A/N: Uhm...no Mels this chapter. Just Matty-boy. However, just because I'm taking over the fic doesn't mean you won't get anymore chapters from Mello's POV...they just won't be as good as Raven's. ^^;;
Thanks for all the reviews, you lot are really great~
Disclaimer: We do NOT own Death Note thanks to some HORRIBLE twist of fate. The only thing we own is that Lund guy, and we don't want him. -pukes- You readers can beat him with a heavy stick. -pushes towards-


Mornings suck. Period.

Despite myself, I'd ended up falling asleep. It was hard not to, finally being back in Mello's arms after so long, and quite literally at that. He was so warm and I was more then happy to be engulfed by the chocolaty scent that was all Mello. It was easy to forget everything between the time Mello had left, and now. Like being back at Wammy's, only better because we didn't have to deal with Roger giving us looks.

Surprisingly I'd slept fairly well, without the annoying pains and yesterday's events worming their way into my mind. It was a nice change from the often sleepless nights I'd spent at Wammy's over the past four years.

No matter how nice the sleep though, mornings still sucked. I didn't even know it was possible to hurt more, yet I did. My muscles screamed in protest as I rolled over, forcing myself into a sitting position. And that was nothing to the pain in my butt. Huh...I had to wonder if that particular part of me would ever be the same again. Sure as hell didn't feel like it now. Which sucked hard 'cause I kind of needed it to sit on and generally laze around. How could I be me if it hurt to do that?

State of my ass aside, I began to concentrate on waking up. The first thing that caught my attention was the fact that Mello...wasn't there. Instantly my heart sank, and panic welled up, while my mind worked on various reasons why Mello was no longer to be found in his bed. Nothing was logical, and I had to force myself into calm again. In other words, I grabbed my cigarettes from where they'd been left with my GameBoy and lit one of them. Things came together easier naturally, and I was able to convince myself into calm.

Mello wouldn't leave. He had no reason to, it would make no sense. It was stupid to have even considered panicking over the fact that he didn't happen to still be in bed when I woke up. Even so, I clambered out of the bed quick and painlessly as I could, snatching my GameBoy and leaving the empty room behind. Yeah, I was eager to be with Mello, okay? It wasn't that big a deal, his presence was just extremely...soothing. Without that, my nerves were on end.

Yeah, I have separation issues, okay?

I shook off the thought, yawning around my cigarette and looking round for Mello. Thankfully, he was perched on the couch, feet resting up on the table, eyes glued to the T.V before him. It looked as if he'd showered again, maybe because he hadn't really gotten the chance to clean himself last night, his hair slightly wet and sporting only a pair of sweats. I spared a glance at the T.V, quickly made the assumption it was the news, and then turned back to the blond. He didn't even look up at me, clearly very intent on what he was watching.

"Morning Mels," I yawned once again, stretching a bit, though my eyes still never left him. Still he didn't look to me, but he gave a slight nod in acknowledgment, patting a hand against the spot on the couch next to him in invitation. Of course I accepted, sitting down close to him, but not so much that we were touching. There were a few moments passed in silence sans the voices from the television, before Mello finally looked at me. His eyes gave me the once over, before they flicked back to the people on the screen.

"Still feeling like shit?" He questioned after another brief pause, running long fingers through his damp hair to brush it out of his eyes. My fingers itched to play in the golden locks themselves, but I refrained. Mello hadn't much appreciated that back at Wammy's. Then again, his hair was different now, choppier, not at all as neat. Suppose it went with his new look.

...That was a stupid question anyway. Of course I felt like shit, and probably was going to for the next couple days. Seeing as he proposed the question though, I figured there was a chance that it was possible he believed I could feel alright. "I feel just fine Mels," It wasn't lying, it was for a good cause after all. Like when Roger insisted on taking away my game consoles for an entire month because I kept bringing them to class and I'd given him everything BUT my GameBoy, which he'd forgotten I owned since I passed it up in favor of new models.

Another silence, Mello seemed to be lost in thought. "You need therapy,"

What...the heck? Where had that come from? I gave Mello an incredulous look, which he promptly ignored. Or didn't see...either way it when unacknowledged. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Isn't that what you people do when you're traumatized? Go to therapy?" I loved how he said 'you people', like he himself had never had a scarring experienced. Judging by Mello now compared to the Mels I was used to, he'd had scarring experiences to spare.

