She had an overwhelming desire to see her son. Sam turned over in bed and tried desperately to get comfortable, taking care not to move her aching leg or arm too much. The doctors had minimized the painkiller due to her pregnancy, which Sam was grateful for even as the pain kept her awake.
All night she'd had little snippets of Danny running through her mind…a bright toothless smile behind a stud muffin pacifier…screams of laughter as she chased him around the penthouse…splash-filled bath time that left them both wet…his first solid foods that had them both covered in smashed carrots.
The little bits of memories ran on loops, each one accompanied by emotions so powerfully strong that Sam felt as though she was experiencing them in the moment. Her son was a happy kid and he was surrounded by love - she felt it in every single memory of them together. She felt like his mother!
She wanted to see him, wanted to hold him in her arms…but she was afraid of hurting him too. What if he got scared when she couldn't remember everything, even with him right in front of her? She could never risk harming her little miracle but missed him unlike anything she could recall.
Lifting herself suddenly from the pillow in response to a lightbulb going off in her head, she reached for the phone on the nightstand. A phonecall couldn't hurt. She still knew the number to the penthouse.
Sam listened to the ringing on the other end, sending a silent prayer she was right and not about to scar her child. Her child…she smiled at the thought…oh, my God she was finally a mother!
"Hello?"
"Hey, Molly."
"Sam! Hey…are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine - I just really wanted to hear Danny's voice - is he up to talking to me?"
"Are you kidding? He'd love that, Sam but he's not up yet. I'd wake him but he was tossing and turning all night, kept waking up crying…can we call you back when he wakes up?"
"Why's he not sleeping well? What's the matter?"
"He's worried that he hasn't seen you in days - this is the first time since you got him back that you've been apart like this. He's not handling very well."
"Since I got him back?"
"Long story…I'll fill you in later when I come see you."
"Can you bring him when you come today?"
Molly paused for just a moment, "Are you up for that? It won't be too much?"
"No way - I've been dying to see him. Please bring him with you - he doesn't have to be here long - I just want to see him for myself." Sam choked up when she thought what a miracle baby he really was. She couldn't wait to see and hold him.
"Okay, we'll see you soon. Do you need anything?"
Sam started to shake her head then remembered her sister couldn't see her. "No, I'm fine. I'll see you guys later."
The next couple hours couldn't have dragged on any slower for Sam. She was uncomfortable and cranky and hungry, refusing the slop the hospital was trying to pass off as food.
"Good news! We can let you out of here as early as this afternoon - what do you think about that?"
Sam lit up at Kelly Lee's statement upon entering her room. The doctor walked over to her bed and smiled, "Both you and the baby are doing great, so there's no reason for us to keep you here any longer."
Sam was sitting up in her bed with the pillows propped to support her and Nurse Amy had placed another beneath her injured leg during her rounds before shift end. She threw her head back for a second before exclaiming, "Thank you, thank you! I've been losing my mind in this place!"
Chuckling, Kelly told her, "I figured as much - you never could take being in the hospital for long."
"No offense, Kelly but I can't stand being cooped up in here."
"None taken. I do want you to take it easy though - no going back to work for awhile, and I need you to keep your leg elevated and immobilized, change the bandage on your arm daily, and I'll see you back for a checkup in a couple weeks."
Sam sighed and dropped her arms on the bed at her side. "Done, done, and done!"
"What'd I miss?" Alexis came through the open door with coffee cups in both hands. She stopped next to Kelly, who smiled welcome.
"I was just springing Sam from this place."
"Really - so soon?" Alexis glanced at her daughter then back to Kelly, "Is that wise - will the baby be okay?"
"Baby is doing great, the followup ultrasound this morning shows no signs of distress, the heartbeat is rapid and steadfast - everything looks good. As long as mom keeps her stress levels under control and takes it easy for awhile, both she and baby will be fine." She smiled again at her patient, "Do you have any questions for me?"
"Just one - what time's checkout?"
Laughingly Kelly told her, "We're waiting on the latest x-rays for your leg and the nurse is getting your release papers together. Couple more hours, tops."
Alexis handed her daughter a cup of tea and smiled at Kelly, "Thank you. I'll make sure she follows doctor's orders."
Sam looked at her mother gratefully. Their relationship was still pretty new to her but it was getting stronger everyday. Alexis was tough - she proved that she was someone who could be relied upon, and even though there'd been some bumps along the road for them, Sam was learning to trust her. She would accept her help until she could get around on her own again.
"What orders are those?"
Again all eyes turned to the door to see the newcomer. Jason stepped in hesitantly, uncertain of how welcome his presence would be, but certain that he couldn't stay away.
"I'm releasing Sam today, so you'll be able to take her home. Make sure she stays off her leg and absolutely no strain or stress." Kelly turned back towards Sam, "I'll go check on those final results. See you in a little bit."
She left the room and Jason asked his wife, the relief and happiness marbling his voice, "You're coming home?"
"Not to your home, if that's what you mean."
