If anything at all, Kuvira felt dry after Korra left. Like there was no way her body could produce more tears. Or, as if Korra's moment of comfort was just the medicine she needed.
Medicine: something that would temporary numb the symptoms, just long enough for Kuvira to forget the pain even existed before barraging her again.
She wouldn't let that happen. She'd come too far, and in the moments after Korra left, when she looked at the scars on her wrists, she could imagine what kind of beautiful mess she could make if she actually cut herself the right way, or how they'd look paired with ligature marks if she found a way to hang herself. She refused to sink back into that darkness she entered the prison with, that she felt when Su refused to give Kuvira a real talk. Baatar would not be the end of her. Korra had taken a major risk in comforting her, probably defying Lin's orders not to return to Kuvira's cell, so now Kuvira had to be there, alive and ticking for Korra during her next visit.
She took a deep breath, re-braided her hair, securing it into the back of her shirt without any hair ties, removed her shoes, and started to dance. Nothing too advanced at first, just getting light on her feet again. She added in the full positions, and soon she was moving across the room, all her old moves returning. It slowed down her brain for the first time in what must've been months. She had stopped dancing a little while before the annexation of Yi, when the re-education camps started popping up. Dance required discipline, sure, but it felt too frivolous, even if her free time.
She could still remember the last recital she'd been a part of. Korra had watched the rehearsal, and Kuvira had to miss a few subsequent rehearsals because her job as captain of the guard had gotten in the way. But, the recital had gone off without a hitch, and allowed Kuvira to forget the horrors she'd directly and indirectly experienced during the insurrection of the Red Lotus. In those few hours, Queen Hou-Ting, as horrible as she was, hadn't had the air sucked out of her lungs by a murderous anarchist, the Earth Kingdom wasn't being eaten alive by criminals and chaos, and she wasn't forced to hunker down in Zaofu's stronghold. The night was about art, and Baatar—
No, this had nothing to do with Baatar. She took a deep breath and banished the thought away. She didn't dance for Baatar; she danced for herself.
If only she had some music. Then, she could fully escape.
As she danced, the cell's door opened, and a guard appeared.
"Against the wall," he said. "I'm taking out the trash."
Kuvira had begun to learn that the guards would come inside her cell and clean up while she slept, but their difference in timing wasn't that unusual. Besides, the floor was littered in tearstained paper now, and nowhere to properly store them.
Kuvira stopped dancing and moved against the nearest wall, facing away from the guard. "Is Chief Beifong in?"
"Yes."
"Could you ask her if I could speak to her?"
"Sure."
The guard picked up the crumpled letters, stuffed them into a bag, and walked out. For effect, Kuvira looked right at the mirror. To her surprise, Lin actually opened the cell door and closed it behind her.
"You have two options: tell me you're feeling suicidal again or that your letter revealed Baatar Jr.'s plans to escape my sister's daycare and you were compelled to talk to me," Lin said.
"I was wondering what I'd have to do to get a radio in here."
"There's no way to get you one without metal, so the answer is there's no way."
Kuvira knew that Lin had witnessed her mental breakdown, so there was some truth to that sarcastic suicide comment. "Music would be therapeutic at this point. Aren't other prisoners granted the same luxuries? I was paying attention during this tour. I have every amenity of the prisoners in the general population except access to the radio."
"General population isn't made up of metal bending war criminals. I can't get you one."
"Didn't Varrick manufacture plastic radios some years back?"
"It has metallic parts within, and it would need batteries or to be plugged in, neither of which would be available to you."
Kuvira sighed. "What about something else? A music box, or a metronome."
Lin shook her head. "Why am I even listening to this? You're a war criminal, and you should be grateful that we didn't keep you in the wooden cage or made your sentence life."
Kuvira crossed her arms and raised a brow. "So Baatar gets free reign to roam Suyin's house with all its luxuries, but I can't even get a music box?" She paused. "I know you were unhappy when Baatar got off easy."
Lin huffed. "I'll ask the prison if they've got something in storage."
Calling Lin's bluff had worked; she actually did care about Kuvira's mental state. She didn't plan to manipulate it, but she was excited at the thought of having some form of music.
"Good news! I finally found the Pai Sho board," Korra said as she entered the cell the next week.
Kuvira dug her nose out of the new book she'd been working on and joined Korra at the table.
"Where was it?" Kuvira asked.
Korra rubbed the back of her neck. "It's technically Asami's set, but she's letting me leave it here."
Kuvira quirked a brow. "So, she knows about us?"
