in her to pick her for the important chief resident job.

She had the people of Seattle Grace. They were better than nothing.

"Well," Jackson countered, with some amusement. "They are going to hate you again. It's not your job to boss them around. You know how much they love that."

"Oh my god is that true?" April's eyes widened in shock as she finally let herself think through all the ramifications that her new position among the residents would bring. Jackson nodded.

She still wasn't even used to the idea of being chief resident. Now she had to think all about what that job would entail. She'd be the one determining rotation schedules and procedure opportunities. April was going to be in charge of the whole OR board. There were so many variables in those decisions and there was absolutely no way that April could make everyone happy with her choices.

They would hate her! Yang and Karev and Grey and everyone. Oh God.

"That's true!" Horror contorted April's features and her short lived thrill began to vanish.

Jackson laughed and faced her with his head tilted to one side, "You'll be fine."

He was looking at her. Really and truly looking at her, and April wasn't sure where his confidence in her abilities came from. She wasn't exactly a stellar doctor, though she tried her best. She wasn't always the greatest friend to him. She wasn't always enough.

But maybe he could really see her. Maybe Jackson saw April's truth better than she knew it herself. It was probably why they'd ended up becoming such great friends after the shooting. He always told her that she was her own worst critic. She'd never thought she had a chance to be Jackson's anything. Not a girl like her and a guy like him. So she was happy to have his friendship.

"You think so?" April asked uncertainly.

Blinking slowly Jackson smiled, "I know so."

Jackson made April feel like she was enough. And her husband never really made her feel that way. Which was scary.

April supposed that, even with all the issues between her and Jackson and Matthew, she couldn't deny how excited she was to begin working at Bellevue Acute Trauma. And so what if the position reeked of a sort of networked nepotism and rule breaking that she'd found to be intensely unfair early in her life? The location and duties were perfect for her. Never in a million years did April ever imagine that she would be chief of surgery anywhere. It seemed that where her personal life had gone to crap, professionally things were awesome.

But Matthew was pissed. Surprise, surprise.

April didn't actually think she'd ever really gone on a trip or spent very much time with her children alone, as a trio rather than a quartet, without Matthew. She realized just how much she'd missed them in the weeks spent apart following Lynn's stroke, and even though it was frustrating that Matthew had decided not to join them, leaving the entire move in April's hands, the experience was eye opening.

They'd stopped at some sights along the way. Mt. Rushmore, museums, and historic landmarks. April had learned of her son's uncanny ability to impersonate presidents poses and expressions, and that Lindsey's 5th favorite wild animal (behind ponies, dolphins, butterflies, frogs, and lions) was the american buffalo.

Drumming her fingers on the steering wheel, April sighed. On this trip she'd also learned that she could certainly manage fine on her own. And it was turning out not to be so bad.

Increasingly, April felt like she was alone. She'd had to hire the moving company and find schools for the kids, near Matthew's childhood home, which would soon be the whole family's. She had to do everything. April understood that ensuring that Lynn was cared for took up a lot of Matthew's time, but she could also see that his distance was caused by something else.

They were fighting far more than they ever had, and it all came back to one thing. Jackson.

"You're seriously taking this job?" Matthew leaned against the doorway of their Seattle hotel room, glaring at April as he asked the same question for what seemed like the hundredth time. She wondered exactly how long it would take to get through his this head.

"Yes!" April snapped, flopping to a seat on the bed and brushing her hair from her face. "I already signed the contract. It's my job."

Matthew shook his head and held his hands in the air, "You didn't even talk to me! You didn't even think to talk to me! I had no idea this job was even on the table!"

"Well, it came up unexpectedly."

He laughed humorlessly,"You mean Avery decided he wants to make my life even more miserable. The bastard!"

April crossed her arms, "We were already moving here anyway. I didn't get mad at you for taking a job your old friend lined up for you!"

