uhm.. here.. a new chapter..
have fun.. :)
(Sei)
It's been three days since I last saw her. And I've been missing her terribly. And she's not even calling me so that I could know if she's okay or not, and every time I call her, it's always been Jin who was answering, always saying... Youko is not here, Youko is already sleeping, Youko is working on something... damn reasoning. I want to see her. I need to. i wonder if she doesn't want to see me. oh Youko! damn it! where are you. I thought of going in her house, but I'm afraid to see what's in there. What if she realized that she really loved Su more than I? What it she decided to leave again without saying anything.. but.. but she promised me! oh.. Youko.. I miss you.. where are you... *sigh
Eriko was right; I'm a mere third party in this situation. I feel like I'm just a mistress of the one I love and sadly the one that I can't have for now... and oh! The cliché 'so near yet so far' is really applicable in our situation. oh dear. What a crap.. I missed her terribly.. if only Su didn't exist! But I wonder if Youko would ever return here. I wonder where she is now. It's unusual for her to be late... especially when today is Sachiko's party.
"so, where is your lady?" Eriko asked me from behind.
"I don't know. She's not answering my calls and she's not even replying on my text messages on her. Crap!"
"ooohhh... Satou Sei is being so impatient... that's rare."
"shut up deko-chin! Ow! Sorry!"
"hahaha.. you're scary.. but since you're in the mood for teasing... let me tell you something... she called yesterday."
"ugh! i wonder why she's calling you but not answering my call! Darn it"
"jealous are we?"
"no!" but deep down.. I AM! 'Satou Sei CALM DOWN!' "well, anyway.. my precious forehead princess.. did Youko said anything about not answering my calls?"
"uhhh.. forehead princess huh! Well, anyhow, she said that... she's been thinking about something... and she doesn't want to be distract by anyone.. as in ANYONE.."
"oh.. I wonder why you were the one she called and not me... *sigh"
"uhhh.. she consulted something to me."
"uhmmm, 'bout what?"
"well, maybe you just ask her about that thing... because as of now... I could see a raven-haired woman—short-haired woman—wearing an elegant little black dress... escorted by a healthy gay in suit." She said.. well, that caused me to look at my back just to be stunned by a face that's memorized and longed by my heart.
"oh.. wonder why she's not with Su.. I'll ask her that later.. but for now.. I think... I have to leave you..." I said before turning around towards Youko's direction, and good thing she's alone now, because someone dragged Jin into the middle of the hall... I think it was Yoshino who dragged Youko's escort—I have to thank that brat later.
"Youko!" I said, whilst wrapping my arms around her slender body, and she just muttered a simple hi. I then break the embrace and study her. She was indeed stunningly beautiful with that lbd she's wearing, but, there is something in her eyes that made me stare for some moment—before it became flat—then it hit me! her eyes shows confusion and even a bit of gloominess. "Youko? why are you sad?" I asked.
"nothing." She just said, though I didn't want to probe deeper 'cause it might annoyed her... silly, I know she's not the type to be easily annoyed by something, it's just that she looks so vulnerable today. So I gathered all my senses. "c'mon Youko, let's take a walk." I instantly grabbed her hand and walk away from the sea of humanity gathering in the Osagawara hall. we stopped in a bench near the pond at the back of the Osagawara's.
"where is Su? Haven't seen her yet."
"she's back in Europe." She said still eyes not on mine. And I couldn't understand why.
"oh.. why so early?"
"she's getting married."
"she's—what?!"
"like I told you, she's getting married." She said plainly.. with some hint of annoyance I guess.. I don't know why is it she looks so bothered or something.
"so that's why you look so sad... uhm.. well, since she's gone.. does that mean—"
"NO." She said plainly... and I could feel that my heart is constricting, I think I couldn't take it.
"but.. but why? I love you. You love me. so why?" I asked painfully, and that made her look in my eyes.
"look Sei, I've recently broke up with someone—with good reasons of course—and I don't want others to think that your just a placeholder for what I've lost."
"excuses! You could at least give me a strong argument Youko! what you've said is nothing but a lame excuse!" I said, not controlling my emotions. Really, it's a lame excuse coming from a Mizuno Youko.
"and Sei... I think we need to rethink things up." She said to me with a serious... as in uber serious tone.
"and what do you mean by that Youko? if rethinking about my feelings for you... well, I doubt if it will change. Youko I love you so much that I'll die if you go again!" and then, something hit me. "do you not love me anymore?" I asked, almost painfully, but I need to get an answer from her.
"no Sei, I loved you and I still do."
"so, what's with the rethinking thing?"
"look Sei, there are so many things happened to us. I mean, would you really realize that I love you if I didn't went away? Sei, I doubt if you would ever realize that."
"Youko! it's a think from the past."
"exactly my point! It was a thing from the past... and Sei, it made me think.. Sei, what if... just what if one day Shiori walks into your life or same as Shiori's soul? What would you do?" that one caught me off guard.
"I don't know, apparently Shiori still holds something in me. but Youko, you are the one that I love now. And it will not change anything. And Youko, please... we don't know anything about Shiori, we don't even know what had happen to her... but I bet she's now a nun. The one she wants to be!" I said with a hint of annoyance in my voice. Why is it Youko is acting like this? Why is does she makes things so hard for us? I love her! She knows that... but why?
"but Sei. you've said it... you do not know what will you do if shiori stepped in your life again. that's why we have to rethink things. Sei, I also need to. 1 year ago, I fell for someone. It is something I need to think about too. You know, for seven years I'm fond of you, and believed that I love you, but I lost—almost lost—it because someone came in my life. Sei, I don't have any doubt 'bout your love for me. but I doubt mine with you. I don't know how strong this one, especially that I had a relationship before knowing that you love me. This feeling was once got weak... and I don't want it to happened again." she said... before lowering her gaze.
"But... I don't doubt yours Youko." I said. Quite understanding what she wants to say to me.
"Like I said I doubt mine. And I have to rethink things. We have one year to think Sei. so please bear with me. I know that you understand me. And Sei, if you really love me that much... I want that when I go back here after one year... you'll know what you will do if that someone in the past comes back. Sei, I don't want you to forget her. But Sei.. you perfectly know what I mean by that." She said.
Now, I fully understand it. we have so many hesitations in life and this hesitations alone made us falter. Youko wants me to be strong. And I will be strong for her. I won't let her to be the pillar of our relationship—can I call it that way? Well, anyway... I won't let that happen. for so long, I had been dependant on Youko's strength... and little did I know that Youko too is weak. She's a fragile glass inside a thick, hard wall, and someday—one day—I'll be the one to take good care of that fragile thing. I want to take good care of her. I want to be her wall... I don't want to be forever dependant in her. And I will not let her wait in vain for doing that. She doesn't need promises... she needs assurance that our love will be so strong that nothing could ever destroy it. it's hurts me that the one I love will be away from me, like she said... too many things had happened and it is because we are weak... too weak to let our emotions go the way it should be.
"yes Youko. I will. I love you. Always remember that. I'll be waiting for you." I said... whilst wrapping my arms around her fragile form and I'm happy that she returned that embrace.
Funny how both of us hide from our own wall, funny how we became thick-skinned and oblivious we are on the feelings of one to another. Maybe Youko too is not yet ready to face another situation that has no assurance. Maybe she has thought that... Su might be with her forever, but she was wrong... that's maybe the one of the reasons why she needs—we need to rethink things... maybe she knows that a part of me still doesn't want to let go of something in the past. Like what she had said, she doesn't want me to forget her, and I doubt if I could ever do that though... but I will do everything to feel happy that she once dropped in my life... because as of now... I could still feel pain.