"Yeah. I decided to just tell her, and she's mad, but it's…not necessarily at me. I think it's just hard for her to face the idea that the person who killed her father might to not be all evil. Just accepting her dad back into her life wasn't cut and dry, and I think him dying so soon after she decided to forgive him really messed things up for her." Korra glanced up at Kuvira, and started setting up the pieces. "But, on the bright side, it didn't cause a major rift in our relationship and I can still visit you." Korra paused. "How are you?"
Kuvira helped Korra set up the Pai Sho pieces. "Okay. I've been keeping myself distracted. You…being there helped."
"So…I think I've been working off a lot of assumptions. Who wrote the letter?"
"Baatar."
"And…it wasn't good news?"
"He said that it wasn't pragmatic for us to be in a relationship regardless of whether or not he still has unresolved feelings for me. Nothing I can argue with there. What rules are we playing with?"
"Ancient rules. Hundred Year War style. Are you familiar with it? It's how my friends in the Spirit World play, and I standardized the rules while you were in here."
It was strange to think Korra did mountains of more important work outside of these visits.
"I know the rules, but thank you."
They started to play. For all that Korra talked about standardizing the game based on slow, methodical strategy, she made her moves quickly. She couldn't tell if Korra also trying to talk to Kuvira was some method to throw her off her game.
"I always knew Baatar was head over heels for you, but I'll admit, I never got the same vibe from you," Korra said. "I'm not saying you didn't love him just as much, but it really was something private for you, wasn't it?"
Kuvira sighed and made her next move. "Yes. As you've probably figured out, I'm not a very emotional person."
"Well, just know that whatever you're feeling, it's okay to express it, and talk about it if you need to. When Mako and I broke up, I immediately got caught up in Harmonic Convergence and well…there wasn't much time to think about it. But, given more time, losing someone I love is terrible. And, well, you've lost a lot of people recently."
Korra got a harmony off Kuvira's last move. Kuvira was already ahead by a good margin, but this mess up wasn't a good sign. "Like I said, Baatar would've been better off dead for me."
"Come on, it has to give you a little relief to know that he's alive. I'd be pretty happy to know that someone I loved is still alive, even if we have to live separately."
"Maybe that'd be possible if it weren't for the fact that Baatar was the only chance I had that anyone in my life outside of the naively optimistic Avatar would ever care for me the way I care for them for the rest of this lifetime."
Korra paused, her eyes moving away from the Pai Sho board. "So, really, it wasn't about Baatar."
"Both."
Korra made her move. "Was there any signs in the letter that he wanted to keep in touch even if he wasn't going to be your fiancé?"
"Of course he wanted to remain pen-pals, but what use is that connection now? He said it himself: I'm not welcome back in Zaofu and he can't leave Zaofu. What would be the point of writing letters, only to have his family and a new woman rip him from me slowly over the next thirty years? Ceasing contact now is saving myself a load of pain."
"I…don't necessarily think stopping writing to him is a bad idea, but I'm worried that it's an unconscious trigger for you to start regressing. You need people around you who care about you, and well, if Baatar does, maybe it would be good for your healing if you keep in contact. You could grow to not need him."
"I already don't need him. All throughout our relationship, he was the one who needed me." Kuvira exhaled and moved her next piece. "I know I looked bad last week, and I was devastated, but it's more symbolic than anything. I suppose I just…fear what the world will look like when I come out."
"You do have thirty years. Considering how much changed in three years, I wouldn't worry about how things will be in thirty. If anything, the Beifongs have ample time to forgive you."
"And what if they don't? What if I don't want to return to Zaofu when this sentence is over? I lived so much of my life knowing exactly what lied ahead, and staring into the void…" She shook her head. "Baatar was my last tether to my future."
Korra made another sloppy move, but this one seemed especially hasty. "While I was learning to walk again after the Red Lotus insurrection, one of the best things Katara told me was that when we recover from something, we gain strength and insight we would've never found otherwise, and that we don't know what any of our experiences will end up giving us. Back then, it sounded like a whole lot of old lady healer hollow words of encouragement, but then, I sat back and I realized that if it weren't for going through that, I would've never been the compassionate Avatar I am today. I would've never been able to talk you down, opened up that portal, or had the confidence to sit here every week and try to make a difference in your life. And, it handed me something unexpected: Asami. I realized that I loved her while we were away, and she's made me happier than any other partners I've had did."
"Sounds like the happy ending in a children's book. Maybe your life turned around, but your only enemy was yourself; everyone around me hates me."
Korra shook her head. "If anything, everyone around you is waiting to see what kind of person you emerge from this experience as. There are so many people who don't have the grudge-holding ability of Su: Bolin, maybe Baatar, your supporters, everyone who came on that first airship out of Zaofu. You can't automatically assume that they'll hate you when you get out of here. In all honesty, I doubt people will even remember you outside of Republic City, and even they'll forget about the damage you caused when some other wackjob comes around and destroys the city again."