Matthew had secured a position with Bestcare Paramedic Services almost as soon as it became clear that they needed to move, in large part due to the fact that the head of the Seattle area unit was his old partner Nicole Benton. And April certainly hadn't given Matthew a hard time over it. They would both need employment once they moved after all.

"I talked to you about it first before I signed any damned paperwork!" her husband snarled. "And my old friend and I are just that! Old friends. I know Nicole doesn't have ulterior motives. She's been married longer than we have. Jackson is the reason you have this job and he just wants to keep you under his finger."

April's nostrils flared, "Oh, so you don't think I am qualified to get a chief of surgery position on my own? It's all Jackson's doing? I won a freaking Harper Avery!"

"I know, but-"

Matthew seemed to be cooling off a little bit, and he moved to try to sit beside April on the bed. She wouldn't have it. She scooted away from her husband and turned to face him from the far side of the bed, whispering viciously.

"Did it ever occur to you that this position is actually perfect for me? Trauma, teaching and admin. Can you maybe see that I might want it? Do you even care?"

"I never said that I didn't," Matthew replied, shoulders sagging as his anger turned to depression. He reached out and rested his hand against hers. "It's...it's so hard right now. With my mom...and you...I-I just wish you'd thought to talk to me first. I don't know why you didn't."

April didn't know either. In retrospect, she knew she should have. He'd been in the same freaking building the whole time. She should have stepped out of that conference room and gone to Lynn's room to talk to Matthew about the offer. That's what good partners did, right? Though, she'd never really entertained much hope of being a great partner anyway. Right from the beginning.

Her marriage to Matthew had always been about April, her fears, her needs, and her loneliness. Maybe Matthew finally needed more. April just didn't know if she was capable of giving it to him.

She wasn't even sure if she wanted to.

By 8 o'clock, April was driving past the state line into Washington, and her children were finally starting to wake up. Jake opened his eyes first.

"Mommy, are we driving?" Jake mumbled.

"Good morning, sweetie!" April replied cheerily. "Yes we are. Guess what? We're going to get to Seattle today!"

"Oh," the boy replied, unenthusiastic, as he played with the elastic on his pajama's and watched the scenery on the side of the road.

April sighed. Her poor sweet son seemed melancholy. He missed his father, she knew, and he'd taken the whole stroke thing very much to heart. She honestly didn't know how to help him.

Lindsey twisted in her seat letting out a particularly loud snore, and April shared a giggle with her son.

A part of her was worried that he had somehow picked up on everything going on between her and Matthew. Though it seemed impossible that he would have, since he'd been staying with her sister through their fighting. He couldn't know anything.

Could he?

"Look!" Jake suddenly shouted, pointing to a prominent billboard along the side of the road. "We should call! Maybe He can fix Grandma!"

Confused April glanced into the sign he was looking at. Oh great.

In big bold letters the sign asked:

"If you died right now, where would you go? Heaven or hell?
Confused? He has the answers.
Call 1-800-JesusChrist or visit God-dot-com."

Like you could just call him up and get all your answers. April scoffed. If it were that easy, she'd have gotten her life figured out years ago. She'd spent a lifetime confused.

"Oh Jakey, it's that's not really how it works," April explained. "It's just a way of getting people to join a particular church. The best way to talk to God is still by praying."

Jake's face fell, and he hung his head. He never looked more like his father than when he was sad. "I tried that...but you said Grandma still isn't better."

"She'll need a lot of time, honey. And even-"

"And even then she'll still probably be sick," Jake parroted, having heard April's explanation of stroke recovery many times before. "I know, I know. Doesn't seem like God can fix nothing."

She smiled sadly, "I'm sorry."

Jake crossed his arms and looked out the window once again as they continued the drive in silence. Within the half hour Lindsey's head popped up with a snort and yawn.

"I hungry! Where are we? How long until we see Daddy?" she woke with a string of questions and didn't generally stop for the rest of the day.

