Disclaimer: Do I really need one? Everybody knows I don't own twilight.

Chapter 8

How will I survive, knowing he's going to spend his life with someone else?

Sunbeams were actually beating down on the ground as my eyes opened the following morning. I blinked, astonished, a few times after I had rolled my curtain up to see if I wasn't hallucinating. I wasn't.

With only a few lonely clouds flying distantly from side to side, the sky looked beautiful. It had been a long time since the sun had been shining in Forks.

Determined to catch some Vitamin D, something I usually was able to in Paris, I walked to school. Exercise was never wrong. The truck looked forgotten as I passed it, and I fought the impulse of opening the door.

Even though it wasn't that far, I regretted my decision halfway. That was when the sweat started pumping, and soaked my shirt. This March was warm, and my jacket even warmer.

When I took the first step onto the school's properties, I was positive that it would take a lot to make me want to walk to school again. Exhausted, I walked across the lot with two words ringing in my ears. Never again, never again, never again…

It turned out that I had a new schedule than the one I had had last semester. Biology was the first lesson, and I prayed to God Edward wouldn't be in that class. I didn't know if he hadn't gotten my message to his voicemail, and I didn't want to ask him if he had gotten it.

To my relief, Edward wasn't sitting in the classroom as I entered. Mr Banner greeted me happily when I came. In a strange way, he had always liked me as I student. Maybe thanks to the fact that Biology was the one subject that I found easy.

"You can sit next to Mr Newton," Mr Banner offered, and I nicely took a seat to the boy that I liked the least in this school.

There was nothing wrong with Mike – not at all – he simply wasn't my type. He was always happy and cheery, which sometimes bothered me. It was something in the way that there was always a smile etched upon his face that silenced me.

I had never gotten to know him pretty well, but I knew that he liked me. On several occasions, he had asked me out.

"Hi, Bella," he exclaimed, surprised. Several other familiar gazes were brought to us by his exclamation, and I blushed. Angela and Ben weren't in this class, my only other friends in this school, apart from Edward. "How was Paris?"

"Good," I said with a nod.

"I've missed you…" he admitted, and I immediately blushed. I was aware of Mike's feelings for me, but it embarrassed me. At the same time, I couldn't help but to feel a little mean, since I would never ever think of him the way he thought of me.

I didn't answer.

"A lot," he added hopefully. Where did he want to come with his statements?

My eyes widened noticeable as I saw the possibilities. How could I have been so blind? Mike had, obviously, always been begging to go on a date with me, but I had always denied his offers politely. It struck me as so odd that I hadn't thought of Mike earlier. When I had spoken to Alice.

Mike was the key to my problems. If Edward thought of me as anyone else than his best friend. If there was a possibility, then Mike was the key. I knew how Edward would react if he liked me. He would be jealous. Almost as jealous as I was of Sheila, because it was impossible for anyone to be more jealous than I was at the moment. It simply couldn't be possible.

I knew that if I started to date Mike, our relationship would affect Edward mentally if those two kisses had meant anything. But what if they hadn't?

"Er, Mike," I started hesitantly, trying very hard not to blush. Was this really happening? Was I asking Mike Newton out? The boy that was on the bottom of my list of persons I'd like to date.

He turned to meet my gaze. His blue eyes sparkled with hope. So seldom, barely ever, was I the one to start a conversation.

"Yeah," he said, the surprise a fact in his voice.

"Listen," I began. I was embarrassed, and brought myself together by taking a deep breath. It helped. "Are you free this Friday?" I managed to say, biting down hard on my lip afterwards.

See, not that bad!

But it turned out to be. Bad. Really bad.

Mike's eyes lit up, and then widened. A huge smile immediately spread across his face, revealing big dimples in his cheeks.

"What?" he asked, astonished. His reaction made me want to cry out in irriation.

Will you just tell me if you're free or not? This is embarrassing enough you know!

He didn't listen to my inner pleas.

"Are you free? On Friday?" I repeated, focusing on not sounding rude.

He blinked a few times before answering. Again, his answer disappointed me. "What?"

I sighed. "Don't make me say it again."

"Are you asking me out?"

