"Boy next door…"
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~Chapter 8 - Tortured Memories
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Who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows?
Only time...
And who can say if your love grows,
As your heart chose?
Only time...
Who can say why your heart sighs,
As your love flies?
Only time...
And who can say why your heart cries,
When your love lies?
Only time...
Who can say when the roads meet,
That love might be,
In your heart.
And who can say when the day sleeps,
If the night keeps all your heart?
Night keeps all your heart...
Who can say if your love grows,
As your heart chose?
Only time...
And who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows?
Only time...
Who knows?
Only time...
Who knows?
Only time...
(Enya - Only Time)
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I waited until Edward's breathing grew to be; but a quiet comforting sigh in the darkness. Making my escape was no easy feat, tangled in his heavenly embrace. My head, logic, and anxiety; were all screaming at me to head home, before Charlie could take notice. My heart; it wanted to stay, for all the reasons Edward made me feel good. The way he looked at me; a convincing stare, that told me everything would be alright. Yet our words were sometimes worlds apart; lost even.
It was no longer in print; it had come to life… Edward said those three words.
In my room; I stared quietly over those several pages Edward had given me; unable to sleep. I love you… -in Edward's pen.
My head and my heart were in two different places. My head wanted to know where we stood; logically, were we even dating? My heart didn't seem to mind; who needs a title, a label, a name?
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This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.
But…
I don't have many friends…
And you're the only one I can talk to.
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"It feels passionate; intimate…but we're friends..." I leaned into the side of my truck; confessing more than I should to Alice. I needed a girlfriend, but more importantly - I needed one I could trust. I think everyone said a silent prayer before every conversation with Alice; you just never knew what she would or wouldn't tell.
"You haven't been friends for a long time Bella…" Alice scoffed; clutching tighter to the binder in her arms.
"We're friends again…" Rolled off my tongue. Were we? Are we?
"That's not what I mean… It's been the giant elephant in the room since we started high school. It's amusing; everyone sees it but you." Alice shook her head at me before her smile lit up her entire face; it always extended to reach her eyes.
"Maybe I see it now…" My tone rang confused, even in my own ears.
"I don't know, we've always been good friends." I blurted, flustered. Alice was being a good friend as far as listening; but she never told me what to do - even when I desperately wanted her to.
"Best friends." Alice nodded solemnly.
"Alice, you know I love you." I blurted. We'd been friends long before Edward ever came into the picture. We had play dates in diapers, before we could even correctly pronounce the others name.
"I know, but I'm no Edward…" Alice laughed.
"It's so confusing… Why doesn't he just ask me if that's what he wants?" I grimaced, shoving my hands into my pockets for warmth.
"Surround yourself in something beautiful; and it's the one label that never really goes out of style." Alice spouted with a soft giggle.
"We're not comparing Edward to a pair of shoes." I couldn't help but laugh a little.
"Why not? There's nothing wrong with enjoying your investment." Alice grinned. The warm press of lips upon my cheek startled me. I gasped, Edward appeared as if out of thin air.
"I would have given you a ride…" Edward spoke with amusement; brows slightly raised as his gaze darted between Alice and I. I'm sure my expression appeared a mix of shock and annoyance that Alice didn't at least warn me.
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You are what I never knew…
I always wanted…
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Distracted; my thoughts were clouded with so many questions. Why didn't Edward want an Alice of his own? Someone beautiful inside and out; with fashion sense. I wanted that for Edward. Why couldn't I uphold those expectations for myself?
I kept catching Edward stealing glances in Biology. His elbow would drift in an out from reaching my side; giving me a few gentle pokes to startle me back to reality. Where Kudla scribbled on the board in chalk lines so faint; I could hardly read them. I couldn't even remember Kudla's morning speech… I knew he had to have given one; he was never laid back enough to forget.
"Page one-forty-two…" Edward exhaled in but a whisper. It was then that I really looked around; everyone already had their books open. Quickly I flipped open my book, scrambling to find the suggested page. Chapter Fifteen - Life in the Water: Aquatic Ecosystems. Reading the title had me exhausted… I hate Biology…
When the bell rang; Edward made a quick exit. I lazily wandered out; one of the last to escape. Alice caught me in the hall…
"Long weekend; sleep over?" Alice asked in the midst of my efforts to open my locker. She was bubbling with enthusiasm… In which I forgot the combination to my lock and had to start over.
"Uh…When?" I pulled out my English book, before forcing my Biology book into the mess; hastily closing the locker door before anything could slide out.
"Tonight?" Alice bounced at my side. "I'll tell my mom I'm staying over." The warning bell rang, sixty seconds to get to class. Plenty of time…
"Alice…" I groaned, knowing exactly what she meant. Solitary confinement would suit me just fine; as long as I had a view of Edward. The sum of my life… Had already run out by the end of first period.