"Sam, it's where you live. The penthouse has always been your home."
"Not always, Jason." Sam looked to Alexis, "I've been living with him this whole time?"
"Well…not exactly." Alexis was at a loss as to how much information she could handle all at once and she really wasn't sure what exactly she'd heard so far. She glanced at Jason furtively before she continued, "You and Danny moved back into the penthouse a few years ago…J-Jason's been…elsewhere for awhile."
"Sam, it's okay. You and Danny can stay at the penthouse, I'll just keep living at the loft until you're ready for me to come home again." He cut off Alexis before she got into detail about him dying. The situation was stressful enough without Sam having to relive years in mere minutes.
Alexis nodded, looking at Jason. "That sounds like a good compromise." She turned to her daughter, "The girls have been staying at the penthouse with Danny the last few days and they plan to stay with you until you get back on your feet."
Jason watched the mother and daughter and an immense sense of loss took hold of him. Just a few nights before, he'd been with his wife celebrating their love and officially moving back in together, getting their marriage back on track - now he was back to being an outcast virtual stranger to the love of his life. Fuck!
Sam couldn't miss the tortured expression in his crystal blue eyes. "How's Danny?" She chose to neglect the odd little pang in her heart at his sadness. Jason Morgan's feelings were no longer her concern.
Jason smirk-smiled at the mention of their son like he always did. "He misses you." He walked closer to the bed and laid a paperbag on the tray table before holding his phone out to her. "He sent you a message."
She smiled when he pressed play and the little blonde imp popped into view. He was sitting at the table holding a spoonful of cereal on the edge of a bowl, his scowl dampening the morning sun outside the window behind him, with his short curls glistening against its backdrop. His beautiful blue eyes accented a cute light blue collared shirt, and Sam felt her heart thump at the sight of him, as she watched him beat the bowl listlessly with the spoon.
Sam laughed when he perked up the moment the sound of Jason's voice could be heard telling him he was recording his message. He looked tired but his sweet voice was energetic as it brought a soothing balm to her aching heart.
"Hi Momma. I miss you. Daddy said you hurt your head like he did, and your leg too. Don't worry, me and Daddy will take care of you…I'll get everything for you so you don't have to move okay, and Daddy will make you soup." He looked behind the camera and asked, "Daddy will you make Momma her favorite chocolate chip pancakes too?"
"Of course, Buddy. Anything she wants, I promise."
"Okay, don't forget to give Momma my present." Then he looked back into the camera and smiled again, "Love you Momma, see you soon. Byyye!"
Jason held a card out to her, "He must've reminded me five times not to forget this. Said he wants you to read it before he and Aunt Molly get here later."
Sam took the card showing a humongous heart on the front, and opened it up to crayon scribble on the inside front page that read, Love you this much. The opposite inside page had the identical scribble with INFINITY in huge multicolored crayon letters and more hearts all around it.
Her eyes blurred instantly and Sam held the card to her chest and blubbered, "I can see Molly helping him with this one. He's the sweetest little boy ever!" She turned teary eyes to Jason and asked, "He's really mine?"
Nodding and smiling through glossing eyes, Jason replied, "Yes, Sam…he's all ours!"
She looked at the card again and laughed through her tears, rubbing her belly as she eased back into the pillows. "I guess some things have certainly changed, huh?"
"We're luckier than you know, baby!"
For one very charged moment, Alexis wished she was someplace else as she watched her daughter bask in the glory of motherhood and her husband bask in the glory of her. She was just about to offer them some privacy when Sam snapped the moment back into focus.
Wiping the tears from her cheeks she told him, "You can go back to your life, Jason. I've got Alexis here, she'll take me home…don't let me keep you from whatever or whomever, you have to do."
She might as well have slapped him in the face, the sting couldn't have been any smarter if she had.
"Sam, Alexis will need help to get you home. I'll never be too far away from you, but don't worry, as soon as you get settled in I'll make myself scarce."
He rubbed the tense ache in the back of his neck, "And just so we're clear, nobody and nothing is more important to me than my family! You, Danny and our baby are my life!"
He hadn't meant for his voice to sound snippy but when it came out that way he grabbed onto the annoyance and held it for a minute. He knew that in the past he'd given her reason to doubt and distrust him, but it really stung that at this stage in their relationship it was still all she expected from him. He was as annoyed with her for saying it as he was with himself for having ever given her reason to feel that way.
"You don't have to snap at me, and we'll be fine. I kicked your nurse out last night so I'm sure she ran to your arms in tears, seeking the comfort you're always more than willing to give. Don't let me keep you from your obligations."
Alexis' discomfort skyrocketed and she started backing towards the door. "I'm ah, going to check on those papers, Sam - I'll be back!" She was out the door before the next bomb could drop.
"Sam, I live for one woman and one woman only, and that's my wife! I don't care what anybody else needs right now - all I care about is getting you well again and back home with our children."
"My, my - what could've happened to cause this drastic change in the cosmos? You, not being first in line to dry her crocodile tears and be her first line of defense against big, bad me and the rest of the hateful world out to get her? Wow, I missed one hell of a freeze, didn't I?"
