Chapter 8

Kally wasn't at the hospital, and she wasn't at home. There was a note though, asking Leo to water the plants while she was gone. She mentioned something about having to stay at her mothers until the stitches could be removed. She wrote that it was perfectly okay for him to use the apartment all he wanted, there was even a joke about throwing a wild party in hopes that someone will throw the tv out the window, trash the walls and break a water pipe so that the landlord would be forced to fix the place up. Leo wasn't laughing. He had wanted to ask if what Raphael had said was true- that she was sorry for wanting to continue breathing. There was no reason to doubt his brother but...

He closed his eyes sinking down into a seat at Kalley's small dinning room table. He was confused. How was he supposed to go and face Raphael now? After waking up snuggling close, drowning in that scent of sweet musk like aspen trees. He had his thigh pressed between his brother's legs, even though he was sleeping he had pressed his lips against neck, his arms clinging onto the one that was slumbering soundly with him. The candles in his room had died out only seconds after he found himself admiring each and every curve of the turtle he was so desperately holding onto. He caught himself leaning in, breath mingling as his mind melted away in favor for the body's attraction. Leo had kissed him, sure it was just a small innocent kiss, but it was on the lips, and auburn eyes had fluttered open from the contact. He had made up some sort of excuse, he couldn't remember what it was, probably something absolutely ridiculous. He had panicked, he had fled, and here he was alone with nothing to help him sort out his thoughts but an empty apartment devoid of a friend. Life really was unfair. It throws you a curve ball while the umpire of existence simultaneously steals your bat. Like someone could play fairly that way. Lord he felt sarcastic at the moment- it was probably coming hand in hand with the self loathing from not being able to control himself.

He didn't know what was wrong with him. He was feeling things he couldn't identify, he was doing things he was regretting, he was... He gave a heavy sigh while wadding up Kally's note in his hand and tossing at the wall. He was molesting his brother in his sleep. Wonderful, absolutely wonderful. Maybe he would just stay here for the next few days and figure out what the hell it was he was doing. Maybe being away from the family he could get his head clear of all the cobwebs that he seemed to be swimming around in.

And stay he did. He refused to call, to let them know with his own voice that everything was fine. If he heard any of them then he would break his resolve, go back and apologize. He might even continue to develop deeper feelings towards his hot-headed brother that he knew he should not. So he asked April to tell them for him. She agreed, though she was confused as to why. When she asked all he did was smile and said he needed some time to clear his head.

Day after day he sat at the table, morning after morning he had the same tea -poured into the same cup. He never turned on the radio, never flicked on the tv, he only sat and thought. He thought and thought until he was sure he thought a hole and a half in the ground. And soon enough a whole week went by, then two. It was bordering three when he finally realized that no matter what he did, no matter how many ways he looked at what he had done, he wanted to do it again. He wanted to wake up next to a warm body, he wanted to be able to roll over and play kisses on that strong mouth. It was getting so bad that he was having dreams of going home and crawling under blankets warmed by Raphael's body. It was getting so difficult for him. There were so many emotions that was running through his head that even though he had all this time to himself he wasn't getting any clear answers.

That was when the sound of wood sliding caught his ears. Looking over, he got to his feet, ready in a stance to pull out a sword if need be. Perhaps it was one of Kally's attackers, coming back waiting for the police to calm down about the incident before coming back to finish the job? Maybe it was- He swallowed hard, the sound seeming loud in his ears as he watched Raphael pull himself in. He couldn't move when those fiery dark eyes focused on him with a glare.

"You've got a lot of explanin' to do Leo," was all he said.

The leader felt his heart flutter from the scrutinizing gaze. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't look him in the eye. Leonardo, simply put, felt naked; vulnerable. He rubbed at his arms turning around trying to find his voice.

"What do you mean?"

Was that sad excuse of a croak his voice? Why was he so nervous?

"Huh," the sound came out like a sarcastic laugh. "So... you tellin' me, that me wakin' up to you takin' advantage of me while I was asleep is not important enough to remember. You comin' here, and hiding away so I can't get the chance to talk to ya about that is okay. It's okay because you don't owe me an explanation. Because it's okay because you did it and its okay because you can get any turtle you want. Is that it?"

"What?!" Leo spun around flabbergasted, "No! Raph, that's not it."

"Then what is it Leo?"