"It looks like it," I said nonchalantly, trying to sound indifferent. I struggled with it. Inside, two forces were ripping each other to pieces. One that objected wildly to the fact that I was asking a person who wasn't Edward out. And another, who tried to silence the first one, attempting to explain that this was the only way to ever get Edward.

I regretted my decision a little now, since I hadn't realized what was going to occur inside of me. Neither had I counted with the fact that Mike would react as if someone had just told him he'd won the lottery. I shrugged at the thought; I was anything but a prize.

"Yes," he said quickly. "What do you want to do? A movie?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "Sure."

He smiled. "Great, what time should I pick you up?" He wasn't even trying to hide the excitement in his voice – it bothered me.

"Seven?"

"Seven's great," he said, and Mr Banner interrupted us by starting the class. I sighed in relief.

Angela's hair had grown out a lot since I'd seen her last, and Ben hadn't grown much at all, I found out at lunch. It was lovely to see them again, and we spoke without a single pause during lunch. Edward was sitting quiet next to me, and I did my best to ignore him, bearing yesterday's events in my head.

"I didn't see your truck in the lot…" he said all of a sudden. How could he be so observant? I would never want anyone but him – I knew it. There was nothing that I didn't love about him. He was everything.

"I walked," I replied, fingering with my fork.

"Do you need a ride home?" Edward offered, and my heart started pounding extra fast. He was so kind.

"I can walk," I said shyly, gazing down at my food.

"I'll drive you," he said in a determined voice.

"Thanks."

He walked wordlessly with me to his car after school, and I sat down on the cozy seats. They smelled familiar – they smelled clean, and they smelled like Edward did. I shrugged at the thought that Sheila had obviously sat on the same spot as I was right now. A strange kind of nausea spread from my stomach as I thought of her, in Edward's arms, their entwined hands… My eyes watered at the thought, and I quickly wiped them away, hoping Edward hadn't noticed.

The drive home was quiet, but I still dreaded the moment where he would stop in front of my house. When he did, I sighed quietly to myself.

"Can I come in?" he wondered slowly, surprising me.

"Of course," I said quickly, hiding my eagerness.

I tried hard not to dance towards the door. Edward had wanted to come in! As I thought about it, a warm sensation spread from my head to toes. I shot one quick glimpse into his emerald eyes, and felt my pulse quicken in my chest.

I fumbled with the keys in my hand, and managed to unlock the door with a rather difficulty.

"I got your message," he said as I stripped of my jacket. I was too shy to answer. "I'm sorry," he continued. "About yesterday… I shouldn't… I shouldn't have acted like that. It was stupid."

His kind words made me swallow loudly. He was far too perfect for me. It was so obvious that he only deserved girls like Sheila. Perfect, beautiful, smart girls. I wasn't one of them, and I hated it.

"Can we go to the kitchen?" he wondered, and I nodded in response. He sat down on a kitchen chair, while I stood up, fidgeting with my bracelet.

"I'm sorry for this beforehand – I just need to know. Why," I paused. "Why did you get engaged so fast? I mean, five months? Isn't that – I don't know – pretty fast?"

He sighed and looked away. A brief silence hovered over us like a cloud of rain in a cartoon, stubbornly following its victim. He squeezed his eyes shut a moment before answering. I didn't like the troubled look that flickered across his gorgeous face.

"I don't know," he breathed, and then he met my eyes again. "It all happened so quickly, we were suddenly… together." I gulped at the thought. "And then… I guess it just happened." He paused. "I didn't exactly handle it very well when you were gone."

My heart skipped a beat. What was that supposed to mean? Had he missed me? Had he wanted to be with me? Had he? The thoughts made my pulse thud erratically in my ears, and I could feel the blood rushing to my face. Had it been exactly the same for him as it had been for me – the constant feeling of an emptiness so deep there was nothing you could do about it? I wanted answers – I needed answers. Now.

If, if, he had missed me as much as I had missed him, then what would change? Would it affect anything at all? Maybe, it would overwhelm me with an unexpected boldness, which would make me brave enough to admit my feelings for him. But if I did, would that change anything at all? Would he come rushing into my arms, or would he stand quiet and awkward, wishing I had never spoken out loud?