"I'll give you a call after school." Alice smiled before skipping off to class. Again the press of lips fell upon my cheek, as I caught glimpse of unruly coppery brown strands; Edward.
"Impeccable timing…" I laughed softly.
"Just in time to walk you to class." He snatched my English book and binder from my hands before I could protest and headed down the hall.
"We're going to be late." Edward tilted his gaze back; reminding me of the time as he pressed on. I hurried; catching up with his pace.
"I used to be that exception." I teased, mocking his infamous guilt trip.
"I've got three, maybe four more Saturdays to spare…" I watched the wheels in his head spin as we neared Art class.
"We're going to class." I laughed, snatching my books from his hands. The bell rang right on cue. We weren't the only ones running behind; most hadn't been seated. I went with my assigned table. A lot of students rotated; I was intent on not fucking this up. I needed that D for effort. Have pity on me and don't fail me…
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A person who asks a question is a fool for five minutes.
A person who doesn't is a fool forever.
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Lunch was becoming routine. I'd seat myself at the table while Edward retrieved our lunches. Art was painful and English wasn't much better. I constantly felt like I was almost within reach of saving myself from drowning and two seconds from going under. I wasn't sure if that feeling would ever go away on its own; without my medication to take the edge off. For now I was managing as best I could; trying not to let it drive me crazy…
"You've been quiet." Edward noted, sliding into the chair across from me as he lowered our trays onto the table. Breaded chicken, canned peaches, and fries… Cold cans of coke; lunch.
"I'm always quiet." I grabbed the can of Coke from my tray and popped the tab.
"Not this quiet." Edward took a glance around the lunchroom before shoveling a small handful of fries in his mouth. I pondered for a moment if he'd eat just about anything; he never passed on lunch and they were always pretty fucking gross.
"What do you want me to say?" I sipped my soda as I watched Edward begin to devour his lunch.
"I don't know. How was your day, or how was your evening if you prefer?" He laughed, mildly amused, scoffing at his own words.
"Definitely prefer the night." I smiled, but Edward couldn't even bring himself to make eye contact with me. Already his cheeks were tinged with a hint of color. He choked on his next bite…
"That stuff will kill you." I noted calmly. He smacked his chest, coughing.
"One way or another…" He popped the tab on his can of Coke and took a long drink before discarding it on his tray.
"Are you going to the beach-house this weekend?" Edward threw it out there; so casually.
"I've been thinking about it…. With Saturday detention; Charlie probably wouldn't let me go." School was miserable enough; I wasn't sure I wanted to throw myself into even more gatherings with my peers. Still; I felt better knowing Edward was invited.
"Just tell him Alice has Saturday detention too; then he'll know that you'll go." Edward persisted.
"What if he calls? I don't know…" I shrugged.
"If any parents make the call, we're all going down. I'm spending the weekend at Mike's." Edward laughed.
"Come, live a little." He insisted; the conversation died. I studied Edward as he finished his lunch; pondering the weekend. Live a little…
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Live a little…
Love a little…
Before you can truly live, you must first learn to love…
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I drove myself home. More exhausted mentally, than physically; I decided to take a nap. I had a schedule all planned out in my head. Nap, dinner, homework, time with Edward. Making plans seemed to be helping ease my anxiety issues.
Instead Charlie woke me up around seven thirty; I'd missed dinner… There was no sign of Edward; homework could wait. I needed routine, yet I had only myself to blame for my failures…
"I have training this weekend. I'll be leaving Friday morning and should be home by Sunday evening. I'll call." Charlie seemed really anxious. It was almost as if he were excited. Usually he complained about traffic and having to be away, lousy cheap motel rooms or shared quarters…
"If you're leaving Friday, why are we talking about this now?" Wednesday night…
"Alice left a message, aren't you going over there tonight?" Charlie responded; surprised.
"I haven't decided." Alice already made plans for me!?
"I think you should go." He pressed a kiss atop my head and handed me a sheet of memo paper with emergency numbers and cash to order out.
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You should go…
You should know better.
…Almost eighteen…
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Just before ten, Edward came home. I was a mix of emotions; that I wanted to avoid. Charlie went out; after I agreed to pack for Alice's. I'd packed, but hadn't even moved to go. I figured it was too late to call her back, I certainly didn't want to get her in trouble if she was supposed to be at my house…
Edward's light came on… The phone rang and I nearly fell off the bed. Torn with whether to answer or not. Was it Edward? Charlie? Alice? I didn't want to disappoint Charlie before his trip; give him reason to think he had to stay home for my sake. He needed this, I needed this.
I grabbed my bag, turned out the lights, and headed downstairs to grab my jacket and keys. It had rained on and off all day; most of the snow had melted. The yard was a soggy mess; sinking beneath my feet with every step toward my truck.