Kuvira raised a brow and smiled a bit. "You think someone else will come along and destroy Republic City again?"
"Well, as the esteemed former chief Toph Beifong once told me that names change, but the people stay the same. Even Aang had more enemies to face after facing Fire Lord Ozai, and that guy was a huge deal. I have no doubt that my job isn't over."
"After what I did you really think people will forget about me?"
Korra smirked. "Don't rub your own ego. Even Princess Azula could roam the streets after she was deemed reasonably sane without people recognizing or fearing her. You'd be able to blend in easily." Korra made her move. "Think about it: Amon's name hasn't been mentioned in years since the Equalist movement, even if bender-non-bender tensions aren't one hundred percent finished, and we don't even know what happened to him. No one talks about Zaheer killing the Earth Queen—"
"Zaheer didn't announce that he killed the Earth Queen."
"Well, then I'll go back to the Amon comment. You know, Amon wasn't his real name. It was Noatak, and for all I know, Noatak escaped and is now living a normal life somewhere in the world. You're the Great Uniter, not Kuvira. I promise, when the time comes, you'll be able to start over. There's nothing to fear." Korra looked up from the board, making eye contact with Kuvira. "If anything, I'll be there for you when you get out of prison. I promise."
Kuvira felt a lump rise in her throat. "You can't guarantee that. You have Asami, and within thirty years you'll have another life: a wife, children, a career. I'd be a hindrance at best, a leech at worst in your life. I could never do that to someone whose shown me such compassion."
Korra sighed. "Sometimes, I think it's my fault that you lost the Beifongs, like if I hadn't let the Earth Queen die, you could've still been Su's protege and be a guard and in that dance troupe and with Baatar Jr. and all his siblings. Even if I don't know how Su treated you, if it was genuine love, at least it was something."
Korra…blamed herself for what happened? Kuvira had left Zaofu, started the campaign, let it get so out of hand…
"No, it wasn't your fault that I became what I was. I made all those decisions, and neither of us knows if I wouldn't have made those decisions some time later." Kuvira paused. "When everyone met up to go to the cave to rescue you, I told Su that I wanted to help save you and the airbenders. She told me to stay with the injured. I was never in family portraits, she never introduced me when she introduced her kids to you—I've always been a second-class member of her household, and the fall of the Earth Queen didn't cause that. Of course my main motivation was to help the Earth Kingdom, but part of the reason I left was to escape Su and find my own path. Don't think of this as some compensation for something you had no stake in." Kuvira looked down at the Pai Sho board. "I won, by the way."
Korra's eyes bugged out as she inspected the game board. "Spirits, you're good at this."
"I'm a military tactician. Want to try again, Avatar?"
Korra set up for another game. "Can I ask you something that's been bothering me for a while?"
"Go ahead."
"When we spoke in the Spirit World, I really was going off on a limb when I said you were afraid and all that abandonment stuff. You seemed so icy and composed before that. Did…something happen when we weren't interacting that sort of put you down that road towards opening up to me? I know facing death can certainly make people more vulnerable, but it felt like it was in the making."
Kuvira exhaled. "The only other time I thought about it since I was a child was in the swamp…"
"You had an experience in there?"
Kuvira nodded. "Not even Baatar knew about it…"
One day in harvesting the spirit vines, and as much as Baatar insisted that he could handle the grunt work, making sure everything stayed stable, Kuvira stayed with him. She liked the lack of commotion of the swamp, liked seeing the progress, and there was something…alluring about the place. She couldn't place it, especially not as a city girl through and through.
"I'm going to go check the place out. See if there's anything else useful in here," Kuvira said to Baatar, still in bed, as she dressed for the day.
"Just be careful, Kuv. Since we're already cutting down the vines around here, don't cut down any more that you encounter. The swamp might prefer to go after an individual instead of all our mechs."
"Alright, no metal knives. I'll be fine." She squeezed his hand. "If I'm honest, I'd be more worried about you right here, in this tent, than I'd be for me if I stumbled onto the other side of the swamp."
She set out, retracting any visible weapons and handling the vines with her hands. She'd left her gloves in the tent, partially to keep them from getting dirty and partially because something felt right about feeling this swamp with her bare skin.
She'd read so many stories about this swamp, ranging from factual accounts of the water benders who lived and thrived in the land and legends of the spirits who inhabited the swamp, angry, terrifying creatures who existed long before the spirit fiasco a few years back. Everyone called this place eerie, creepy, like the entire swamp was alive. Which, scientifically speaking, it was. But, watching those vines try to destroy the mechs had really cemented it for Kuvira: they needed to get in and out of this swamp before it swallowed them whole.