The cold, detached tone in her voice slapped him again and sent his guilt roaring into the stratosphere. Until that very moment he never truly appreciated how she saw what he'd categorized as the defense of a friend, as an affront and stance against her. He'd never knowingly sided with anyone against her, except maybe after the incident with the kidnapping and then again with the hired thugs, but even then he was protecting innocent children and trying to make her see what damage her actions could've done.
She'd been so blinded by anger and revenge that she wasn't thinking clearly, but he'd also been blind to how out of character she was acting. Still, he'd never knowingly put the nurse or any other woman above her - never! Despite how misguided some things she did appeared then, he knew her heart, knew she would hate herself if something she set in motion caused harm to someone else, especially a child! Everything he did and said to her was as much in protection of her as it was those babies. But he also knew that he'd gone too far, with the most hateful words he'd ever used to her.
"Sam, I know you're angry with me and I know that I gave you reason to be, in the past…but you would have never married me if you hadn't forgiven my stupidity. We built something really solid together - I'm just asking you to give me a chance to show you. Please! Stop shutting me out…I just want the chance to reintroduce you to us."
He watched the disbelief set on her face and he had to keep trying to chip away at the stone wall she was erecting.
"Baby, you won't believe how fucking great we are together!"
Jason's voice trembled and Sam was floored with the intensity of the words that hit her like a gavel to the heart. Something about the way in which he said that pulled at her so strongly that it left her breathless for a minute - the part of her that had always been his for the taking responding intensely, despite her stubborn will to defy it.
She could almost believe it. Afterall, they had been pretty fucking great before! If somehow they had chosen to go another round it stood to reason that they could burn a hole in the ozone with how hot they'd make it together, but she couldn't cut past the anger to want to see them in any other light.
"Why should I trust you, Jason? Why would I believe that you suddenly have my best interest at heart, when you turned your back on everything we'd been to each other for someone who hadn't give you a second thought before we decided on a life together?"
She watched him flinch and knew her words had imparted the impacted blow she fully intended. She wasn't done.
"You turned your back on the promises we made to each other, the sacrifices and the love we shared - for a lying, deceitful tart who batted her eyes at you and dangled the child you'd promised me, like a carrot on a string to get you to leave me. You shut down on the life we planned for years, turned to ice before my very eyes and treated me like I didn't exist…like the love and everything we had between us was only a figment of my imagination…why in God's name would I ever trust you again?"
Shit, shit, shit - his world was spiraling out! He could feel her pulling farther and farther away and the looming threat of losing her forever robbed his ability to breathe!
"Sam, nothing could ever erase everything that happened between you and me, ever! I know that I fucked up when I allowed my love for Jake to wipe out all else - I know that I should have created a balance to deal with everything better, and I hate myself for every lousy, hateful thing I said to you back then." His voice trembled and a sudden, tearful glob was clogging his throat, but he had to reach her! He was fighting for his life!
"I should have handled it better, I should have trusted you…nothing you ever did ever made me believe that I couldn't trust you with knowing I was his father. I was such a fucking idiot, baby!"
His body wracked with the emotions that had been building up in him for days. "You were everything to me for so long and I never wanted anything as much as I wanted a child with you, I swear! You've never done anything but stand by me, defended me to anyone, loved me even when I didn't love myself. You deserved better - I know you did, and I had every intention of giving you everything, knowing full well it could never be enough. But then all the bullshit unleashed on us and I couldn't give you the one thing you'd ever asked me for, the one thing we both wanted more than anything in this world. I took your chance to be a mother, and I hated myself for it - hated myself even more when I accidentally got that woman pregnant."
His feet starting moving him around her room in circles, his hands shaking obliviously at his side as he rambled on, so out of character to her.
"But I couldn't change it, Sam. The baby was coming and he deserved my love and protection. He deserved for me to give him a home and a life, it was my duty as his father. I had to protect him - even from the one person I loved most in the world, Sam. I know I didn't handle your breakdown well at all, but I was reeling from everything going on around me too, and the one person in this whole entire world who would understand and make it better for me, was the one I destroyed by creating a life away from. I didn't have you - my strength, to turn to! Without you I had no center, no unwavering support - I didn't know how to handle it, Sam! I made shit up as I went and every move turned out to be the wrong one, every answer turned into a new disaster and took me further and further away from you, my center of gravity! Without you I practically stopped existing and I didn't even see it!"
His cheek felt damp and Jason was surprised to find his hand wet when it swiped the spot. It didn't matter, he was fighting for his life! He neared her bed and held her still angry gaze with his desperate one.
"I know that I hurt you in ways that are unforgivable, and you have every right to never forgive me, but baby you did! Somehow you were able to reach into that humongous heart of yours and find the space to let me in again, and I've lived for it since, Sam. I will never hurt you like that ever again! I don't care what I have to do or how much time I have to give you - I'm never going anywhere again…not without you!"