I turned the key and the engine rattled to life, the belt squealed…waking every dog in the neighborhood. My truck was a piece of shit, but it was reliable or rather predictable. Certain sounds meant it was about to die and others were completely normal and made me thankful the fucker started.
I gave it a moment to warm up; waiting for when the vibrations of the engine would settle to a steady hum. The latch on the passenger door clicked before the rusted panel of the door rattled; I'd met Edwards gaze beyond the glass before he managed to open the door. He looked…confused, angry?
"Where are you going at this hour? You didn't answer the phone, you were home..." He climbed into the passenger seat before I could protest…or invite him in.
"I figured it was Charlie." I admitted.
"What happened with Charlie?" He asked, in a calmer level of concern.
"Nothing, I promised him I'd go to Alice's.."
"You're driving to La Push at this hour?" Edward shook his head as he reached over to cut off the engine; coming away with my keys. I was caught completely off guard by his action. It wasn't as if I had been drinking or anything…
"It's not that far, it's not that late…" I tried to protest; defend myself.
"Wait until tomorrow." Edward insisted.
"I can't, I told Charlie I was going tonight. If there's a change in plans; he'll think I'm lying to appease him."
"That's fucked up…" Edward gave a little laugh. We both knew how my father could be; he definitely lived up to his sheriff title.
"Well….Then leave him a note so he knows Alice picked you up; and then come over. " The door popped and rattled as he made his exit.
"Edward…err, Alice" I called out; before he could get away.
"Bella…" A smug smile danced on his lips as he lowered his head to peer into the passenger side door; so sure of himself…probably because he had my keys.
"I need my keys to get back inside…" I noted.
"Which key is it?" Edward's gaze lowered to my keys in his hand; already trying to decipher which it were.
"Just give me my keys…" He was trying to be cute and I was trying my hardest to let him know it wasn't working. It was working…
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We only part; to meet again…
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I left a note for Charlie; taped to the front door, just to make sure he saw it. Edward had control of my keys, he let me in and even after I wrote the note…still wouldn't give me back my keys!
"It's late, shouldn't we be sneaking in?" I had a sinking feeling we were going to get busted; entirely paranoid. Edward strolled inside, toward the staircase. Afraid; I waited just inside the door.
"Come upstairs; there's something I want to show you." Edward looked at me quizzically from the stairs. I think my expression read clearly that I was about to shit my pants.
"She isn't home, she's at the school board meeting, convention, or some charity event. She'll be back Sunday." His speech rattled off his tongue; blowing off my concern entirely. I stepped inside, closing the door behind me.
When the door closed, everything came bubbling to the surface. An entirely different panic…Reliving my thoughts, an entire day in three seconds.
"You coming?" Edward's voice echoed down the stairwell, startling me back to life. I went upstairs to find him leaning over a gray portfolio strewn across his bed. I couldn't help but wonder where he had been. He occasionally had plans that didn't include me; reminding me how pathetic I was in comparison.
"Earlier; where were you?"
"You mean; what did I do today?" He wore a silly self satisfied smirk…
"Same question…" I brushed him off. I wasn't jealous if that's what he were imposing, never…
"Did I do something wrong today?" His expression furrowed with concern, his breath hitched in his throat as if he were experiencing his very own three seconds of déjà vu. Recounting the moments we'd shared since last night.
"No. Am I being bitchy?" My tone clearly read of my lack of strive in life; however dull it may be. This was me, un-medicated; normal? I watched as Edward zipped the portfolio closed…
"I need a smoke…" Edward grabbed his jacket off the desk chair and headed out; I followed, unsure of what just happened. His pace was quick and I began to wonder why we were heading so far out into his back yard, why we'd even come outside at all… I prayed Charlie wouldn't come home in the next ten minutes. If nobody was home at Edward's place…? I'd watched Edward smoke from his window hundreds of times… I shoved my hands deep into my pockets and watched as Edward lit up.
"You want one?" He extended the open pack of cigarettes. I slipped a hand from my pocket, but before I could even reach the pack…
"You don't smoke cigarettes…" He slipped the pack back into his jacket pocket; staring at me quizzically.
"I'm a big girl, Edward." I noted, he wasn't being serious - was this really a test? Alright, so Edward was there the first and last time I smoked a cigarette; mostly because it made me sick. Still, the fascination was there to try again; if only to blend in.
"It's a bad habit…and then you'll smell like.." He started rambling…
"You…" I laughed softly.
"Yeah, like me…" He held the cigarette between his fingers at his side. Looking lost in thought, he hadn't taken but a single drag since we'd been out here.
"Why are we here?" I asked, making conversation.
"What?" Edward's tone was very abrupt; he sounded on edge…
"Nobody's home…Why did we come out here to smoke?" I stated the obvious.
"It's the second best view…" Edward started off so casually; before his breath hitched in his throat.
