Disclaimer: Dumas is in the public domain.
More naughtiness. I have been debated on whether or not to drop in that Tower of London debacle from the 2011 movie… Heck, why not? This issue – flying machines, and a new columnist.
Le Canard
Issue 8
Tower of London Damaged by French Tourists
London – A formal diplomatic complaint has been lodged with London's French Embassy after a trio of drunken French tourists hijacked an airship from the Royal Naval Academy and damaged the historical London landmark, the Tower of London. The Frenchmen then fled for France before they could be apprehended by the English authorities. The King of England's personal lap-dog and Acting Warden of the Tower, Duke of Buckingham, is demanding the extradition of the suspects. However, as no treaty of extradition has been signed, Cardinal Richelieu declined to act on the Duke's request.
"This is an outrage! An act of war! We were quietly interrogating a suspected anarchist when these buffoons blasted my office to kingdom come. Good Lord! Do you have any idea how much effort and gold it costs to do my hair and the suit which they have utterly destroyed? And to cap things off, that anarchist escaped during the commotion and I can assure you he'd be giving us law-abiding folks a tough time…" the Duke said when interviewed.
New Flying Invention Stolen from Musketeers
Paris - The Musketeers' in-house inventor, Sir Albert, has reported the theft of his latest prototype invention from his workshop just outside the city gates. The inventor has been working on a new-fangled flying ship based on plans from the Italian genius Leonardo da Vinci which he had recovered in the trash-heap of the Universite de Paris after their spring cleaning. The machine was last seen by Sir Albert and his assistants last Monday but the theft was only reported on Wednesday when they affirmed that the disappearance of the prototype on Tuesday was not a barracks prank.
"We meant to keep it quiet until the unveiling before His Majesty. It still has a few bugs which need working out, so I sincerely hope no one has tried to fly it yet…" Sir Albert was quoted as saying. He pleads for the return of the machine, saying that he and his mates have spent weeks on it and that it is like a baby to them.
The notion of flight has not been greeted warmly by all quarters. The Cardinal has declared the idea of humans flying be considered blasphemy and recommend the excommunication of the inventor and his crew. "If God meant us to fly, we would have been born with wings. Such endeavours are unnatural and an insult to God's order!" However, he refused to comment on allegations that his Guards were in the midst of working on a similar project on human flight at Rue de St Denis.
Giant Mechanical Bird Crashes into Notre Dame
A flying machine crashed into Notre Dame yesterday afternoon, gravely disrupting the 3 o'clock Mass. The craft was described by witnesses as a boat under a big rotten sausage. The pilot and crew were slightly injured and made a quick getaway before the Cardinals' Guards came running. The deacon of Notre Dame states that no damage is done to the famous Rose windows' stained glass but masons will be hired to repair the damaged roof and façade on the South Tower. The Cardinal has most kindly offered to foot the bill for the repairs to the cathedral.
Falconry Fad: Parisian Pigeon Population Dives
The Parisian feral pigeon population has dived due to the recent wave of interest in falconry. Due to lack of hares and other suitable game in the city, falconers in Paris have trained their hawks to catch pigeons. Squab pie vendors voice their dismay at this trend. "We have to incur more costs actually rearing our birds instead of trapping them off the streets," a vendor said. "If this keeps up, I may have to start selling kitten-pies instead." Another casualty of the pigeon decimation is the messenger pigeon service operated by the Cardinal's offices.
"We are losing our birds at a most alarming rate. If this continues, we may have to reinstate the pony express service we did away with last year," an anonymous guardsman was quoted. Based on reliable information, three out of four pigeon-huts at the office are empty as their occupants have gone missing in action and are believed killed by falcons. The Cardinal has requested the import of falcon-savvy pigeons from the south to replace the lost birds.
Advice Column- The Captain's Desk
Dear all readers, due to complaints about my colleague's gruff manner, I, Aramis, will be covering the desk on behalf of our Captain. Please do not bear my friend any hard feelings, that is just the way Athos is, the grumpy old bear. I look forward to assisting you in your hour of need.
Dear Captain,
I have a nagging feeling my lackey is about to do me in. Am I being paranoid after someone fired a cannon into my office? I mean, he has been with me a long time… through a couple of battles, I might add. I didn't promote him the last round because I like having him as an underling. He's terribly competent. Now he gives me the evil eye whenever I order him about.
Duke of B
Dear Duke B
I believe competency should be rewarded. Perhaps it is time to overhaul your human resource management, lest it is more than staring daggers you have to worry about.
-Sincerely, Aramis
Dear Captain
There is a young woman whose life I believe to be in mortal danger (and possibly her immortal soul as well) from her dalliance with a most unsuitable ruffian. We are thinking of putting her in a good old convent – one of those with thick, high walls. Could you recommend a couple please?