Yesterday's phone call with Alice was suddenly ringing in my ears, and I thought about her plan. Would it be that easy to get a boyfriend, just like that? Was it really that simple? Alice made it sound as if there was nothing easier…

I resisted bombarding him with questions, and stubbornly bit down on my lip, making wonderings impossible to come out. Nothing good would come from pressing him. I needed to take it easy, one question at a time.

"Then why didn't you come to visit?" I demanded.

He slowly squirmed in his seat. I determinedly leaned against the kitchen counter, and tried to see his expression under the thick curtain of reddish brown hair that was covering his eyes.

"I don't really know," he said and looked up. "Everything is so difficult right now. With Sheila, with you, with everything… I met her just after you left and… and I didn't want her to suspect something if I went to visit you…"

What a lame, pathetic, excuse, a voice echoed inside my head. The other part of my brain objected wildly. There couldn't be anything bad about Edward at all. After all, I was perfectly aware of that Edward didn't think of me in any other way than his friend. He saw me as his friend Bella, his friend that he had recently introduced his bride-to-be to.

Of course he hadn't wanted Sheila to suspect anything. What would she have thought if Edward went away to visit his "friend" in Paris? Nothing good. Sheila would have realized that her chances of getting Edward were as high as a needle put in breadth. Edward had, obviously, been interested in Sheila directly. He hadn't had a single thought of me, and my pathetic excuse of a life in Paris. Of course he hadn't.

Wishful thinking…

During the months I had spent in France I had never stopped hoping that Edward might think of me as anything else than his best friend. Even though I'd covered those thoughts over with objections and arguments about all the things that proved the opposite, I had deep down secretly dreamed of a life with him. Not a life as his best friend, no, a life as his girlfriend.

Stubbornly, I had imagined that it would all work out. Maybe not directly, and maybe not instantly, but with time. Because had hadn't those two kisses meant anything for him? They had meant everything to me. They epitomized everything I had ever dreamt of.

It was natural to show the outside the opposite. Insecurities, hesitation – the natural reactions of a human body. Though furthest away in my mind, there existed a world where Edward and I lived together. A world I would so often drift to, where I found solace.

And as I came back to Forks – to find the real Edward, and not the boy in my dreams – I had realized that life wasn't a dream. Very seldom, wishes did come true.

Maybe it wasn't worth fighting for him. Maybe too much was lost already. Still, I didn't care. Determination was itching in my head like a mosquito bite. I wouldn't give up – I would persevere. If it would do me any good, I wasn't aware of. My reputation might have to suffer, but a small part of me came to the conclusion that it probably would be worth.

"Of course, I understand," I muttered lowly, fidgeting with the hem of my shirt.

An embarrassing silence hovered over the room. I was too shy and weak to break it.

"I wish you wouldn't understand," he said lowly.

I frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"

He looked up. "I wish you would be less… understanding. I wish I needed to explain everything…"

His words confused me to a point where I didn't know what to answer. What was his purpose with the words? As always, I analyzed his words so thoroughly that I thought my brain was going to explode.

"Now I don't understand…" I said slowly. When he didn't answer, I slowly walked to sit next to him. "I hate fighting with you," I admitted. "Can't we be friends?" More than friends?

"There is no fight," Edward explained. "I messed up, and I'm sorry."

"I thought I was the one who messed up. Telling you all those things yesterday…" You would have thought that I regretted banging some sense into his head, thanks to his reaction, but I didn't.

"No," Edward objected. "You were the one to put everything into place. I overreacted, you were right. You reacted just the way you should have done. It's not strange you find it confusing…"

"So you guys really are getting married?" I asked, trying to sound indifferent, even though my insides were burning with indescribable pain. I recognized it as jealousy. "Is it settled?"

"It was settled the moment I asked her," he answered.

To hear it from him, like that, was brutal. My self-control was driven to its edge. If only there hadn't been any boundaries, any rules. If there only had been Edward and I. If only I had been able to start sobbing in that moment. If only Edward would have understood, and consoled me.

My lower lip suffered worst from my inner depression. I bit down so hard on it, that I soon could sense the rusty taste I despised in my mouth. It was as though my lip jaw had been locked in the position it was, I couldn't stop chewing on it.