"Habit." He corrected himself.
"Finish what you were going to say…" I insisted.
"It's no secret anyway…" He laughed softly. His gaze lowered as he shuffled his feet across the wet pavement near the trash bins. Second best view… As I took in our surroundings, I realized Edward was referring to me watching him from my window.
"Now, I have to show you something…" He flicked his cigarette out into the alley, he sounded anxious. With a gentle push, he made me lead. Pressing his hand against my back as we climbed the stairs. Edward's enthusiasm was rubbing off on me; I was curious to see what he wanted to show me.
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You show me everything.
Within you I find myself
Within you I lose myself
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He shuffled around in his closet, coming away with a larger navy portfolio. I scooted over to the corner of the bed, giving him room to lay it out and open it.
After he opened it; he paused… The first image was a black and white sketch of main street. I knew Edward was in art class because he was talented, not shit out of luck. Edward began flipping through the pages, frantically, as if he were unsure…
"Slow down…" I asked, amused. If you're going to show me something, let me see it…
"I think I grabbed the wrong one." Edward turned and began rummaging through his closet again. Leaving me staring at a bold primary colored clown… I turned the page as Edward fought to pull out more navy colored portfolios.
The next page was smaller and curled by harsh strokes of colored pencil. A window, my window… It was even detailed with the sun, moon, and star sun catchers; that were once suctioned to the glass - years ago…
I turned the page… Beyond the window, me sitting at my desk with a pile of books at my feet in black and white. Chalk drawing?
"That's the one.." Edwards tone, reminded me I wasn't alone. The drawing was so well done, It brought me back to that moment. When the nights were long; silent. Edward looked nervous when I looked up to meet his gaze. He quickly discarded the portfolios in his hands to lean them against the closet door, before he came around to lean over the bed to resume flipping the pages.
The next image was drawn completely in blue pencil, a vibrant, almost electric blue that danced across the page with light feathering hand strokes. I was impressed; but sincerely doubted I looked that beautiful in sleep… Edward's hand trembled along the page.
"These are really good, beautiful. You know you're talented Edward." I tried to ease the tension radiating from him.
"You are beautiful; I thought you were going to think it was really weird…" He almost smiled.
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I may be some sort of crazy…
We may be some sort of crazy…
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"So this is like… your diary…" I smiled, flipping to the next page. I understood what Edward meant by the next image. The angle near the garage allowed him the second best view inside my window. All this time I thought I went unnoticed… The images were beyond compare; so impressed with his ability to draw from memory I was speechless.
"I don't want to scare you away; again…" Edward admitted. Why? Because you do something productive with your stalking time other than just stalk? I felt guilty, perhaps Edward pined for me more than I ever did him. I didn't have much to show for myself.
"What are we Edward? What am I to you?" I asked as Edward flipped the page, an image of me behind the sheer veil of my bedroom curtain. Shaded in browns and gold, so beautiful, it looked like an antique photograph. Captivated; it stole my breath before I raised my eyes to meet Edward's gaze.
"You are my everything…" Edward spoke slowly, as if he were afraid of the words he were speaking. His words were always perfect… so beautiful, they were sometimes lost on me.
"Are we friends, are we dating?" I was blunt.
"If you want to put a bullshit title on it and call me your boyfriend, go ahead." Edward's tone was harsh and filled with laughter, mocking me, as if I were being naïve and silly.
"Bullshit title?" I responded, to his statement; it definitely caught me off guard.
"Everything…. Bella, I'm all about the say what you mean and mean what you say lingo." He shrugged with a bluntness all his own.
"So if anyone asks, I'm supposed to tell them you're my everything?" I asked him, amused. It sounded so strange…
"If that's not what you want, we can just be friends." He stated calmly, before reaching forward to close the portfolio. I threw out my hand to stop him. There had to be at least fifty more pages and I wanted to see them.
"Why do you have to be difficult?" I taunted. Alice was right - some things just are not meant to be labeled.
"I'm not, I just know what I want." Edward retorted, pulling back his hand as if my touch alone had burned him.
"That's a good line, I'm going to use that." I teased.
"You probably have; I'm sure I've heard it from somewhere…" He quipped back, with a hint of a smile. Still he made no move from his strong stance beside the bed.
"Last night - when you said, when you told me.." I wanted to get one question right without Edward flipping it on me.
"I love you." He finished my statement; repeating himself.
"That, you said it again…" My tone read clearly of my surprise. Edward appeared to be the calm one over the matter.
"You love me like a…" Friend? Sister? Cousin? More? All those jokes cracked over the years suddenly haunted me.
"As in; I hope one day you might say it back." His tone was amused; but he quickly grew quiet; lowering his gaze to stare at his feet. Giving me a glimpse of the boy…
I loved you then… I still love you… I will always love you….
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~End Chapter 8 - Tortured Memories
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