Her talking made up for her brother's silence. Jake only lethargically joined in with his mother and Lindsey's chatter, which did little to quite April's worries. After about a half hour, April pulled off at a McDonald's and the three of them indulged in a breakfast of egg mcmuffins. As they sat in the small restaurant booth, her daughter dived into the fast food treat eagerly, whereas Jake only poked at her food. April didn't really know what to do aside from keeping the conversation as normal and cheerful as she could.

Chewing happily with her mouth open, Lindsey proclaimed, "I like Washington!"

"Oh yeah?" April chuckled. "You've been here all of 3 hours. And you weren't even awake for most of them!"

"I still like it!"

"Why?"

Lindsey, as usual, had an answer of her own all thought out. She counted down on her messy fingers, "You let us eat McDonald's here! In our jammies! And it's pwetty, and we're gonna see Daddy today and I miss him a lot!"

"I like that it is pretty here too," April agreed, taking a long swig of her coffee and eyeing her quiet 7 year old. Jake didn't even seem to be paying all that much attention to them as he gazed out the McDonald's window.

She tried to draw him out, "And I know your Daddy misses both of you very much. He can't wait to see you."

"And you too, Mommy!" Lindsey giggled. "Don't forget you!"

Jake's eyes flicked to April's for a moment, making her feel briefly exposed. Would Matthew be happy to see her? Not the way things had been between them lately. And honestly? It mattered far less to her than it probably should whether he was happy or not.

The rest of the drive was surprisingly pleasant, even though Jake continued to be quiet and withdrawn. By noon they were pulling into the driveway of Matthew's childhood home in Bellevue and, April supposed, into the beginning of a new life. She helped the children out of the car and stared up at the brown and green house. There were stairs that led up to a porch and front door, along with backyard, and a yard with garden full of half pruned flowers.

The place was on the surface idyllic, but it left April uneasy. Lynn had collapsed while caring for those flowers and more than any other place she'd ever lived in her marriage, the place screamed Matthew. April didn't feel like she belonged.

She waved awkwardly as her husband burst out of the front door, running to his children and hugging them tightly. Matthew lifted Lindsey to his hip and spun her in a circle. He ruffled Jake's hair and turned to give April a kiss as the children ran off to explore their new yard. She turned her head so that her cheek was the only place his lips could find.

"I'm sorry," Matthew said sincerely. "About before. I really am. I should be proud of you on getting a job this good. It's about the only good thing to come in all of this. I was mad that you didn't talk to me first."

April pursed her lips and tried to smile, "It's okay...I know your mom being sick isn't easy doesn't help things either. I-I should be more understanding."

"Don't worry about it," he replied shaking his head. "We'll both do better. We can do this. We can get through this."

April couldn't say he shared his confidence, but she laced her fingers through his anyway. They were married. Even if they had problems, they had to try. What other option did they have?

Jake and Lindsey laughed as they ran along ahead of April pointing to the massive smooth stone sculptures carved into the wild South Dakota mountainside. She skipped up to join them, and took hold of their smaller hands, recounting details of the monuments construction that she remembered from watching some documentary years ago. Still holding hands the three of them walked back to the car, April marveled at how relaxed she felt, given all that was happening in her life.

But away from Matthew and Jackson all the consuming, frustrating, guilt inducing thoughts seemed to fly away. April didn't feel like a bad person when it was just her and the kids. She didn't worry about the dangerous memories from her past and her uncertain fears for future. All she had to do was think about taking care of her kids and keeping them happy.

And April realized could do that. All by herself.

She might actually even be good at it. And, scariest thought of all, April was afraid she might even be better at talking care of her children alone than she was with her husband.

After helping April unload the suitcases from the car, Matthew took Lindsey into the house to show her the newly decorated bedroom she would soon call her own, but Jake didn't follow. He sat down on the front steps, staring out into the street with his chin resting on his arms. The concern that had lingered for the boy in April's mind all day came to a head and she lowered herself next to Jake's small form, wrapping her thin shoulders.

