The following morning, Thomas awoke with a sense of determination. He was still no closer to figuring out what Jimmy had meant, and the feeling of hope that Jimmy might feel the same way was increasing. He knew it was all in his imagination, but he couldn't help hoping.
Even though, deep down, he knew it would never happen.
Thomas ran through the plan in his mind as he washed and dressed. He would have to be sure to sit near Jimmy at breakfast, as it was highly likely that Jimmy wouldn't want to talk to him, and this would probably be Thomas's only chance. In fact, Jimmy was probably sitting in his room or the servant's hall now, making plans on how he could avoid Thomas.
Not this time, Thomas thought grimly.
Jimmy was already seated at the table when Thomas entered the servant's hall. As usual, Alfred was blathering away to him about Ivy, which Jimmy was obviously ignoring. How Alfred could genuinely think Jimmy was interested in what he had to say was a mystery, Thomas thought wryly. Jimmy wasn't even looking at the second footman; he was peering around the room, wearing a faint frown.
"Good morning," said Thomas airily as he slid into a seat next to Jimmy.
Jimmy mumbled something inaudible, before turning away from Thomas and focusing on Alfred for the first time since Thomas had entered the room. Alfred himself still appeared annoyed after Thomas's comment yesterday and steadfastly ignored him.
"Jimmy, can we talk later?"
Jimmy turned round to face Thomas once more, clearly having anticipated this happening. His face showed no alarm; instead his expression was one of weary acceptance.
"I'm quite busy today," he said, nudging Alfred, who was craning his neck to try and catch sight of Ivy through in the kitchen. "We have a lot to do today, don't we Alfred?"
"No," Alfred replied blankly, looking puzzled.
Thomas fought back a triumphant smile as Jimmy gritted his teeth.
"Well, I have a lot to do even if he doesn't," he said with a disdainful glare at Alfred before he turned back to face Thomas. Thomas had to supress a smile – typical Jimmy. He never lost an opportunity to put Alfred down, although Thomas suspected it was all due to low self-esteem rather than spite. "I'm first footman, after all."
"I'm sure you'll be able to spare a few minutes to talk to me," said Thomas pointedly.
Jimmy sighed, obviously knowing when he was beaten. "Fine," he said grudgingly. "But I can't talk for long."
Thomas shrugged. "That's fine with me."
Inwardly, he was rejoicing. Hopefully, they would finally be able to talk, properly talk.
Xxx
"So what's this about?" said Jimmy grumpily. He had completely disappeared after breakfast, and, between doing duties of his own, it had taken Thomas a while to find him. He had eventually caught sight of him standing in the kitchen on his own, and had wasted no time in approaching him and stating simply, "we need to talk. Now."
Jimmy nodded, barely suppressing a sigh, before following him unwillingly from the kitchen and into the nearest corridor. Thomas was extremely thankful that there weren't many people about – the last thing he wanted was to arouse any suspicion about him and Jimmy.
"I think you know what this is about," Thomas replied calmly. "Tell me what you meant yesterday."
"Nothing!" said Jimmy at once. "I didn't mean anything!"
"I think you did," said Thomas quietly.
"I didn't!" Jimmy protested.
Thomas sighed wearily. "Of course you did Jimmy. I'm not as gullible as you seem to think I am. I'm simply asking you what it is you were trying to tell me."
Jimmy shrugged helplessly. "Thomas, I really didn't mean anything by what I said-"
Thomas could already foresee that it was going to take a very long time to convince Jimmy to tell him what it was he had meant. He gritted his teeth in frustration. "Jimmy, you are being ridiculous-"
"Exactly how am I being ridiculous?" Jimmy's voice began to rise slightly. "I didn't mean any-"
"Of course you meant something – you told me that if I thought about it, I'd work out what you meant!" Thomas snapped, his feelings of impatience increasing. "And I can tell you Jimmy, that I've thought long and hard about what you said, and I'm still no closer to working out why you've been bloody avoiding me!"
That's not quite true; you do have a theory…
Shut up Thomas - stop wishing for something to happen that never will! You know it won't, don't get your hopes up…
Unfortunately, however many times he told himself to stop hoping that Jimmy had meant…that, the more hopeful he felt.
"Err, are you alright, you look a bit flushed…" Jimmy's voice trailed off as he eyed Thomas anxiously.
"Fine," Thomas replied dismissively, pushing his ridiculous thoughts away.
Because that's what they are, ridiculous.
"Anyway," said Thomas, pulling himself together, "are you going to tell me what you meant?" His voice was dripping with sarcasm.
"No," said Jimmy simply. "Because I didn't mean anything."
Thomas glared at him, his insides burning with anger and frustration. "Well, if you want to be a coward and-"
"I am not being a coward!" Jimmy snarled. "I don't have anything to tell you-"
"Stop saying that!" Thomas exploded. "I'm not going to believe you, however many times you try and tell me you didn't mean anything. Please just tell me what you meant."
