can't watch you break


Over the course of the next week, she, slowly, moves into his apartment. Her clothes mingle with his in the closet and her make-up clutters the cabinet. Some of her artwork makes it into his study. Her silverware in a drawer with his. It sends a thrill up her spine to see parts of her old home mingling with the new. With the permanent. There is no doubt in her mind that she is here for their own always.

Rufus and Jenny welcome the change with open arms. Serena had thought that Jenny would be slightly hesitant about it, as they had their difficulties in the past. However the girl even helped Serena sort her things through. In fact, Serena would even say that they had bonded again.


Jenny pulls a Dan Humphrey book from one of the two boxes Serena has dedicated for books. She studies the book, Inside, tracing the spine with her finger. Almost inspecting it: its age, its smell, how well loved it is.

"Where are you going to put these?" She asks curiously, indicating to the box. "Dan already has each copy of his books."

Serena turns to the girl after placing one of her framed photos of herself and her mom on the table by the dining table, smiling as she turns. She speaks as she heads over to the girl, a glimmer of a secret in her eyes.

"In his study, right next to his. Our meeting right after our big fight where he told me he never wanted to see me again will be right under his nose. i wonder how long it'll take him to notice." Serena muses, picking up another book, Inside Out, and studying it lovingly.

"Your meeting after your big fight?" Jenny repeats, frowning.

Serena glances up to the doorway of Dan's study, finds that the man is safely out of hearing range, placing her other box of books onto his- their shelves in alphabetical order. Her nine year old on a sugar rush. She smiles wryly and takes a step closer to Jenny. Taps the cover of Inside with one nail.

"Open it." She tells her.

Jenny does as she's told, expression morphing from one of confusion to immeasurable wonder. Reaches up with one thumb and traces the worn ink of her father's signature. Her lips part as though she has something to say, but nothing comes out. No words could ever be as important as this moment, Serena confiding a secret in the young girl she's never told another soul. Watching the girl with anxious eyes, wondering what she must be thinking.

"I went after I had left New York."

Jenny's head snaps up to look at Serena, blushing. "You don't have to- You don't owe me an explanation-"

"Of course I don't owe you an explanation. But I want to tell you." Serena smiles, gently setting Inside Out down and taking Inside from Jenny's hands.

"Okay." Jenny replies quietly, face blank. Serena can't tell what thoughts swirl behind those eyes of hers.

"I'd taken that book with me when I decided to leave New York for good. He had gotten me an advanced copy a few months before that." Serena tells Jenny, heart pitter-pattering in her chest. "Steve had to work that day and I had nothing to do. And then I found out that he was coming to a city near the one I was staying for his book tour. I thought, why not? To be honest, I wanted to see him at least one more time. Wanted to see his eyes, those lips. So, I put on a brunette wig, put on some make-up I'd never actually wear as Serena. I grabbed my book and waited in line for hours. He'd been a jerk then, smug with success."

A smile tugs at the corners of Jenny's lips, a soft chuckle freeing from the blonde. "Yeah, that sounds like him."

"I know he won't remember. I was just like any other woman in that shop. But all the same, I handed him my book and told him to make it out to Sabrina. I told him that the book connects me with people that had been in my life. He must've picked up on the past tense, because that's when he wrote the message. That... That smug asshole manage to pin me, even then."

"To Sabrina," Jenny repeats the words. "I hope you find the happiness your sad eyes seek."

"Yeah." Serena murmurs, suddenly overwhelmed.

She closes the book and closes her eyes. Presses it close to her chest, to her heart. Where he has always been. His words saved her then, he saves her now. She loves him all the more for it.

"Will you ever tell him?"

Serena opens her eyes and finds Jenny's eyes free of judgement. Almost filled with awe as she studies her.

"If he hasn't seen it by the time we're old and gray, I'll tell him. It's a nice secret to have, though." Serena says, thumb stroking the spine.

She watches the way Jenny's eyes widen. "Old and gray?"

Serena's heart flutters nervously as she watches the young girl. It's been so hard to let Jenny know how committed she is to her brother. Of course, Jenny has never been negative towards their relationship, despite their difficulties. But she's never exactly been Serena's number one fan, either. It's been hard to redeem herself, but she thinks that this may be the turning moment for them. That one chance in a lifetime that they're given to bond, the fork in the road.

"Jenny..." Serena sets Inside back down in the box, turning to face the girl. "I know that you haven't said anything outright, but I know that you've not always been my biggest fan."

Jenny blushes tomato red. "Serena, it wasn't...I-"

"He's your brother. And we've had our difficulties in the past. So, I understand. You'd have every right to hate me." Serena nervously reaches out and squeezes the young girls shoulder. She doesn't shake it off. "But I... I really want you to know that I'm in this for the long haul. Maybe you think that I'm only moving in with him because of the miscarriage, and that did influence it, but I want this. And I have wanted this for a long time. I'm here to stay, so long as he'll have me. And if that's until our dying days, then I'll be happy. He's all I want, Jenny. And everything that comes with loving him. You, Rufus... A future. Whatever happens, good or bad, I'm here for it."

Jenny is silent, and Serena fears for one moment that she's overstepped the mark. But then Jenny reaches out and hugs Serena tightly, almost too tight in her enthusiasm. Serena doesn't mind, simply lets the smile grow free as her arms wrap around the girls back.

