Chapter 8: The Shady Alliance


Shu

Zhuge Liang: Huff…..

Zhao Yun and Fa Zheng: becomes completely lifeless

Zhuge Liang: ….well? Hello? Hey, HEY! snaps fingers

Zhao Yun and Fa Zheng: ….oh, hey, OH! AH! What, what happened?!

Zhuge Liang: Well…it's…this…remember?

Zhao Yun and Fa Zheng: WAAAAAHHHH! GET, GET THAT THING AWAY FROM US! WAAAAAHHHH!

Zhuge Liang: Oh, ehm, okay. But still, this will be important in finding the cure for this gay plague, so just bear with it.

Zhao Yun and Fa Zheng: Guhh…

Zhuge Liang: Okay, so let's analyze this thing once aga- WHAAAAAAA! MY EYESSSSSS!

Zhao Yun: AH!

Zhuge Liang: Argh…fuck it man, not even I can bear to read this to even analyze it!

Fa Zheng: But really, what can we analyze anymore, anyway?

Zhuge Liang: Well, maybe if we can find anything interesting in it so that we know how a page of a yaoi doujinshis could cause this gay plague….oh, right! whistles

Robo-Jiang Wei: You called for me?

Zhuge Liang: Well, of course I did, idiot! Here, analyze this for me, and report anything interesting!

Robo-Jiang Wei: Understood. scans the paper Sir, I've completed the analysis.

Zhuge Liang: Really? Gee, that was fast. And that's coming from me! Haha! I'm so genius I miscalculated my own intelligence!

Fa Zheng: Sigh…facepalms There he goes again….

Robo-Jiang Wei: First, the truth is that Xu Shu and-

Zhuge Liang: Well, well, okay, let's just skip 'those' unnecessary details. Just, just what did you find interesting besides 'that'?

Robo-Jiang Wei: At the right-bottom corner of the paper, there's a logo in the form of a middle finger with the text, 'HDFA'.

Zhao Yun: 'HDFA'? What's that?

Zhuge Liang: I don't know myself…

Fa Zheng: Hmm…hey! Maybe this is some sort of a corporation who produces this bullshit and spread it all over the country to infect all of it's citizens with a gay plague?

Zhao Yun: GASP! A conspiracy! I knew it!

Zhuge Liang: Yeah, well that could be possible, but it's still too early to make any assumptions, mainly because we still don't know what this 'HDFA' is supposed to be and whether they actually caused this gay plague or not. Any other interesting stuff you found?

Robo-Jiang Wei: Yes, sir. At the behind, there are bunch of strange symbols and scribbles on it.

Zhuge Liang: Hm? Let me see….hm?

Zhao Yun: What is this? Some sort of a…mysterious language?

Fa Zheng: Like an alien language? Heh, now I'm suspicious that all of this is really a part of one big conspiracy by the aliens to-

Zhuge Liang: I told you, there's no such thing as aliens. Hmm…now, I've mastered many, many languages available in this country, but I've never encountered a language such as this before.

Zhao Yun: What could it possibly say?

Zhuge Liang: How am I supposed to know? We don't even know what language is this yet.

Fa Zheng: Sigh...really, by the time we're finished the entire Shu will probably be infected, and, well…we're fucked. Figuratively AND literally.

Zhuge Liang: Now, now, just calm down, okay! Look, I'm the Sleeping Dragon! In the novel I could just pretty much pull something new out of my ass every single time a problem occurs, and you two have already seen what I've pulled! It's alright, we can do this.

Zhao Yun: Is that so? Then, about Wuzhang Plains-

Zhuge Liang: Well, that one…if, if it wasn't for the goddamn HEAVENS I probably would have won, okay!

Fa Zheng: Pffftttt.

Zhuge Liang: And you! You always have something against me!

Fa Zheng: Well yes, I do! Seriously, all of those stunts you pulled in the novel are bullshit. No wonder many people dislike Shu nowadays, even after my addition!

Zhuge Liang: But-

Fa Zheng: But hey, I suppose I should be thankful in this fic because the Author hates you and will make sure that you actually have PROBLEMS in solving a problem. Good fucking luck for that.

Zhuge Liang: What the-

Zhao Yun: Um…guys? Seriously, shouldn't we be solving this case instead of bickering about Zhuge Liang's awesomeness?

Zhuge Liang: Yeah, yeah, he's got a point! I've said it once, and I'll say it again: just accept the fact that you can't be as awesome as me.

Fa Zheng: Pfftttt. Yeah, yeah, whatever you say. I give up.


Jin

Sima Shi: Excuse me, but what the fuck?! No, seriously, just WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!

Sima Yi: Beats me! Wha…how the hell could something like THAT be even found here?!

Jia Chong: You guys can't even handle something as puny as this? Pfft.

Sima Shi: WHAT?!

Sima Yi: What the…you, you mean you find stuff like this NORMAL?!

Jia Chong: Yeah. I mean, we already stuff like this everyday. There's no need to go completely crazy over it.

Sima Shi: What the hell?! I mean, you saw that. YOU SAW THAT!

