CHAPTER 8

Stella was cold. Cold, tired and thirsty. She draped a blanket around her shoulders and carefully snuck out of the bed so as not to wake Ray. She laughed at the ridiculous noise he made as he slept, not quite snoring, more slurping, or was that snuffling? God she loved this man. She never thought life could be like this, she never realised that the right man was out there for her somewhere and yet here he was, snuffling. He put up with so much from her, she knew she wasn't the easiest person to get along with, she knew she had all of these issues that some stupid therapist would probably have a field day with, but she was who she was and she wasn't about to change.

When she was still married to Ray, he'd tried so hard to please her, he tried to make her happy and to start with he did make her happy, he really did. His boundless energy and his openness had been like a breath of fresh air after her somewhat stifled childhood and she'd loved it. She'd loved him. They'd go dancing, or out for a drive at midnight. Anywhere, it didn't matter where, they were young and in love and they didn't have any reason to think it wouldn't be like this forever, but things changed. No, she changed, she corrected herself and Ray...well, Ray really didn't change at all, that was the problem. He stayed the same as he was when they first met, exactly the same, except maybe he became a little sadder every time she did or said something that hurt him. She hadn't wanted to hurt him, she really hadn't, but at the time she didn't realise what she was doing and she hadn't realised what a mess they were in. If only they'd realised sooner, maybe it would have been less painful, maybe it wouldn't have left such deep open wounds for so long. It was so good to see him again though and something had happened the other day that she'd wanted for so long. He'd held her and everything was alright now, it was over and they were at peace with each other. She still loved him, always will, but they'd both moved on. She had a new man now, a new Ray and how ironic was that, she laughed to herself. This time it was forever though. No more mistakes, no more regrets.

Stella wandered out into the kitchen to get a glass of water, still lost in her thoughts. She shivered as the cool air penetrated the blanket and the three layers she was wearing underneath and brushed her skin. How can anyone live up here, she thought. Fraser had been a fish out of water in Chicago and now she finally understood why. She filled a glass with water and sipped it slowly and thought about Sarah. She was such a bright girl and yet life was just passing her by living up here. Sarah reminded her so much of herself at that age, the drive, the determination to succeed, to break away from the limitations of her childhood, all those weekends at the Country Club, all that time wasted. As soon as she had the chance she grabbed life by the horns and did something with her life. Sarah had that chance now, life had dealt her such a cruel blow, but she seemed determined not to let it stop her. If anything it had made her even more determined. Stella admired her courage.

She was heading back to bed to drink the rest of her water, when she heard a noise. She screwed up her nose as if somehow that would help her work out what it was. Diefenbaker padded out and she jumped at the movement in the shadows. "Oh it's you," she said, her heart pounding. Then she rolled her eyes, now she was talking to the wolf. Maybe that's what happens to you if you stay in this place too long. Dief muzzled against her leg and yapped quietly. "What?" she snapped. "Are you hungry or something?" Dief walked a few paces away from her, turned and then walked back to her, repeating the muzzling and yapping. "Oh I get it," Stella laughed to herself, "I've seen Lassie movies. OK, I'll follow you." She walked behind Dief and he led her to the back door. The she realised it was open. No wonder it's so cold in here, she shivered. Then she heard the noise again. It was Sarah. She was standing outside, dressed in her pyjamas, looking up at the stars and weeping. Stella's heart sank. She hesitated, thought about going to wake Helen and Fraser, but then Dief yapped and it was too late, Sarah was aware of their presence. She turned around sharply and looked devastated when she realised it was Stella standing there.

"I'm OK," she whimpered, trying to force a smile.

"Good lord, look at you," Stella frowned, taking the blanket from around her own shoulders and throwing it over the shivering girl. "You're not OK. Come inside and get back into bed. It's the middle of the night."

Sarah allowed herself to be manoeuvred back inside and back to the bed Fraser had squeezed into the tiny back room for her. Stella held back the covers and Sarah climbed in. Dief jumped on the bed and Sarah was grateful for the extra warmth.

"I just needed some air," Sarah's teeth chattered as she spoke.

"What were you trying to prove?" asked Stella sharply, "that you were tough? That you don't need to be warm like everyone else? I'm freezing and I'm wearing two layers of thermals under here."

Sarah laughed. "It's not that cold," she said and Stella laughed too.

"I live in Florida," she reminded her. "This is one hell of a shock to the system!"

