Wow, thank you so much for your reviews! I didn't expect that. I'm so sorry for having taken so long to update this story. Lot of things going on lately that didn't leave me much time to write... Sorry again.


Chapter 8

The secretary looked up from her paperwork to check this man who had been walking up and down the waiting room for several minutes. She didn't know who he was and therefore what to expect.

"Are you sure you don't want to sit?" she cautiously asked. "It may take a few more minutes."

"No, I'm good," he said with a forced smile. "Thank you."

The door of the office was finally opened.

"Mr Castle? Please come in," the man said, holding out his hand. "Elizabeth told me it was urgent," he said looking at the secretary.

"Thank you," Castle said shaking his hand before hurriedly walking into the office. He didn't even wait for him to close the door behind him. "You're good at understanding people, right? Making sense of their behavior?" Castle didn't even let him answer the question as the man silently settled in his chair. "It's your job after all. So, tell me. What do you make of this: a guy comes into a room full of people and start firing his weapon at the crowd. At least a dozen people are either dead or wounded. Then he finds himself face to face with a man. He's got his gun aimed at the head of this man. But he doesn't pull the trigger. Why? What does it say about this killer? How do you explain his behavior?" Castle asked, impatiently waiting for an answer this time.

Dr Burke stayed quiet for a while. Eventually, he took a deep breath.

"I take it you've seen the footage. And that you are the man who was held at gunpoint by the killer."

"Right. Good point for deduction, doctor. So? What's your theory on this?"

"Why don't you take a seat?" Dr Burke offered, with his deep voice.

His serenity was unsettling. Castle obeyed, almost reluctantly. This man had a natural power of persuasion. He took a minute to scrutinize Castle's behavior and gestures, which betrayed his deep confusion.

"Let's go back to the beginning, would you?" Dr Burke started. "When did you see the footage?"

"About half an hour ago. I came directly from the precinct."

"Alright," he nodded. His goal was to take his time in order to calm him down. "Please, give me some details about what it contains. What did you learn? Were you able to confirm what Kate told you, about you pulling your friend to cover?" he said wanting to go back to a more positive thought.

"Yes, apparently I did it."

"What else did you do?"

"Look, I didn't come here for-"

"What else did you do?" Dr Burke repeated.

He was insisting without raising his voice. Castle chuckled nervously seeing he would not have the upper hand in this conversation. He gave up and let himself be led by Dr Burke.

"I had the idea of taking possession of the guard's gun to… protect myself and the other guests, I guess. Since the officer was down. But…" Castle shook his head, thinking about the responder's words. "She told me to stay hidden, to not move, that a team was on their way to take care of the situation. Maybe I shouldn't have listened to her. Maybe I should have-… It could have made a difference, you know?"

"Yes," Dr Burke nodded quietly. "The difference being that you probably wouldn't be talking to me right now. You'd probably be six feet under," he said looking him in the eyes. "It was a wise advice from the responder."

"How do you know? I can fire a weapon, I've had training, I've had experiences being shot at."

"Right. Because you're a cop."

"Yes! No…" Castle corrected right away understanding the trap he had fallen into. "Listen… I don't pretend to be a cop. I simply…" he said looking for words.

"You would like to be," Dr Burke deduced, without even waiting for a confirmation.

"No, I hate paperwork," Castle said.

Dr Burke let appear a shy smile. Then after an intentional moment of silence, he went on.

"I haven't seen you since your first session, about a week ago. So tell me, what did you decide in the end about your friend's funeral? Did you go?"

Castle bit his lip and quickly looked ill-at-ease. He started by silently shaking his head before giving an audible response.

"No… I couldn't. I didn't think it was appropriate," he paused. "I went to the cemetery in the afternoon. On my own."

"Do you regret your choice?"

Castle looked down for a long moment. A part of him probably did.

"No… I don't think so," he slightly modified his answer. "I can't… Look, could we… go back to the reason why I'm here, please?"

"Of course," Dr Burke agreed giving Castle another moment of silence, a powerful method to make the patient reflect on his own feelings. There was no need to insist. He was not ready to talk about it just yet. "Did you know the shooter personally?" he asked to go back to Castle's first question, as requested.

"No! Everybody asks me, but I had never seen this man before. I don't get it. I keep asking myself, why me? Why did he spare me?"

"What happened exactly? He pointed the weapon at your head, looked you in the eyes and then walked away?"

"No," Castle sighed. "He got shot while pointing the gun at my head."

"Then, how do you know he spared you?" Dr Burke genuinely asked. Castle looked at him questioningly. Dr Burke stayed quiet a moment to give Castle time to process his thought. "Think about it that way: maybe it has nothing to do with you. Maybe this man was a maniac. Maybe he simply had a revelation. Suddenly he realized what he was doing and froze for a few seconds. It could have been you lying on the ground and your friend in the killer's line of fire, and it wouldn't have made a single difference. Whether it was you or anybody else, it may not matter. You behave like this was personal. What if it wasn't?"

