A/N - how did it happen? It's suddenly become an LoTR/HP crossover. Oops. Oh well.
WARNING: Spoilers for OoTP!! If you haven't read it do not even attempt reading this until you've finished all seven hundred-odd pages of OoTP!
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* Are you gone yet if you haven't read it?
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* Too bad now. It's not MY fault you're stupid.
Disclaimer - I own nothing. Nothing at all. Not Remus. Not Legolas. Nothing and no one. How depressing is that?
Chapter Eight
Field Journal Entry #8
- Mary-Sues afflict all worlds, or, as collegue Nuiniachwen put it, canons. (Note: find out exactly what a 'canon' is) S. perfectivilus is not unique only to Middle-Earth, and appear to be a widespread infestation..."So why exactly do you need me for backup?" Legolas persisted when Nuiniachwen paused in her lecture on the responsibilities of SAG members.
"To catch the Mary-Sues, get them back to Earth, and de-Sueify them," repeated Nuiniachwen yet again.
"But you know so much more about it. Surely you could hold a Mary-Sue against their will by yourself?"
"I might, but I'd need a stun-gun, which I don't have, and after the stun treatment most Sues wake up violent. I need reinforcements, which you, Legolas, are." Nuin was getting exasperated. "Get it through your head."
"But why -?"
"SHUT UP!" howled Nuin, holding her head.
"Well, you are being rather obtuse," Aragorn pointed out.
"All right, all right," grumbled Nuin. "SAG associates always work in groups, because if they didn't, and a lone one got hurt or killed, someone would get in major sh**. We usually don't recruit many men for the actual catch, because as you are aware, Mary-Sues cause havoc with most guys. So I figured, the simpler Legolas' goals were, the less likely he'd get distracted. I've had a clean record for nearly three years now, and I intend to keep it that way. That means no dying on me. OK? You have one focus: do whatever I tell you to to capture the Sues, whether it seems inane or insane or just plain useless. I know what I'm doing."
Suddenly she stopped and looked thoughtful. "You know what? I just had an idea. HQ's Head Cheeses should recruit traumatized canon characters, because I'd bet they'd be absolutely ruthless in the de-Sueifying process. Remus Lupin could shoot up the ranks so fast he'd go through the roof. It'd do wonders for his mental well-being too. Hell, it'd probably do Boromir and Frodo some good too. I'm mentioning that next time I'm at HQ."
"Where are we going to next to escape the Mary-Sues?" asked Merry.
"Mordor," Boromir suggested again.
"No," Aragorn shrugged the suggestion off again. "Moria."
"But there's Orcs, trolls, and maybe another Balrog!" cried Pippin.
Aragorn grinned. "That's the point."
"In the name of Aslan!" cried Frodo.
"Let's do it," said Legolas.
"Just a reminder: sometime or other you're gonna have to find a good place to stand against the Sues," said Nuin. "Keep looking for a good ambush point."
Suddenly, a funny buzzing sound was heard. Nuin pulled something out of her pocket that looked like a cross between a pocket watch and a barometer and stared at it. Then she started cursing and saying a lot of very unladylike and extremely un-Elvish words. "I have to go. Now! Catch ya later!" She leapt back and starting bounding away across the slope.
"Where are you going?" Aragorn yelled after her.
"12 Grimmauld Place! Sh**! Shouldn't've told you that!" she screamed back. "I really hope there aren't any Death Eaters that followed me into Middle-Earth!..."
"What in Middle-Earth is she talking about?" wondered Pippin. The others shrugged.
*~*~*
At last the companions were over the pass of Caradhras, and down they went into Dimrill Dale, and then up the steep winding path into the darkness of the Mines.
"But the bridge was broken," Merry said. "How can we cross into the depths of Moria?"
"There are other ways," Aragorn replied. "We simply took the easiest route last time."
"I'm going fast as I can, please don't make me rush; this feeling's coming on way too fast -" Frodo sang quietly to avoid being smacked upside the head by his saner companions.
"Where is he getting all these songs from?" wondered Pippin.
"Luinramwen and Erenriel knew the one he was singing up on Caradhras," remembered Sam.