Everything was on schedule, though, so she wasn't worried.
The vines began to thicken, the ground growing more uneven each step she took. There was no room for getting lost in her thoughts with each step risking breaking an ankle or dropping into the oblivion of the swamp. What had once been a bright morning had gone dark under the swamp's shade. She could only hear the buzzing of insects, but she felt like she was hearing something else entirely. Something otherworldly, but in more than just the way occasionally seeing a spirit on the Earth Empire campaign. Whatever controlled the swamp was stronger than that.
She pressed forward, vines thickening and thickening. When she reached a patch she couldn't weave through, couldn't fight through, she gritted her teeth, pulled out her metal knife, and cut down the green in front of her. She winced for just a second, but when the vines fell to the ground and didn't come attack her, she moved forward.
Only to take one step onto air.
It was still dark, the ground was still slick, and Kuvira went sliding down a hill with an unknown gradient and height. She managed to stay on her feet by nothing more than the balance she learned as a dancer and her own willpower, but a sudden stop by a rock tripping up her feet landed her face first onto the floor of mud and rocks. She earthbent as much of the mud off as she could, but the rocks had cut up her hands, face, and neck. The cuts weren't big though, nor bleeding much, so she got back to her feet and kept going.
She didn't know where she was going anymore, but there was some light in the distance—hopefully a break in the vegetation.
She pushed through the mud, forced to take big steps to keep the mud from ruining her uniform any more than it already had, but the light didn't seem to be getting any closer. But, something inside her kept her moving forward.
She broke through into a clearing, losing her footing again and landing in more mud and leaves.
Right in front of her, as young as they'd been the day they asked her to buy a pair of shoes, were her parents.
"Why didn't you come back?" she found herself demanding.
Her parents glared at her. "It's only mud, Kuvira, and you're bleeding?" her dad said.
"You're just as weak as when we left," her mom said.
"No! I'm not weak! I'm—I'm—look at me! I've united the Earth Kingdom. I'm an earth bending and metal bending master. I'm—" Rage suddenly overshadowed the pain. "I'm so much more than you two ever were!"
"Pathetic," they hissed.
"Useless. Weak. Pathetic. We made the right decision when we left you to die."
"I could destroy you both now! You have no idea what—Su was so much—I don't need—I don't—"
"You couldn't even keep pebbles from cutting you to ribbons. You're the worst earth bender is history."
"The worst daughter…"
Kuvira threw two metal bands onto her parents' eyes and ran at them with the knife.
But, all she hit was a set of twin rocks. The knife bent upon impact and Kuvira startled backwards, nearly but not losing her footing.
She focused on the rocks, the reality of what had just happened. The rumors that the swamp caused hallucinations was true. She looked down at her knife and fixed it. She'd still have to fix the cuts when she got…when she got back…
She looked back at those rocks, mind filled with the poison her parents had injected into her body for eight years, and finally collapsed under its weight. It burned as it sloshed through her veins, tears like chemicals in her eyes. She covered her eyes, tears cleaning the caked dirt and blood off her hands in streaks, but nothing made the pain go away. It clutched her from the inside, strangling every organ in her. Her heart seemed to be racing, she felt nauseous, her sight was going blurry, mind drifting away.
"I hope you're looking at what I'm doing and regret every moment you didn't spend in my life!" she screamed out. "I'm doing this because of you! I'm going to take care of my people better than you could've ever wished to do for me!"
She wiped and bent off as much of the blood, tears, and mud off her exposed skin as she could, but the stains on her clothing were not so easily removed. She regained her bearings and returned to Baatar. (By chance was a fair assumption.)
Baatar and her soldiers widened eyes at her appearance.
"Kuvira, are you okay?" Baatar asked. "You're bleeding and, well, filthy."
She knocked some of the mud on her uniform onto his. "I'm fine. Just missed a step."
Everyone watched her as she walked back to her tent, but only Baatar watched until the moment she closed the tent door behind her.
She sat down at her desk and pulled out some first aid supplies and a mirror. She applied the antiseptic, looking at the cuts, but something caught the corner of her eye—a little girl with grime where Kuvira's blood oozed on her face. She blinked a few times, but it was gone. She shook her head, took a deep breath, and returned to applying antiseptic.
At least they'd be out of the swamp soon.
A/N: Alright, this chapter ended up being longer than I expected, and I hope that means it's good. I'll admit, I've been wanting to write a Kuvira-in-the-swamp scene ever since I considered the idea that if it weren't for Nickelodeon being dicks and the clip episode being a normal episode, it would've featured Kuvira struggling in the swamp. So, tell me what you guys think. Do the Korra and Kuvira conversations reveal something new each time or are they getting stale?