"What's it like in Florida?" asked Sarah and Stella told her about their home there, about the beautiful beaches, the everglades, the theme parks they'd taken Ray's nieces and nephews to so many times. "Sounds great," smiled Sarah, finally starting to warm up.

"It's OK, better than Chicago anyway. Too many tourists for my liking, but you just have to know the right places to go to avoid them," explained Stella. "I shouldn't complain really, half our business comes from tourists."

"The bowling alley?" questioned Sarah and Stella nodded. "Why did you open a bowling alley?" she asked. "You're a lawyer, why didn't you just go be a lawyer in Florida?"

Stella sighed. "Honestly, I have no idea." She laughed now. "The opportunity just came up and we took it. I had to get away from Chicago and Ray needed something after his forced retirement from the Police. I think he would have done anything to keep busy after that. He had family in Florida so we went there and we saw the bowling alley for sale and Ray had his invalidity pension payout so he bought it. It was good for us, for both of us. We worked hard to get that place off the ground, it was a dump when we bought it. Now its a huge leisure facility, we worked hard and we've got something good to show for it."

"I hate bowling," Sarah announced. "I went once and it was boring."

Stella looked serious. "I'll let you into a secret," she said, "I hate bowling too."

The two of them laughed so loud that Diefenbaker jumped off the bed. Then suddenly Sarah wasn't laughing any more and she slumped backwards, letting out a groan. "My head," she said, clutching at her forehead with both hands.

Stella was immediately concerned. Sarah's breathing had become shallow and rapid. "I'll get Helen," she said and rushed out of the room.

xXx

Helen stepped out of the backroom and slung her stethoscope around her neck. A concerned Fraser leapt up from the sofa. "How is she?" he asked.

"She's fine," Helen replied. "She has a migraine. She was outside for about twenty minutes we think, plus she's not eating properly, it's not surprising. I gave her some meds, she needs to sleep it off."

"Is Stella still with her?" asked Fraser.

Helen nodded. "Sarah asked her to stay until she was asleep."

"Oh dear," mumbled Fraser.

"Stella didn't look that happy about it," noted Helen, "She's really trying though, for Sarah's sake. I admire her for that."

"Stella is not one to turn down a challenge," Fraser pointed out.

"She's doing fine," Helen smiled, "I think she's really helping, Sarah needs someone like that, she needs that focus right now."

"What's happened?" Ray appeared, staggering towards them and rubbing sleep from his eyes. "Stella's gone? What's going on?"

"I'm terribly sorry if we disturbed you Ray, but Stella is fine," Fraser explained, "she's sitting with Sarah who has been taken unwell." Ray, who had woken up properly now, looked concerned.

"She just has a migraine," smiled Helen, "she'll be fine in a few hours."

"I'll make some tea," Fraser headed towards the kitchen and Helen and Ray sat and talked a little about Carol-Ann Chester. Helen was acutely aware that her responsibilities as a doctor were in danger of conflicting with the investigation. There was a murderer on the loose, a cop killer and of course he had to be caught and brought to justice, but it was very difficult for Helen to decide where the line was between that and doctor patient confidentiality surrounding the situation of Carol-Ann's abusive husband. If Derek Chester had been abusing his wife and it was quite clear to Helen that he had, that didn't automatically mean he was guilty of killing Constable Malling. She'd talked to Ben about it earlier in bed, but before they'd come to any real conclusions she'd fallen asleep with her head resting on his chest, her favourite way to fall asleep.

Fraser returned with the tea. Ray turned his nose up. "You can't drink coffee at this hour Ray," Fraser pointed out. Ray begrudgingly accepted tea and took a few sips, just as Stella came out of the other room.

"She feels like she's going to puke," Stella announced, her screwed up face clearly displaying her thoughts, "is there a bowl I can take to her?"

Fraser and Helen leapt up at the same time, but Fraser put his hand on Helen's shoulder. "No, I'll deal with this," he said, "you should finish your tea and go back to bed. I have something that will help with her nausea." Before Helen had time to protest Fraser had kissed her on her forehead, found a suitable receptacle and a small bottle of something or other from the cupboard and was leading Stella back to Sarah's room. Helen watched him go with a smile on her face. He'd only had as much sleep as she had, but he was still totally alert, whereas she could barely keep her eyes open, even though her mind was racing. She laughed as he closed the door behind him, he was wearing those ridiculous red longjohns again. She complained about them all the time but he insisted that they were very practical sleepwear. God he looked good in them, but she was never going to tell him that of course and it was always fun taking them off, although it did take a frustratingly long time sometimes.