I huffed lightly, rolling my eyes and shaking my head. "I'm not traumatized Mels, I'll live without therapy," I flicked the ash off my cigarette into the old mint canister I carried around as a makeshift ash tray. His eyes were on me now, and the T.V had been switched off. It wasn't hard to meet his gaze, with my goggles to hide behind, and I raised a brow at him in question to his look.

"Right, which is why you were acting in such a strange manner last night Matt. Don't try and tell me you're fine when I know you aren't." So he had a good point there, sure I'd been acting off last night. But I wasn't now, was I? I was trying not to.

"I'm fine," I said firmly, taking a long drag from the cancer stick and glaring at the smoke that trailed out the end. I really didn't want to argue over this, I didn't ever want to talk about it again. I'd be happy if it was just all forgotten.

"You aren't. You wouldn't want to get fucked, would you? You're still in pain, I know as much. And I know you've got some psychological effects in that head of yours," With that he reached up and tapped my temple for emphasis. I swatted at his hand in annoyance, scowling just faintly. Well, it probably looked more like a grimace then anything. I didn't do so well with angry expressions for some reason.

"I'll admit I'm still sore, but I'm just fine in the head. Its not like I didn't see it coming, you did warn me," That was a bit of a stretch. Sure I'd known about the sex part, that didn't mean I knew how it would actually feel. That didn't matter though, it had happened and we couldn't go back. I wouldn't go back, because it had helped Mello out.

"I don't believe that," By the sound of his voice, that would be the end of the conversation. He wasn't going to waste his time arguing with me, and I was okay with that. Once more he leaned back, snapping off a chunk of chocolate in his trademark manner. I took an odd comfort in the familiar sound, one that had once annoyed the crap out of me. After going without it for years though, you learn to appreciate even the most irritating things.

The news was turned on once more, and Mello leaned back, still wordlessly. I turned my attention to the screen, not really paying full attention to the goings on they were discussing. Soon enough I found myself sucking air through the filter that was left of my cigarette, so the butt was discarded. I about reached for a new one, but decided that could wait until later. My body, though achy, was still exhausted, and my mind was rather agreeing. I wasn't sure how long I'd slept last night, but it seemed it wasn't enough to make up of four years of hardly any sleep at all.

Another yawn, and I leaned back on the couch, arranging my body so I could rest my head on Mello's lap. It wasn't an unfamiliar position, we often sat like this back at Wammy's. Despite that, the blond stiffened, eyes focused down on me once more. For just a second he looked surprised, and then mildly discomforted. He didn't shove me away, but continued to look down at me rather pointedly. I frowned, and arched a brow up at him expectantly.

A light, awkward cough escaped him, and he shifted just slightly. "You might want to know that laying like that might inspire reactions you aren't interested in," My frown only deepened with this, not sure what he was getting at.

"Wha-...oh. Oh! Crap sorry..." Apparently it didn't take that long for it to sink in, and when it hit me I was quick to jerk into a sitting position. My face was hot, and I knew I must have been blushing like crazy. "That's not what I...it wasn't like I..." I stumbled over the words, trying to explain that it wasn't my intention to...well yeah.

The bastard went and smirked at me, relaxing into the couch again. "That's what I thought,"

I glowered at him a moment, which was a bit stupid all considering it would have no effect with my goggles in the way. Huffing lightly, I looked away, willing my certainly vibrant blush to fade. "Shut it," I muttered, and it was supposed to come out all annoyed and threatening. Instead it sounded like I was pouting. Which I wasn't thank you.

"What's the blush for?"I felt his fingers brush under my chin, pushing up lightly so that I would look upwards again. That clever smirk still played over Mello's lips, only causing my situation to worsen. So I was an easy blusher, nothing wrong with that...

"I don't know. I don't control whether I blush or not," I bit my lip as he leaned in further, smirk gone, all serious now. I didn't know whether that was worse, or better then the unfairly sexy expression from before. A serious Mello was often a dangerous Mello, I'd learned.

"There has to be a reason. C'mon, tell me." Further still he leaned in, I felt his breath over my lips and suddenly I wasn't breathing in air so much as his normally inviting scent. I wasn't really panicking, that would be stupid. My body did stiffen though, and I leaned back, resting my arms behind me for balance.

"I was just embarrassed. That's all Mels," People blushed when they were embarrassed, right? And that had certainly been the case with me.