"I-" How was he supposed to word this? How was he supposed to just go and tell him everything while still retaining what little respect he has with the turtle that was standing there with arms folded? Simple, he couldn't. "I..." He closed his mouth. Was he scared? Yes, he could identify that feeling. He had it before a few times when it came to dire situations, but this fear was different. What was he scared of? Was he scared that Raph would laugh at him? Did he believe that it was a high possibility that his brother would just call him crazy? What if Raphael was just disgusted and wanted nothing to do with him after he told him the truth? To many questions with no answers; answers he could get but was afraid of receiving.

"Leo," his brother grunted out, shoulders sagging as a deep breath was exhaled in a sound of frustration. "I won't get angry. I just... want to know why you did it, is all."

"I..." his throat felt unusually dry. He tried clearing his throat to get the cotton like feeling out, it was a little better but still remained. He fidgeted, fingers playing with each other as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. The sound of the grandfather clock ticked away the seconds that felt like years. While one waited patiently the other wanted to just make a break for it. Run as fast as he could so he would not have to face any of this. But it was right here, he had to, there was no where to hide, no where to run, there was only here where it felt too hot and the air too thick. "I don't know why I did it..." he finally admitted in a soft voice.

"You... don't know why..." Raphael looked skeptical.

"I just woke up and... and I was holding onto you so tightly and... and I couldn't help myself, I just..."

There was that smothering silence once more, the kind that felt like it could snuff out a life. It lasted for a while until it was broke by the deep voice of the taller of the two, "So, if you were sharing a bed with -say- Donnie, then you would have done the same thing?"

"No, I mean, maybe. I mean- I..." Leo sighed, slumping heavily into the chair he was standing next to. The dam he had built around his emotions was already cracked, might as well just break it down all the way, "I don't know. Honestly, I don't think I would. I mean, Don's great and all, but he smells like motor oil and burnt wires most the time, and Mikey is like a walking carnival food vender. But you, you smell... nice and some times it gets into my head that you smell a little too nice and I find myself moving closer to you with out realizing it. I know I pick fights with you and try to apply the rules to you more because I don't like seeing you get hurt. Of course I don't like seeing Don or Mike hurt but you- I've got this thing where I just get angry and I can't think right and I just want to shout and yell and hurt something. And the things you say hurt more, the things you do tick me off more, and when you give in and finally just calm down enough to give me some positive attention I practically wallow in it and it's dirty I know, you can laugh, go ahead, and if you think I'm sick then just leave."

He gave a deep sigh, face sinking into hands. There, it was all out in the open. He wasn't as much of a controlled leader as everyone thought he was. He was just as confused as anyone else when it came to life and having not been able to say even the simplest things was making his head hurt. Admitting these things though, that was different, it felt as if several years have been shaved off of his life. He felt old and tired.

"Why would I laugh?"

Huh?

"You know... you kind of ran yourself into a few circles there, but I got the gist. You ain't sick, you're limited. I've seen you check out women on tv before, you ain't gay. And I can kind of see how you think it's dirty but you gotta think with a wider view, or whatever," Raphael hand unfolded one hand holding it out as he talked showing that he was loosening up and that he had not taken offense to anything spoken unto him. "It's natural, we're teenagers, we're turtles, and what's worse is that we're the only four of our kind. Of course you'll start to fantasize about one of your brothers. It's bound to happen sooner or later."

"You're... starting to sound like Donnie," he mumbled through his hands.

"Well one of us should at least try to listen to him when he's givin' those lectures. Your not crazy Leo, and you ain't sick, it's just the way things are."

Tawny eyes lifted from palms, daring a look-see. It almost felt like Raphael wasn't there at all, like it was Donatello talking to him using Raphael's voice. He was being calm and understanding, and even -dare he say it- logical.

"So... what do I do?"

"Why are you askin' me?"

"You seem to have all the answers now. Don't tell me that you have suddenly run dry."

The emerald turtle scratched the side of his head. He never did pay attention long enough to find out what to do when something like this would happen. Donnie might have said something along the lines of "just let it run its course" or "act normal". Acting normal he could do, but just letting it run its course?

"Um... well... I guess, what do you feel like doin'?"

"You don't want to know that."

"Leo, just tell me."

The forest-green turtle licked his dry lips, gaze darting to the side, "An other kiss."

To Be Continued...