Jimmy stared at the ground. "I…have you honestly not worked it out yet?"
Thomas shook his head, feeling his heart begin to thump. If it was supposed to be easy to work out, he could be right…
No, he told himself firmly. You're not, and you know that deep down.
"It's hard for me to just tell you outright what it is," said Jimmy, his voice shaking slightly.
Thomas narrowed his eyes. "So you did mean to tell me something?"
Jimmy's shoulders sagged in defeat. He gave a quick jerk of the head, apparently unable to speak out loud.
"Then tell me what you meant!" Thomas exclaimed.
Jimmy shook his head helplessly. "I pretty much have!"
"You may think that you have told me, but I still don't know what you meant," said Thomas in a steady voice.
Jimmy swallowed and raised his head slightly. His blue eyes were full of…fear? Thomas stepped forward and (rather awkwardly) squeezed Jimmy's shoulder in what was supposed to be a comforting gesture. He felt the muscles under his hand stiffen, but surprisingly Jimmy didn't move away.
"Jimmy, whatever this is, I won't judge you," he told the younger man softly. "Please tell me what's wrong."
"I will," Jimmy mumbled. "Just give me a minute to think."
The two men stood in silence until Thomas couldn't bear it any longer. "Jimmy?" he said hesitantly.
"We…we should be getting back to work now," said Jimmy quickly, looking at Thomas almost pleadingly.
"No," said Thomas firmly. "Neither of us is particularly busy at this time of day, and this should only take a few minutes. So don't try and use that excuse on me again."
Jimmy bit his lip. "I told you yesterday that, after we made friends, I soon began to like you a lot," he began hesitantly. "I liked you more than I had thought I would. And, as I said yesterday, my…feelings towards you began to change."
Thomas nodded. Hearing Jimmy saying this all out loud brought the feelings of hope flooding back. He took a deep breath, cursing his stupid imagination, and focused on what Jimmy was saying.
"I started pushing you away because-" Jimmy broke off, a frown beginning to form on his face. "Do you really have no idea what it is I'm trying to say?"
Thomas shook his head. "It…it sounds as though you started pushing me away because you liked being my friend more than you thought you would, but that makes no sense."
Jimmy sighed. "No, that makes no sense at all. And it most certainly isn't the reason."
"I didn't think it would be," said Thomas sheepishly.
Jimmy opened his mouth to reply but was interrupted by Mrs Hughes, who came hurrying down the corridor. She stopped short when she caught sight of them.
"Don't you have work to be doing, James?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.
Thomas ground his teeth in frustration, his new-found liking for Mrs Hughes disappearing at once as Jimmy hurried past her, mumbling apologies.
"Mr Barrow, I would imagine that you have work to be getting on with as well," said Mrs Hughes, fixing him with a stern but kind eye.
"Yes," Thomas replied quickly. "Sorry, we were just talking-"
"You aren't in any trouble," said Mrs Hughes, smiling at him so warmly that Thomas felt his anger melting. "Just don't let me catch you talking again when you have work to be doing."
"You won't," Thomas assured her. He returned the smile and headed down the corridor after Jimmy.
Unfortunately, as the day passed, it proved impossible to get hold of Jimmy which put Thomas in a foul mood. The anger burned inside him like fire all day, making it almost impossible to focus on his work. To be so close to finally learning what was wrong with Jimmy and to have him forced to leave at the last minute was incredibly frustrating, to say the least. He snapped at anyone who addressed him, and by the end of the day the staff all seemed to have got the message that he didn't want to talk to anybody and left him well alone.
This came as a relief to Thomas, however, he still hadn't calmed down when the evening arrived and the time came when the staff usually began retiring to bed. He wasn't sure how he was ever going to be able to get to sleep when the anger and frustration continued to simmer inside him.
"Thomas? Can we talk?"
Thomas glanced round sharply, having just stood up to leave and go to bed. "Wha-"
The word died on his lips as he realised that it was Jimmy standing there. He had to blink a few times to check his eyes weren't deceiving him. Jimmy had actually come up to him to have a conversation? Thomas could hardly remember the last time that had happened, especially as he had thought that, after today, Jimmy would increase his efforts even more into avoiding him, if that was possible.
"Can we talk?" Jimmy repeated.
"Yes, of course!" said Thomas hoarsely. It suddenly struck him that they were not alone in the servant's hall, and he turned to look at Jimmy. "We can go outside to talk."
Jimmy nodded and they made their way outside in silence. Thomas's feeling of nerves increased with every step he took. He found that he couldn't pluck up the courage to even look at Jimmy, who was striding along next to him, his head down.
As soon as they were safely out of the house, Thomas broke the silence.