Mello seemed to be done with this topic, because he leaned in just that little bit more, brushing his lips over mine. It couldn't really be considered a kiss, but it sent a rush of heat through me, like a sort of spark had gone off with just the light touch. At the same time, I found myself tensing further, stomach beginning to tie itself into a tight knot.

"What's there to be nervous about Matt? Its just me," I didn't know if he was mocking me or not with all of this, but I did know I didn't appreciate it. I wouldn't push him away though, I wanted to prove a point. Obviously he still didn't believe I was fine, and this was meant as a test.

"Who said I was nervous? I'm not," My voice betrayed me, not coming out at all like I wanted. At least it didn't shake or crack though, I could be happy for that.

A scoffing noise came from him, though his expression remained serious, intent. "You were just acting nervous, pulling away and blushing," He pointed out with a slight shrug. His hand came up to tug my goggles out of their place, letting them drop around my neck. This only caused me to tense further, and my first reaction was to shut my eyes tightly. Dammit Mello, I needed those just where they were. Even as I leaned back, he was closer again, body almost touching mine. I felt his lips at my ear, hair tickling my face, and my breath hitched with the unwelcome position.

"You're scared, aren't you?"

Scared? Is that what he thought? Geez, he was acting like I just got raped out of the blue or something and was paranoid of it happening again. I wasn't scared.

"Prove it Matt," With these words, Mello pulled back slightly, just enough that I could feel his breath on my lips again, and not by my ear. "Kiss me back, show me you aren't afraid. Open your eyes and look at me, tell me." For once, there wasn't a real command in Mello's voice. It was almost an offer. Prove it to him, or prove to him that he was right, that was my choice.

That really wasn't a very good choice.

Sighing just lightly, I leaned in fractionally, forcing my eyes open. I met Mello's gaze head on, unflinching, studying the emotions written into the seemingly fathomless blue. "I'm not....not...I'm not afraid," Okay, total fail there. Even I could admit that. My voice wavered and stuttered and not even the most idiotic of people would believe me.

"Are you sure about that?" I wasn't given any time to answer, because as soon as the words left his lips, they were on mine again. It wasn't a light brush like last time, not even close. His mouth molded into mine, moving in a wickedly sinful fashion. I was even tenser then before, fingers digging into the cloth of the couch behind me. "I don't believe you," That was the only short pause, before he started the kissing once more, still not allowing me the chance to speak.

I couldn't deny it felt good, unbelievably so, but my body was rejecting every sweep of his tongue and brush of his teeth against my lips. It was impossible to enjoy it when the ghost of Lund's harsh touches lingered over my being, snaring it in a tense, untouchable manner.

My eyes closed tightly again in a knee-jerk reaction, and I tilted my face out of reach of the blonde, escaping his heated kiss. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding, feeling my face heat with shame. So much for not letting him be right...

I didn't know whether to be relieved, or upset when he pulled away, settling back on his own side of the couch again. "You're a terrible liar when it comes to me, y'know that?" His statement wasn't confusing, it was just that. A simple statement. Once more that little spot labeled my pride made itself known, and a scowl pulled at my mouth. I wasn't lying, I was just...stretching the truth to avoid unneeded concerns.

"Not lying Mels. I'm not scared," That said, I stood up, moving so I was facing him again. My hands rested on his knees as I leaned in, keeping myself balanced. I hesitated for just a second, before pressing my lips firmly onto his, just as he had done to me. Tense as I was, I wasn't about to make the kiss anymore chaste then the one I'd received. For a second, I found myself not getting as much reaction as I normally would have. Mello sat there, barely moving his lips, most likely testing me further. Dammit.

It was just Mello though, right? This was easy, something I'd wanted to do for years. Something I'd gotten so much pleasure out of doing the night previously. It shouldn't be so hard now to just lean in a bit more, tilt my head, deepen the kiss...

All hesitation on Mello's part vanished almost immediately after I did so. Suddenly his hands were on my hips, holding them with a force that would probably darken the bruises already forced onto my skin. I gasped lightly at the shock that the action sent through my body, and he took the opportunity to slip his tongue into my mouth.

Anxiety hit then, stronger then before, and I found myself frozen to the spot. Mello didn't relent, grip harsher then necessary as he dove full force into the kiss. Actually, I wouldn't really call it a kiss anymore considering I went entirely unresponsive, panic stealing any control of my body. No, no, no...it was just Mello, it was okay, it had to be okay.

My body wasn't really in the mood to listen today apparently.