"Thank you." Jenny whispers into her ear. "For being different. For loving him."

Serena chuckles. "It's my pleasure."

"Now," she says as they pull apart, both smiling bashfully, "you promise to keep my secret?"

Jenny laughs. "Yeah. I promise. It'll be fun to rub it in his face that I knew all this time."


"What are you smiling about?"

Serena's jolted from the reverie as Dan rests a hand on the small of her back, whispering his words into her ear. She startles so hard that she almost drops the plate she'd been washing into the sink.

Dan chuckles, arm wrapping around her waist, dropping a kiss to the curve where her neck meets her shoulder.

"Nothing, I'm just... Happy. To be here." Serena mumbles, biting her lip.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." She breathes, almost spilling over with love.

Dan steps up closer behind her, lightly tracing his lips across her neck. Almost makes her dizzy when his lips graze her earlobe for a moment, holding back by just a small amount.

"Come to bed, Serena." He murmurs against her skin.

She blushes, placing the last plate she'd been washing on the side. "Your dad is right there. In the front room. He'll know what we're doing."

"So?" He almost laughs the word, hands tracing patterns through her skin and making her skin warm with arousal. "It's our home, Serena. He's just a freeloader."

Serena's heart thuds louder for different reasons. But she puts her brave face on and turns in his arms, managing what she hopes is a seductive smile. It's always worked on him before. If the darkening of his pupils are any way to judge, it seems that she hasn't lost her touch.

"Okay." She agrees, kissing him lightly, bumping her nose against his.

Dan grins and laces their fingers together, pulling them towards their room. She thinks she hears a distant call of goodnight towards his father, but she can't hear anything clearly. The thunder of her heart is roaring in her ears, drowning out everything else.

He turns to her once they're alone in the sanctity of their room, fingertips brushing lightly over her cheek and making her shiver. He doesn't say anything, almost sombre in his touches, but they've never needed words in the first place. Gentle touches, tender looks, they have always been enough to make up the pattern of their love. Enough to fix her band-aid covered heart.

His hands slip from her cheek and graze her bare shoulder, left naked by the casual vest top she's wearing, slipping down her arm and raising goosebumps.

He's seducing her, and the thought makes tears prick her eyes. He's never been so slow, so gentle with her before. Of course, they've had wonderfully slow sex before, tender and full of love. But never anything that felt as though they were trying to mend each other. Never has he touched her as though he honestly believed that she may break.

His hands wrap around her waist, soft and sensual, tugging their hips together. She meets him without resistance, dazed, panic ebbing away in that one moment. She can do this. She can.

His mouth descends on hers and it's so soft and sweet her toes curl, one tear leaking from her eyes. Her arms reach up and wind around his neck, tugging him closer. She breathes in his life, his love for her, written in every line of his body. Tries to communicate how much she loves him with the talent of her tongue, nips of her teeth, speaking the only true language she knows: Love.

Serena's not sure how long they stand there, breathing one another in, simply content with the languid slide of their lips against one another without demanding more. But it's so beautiful that she could almost cry, and she does. Moisture collecting behind her closed eyelids and seeping out slowly.

And she thinks it's going okay, and for one moment she thinks she can handle this, until his hands reach to lift her shirt and his mouth disconnects from hers, attaching itself to her neck.

Suddenly, she jerks away from his arms, breathing harsh and eyes wide.

Dan stays still, watching her warily. "Serena?"

Her mouth is dry, she doesn't know how to summon words.

"Serena, are you-"

"I can't."

The words are meek and she curls her arms around herself, blinking harshly against the tears.

"You can't-"

"I thought I... It's been over a week, surely I should be able to cope with this-"

"Serena, you don't-"

"And I want to, God do I want you. But do you have any idea what it's like to be betrayed by your own body? To fear what will happen as a result of something beautiful that we do together? I always thought... I always thought it was like magic, us, together, and then this comes along. It's tainted me, Dan. I don't know how to free myself from it."

Dan takes a small step forwards, hand reaching out for her. Like an offering. She swallows harshly and stares.

"Serena, it's okay. I understand."

"It's not." She says, shaking her head, curling her nails into his arms. "It's not okay, dammit, I just want- You want-"

"Serena, you don't...You don't owe me." Dan tells her, taking another step forward and cupping her elbow with his palm. "Don't ever think that I... I'm not with you for that, dammit. I wouldn't ever pressure you into that if you're not ready."

He's so soft and understanding as he speaks. What has she ever done to deserve this man?

"Dan..." She whispers like a small child. "I'm scared that I'll never be ready again."

Dan's face crumbles and he's wrapping her up in a hug in an instant, cradling her as though she's precious and fragile. Maybe she is. That's how she felt ever since it happened. Breakable. Weak. Just an echo, an imprint of the person that she used to be.

"Oh, Serena." He whispers into her hair. "It's okay. One day, this will all be okay. I promise you."

Her hands fist in the back of his shirt, turning her face into his chest. Breathes him in. So familiar. Her home. Everything.

"You can't promise that." She protests.

"I promise you." He says anyway, hands shaking as he holds her. "It will all be okay. I love you."

Her hands only tighten their hold. Too desperate to find hope that she forgets to tell him she loves him too.


TBC