- Worried Brother
Dear Brother
Allow me to remind you that thick, high walls are easily breached as shown in the Biblical siege of Jericho. Ivy, ladders or rope and a very cooperative lady on the inside can reduce any wall into a large open door with a welcome mat. Take it from my personal experience in sneaking about convents when I was studying for the priesthood. My colleague would recommend sorting things out with the ruffian in question directly as a means to protect your damsel.
- Sincerely, Aramis
Dear Captain
My friends think I am a grumpy drunk! I do not have a drinking problem and I am not a grumpy bear. I admit I am a bit of a loner and perhaps a little blunt in my words. I like my wine as much as the next musketeer… Okay, maybe I do drink a bit to take the edge off life. But there's no harm in that, right? Leave me be.
- Olivier de la Fere
Dear Mon Ami
I sincerely hope you are considering a visit to that Alcoholics Anonymous Paris address on the card we left on your dresser, after we finally put you to bed the other night. A recap on what happened the other night after your drinking binge- first you kissed our Captain thinking he was a serving wench. Then you got into a brawl with some of the Cardinal's men. Okay, maybe we enjoyed that part of the party as well. Next came the undressing in the market square before your loyal servant came running with a blanket. We had to fish him out the well when you threw him into it. You then threw up over the new clothes of a large friend while we were getting you home. Finally, you climbed into bed, not yours, the rookie's – while he was sleeping in it. Things could have gotten really awkward about there but you were lucky the boy sleeps like a log. Seriously, mon ami, we are considering intervention in your case.
- Fumingly yours, Aramis
Dear Captain
I am in a bit of a pickle. You see, there was this hot guy I met on the road some time back. We ended up in the same room, alone. One thing led to another – well, now I have a little bawling souvenir of that one-night stand. I am so not ready for motherhood. I just saw that guy the other night. Should I get him to be responsible for the child? I don't need him to marry me as I am already married. My husband is out of the country since two years back and does not know about the baby yet. I just need someone to take care of the baby before my husband finds out and kills us both!
- Desperate Housewife
Dear Madame Desperate
Accidents do happen. I agree that the father of the child should contribute to the welfare of his offspring. However, I doubt the wisdom in entrusting your child to some guy you only had a single night's acquaintance with. You may wish to check up on him first to ensure he is a suitable guardian. Otherwise, do you know a priest or orphanage you can leave the infant with?
- Aramis (if it is my child, I will recommend you leave it at the local orphanage. I am not ready for fatherhood too)
Dear Captain
Er, this is really awkward. The other night, I had this weird dream about my senior climbing into bed with me, snuggling up and whispering sweet nothings into my ear. I don't think he actually did it. I mean, the next morning at breakfast he didn't act as though anything happened between us. I do not know what to make of it. Is it a dream caused by the eels I had for dinner? Gasp! Or is this a sign that I am secretly attracted to my senior in a carnal manner? I already have a steady girlfriend! And aren't such thoughts sinful according to the Bible?
- Confused Lad
Dear Lad
It is just a bad dream caused by the three helpings of eel stew you had before bedtime. Don't dwell on it.
- Yours, Aramis
P.S. If you still need to talk to me in private about sin-issues, see me after dinner in the study.
Advertisements
Open Lectures on Aerodynamics and Flight by Prof Leon d'Vinci at Universite de Paris Engineering House. Course starts as of next Monday. You will be given a chance to be the first man to fly from the top of the the College Bell Tower in a machine designed by Vinci. Register now at Engineering House.
Kitten-Pies – the new Squab. Tasty, tender and deliciously mouth-watering. Best part of it – no feathers!
Alcoholics Anonymous – have a drinking problem? Friends and family threatening to leave you thanks to it? Want to moderate your drinking but need more support? Come down to AA Paris at 13A, Rue St Vincent, next to Pinot Vinters Fine Wines.
Imported Falcons from Malta now on sale at Hawkes. Highly trained, loyal and handsome. Buy one today.
Daggers R Us – Manufacturers of fine Italian stilettos. Handy and efficient. A must-have for all assassins.
Notices
Would-be spies and thieves are hence forewarned. We have upgraded the security system at our workshop. Instead of leaving the pit-traps empty, we have filled them with venomous adders. Also, we have upgraded our guard dogs from English spaniels to Hungarian Wolfhounds- Albert de P.
Athos, after clapping my eyes on that magnificent physique of yours that night, I can't get you out of my head. Tete-a-tete? – Marie M.
Bored lady seeks gentleman companion. Must be pleasant on the eyes, cultured and witty. Duties will include escorting lady to balls, theatre and hunts. Additional duties in the bedroom negotiable. Contact Violette at Rue de Michon, the house with the periwinkles.
Author's Notes:
Hope the change of columnist helps.
Not quite sure locating AA next to a liquor store is going to help folks quit drinking.