Finally I managed to jerk my head back, bringing my lips out of reach once more. I was panting, heart once again hitting against my rib cage with enough force that it felt as if it might just break out. I wriggled out of his grip, dropping on the couch next to him, eyes still closed tight. Mello, it seemed, wasn't having that. His hands were on my shoulders and mouth on mine before I even got the chance to grab another cigarette to help force relaxation back on myself.

My arms went behind me again, holding me up as he pressed up against me. I didn't want on my back, it wasn't as if I didn't feel vulnerable enough. It was Mello though, as I kept reminding myself. He wouldn't do anything.

Once more I turned my head away, pulling my lips out of reach. A light bout of cursing followed, breath still coming out in pants. "Mels," I said his name quietly, not as a plead, but more like a reminder. One he didn't seem to catch, as his lips met my neck. Or, rather his tongue and teeth met my neck, not enough to leave marks to join the others already there, but enough that I noticed the difference. It didn't hurt, yet my body wanted to reject it. No matter how much I was actually enjoying the feeling, I couldn't take it. I just tensed further, unable to repress images and feelings from the previous evening I never wanted to have to acknowledge again.

"Mello," It came out as more of a whine this time then I really wanted to. I received no response, so I pushed against his chest slightly. "Mello, off." My face was still turned from his, but I could feel his eyes on me as he finally paused, pulling back to look at me. My bangs hid my own eyes from view, as I knew it probably wouldn't be a good idea to try and pull on my goggles again.

I felt his hand under my chin once more, pulling my face up almost gently to look at him. I forced my eyes open again, but this time I didn't meet his, instead watching the curve of his lips carefully for any sign of emotion. "Are you afraid of me?" His voice was low as he questioned me, a tone I hadn't heard him use before. It was flat, cold, completely devoid of anything in remote semblance to human life and feeling. It sent a chill down my spine, and a pang in my heart, a desperate desire for my Mello back running through me.

"No." We needed a better way to communicate. Voices were to personal, allowed room for misunderstandings. My voice wavered and shook again, small with fear that wasn't there. I was nowhere near my normal calm, and I couldn't help but grow all the more anxious with that thought. I needed that calm, that calm was me. It helped me deal with emotions I didn't want, couldn't handle. Mello was the only one who could ever break that calm, just as he was doing now. Panic hit me then as I realized just how vulnerable I was at the moment. There was no way to hide my thoughts, no way to control my emotions and find my calm again. All because of Mello.

It was amazing what the person you loved could do to you.

His body was pressing against mine once more, applying a rather harsh pressure to my abused abdomen. A grimace crossed my features, but I made no noise, biting into my lip instead. Mello's lips were not millimeters away, within kissing range if I just shifted slightly...

"Are you sure?"

Sure? Of course I was sure. Absolutely, completely, undeniably sure. I wasn't afraid, not of Mello. There was no reason.

What I wasn't sure of was what to do. Half of myself was yelling at me to move, to escape the situation, find my own personal bubble again and smoke until the panic was shot dead. It wanted out, and it wanted out badly. The other half coaxed me forward, had me wanting to kiss Mello until I saw stars, and my poor smoker's lungs were screaming for me to pause and take a breath. Obviously I could not meet both demands, so I met in the middle, staying completely still.

"Yeah...I'm sure," That's it. My body was rebelling against me, or something. Because with those three words...I sure as heck didn't sound sure, and Mello knew it.

"You aren't sure," His hand released my chin, but instead of leaving me in peace, it slipped under the hem of my shirt. My breath caught, stomach muscles tightening impossibly under his hand. Slightly calloused fingers traced over my skin, sending shudders of pleasure up my spine. Yet my body rejected every touch, every action, all the warmth and pleasure and feeling of Mello. I was squirming away from his touch, unable to handle it and the emotions that came with it. No, no, no... "You're afraid of me,"

I kept my eyes open as his lips returned to my throat, now afraid of closing them. If they were closed, unwanted images would spring up on me again, leaving my nonexistent fear to turn into something more real. As long as my eyes were open, I could see Mello, know it was Mello, and be reminded that because it was Mello, nothing would happen. It would all be okay.

How did that trick work again? The one where you go completely limp, and everything would just work out okay? How the heck did that work when in a situation like this you couldn't make your body relax? It was impossible, how could anyone do that? As my shirt slid higher, I tensed further, despite all attempts to pull the going limp trick. It just wouldn't work.