Jia Chong: Yeah, yeah, I know, but it's really not that bad…and besides, I found one interesting thing right here. points at the right corner of the paper

Sima Yi: What is that? Huh? A middle finger? And…'HDFA'? What is that?

Sima Shi: Some sort of an organization? An association, perhaps?

Sima Yi: Hmmm…HDFA. I think I've actually heard this name before…

Jia Chong: You have?

Sima Yi: Yeah. Perhaps I heard it from Chunhua? Hrmh…

Sima Shi: Mom? She knows about this?

Sima Yi: Perhaps. Hm, maybe we can ask her about this.

Jia Chong: Hmm…oh, sir. There are also this.

Sima Yi: Hm? Huh? What are all these strange symbols?

Sima Shi: Maybe a sort of a strange language? Alien language?

Sima Yi: Not aliens! Hrmh…now this is weird indeed…across my lifetime I have never encountered a language like this!

Jia Chong: Perhaps your wife knows about this as well?

Sima Yi: Maybe. Okay, we've been spending too much time in this lab. Let's go and ask my wife about this.


Wei

Xiahou Dun: Ummm….hey?

Jia Xu: What?

Xiahou Dun: You sure that's the right place to cut his head open?

Jia Xu: Really?

Xiahou Dun: I don't know, perhaps you should be a bit more down there.

Jia Xu: You mean here? Nah, that's a bad spot.

Xiahou Dun: Errr…

Jia Xu: C'mon, don't worry. And besides, you don't have a place for arguing since you only have one e-

Zhang He: suddenly breaking in WAAAAAHHHHHH!

Jia Xu: cuts at the wrong place due to shock, causing fountains of blood to spurt out YEOW!

Zhang He: WAAAAAHHH! GUYS, BAD NEWS- WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! BLOOD! BLOOD-

Xiahou Dun: For the love of GOD, what's your fucking problem?! AND STOP SCREAMING!

Zhang He: A-aaahhh! I'm….I'm sorry! It's just...it's just now the gay plague has spread onto EVERYONE in this kingdom!

Jia Xu and Xiahou Dun: WHAT?!

Xiahou Dun: Every…one?!

Zhang He: Y-yes! I am currently being chased by Cao Pi right now….

Xiahou Dun: Cao Pi?! Wait, I thought he was…

Jia Xu: Oh my god….just, just how far we've been in this lab, again?

Xiahou Dun: I don't know, perhaps only a couple of hours?

Jia Xu: Tch, things are going downhill real quickly. Alright, I'm gonna finish up this business first! Zhang He! Make sure no one of those gays break through the lab!

Zhang He: A-ah! Alright!

Jia Xu: Fuck, with all this blood this fic can almost turn into Souten Kouro, but anyway…WHOA!

Xiahou Dun: AH! What, what is it?

Jia Xu: Here. Turns out that cloud of mist is now covering this part of his brain.

Xiahou Dun: What the? How is that even possible?

Jia Xu: Just about as possible as mist turning someone gay. Anyways, we can now analyze this mist and see what it really is. Hmm….

Xiahou Dun: …so?

Jia Xu: ….ah? I see! This mist…this mist is actually not mist!

Xiahou Dun: What? Not mist?

Jia Xu: Yeah! Just look at it here!

Xiahou Dun: Hmm…this is really weird, indeed! We thought it's a normal white mist, but it turns out to be actually black!

Jia Xu: Uhh…dude, you used your wrong eye.

Xiahou Dun: What? Oh! Right, I forgot. Hmm…huh, you're right!

Jia Xu: See? I'd say that this 'mist' is actually a bunch of paper particles spread out onto the air.

Xiahou Dun: Well, that just makes all of this even weirder. How the hell can particles of paper turn someone gay?

Jia Xu: And that's what we will find out. But, sigh…not sure how long we will last until those gays will completely overrun the kingdom…


Wu

Zhou Yu: Okay. Hrmf….

Sun Quan: Hrm….AHHHH!

Zhou Yu: GRKLH! WHAT?!

Sun Quan: You….you sure that's the right place to cut?

Zhou Yu: Just trust me on this. Hrmf, okay….

Sun Quan: ….AAAHHH! AHHH! WAITTT!

Zhou Yu: ARGH! WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?!

Sun Quan: Arh…I'm…I'm just worried that you'll make the wrong move…

Zhou Yu: Good lord! Just stop bitching and let me handle this, okay! Okay, here we go….WOAH!

Sun Quan: WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Zhou Yu: Damn…I should've known that cutting it there will cause a fountain of blood to spurt out, but it's okay. Hmmm….huh?

Sun Jian: So…how is it?

Zhou Yu: Huh…so this is one weird case indeed! Look at it here…turns out that mist has clouded his brain!

Sun Quan: Huh?! How did the mist that he INHALED somehow go to his BRAIN?!

Zhou Yu: Beats me. Oh well, maybe we'll just have to analyze the mist to find out what is it. Hmm….wait, what?

Sun Jian: What? What is it?

Zhou Yu: I see….look at it here!