"Earth to Helen," Ray's broad grin stretched across his face as he watched her eyes follow Fraser. He knew that look and it was different from the look that every other woman gave the Mountie. Love and lust, two totally different things.

"Sorry," Helen blushed as she pushed those thoughts from her head.

"So what's in that magic potion that Benny's gonna give to Sarah?" asked Ray, draining the last of the tea form his cup.

"I have no idea," admitted Helen. "I've learnt to trust the natural remedies he uses. I used to be sceptical, but they work and once you actually analyse the ingredients and their known properties then it makes perfect sense. They're still pharmaceutical products, just like the ones I use every day."

Ray shrugged. She was probably right. "Does he, um, does he still get back pain?" Ray asked quietly. Fraser might be distracted in another room, but he still had that super-Mountie hearing. "Does he have an Inuit remedy for that?"

Helen nodded. "His back does give him a few problems," she confirmed. "He tries to hide it from me, but I'm a doctor...and I love him." She sighed. Ben could be the most frustrating man in the world, but he was the man she loved and she knew what he was really like under the facade. She knew what he was really capable of, that he was a beautifully sensitive and emotional man beneath all that self control. She'd first seen it when they first met, when she was going through a really difficult time and Fraser and Ray Kowalski had walked into her world. Love had quickly grown out of friendship and she felt safe with him, she felt secure and she was a better person for having Benton Fraser in her life.

"I can never..." Ray began, hanging his head, but his voice trailed off. Helen narrowed her eyes. He'd obviously been about to say something, but thought better of it. Ray lifted his head and looked at her. "I wish..." he began, but the words dried up again.

Helen could tell that something was worrying Ray, but she'd quickly realised that he wasn't a man to discuss his feelings very easily. "Talk to me," she smiled supportively.

Ray took a deep breath. "I think about it every day," he began, "about...I shot him, in the back...I assume you know all about that. I mean, you must've noticed the scar."

"Yes," Helen confirmed, of course she knew all about what had happened, but she wasn't sure why Ray had brought it up now. "You know, he says you saved his life that day."

"I nearly killed him!" Ray exclaimed, then nervously looked towards the door. Benny must have heard that, he thought. He lowered his voice again. "I shouldn't have let it get that far, I should have taken better care of him. As soon as we figured out what she was trying to do, I should have...I don't know, protected him from her."

"What could you have done apart from lock him up? He would have hated you for that?" asked Helen. "He made his own choices Ray, bad ones from what I understand. You were the only one who stood by him, the only one who tried to help when everyone else had turned against him."

"She did something to him Helen," Ray almost spat out the words. He hated talking about Victoria Metcalfe. "I don't understand it, he changed, she brainwashed him or something."

"Brainwashed? Are you sure?" she asked incredulously. "The way he tells it I think he was just in love."

Ray baulked at that statement. In love? Well, yes of course he was, he realised that at the time, but hearing Helen say it like that... He should have done more, he should have killed her before things got so far out of hand. He imagined his hands around her neck, squeezing the life out of her...Jesus, what the hell am I thinking? I spent way too much time undercover, I saw too many things, forced myself to turn a blind eye to so much just so as I didn't blow my cover. It was for the greater good, that's what those clowns at the FBI kept telling him. It was OK, they told him, let them kill each other, that's how they operate, keep looking at the bigger picture. He did good, they told him, the information he gave them, the things he was able to do from the inside...he saved lives, a lot of innocent lives. There were people out there now going about their business and bringing up their kids without having to be scared any more because of the things he did to bring down that whole section of the mob. If he'd crossed paths with Victoria while he was still Armando Langoustini, he would have killed her then, he felt sure of it and that thought scared the hell out of him.

"Ray?" Helen's voice was gentle and her and rested over his. "I think you should talk to Ben about this." She'd noticed his eyes glistening and it concerned her. Ben became very emotional of course whenever the subject of Victoria came up, although these days he seemed to be more at peace with everything that had happened.

Ray shook his head and wiped his eyes. "Tired eyes," he mumbled, but he knew he hadn't fooled her. "I don't want to drag it all up again," he said, "we moved on from all that."

"But you haven't really moved on at all have you," Helen smiled.

"There's a constant reminder," Ray noted, "every time he flinches in pain, every time he does that godawful clicking thing with his spine..."