Instead I tried to ignore the situation, hoping that Mello would just give up. I sighed quietly, dropping my head back while still keeping Mello in my sight. My fingers stopped clawing into the couch behind me, and I almost seemed to relax. My thoughts trailed away, focusing on the only thing that tended to occupy my mind that wasn't Mello; video games. I wondered over how I would replace the consoles I'd ended up leaving at Wammy's, not to mention the games.

For a bit, that worked for me. It did not, on the other hand, seem to work for Mello. He'd never been one to appreciate being ignored, and the moment he figured out my trick, his hips thrust down against mine. That wasn't something that could easily be ignored, or ignored at all really. A noise forced its way from my throat that was half moan, half whimper, and all gay. As if I really needed something more to be taunted about.

"Mello, off." I repeated, thankfully in a more firm tone. Sure I was still a little breathless, but that was at least manageable. Again, he ignored this, pressing down again, still attacking my throat in that all too pleasurable manner.

"Why?" There was no curiosity in his tone, more or less a demand for an answer. I couldn't give him an answer though, had no real reason to explain my desire for this all to stop. I wanted it, I wouldn't even try to deny that. Still, I didn't want it, nauseating reminders of my first experience in this department swarming up and taking over.

"Just...get off Mels. Please," I was pleading with him now, I could admit that. I really didn't have much shame left, so why bother trying to get around it? I wanted him off, more then I actually wanted him. Much as I hated to admit that. It wasn't fair, not in the least.

I felt both empty and relieved when he finally pulled off, retrieving his abandoned chocolate. I scrambled into a sitting position, tugging my shirt down properly. A cigarette was lit and at my lips in record time, and a sighed in bliss at the feeling of the smoke once again filling my lungs.

"You still have to tell me why," Mello reminded, snapping off another chunk of chocolate without looking away from me. I hesitated, still unsure how to answer, not even sure I could answer. Only a few moments passed in silence, before something like a sigh escaped Mello. "Its because you're afraid. I know that you are. Flashbacks from yesterday possibly..." He trailed off in an uncharacteristic manner, falling into thought. "Do you think I'd do that to you?"

"No!" I protested on instant, shaking my head fiercely, ash spilling from the end of my smoke and onto the couch. "Of course not Mels, I don't think that. Its just..."

"Don't make excuses Matt, I got it." His tone was stiff, and I half wondered if my rejection hit him harder then I'd meant. The thought was quickly shaken off though. It couldn't be the case. This was Mello, and he'd been trying to prove a point anyhow. Another long moment passed, in silence again as we each obliged to our addictions. I must have been on my fifth or sixth cigarette before Mello stood, tossing the crumpled chocolate wrapper into a nearby trash bin. I watched him anxiously, praying silently that he wasn't really angry with me.

"What are you doing?"

He made a scoffing noise, heading towards the room we'd occupied the night before. "I've got to go back to work dumb ass. I can't hang around here and play baby sitter all day. I've got even more things on my hands now," I rolled my eyes at the demeaning comments, turning my attention to my neglected GameBoy again.

"And what am I supposed to do?" I wasn't sure I had enough games to last me for every time he went to work, and I didn't want to be left with nothing. It wouldn't be so bad to actually having something to do to help.

"You get to stay home and play housewife," I could hear him clearly, even though he was now in the bedroom, probably changing. The words sent another rush of heat to my face, and I actually scowled. There was probably a smirk on my face, and what I wouldn't give to wipe it right off....

Not that I would. Mello's smirk was usually the closest he got to a smile, and I cherished it just as much as any grin or laugh. But you get the point.

"Jerk," I muttered when he finally reappeared from the bedroom. He was all in leather once again, keys to his motorcycle clutched in his right hand. A smirk really did cross his face as he came over and ruffled my hair in a teasing fashion. I leaned into the touch while it was there, which really wasn't that long as he was moving for the door within seconds.

"Bitch," Was his response to my attempt at in insult. I turned to face him, sticking my tongue out in a childish fashion.

"Love you too Mels," My tone was sarcastic, at ease, now that I was able to keep my more important emotions to myself again. That, my friends, is the power of nicotine. Amazing stuff I tell you.

"Don't I know it," The tone he used was equally sarcastic, and he offered a taunting wink before slipping out of the apartment. I was relived that it seemed his bad mood from before had vanished, meaning the situation could be put behind us. I couldn't help but roll my eyes again, even if he wasn't there, as I settled back down and turned my eyes to the screen of my GameBoy once again.

Hah, if only he knew how serious my comment actually was.