"Perhaps they come from Earth as well," suggested Legolas.
Suddenly the unmistakeable sound of several screaming s. perfectivili broke the muffled quiet of the Black Pit.
"Uh-oh," muttered Aragorn. "Get Frodo to stop singing! I think I know why they are able to track us!" he yelled.
"What?!"
"It's the songs! The Mary-Sues follow the songs! Or, at least our two main pursuers do."
"Oh no!" groaned Legolas.
"Will they have more shinies for me to steal?" asked Boromir hopefully.
"Probably! Now run!" yelled Aragorn in a panic.
The screaming grew louder. "Aaaaaaaaaraagooooorn!"
"Booooooooorooomiiiiiiiir!"
"Leeeeeeeeeegoolaaaaaaas!"
"Froooooooodoooooooo!"
"Leeeeeeeeeeeeegoolaaaas!"
"Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!"
"Piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiippiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin!"
"Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerryyyy!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed the companions, running after Aragorn, who was high-tailing it for a low slit in the rock wall.
"Hurry!" he called, dropping to his knees. "We'll have to crawl!"
The last one to disappear into the low passage (Sam) just barely made it before a Mary-Sue arrived and snatched at his foot. They heard her scream of anguish. "I broke a nail!"
"Hurry!" yelled Aragorn again.
"We're going fast as we can!" yelled Legolas. "You're in front. You hurry!"
"Someone shut Frodo up! He's singing again!" came Aragorn's muffled voice back.
Sure enough, the maddened hobbit was singing, "Seeee chameleon, lying there in the sun - all things to everyone, run runaway! OW!" Someone had apparently thwacked him, and Frodo finally shut up.
When they made it to the other end of the tunnel, several hours later, the friends collapsed to the floor of the chamber it had opened up in, unable to move. Their knees were stiff, bloody and sore. If a Mary-Sue had come in and found them, they would have been next to helpless to repel her. Wearily, they ate a cold meal of whatever rations they had on them, and then tried to sleep.
They were just drifting off when they saw movement in the doorway. They snapped awake, tense with fear.
It was Nuiniachwen. She strode in, shutting the chamber door firmly behind her and locking it, saying, "Hello again. God, you look even worse than I feel! What've you been doing?"
"Crawling down a dark cramped tunnel for several hours. What've you been doing?" Aragorn demanded.
Nuin shuddered and retrieved her sabre from Boromir's curious hands. "Twelve Mary-Sues at Grimmauld Place! Twelve! All looking for separate targets! I thought the place was going to go ballistic! A nightmare, let me tell you, especially since these Mary-Sues were cleverer than most. Then I had to round up everyone who needed to be taken to St. Mungo's again to recuperate. They've got a whole ward for Sue-victims now. Remus Lupin's practically got resident's status, same with Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter, and a few others. God, Sirius is lucky he's dead, they don't come after him as much, 'cause they think he's kicked the bucket now. Course, Boromir's dead too, or supposed to be, and it hasn't seemed to change anything for him -"
"What the -?" They gaped.
"Never mind me, I'm just babbling," she sighed. "I always feel so down after a bad trip like that. I desperately need chocolate. Brought my own, this time, even enough to share. Ya want to try some?" Nuin opened the pouch slung at her waist and started tossing chocolate bars to the startled companions.
"Yum!" cried Boromir, rapidly wolfing down a Mars Bar.
"Thif if vewy goo'" agreed Legolas through a mouthful of chocolate.
"BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" went the hobbits.
"Uh-oh," said Aragorn in alarm. "What's wrong with them?"
"Sugar buzz," shrugged Nuin. "Nothing serious or permanent." She took another bite, swallowed, then opened another bar. "The nice thing about chocolate is that most Mary-Sues avoid it like the plague. It's like a major allergic reaction for them. Zits, noticeable weight gain, bloating, vibrating so fast they either implode or explode. This is all within seconds of eating one thing chocolate. So, if you guys want to sleep, which I daresay you do, we're perfectly safe, as long as we pile the chocolate around the exits."
"Wonderfulstuffchocolateis," Sam agreed, vibrating so much his whole body was a blur.