In a way, it felt nice to focus on another pain than the breathtaking one that nowadays was always in my chest for a moment. To be able to focus on something else for a short while was soothing. The pain in my chest didn't disappear entirely, but it was less prominent. I appreciated that, that there was a simple way out.

"You knew that, right?" Edward wanted to know.

I didn't like the edge of our conversation. It was so… different. As if we weren't best friends… As if we were something else, something less important. Strangers. Acquaintances.

"I guess," I shrugged my shoulders. "Good luck," I said without enthusiasm.

"Sheila wants you to play racquetball with us this Friday," Edward said suddenly, ignoring the words I hadn't really meant.

"Oh," I answered, just after realizing how great the timing was.

Perfect, this is a golden opportunity to brag about your date with Mike…

Bragging might not have been the ideal word to describe it all with. I was sure Edward would be mildly impressed with my choice of date, but if there were any possible chance, a tiny, tiny, chance, that he might like me, then it would show now. When he found out about that Mike and I was dating.

Maybe we wasn't exactly dating right now, since I had never been out with Mike (and hadn't planned to since yesterday) before, but I was sure Mike would want to meet me more than once.

Where did all the self-confidence come from? a voice inside my head demanded, and I didn't know the answer.

"You don't have to come if you don't want to," Edward said quietly, obviously being troubled with the subject. "It's up to you."

Racquetball… Bella+Racquet… Didn't he realize what it meant?

"Have you forgotten I'm the worst person in the world on sports?" I asked, frowning, not revealing the big new of Mike and my date just yet.

"No," he said simply. "That's why I told her you most definitely wouldn't come. Though she insists she'll be able to teach you… Frankly, I doubt it," he said, a smirk covering his face. His expression made everything in my brain disappear for a second, and I suddenly forget everything. Who I was, why I was here, and what I was going to do. Edward dazzled me.

He noticed my sudden silence.

"Bella?" He frowned.

"I-I'm busy this Friday," I stuttered, not fully having recovered from my sudden blindness.

"Oh," he said. His voice revealed that it wasn't the answer he had expected. "May I ask what you're going to do?" he wondered.

I could feel the smug smile dawn across my face – it was impossible to hide it.

"I'm going on a date with Mike Newton," I announced proudly. The look on his face was priceless, but not one that I had hoped would adorn his face.

"Mike Newton?" He suffocated a laugh. "You're going out with Mike?"

I blushed violently. "Y-yes," I murmured. The plan hadn't worked at all as I had thought.

"So what, you're doing it out of pity? He's been drooling all over you for years."

I put on a mask of confidence, and pretended as if the reason for asking Mike out had been because I was interested in him. "No, I like Mike."

He snorted. "Yeah, right." And for the briefest of a second, I thought I saw an entirely different emotion across his face. But then, as quickly as it had appeared, it was gone, and the same laughing mask was on his face again.

"No, it's true," I protested, without sounding as convincing as I had hoped.

"I truly hope it's not," he chuckled, and I glared at him.

"It's not funny."

He snorted again. "That's not true." He smiled, and I let it go.

He helped me with the Calculus homework before he left, and I enjoyed every second of alone time with him.

"Come back soon," I said as he announced his leaving. It was the only thing I had said during our conversation that I had actually meant. My chest hurt incredibly as I thought of that he would soon leave. When he left, everything would be without matter.

"I will," he promised.

I followed him to the door, and simply looked at him as he put on his jacket. Sheila was so lucky to have him. He was everything. I fought the urge of not taking his hand and squeezing it.

He hesitated in the doorway. I waited patiently for him to say something.

"Bye, Bella," he said, his voice just over a whisper. And then, he did something that surprised me as much as it pleased me. He hesitantly reached out, to stroke the back of my hand for just a second, before pulling it away again. Bewildered, I looked at his graceful form as he closed the door after him. It would be worth dating Mike, if it meant Edward would be mine some day.

A/N: Ooh! What did you think? After seeing New Moon, I truly think Mike is so funny, and weird. NEW MOON WAS AMAZING!!! Loved it, can't wait to see it again!

Sorry that this is very badly written, but I just scribbled something, in my haste of wanting to update… At least it's long!

Please review!!! It encourages me to write faster!