"Ray," Helen suddenly realised where all this had come from, "his back pain is muscular," she explained. "Too many years of throwing himself down ravines, or out of windows, it's not your fault." She squeezed his arm.

"But I thought the bullet..." Ray shuddered as he remembered pulling that trigger, the next few minutes were etched permanently in his memory. "It's still there, isn't it?"

Helen sighed. "Yes it is, I wish he'd have the surgery. I don't understand why he's being so stubborn about it?"

"Wait, what surgery?" Ray panicked now. "He needs surgery?"

"No, it's not like that, it's not serious...but, he didn't tell you?" Helen asked, shocked. Ray shook his head, slightly stunned. "He told me he was going to tell you. He...he lied to me?" Helen couldn't believe it.

Ray thought for a moment. "When?" he asked, "what exactly did he say to you?"

Helen closed her eyes. "A few weeks ago, before he called you one evening. We'd just got home from the appointment and I asked him if he was going to tell you about it and he said he would."

"Did he specifically say he was going to tell me during that particular phonecall?" Ray asked. "What were his exact words?"

Helen smiled then and visibly relaxed. "I guess he didn't say that exactly, he said he was going to tell you, he didn't give me specifics."

Ray smiled too. That sounded like Benny. "Then one day I'm sure he will tell me all about it." Helen nodded. "But I can't wait that long," Ray's face was serious again. "Why does he need surgery, has the bullet shifted? I read that could happen and he could end up paralysed."

"It's OK Ray," Helen spoke reassuringly, "it's nothing like that." She took a deep breath, Ben was probably going to be mad with her for discussing it with his friend, but it was his fault for misleading her like that. "Actually there are two surgeries I want him to have. The first one is the scar tissue," she explained, "there's so much of it, deep too and he really would notice the benefits of some work on that. I recommended laser surgery, but he wouldn't hear of it. He called it 'cosmetic surgery' and said it was unnecessary."

Ray felt sick at the thought of what his bullet had done to Fraser's body. He hadn't seen the scar for years, he hoped that it was less angry looking now, that it had faded at least a little, he wondered what Helen thought every time she had to look at it. Would he let her touch it he wondered? She could never really understand, no one could, only he and Benny really knew...and they couldn't even talk about it to each other. He wanted to so badly, he wanted to say he was sorry, but that would never be enough so maybe it was better if he said nothing at all.

Ray was puzzled as Helen suddenly got up and went to a drawer, rummaging to the bottom and returning with a large brown envelope. She hesitated and then opened it, pulling something out. "X-Rays," she announced and flicked on a table lamp. She held up one of the flimsy films and the light shone through it, lighting the fuzzy white shapes. Ray had no idea what he was looking at. "This is the one they took the day it happened," she explained. Suddenly Ray noticed the date stamp around the edge. Had it really been that long? It was as clear in his mind as if it had happened yesterday. "There's the bullet," Helen pointed to the area.

Ray could easily make that out, the shape was unmistakable and he nodded slowly. She went on to describe some of the other anatomical details, but it all went over his head. He was just concentrating on the bullet. There it is, he thought, that's my bullet, the bullet from my gun, the one I put there. I shot Benny, he nearly died...

"I made him go and have these done a couple of months back," Helen continued, "it took some persuading and I really thought...I thought he'd agree to the surgery, but I now I think he only went because I insisted." Helen picked up the other X-Ray as she spoke. "Look, it hasn't moved at all and five years ago no surgeon would have wanted to attempt to remove it, but things have moved so fast in the field and I know a guy, I interned under him in Vancouver, he's an excellent spinal surgeon, the best there is and I know he could take this out. Ben won't hear a word of it though. He doesn't want it removed? I don't understand?"

Ray sighed and shook his head. He didn't understand it either, but then he and Benny had never talked about it, not really and so Ray had no real idea what he thought about any of it. So Benny thinks that bullet saved his life does he? Ray couldn't understand that at all.

xXx

"Is she asleep now?" Stella whispered.

Fraser gently brushed a few strands of stray hair from Sarah's face. "Yes," he confirmed, keeping his voice low. "She should feel a lot better in the morning."

Stella nodded. She'd felt compelled to hold the girl's hand while she drifted off to sleep and now, for some reason, she didn't want to let it go. "She looks so young now she's sleeping," Stella smiled. Even in the dappled moonlight Sarah looked like a different person to the troubled teenager she'd got to know over the last few days. "I might stay here for a while," added Stella, quietly, "just in case she wakes again."