"So what do you want to talk to me about, Jimmy?" He wished it wasn't summer; he could see Jimmy's face through the dusk and he would have much preferred not to be able to see him through the dark. If it was winter, it would be dark already, he thought wistfully.
"I wanted to talk to you about earlier," said Jimmy, replying swiftly and without the hint of a tremor in his voice. "I want to tell you what I would have told you before, if Mrs Hughes hadn't interrupted."
Thomas stared at him in shock, wondering if he had misheard. "You…you're actually going to tell me?"
"Yes," Jimmy replied firmly. "I can't keep putting it off."
"But what's brought this on?" Thomas asked faintly, his head in a whirl. "You were terrified just a few hours ago-"
"I was not!" said Jimmy indignantly.
Thomas rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say. But seriously Jimmy, what has brought this on?"
"I've been thinking about it all day," Jimmy began hesitantly, "and I realise how pointless it is to keep trying to put it off."
"You're right there!" said Thomas feverishly.
Jimmy smiled faintly. "Anyway, I've spent the rest of today preparing myself for what I'm going to say, and I'm ready to tell you now." He took a deep breath. "You see, my feelings begun to change for you the longer we were friends, and they developed into…something more. I'm sure you can work out what I mean when I say that. I guess I.." He swallowed. "I fell in love with you." The last sentence was said in a rush, the words tumbling out, one on top of the other.
The world seemed to spin. Thomas wondered fleetingly if Jimmy would be able to hear his heart thumping. He could feel the hope starting to rise in his chest again, and he took a couple of deep gasps of air, suddenly feeling faint.
"Thomas?" He could feel a hand gripping his arm, steadying him. "Thomas, are you alright?"
"Fine," Thomas managed to croak.
Had Jimmy really just said what he had thought he said?
"I didn't mean to alarm you," he heard Jimmy say anxiously.
Thomas shook his head feverishly, opening his eyes which he was barely aware had been closed. "I'm fine, it's just a…shock, that's all. But a nice shock," he added hastily.
Jimmy smiled weakly. "It cost me a lot to say that."
Thomas ran a hand across his damp brow. There were so many emotions tumbling through him; it was hard to distinguish what they all were. "But if you…" He swallowed. "If you loved me, why did you go out of your way to avoid me?"
Jimmy was silent for a long time. Thomas was beginning to wonder if he was ever going to answer when Jimmy burst out; "I was scared!"
"Scared?" Thomas repeated blankly.
"Scared of my feelings towards you – I had to try and come to terms with the fact that I was, well…" Jimmy's voice trailed off as he searched for a suitable phrase. "Not attracted to woman."
"That makes sense now," Thomas replied quietly. "When I think about what you've just said, I can see why you would try and avoid me."
"Yes!" Jimmy sounded both relieved and delighted that Thomas had accepted his reason why he had avoided him. "I thought that if I stayed away from you, my…attraction to you would fade. But it didn't, obviously."
Thomas felt his knees weaken slightly as Jimmy said the words, "attraction to you." He had dreamed of this kind of thing ever since he had met the younger man. He smiled at Jimmy and slid a hand through his. He wanted to talk to him, to tell him just how much he loved him, but he couldn't gather the words together to say anything remotely intelligible.
"I'm glad you told me," he managed to say hoarsely. "Very glad."
Jimmy laughed nervously. He was slowly leaning in closer, closer and closer until he reached a shaking hand up and threaded it through Thomas's hair. Thomas's heart felt as though it was going to explode with joy as he closed the remaining distance between them and pressed his lips against Jimmy's.
Jimmy was tentative and cautious, but Thomas didn't care. The fact that he was actually kissing Jimmy, who seemed enthusiastic about it, if rather inexperienced, was enough to satisfy him for life.
Well, for now, Thomas thought dazedly as Jimmy eventually pulled back from him, panting slightly.
"Are we-" Thomas stammered, all sense of pride and dignity forgotten as he tried to stop himself from crying out of pure happiness.
"Yes," Jimmy replied quietly. "If you want."
Thomas laughed shakily. "Of course I do!"
A wide smile spread across Jimmy's face. Without replying, he pressed his lips to Thomas's once more.
As Thomas reached up a hand to caress Jimmy's blond hair, he wondered if he had ever felt so happy before in his life.
A/N: I'm sorry for the terrible kissing scene – I've always been awful at writing things like that! In case anyone is wondering how many more chapters there is going to be in this story, there's only going to be two or three chapters left. That's what I'm thinking now, anyway. I'm already planning ANOTHER Thomas/Jimmy multi chaptered fic, I'm really obsessed with them right now!
I hope you liked this chapter anyway – as always, thank you to everyone who has reviewed this fic! Reviews always motivate me, and I'm so grateful to know what people think about my work :)