Zhou Yu: This mist….this mist is actually not mist at all! Rather, it's actually a bunch of shredded paper!

Sun Jian: Shredded paper?! How the hell could it turn someone gay?!

Zhou Yu: Yeah. Maybe it's magic? Or even cursed? Hmm…

Sun Quan: …wait, I think I've heard about this before.

Zhou Yu: You have?

Sun Quan: Yeah. I don't know, but I kinda heard one day about a conspiracy theory, involving the 'HDFA', and how they employ 'brainwashing papers'.

Sun Jian: Whoa! Holy shit! Suddenly this 'HDFA' feels more dangerous than Wei and Shu combined…

Zhou Yu: Where did you hear that?

Sun Quan: If I'm not mistaken, I heard it from Lianshi gossiping with other girls…

Zhou Yu: ….wait a minute! Wait…what if ALL OF THIS were caused by the females?!

The Two Suns: What?!

Sun Quan: You serious?! Why would they do such thing?

Sun Jian: Yeah, but considering their suspicious activities…

Zhou Yu: Now, it's too early to jump into conclusions, but since they're the ones whom you mentioned to be somewhat associated, perhaps we can ask your wife for information.

Sun Quan: Ah, yes, good point.

Zhou Yu: Well, it's settled. Let's go.

Sun Jian: But wait…what about those two? points at Lu Su and Lu Xun

Zhou Yu: We'll leave them be so that they won't break loose. Let's just go!


Meanwhile…

While the gay plague madness is stirring around, we see a mysterious figure carefully avoiding the whole mess and going to a secret entrance hidden somewhere within the Shu palace, which leads to an underground entrance. When the figure enters an underground room which has the girls from every other kingdom, it was revealed to be….

Yueying: …sorry I'm late.

Zhang Chunhua: Oh! So here is our final member.

Zhenji: Why did you come so late?

Yueying: I'm sorry, there was a bit of mess going on, what with my husband attempting to throw me out in the mist and all…

Wang Yi: He did that to you?!

Xingcai: Well, thank god this mist doesn't affect us girls…

Sun Shangxiang: Alright girls, listen up. So how is the progress in your respective kingdoms?

Wang Yi: In Wei, it's affected only 3 people….

Zhang Chunhua: Well, it's only 2 here.

Yueying: 5.

Diaochan: 2.

Sun Shangxiang: In Wu, 4. Hrmh, our progress is a bit slow. Especially in Wei, Jin, and Other. Listen, we've already spent so many resources here. We can't fail now!

Guan Yinping: Um, just asking…just what are we exactly trying to do here, again?

Lianshi: You've forgotten?

Sun Shangxiang: Well, I'll just explain it again. Our goal here, is to make ALL the guys in this land, gay.

Guan Yinping: Huh? Why would we ever do that? Besides, most of us are already our spouses, right?

Zhurong: Because, well…

Wang Yi: Well, look it here. Yes, some of them are already married to most of us. But they practically ALWAYS treat us as no more than trophy wives!

Zhenji: Exactly. I'm so sick of being treated as mere clingy-waifu to my husband! I actually still remember the time when I used to be, you know, cool AND bitchy, instead of just being bitchy!

Sun Shangxiang: You thought that was bad, huh? And, even worse, sometimes they practically just pretend THAT WE DON'T EXIST AT ALL!

Xingcai: And then they will proceed to become more affectionate with other males instead! Like, what the fuck, man?!

Zhang Chunhua: And this is precisely why we want to exact our revenge toward them!

Bao Sanniang: Yeah! We're gonna actually turn them gay for real, and see how they like it!

Xiaoqiao: And, well, beside, isn't watching them 'doing it' fun as well?!

All girls: WHOOOO!

Yueying: Oh…heheh, yeah….now I remember why I refused to join this at first…

Sun Shangxiang: Well, that means that the mist we made using the shredded yaoi doujinshis we had is still not enough. We need more! Cai Wenji!

Cai Wenji: Eh, uhm…yes?

Sun Shangxiang: You need to search for more yaoi doujinshis to shred and spread across the country!

Cai Wenji: Understood.

Daqiao: Um, hey, I think we have bad news.

Sun Shangxiang: What?

Daqiao: It seems that the remaining straight males have discovered what caused the gay plague, and are now working to find a way to cure it.

All girls: WHAT?!

Lianshi: Oh, no! This is bad!

Bao Sanniang: What should we do?!

Sun Shangxiang: Oh, ehm….

Xingcai: I personally think we shouldn't be too worried.

All girls: Huh? Why?

Xingcai: After all, even if they did manage to find the cure, the mist outside will obviously take a long time to subside, and with that they're effectively stuck.

Zhenji: Hmhm…she's got a good point.

Wang Yi: Hmmm….hey, I have an idea.

.

.

.

All girls: ….oooh! A great plan!

Sun Shangxiang: Hahaha…good, good! With this plan, no one can ever stop the 'Han Dynasty Fujoshi Association', now! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

To Be Continued…


Whew! Almost finished! Please leave a review and have a good day!