"Yeah, but how do I know? How do I make sure of that?"

"I'm afraid you won't be able to," he paused. "Mr Castle, he may not have fired his weapon. But he did not spare you. It is clear to me that you did not get out of there unharmed."

"Yeah, but they're dead and I'm alive."

"Indeed, you are. And it's killing you."

# # # # #

Kate looked around when she got home but he wasn't there. She knew where he was, what he was doing. She quietly approached his office to see him working on his laptop. She knew he was not writing for his next novel. He had been on it for two days. Almost day and night, to the point of not following her back to the precinct for her new case.

"Hey," she said very gently, standing on the doorway.

Castle briefly looked up as though he had been brought back to reality.

"Hey!" he exclaimed, glancing at his watch, surprised to see she was already home.

"How was your day?" she asked after a moment, seeing he was back to his occupation.

"Productive!" he said with a smile, typing on his computer. "I haven't figured out his motivation just yet but I just got off the phone with Espo-"

"Rick, can I talk to you for a minute?" she said quietly, not paying attention to his explanation.

"Just… one second…" he said, still focused on what he was writing. "I got an interesting info. Look," he said standing up. A picture with a name, a birth certificate and an official paper appeared on his TV screen. All the details were there. Just like he had done years ago for Beckett's case with her shooters. Kate's first reaction was surprise: she didn't even know it was possible. Then anxiety took over. How far would he go? "Toby Farnell is not his real name. Charles McDonovan is. He's been convicted in the past for violence but changed his name last… year…"

Kate had turned her head away, with her eyes closed. Castle noticed she was not paying attention, as she was shaking her head.

"What?" he asked. She looked at him for a moment then turned round. Castle followed her into the living-room. "What is it?"

"What are you doing?" Kate asked, genuinely concerned.

"I'm investigating. That's what cops do," he answered.

Kate nodded gently as to agree with him.

"Cops," she stressed. "I'm sorry, Castle, I know you hate when people say that to you… but you're not a cop," she paused. "Let them do it. Let them investigate."

"Yeah? And who's on this case? No one. Because they don't care. The guy is dead, the case is closed. You think they'll dig more into it to know why he did that in the first place? And why he didn't shoot me when he had the opportunity?"

"Please don't do that. Don't... make the same mistake I've made. I'm begging you, Castle. Don't do this…"

Castle took a deep breath followed by a long sigh as he understood he would not have her support.

"So... I'm just supposed to leave that behind me and go back to the old days, fooling around? I just have to forget, that's your advice."

"Isn't that what you wanted? You said it yourself, you wanted to forget as if nothing happened," she reminded him of his own words.

"Yeah. That was when I had almost no memory at all of what happened. But some people convinced me to look at the footage. And now I've seen it all. I know every moment of it. How do you want me to forget now?" he paused. "But apparently I just have to let go? It's that easy, right?"

"Please…" she begged him.

"You can't judge me, Kate. Not you! You did the same. How many times did I ask you to let go? You didn't!"

"And I was wrong," she said very gently, almost whispering. "I understand now, Rick," she said on the verge of crying. "Don't go down that road, please… because I know where that's gonna lead you."

"Kate, I need to make-"

"… sense of all this! I know!" she exclaimed, getting tired of this. "But not everything makes sense." Silence settled between them. "Not everything makes sense," she repeated. They were definitely not on the same wave-length. "I know it's been hard on you. I know it takes time, I know you need time to heal. I've been there… Trust me."

"Then you better than anyone else should understand," Castle said, lowering his voice to a more normal tone.

"Castle… I want you back. I don't want to lose you in the middle of this," she said looking scared.

"I don't understand. You… You did the same, you wanted to know why. Why was your mother killed in that alley? Why her? And I was there every step of the way for you!"

"No you weren't," she answered more coldly than she expected. "When I was hanging off the edge of that building, you weren't there."

"Look, I'm-" Castle started, looking sorry.

"And you were right!" she continued, not giving him time to apologize. "I'm gonna tell you the same thing you told me. I'm not gonna stick around to watch you do this. I won't watch you make the same mistake. We're all here for you, Rick, you may not see it. But… if that's what you want, go ahead, do it. You may find what you're looking for in the end… but without me. I'm sorry. I refuse to be a part of this. I can't go through that again."

Kate looked him in the eyes for a moment, then turned around and headed to the door, discreetly wiping away tears. Castle wanted to hold her back but nothing he could say would have made a difference at this point. He clenched his fist with rage. He stood there a long while before going back to his office. He sat in his chair and kept staring at the screen of his laptop for a few minutes, before closing it with anger.

To Be Continued...

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