The touch seemed to push her son over the edge and he leaned to her chest and began to sob, without saying a word.

"What's wrong, honey?" she asked softly. "I know moving is hard. But it will get better. You'll see. Soon this will feel like home."

For both of us, April added silently. The words of comfort didn't seem to do much for the little boy. Jake shook his head and buried his face into her shoulder even more.

"What is it? You can tell me. I'll always help you."

Sniffling, he wiped his eyes and took short shaky breaths, "I'm scared, Mommy. I know we have to come here cuz a Grandma...but I am afraid of-"

He paused, biting his lip. "I know I should be thinking of Grandma, and I am but...I'm afraid I won't have any friends."

Sighing, April brushed the long bangs out of her son's eyes. Somewhere in the chaos of the past few weeks, Jake's haircut had been forgotten. Somewhere in the chaos of the past few weeks, April realized that a lot of thinsg related to her children had taken the back burner. She was determined to change that. Just because she was confused about her old best friend and frustrated with her husband didn't mean her children's problems mattered less.

"Honey, everyone worries about that. It'll be okay..."

"Kids don't like me," Jake confided, looking up at his mother despondently. "At my old school. I tried playing tag with them. I tried eating lunch with them. I tried playing robbers with them. I don't even like playing that game! I tried and tried but nothing I did changed their minds. What if I can't make anyone like me here either?"

April ran soothing circles on Jake's back. He looked like Matthew, but there were parts of herself in her son that April didn't delight in having passed on.

"I know how that can be," she replied carefully. "When I was your age I...to be honest, people didn't like me either."

"What did you do?"

"I used to think people would like me if I just did this one thing or that other thing perfectly. If I just didn't make any mistakes, I could change their minds. But you know, Jake? You do all that stuff long enough and you won't even like yourself anymore because you will be a stranger. It's better to be yourself and be by yourself than it is to try and be someone else."

"Really?"

April nodded, realizing that while she didn't always take her own advice, it wasn't completely useless. "Sometimes you might only end up with a few good friends. But one good friend that likes you for the way you are inside, is better than ten friends who only like the person you are pretending to be."

Jake sighed and wipe another tear from his eye before asking innocently, "Like Doctor Jackson?"

Her eyes widened, "What makes you say that?"

"I don't know," her son shrugged. "You said he was your friend from a really really long time ago. You don't act all...well, work Mommyish when he's there. You went on the carousel when we were in Boston! He made you smile. And he's taking care of Grandma at his hospital. He must be a very good friend. One of those ones who knows your insides. Like you said."

Too perceptive for his own good, this kid.

April swallowed hard, "Yeah...um...Jackson is a really good friend. The kind who knows my insides. Don't tell your Dad I said that."

She hated to ask her child to keep secrets, but Matthew was already suspicious enough about Jackson. In fact he'd specifically asked her to keep the kids out of it. April didn't think he'd react well to the fact that his son had almost as much insight into the whole situation as the three adults involved. Maybe even more. It was best if this conversation was kept between mother and son. the mess of her marriage and Jackson was complicated enough without an added layer.

April knew that, unlike her chatty daughter, Jake would keep his word. Sure enough, he nodded, "Okay. Why?"

"Uh...he already knows," she fumbled. "About Jackson, he already knows. And he's worried about Grandma. Let me worry about you."

"I want a good friend, Mommy."

Honestly? It had taken April over twenty years to make headway on that front. Before Jackson there had been Reed. And before Reed? Not a whole lot. She didn't want to give her son false hope. But she was his mother, and she supposed part of her job was to buoy him up. To believe in him when no one else did. Sometimes that's all someone needed to boost their confidence.

"You'll get one, Jakey."

"You think so?" the boy asked uncertainly.

April didn't hesitate, "I know so."