"I can stay if you'd prefer to return to bed," Fraser offered, but he knew she'd refuse.

"It's fine, I'll stay," Stella replied with determination. Fraser nodded and found another blanket in the closet. He draped it round Stella's shoulders. "Thanks," said Stella. "Fraser," she began as Fraser headed for the door. He turned back with his eyebrows raised questioningly. "It doesn't matter," Stella finished. She wasn't really sure what she was thinking anyway, it was late and she was tired, she was sure she'd feel differently in the morning. She turned her attentions back to Sarah.

Fraser was puzzled. He stood for a moment, contemplating asking her if there was anything wrong, but she was quite difficult to read and he wasn't sure whether she'd appreciate him pushing her to open up to him. This really wasn't an appropriate time anyway. "I'll suggest to Ray that he go back to bed," he said. Stella nodded and he left the room.

Helen heard the quiet click of the door and panicked. She grabbed the X-Rays and sat on them, just as Fraser appeared. "Hi," she squeaked. Ray had to stifle a laugh, it was kind of childish, but on the other hand he completely understood why she'd done it.

Unfortunately for Helen and Ray, Fraser was always fully alert, even in the early hours of the morning. He frowned. "Is everything alright?" he asked, looking from Helen to Ray.

"How's Sarah?" asked Ray, deliberately trying to deflect his question.

Fraser wasn't fooled. His eyes were drawn to the brown envelope lying on the table, he instantly recognised it and his blood ran cold. Helen knew she was in trouble. Fraser took a moment to assess the scene, he realised that Helen was sitting rather awkwardly and saw the crumpled corner of one of his X-Rays sticking out from under her thigh. Helen glanced at Ray.

"Benny," Ray began, but Fraser held up his hand to stop him talking. He still had his eyes trained on Helen. Strong, intense, she'd never really seen that look in his eyes before, it scared her.

He reached out and snatched the X-Rays from under her and shoved them roughly back into the envelope, still silent. Helen wanted to speak, but she didn't know what to say. Instead Fraser spoke, his voice was low and controlled. "You had no right," he said. He didn't know what he wanted her to say, maybe nothing, he couldn't think of anything she could say that would make him feel any better right now. He felt betrayed, betrayed by the woman he loved. He had no idea how to deal with that.

"Ben, I...I'm sorry..." Helen fought back tears. She knew he'd be upset with her if he found out that she'd talked to Ray, or anyone, about this, but she hadn't expected he'd react quite this badly.

"Come on Benny," Ray tried to diffuse the situation, "she thought I already knew about it. I made her tell me."

"Stay out of this Ray," Fraser warned him, briefly breaking eye contact with Helen to speak to him. Then he turned his attentions back to her. "You took an oath and this..." he angrily slammed the envelope down on the table, "...this is a blatant disregard for that. This is my private medical information and the only people who have the right to discuss it are my doctors and myself."

Helen couldn't hold back her tears any longer. Ray was stunned. Fraser had made her cry, how could he? Was all this so important to him that he'd risk what he had here with Helen? "That's enough Benny," Ray grabbed his arm. He wasn't going let Benny screw up his new life because of his bullet. Why was he acting like this? Why didn't he want the surgery? Ray couldn't understand. Why would he want that inside of him, reminding him of everything that had happened after all this time, it was as if he didn't want to forget, but surely he wasn't still in love with Victoria? He wished he could just talk to Benny about this, why was it so hard for them, he loved Benny like his own brother, more than his own brother and yet this one thing was always there, they'd danced round it for years, they had to do something about it and soon, before it tore all of their lives apart.

Fraser shook himself free. "It's not the first time is it," Fraser's intense stare was breaking Helen's heart now, "your patients trust you and you think nothing of breaking that trust." Now he was just saying things to hurt her.

"Ben...please..." Helen sobbed. Fraser was losing control, he closed his eyes and tried to breathe, he felt like something was crushing his chest. He had to go, he had to get out of here. Without saying another word, he went to the front door, pulled on his boots and heavy coat and went walking out into the freezing night.

Helen broke down in Ray's arms. "Ssshhh," he tried to soothe her, "he'll calm down." He hoped he was right, but from the look on Benny's face, Ray wasn't sure what to think.

"I don't understand," Helen wept, "this isn't about the bullet, he said you saved his life with that bullet? It's her isn't it...Victoria...what did she do to him Ray? What did she do?"