NOTE: Thank you all so much for reading and/or reviewing. I'm really excited that y'all are liking my original character so much. I didn't really expect that to happen, but I'm sure the person she's based on would be very flattered, after she finished telling me that she told me so. And please don't hate JJ too much. She does get nicer/better/more understanding. Eventually….

Also, is anyone else having this weird issue with ads taking up like 1/3 of the screen on this website, or is that just my computer being its usual annoying self?

WARNING: this story deals with suicide and self-injury. MAY BE TRIGGERING so read at your own risk.

8. Girls' Night Out

When the five women working on the case arrived at the bar, Emily quickly stepped up and offered to buy the first round. As she walked towards the bar, JJ and Garcia immediately turned to Sage with inquisitive eyes. "So, who's our princess dating now?" Garcia asked.

"I heard her mention someone named Sergio earlier," Lydia said, prompting the two blondes to laugh uproariously.

Even Sage cracked a smile, placing her hand on Lydia's arm sympathetically. "Sergio is Emily's cat, sweetie."

"Ah," Lydia replied, slightly blushing with embarrassment over her mistake and delight at Sage's use of a term of endearment. "Her comment about going home to a sweet pussy makes a lot more sense now."

The agents all laughed, glad that they had invited the police detective. JJ glanced over towards the bar to see where Emily had gone and bit her lip at the sight of the brunette leaning over the bar, trying to get the bartender's attention, her tight jeans emphasizing her shapely ass. God, how I have missed that woman, JJ thought, a slight smile on her face as she realized that she was incredibly glad to see Emily, no matter how much drama there seemed to be between them.

Turning her attention back to the group's conversation, JJ's eyes widened as she heard Garcia boldly ask, "C'mon, gumdrop! At least tell us when the last time she got laid was?"

Sage rolled her eyes. "Best sex I've never had," she muttered under her breath, remembering an incident that she had been forced to listen to while her team was at a hotel in Paris and she had unluckily gotten a room right next to Emily's.

"What was that?" JJ asked.

"Nothing," Sage replied.

"Oh, no," Garcia interjected. "I definitely heard the word sex, and we were discussing the brunette bombshell over there, so you better spill!"

"And why's that?" Sage asked, somewhat angrily on behalf of her boss – and friend. "Because you're nosy, interfering busybodies who just don't know when to quit?"

"Sage," JJ responded, not understanding why the redhead got so upset so quickly and trying to calm her down. "We care about Emily, and we want her to be happy."

Sage laughed ruefully. "Ya don't even know do ya?" Her accent became more pronounced as she continued. "Ya have no idea how much you messed with her." JJ looked confused as Sage glared at her. "Ya let her believe that she could have something that she wanted desperately, and then you married Detective Bad-Accent and asked her to be happy for yas. And you have no idea what you gave up. Em is a beautiful, brilliant, amazing person, and if you really cared about her, you'd stay out of her life before you make her slit her wrists again."

Emily had been walking up behind Sage while she was lecturing JJ, whose eyes flashed with surprise as she watched the brunette's face change from wistful to angry in a blink. "I'm flattered that you care so much, Sage," Emily said quietly. "But how about you take your own advice and stay the fuck out of it." Emily downed her whiskey in one gulp, slammed the glass down on the table, and turned to leave the bar.

JJ followed Emily outside, grabbing her wrist before the brunette could reach her government-issued vehicle. The blonde pulled up Emily's sleeves and gasped. "Oh, Em! My beautiful Em, why?" JJ brought Emily's left wrist to her mouth and gently kissed the long, raised scar.

"Because I had a bad day," Emily replied, sounding calm yet roughly ripped her arm out of JJ's grasp.

Undettered, JJ stepped forward and placed one hand on Emily's cheek. "You can talk to me about anything, Em. I love you."

Instead of leaning into the caress as JJ had expected, Emily quickly stepped backwards. "Don't start this, JJ. You're not going to like where it ends."

Unbeknownst to either woman, the three remaining agents had followed them out of the bar and now stood nearby, listening as the conversation continued.

"I'm just trying to help you, Em," JJ was saying. "Please let me help you."

"I think you've helped me enough already. Don't you have a husband to get back to?" Emily replied bitterly.

"Oh, for heaven's sakes, Em, just forget about Will for one minute and talk to me," JJ begged.

Emily's eyes widened. "Forget? Forget about the asshat you married the day after I risked my life to save his?" Emily raised her voice. "Forget about the jackhole whose arms you ran to after I saved his sorry ass? You've got a lot of nerve to ask me to forget for even one second that the cretin you claim to love never even said thanks, and, oh, by the way, sorry I stole the love of your life who you were fucking behind my back for four years. Forget?" Emily laughed humorlessly. "I'd give almost anything to be able to forget you both." With this last bitter comment, Emily turned away from JJ's tearful eyes, keeping her back straight as her face fell, the anger draining into sheer pain. She bit her lip to keep from crying out at the agony of it all.

Emily slowly walked the remaining distance to the standard dark sedan, wanting so badly for JJ to stop her, to run to her and tell her that she was wrong. That she really did care. That she had pined away for the last two years, just as Emily had. But Emily knew better than to expect it. Not from JJ. Not from anyone. Never again.

x-BEGIN FLASHBACK-x

Dancing with JJ at the new club on 5th felt so good. The blonde's bare arms around her waist, pulling their hips together, her breath mingling with Emily's as the intense eye contact aroused them both. One corner of Emily's mouth turned upwards in a half smile as JJ's hands reached up underneath her shirt, dragging her nails over Emily's pale skin. Emily closed her eyes for a moment, reveling in the feeling that she was here with her Jay and no one else. For once.

Then she felt JJ turn around in her arms and opened her eyes to see a random man with dark hair and beady eyes, approximately two inches shorter than her. And his hands were on JJ's hips. Emily glared at him, but he barely glanced at the brunette; he just leaned forward and asked if he could buy JJ a drink. What the hell? Emily thought. Who the fuck has the nerve to hit on a woman who is clearly here with someone else? He must have an ego the size of Jupiter and a three-inch dick.

Emily expected JJ to reject him, laugh off the awkwardness maybe. Say she was gay, perhaps. Something. Anything but what she actually did. JJ giggled in a high-pitched tone, smiled broadly at the man, and, in her best vapid, valley-girl voice, said, "Sure, I'd love that!" Turning to Emily, JJ leaned forward and whispered into Emily's ear, "He's hot! I'll be right back. You don't mind, do you?" Before Emily could respond, JJ had linked her arm with the man's and walked away, leaving the brunette alone on the dance floor.

Emily's eyes narrowed. She heard laughter behind her and turned. A rotund, balding fellow wearing a bright blue football jersey commented, "You got played, sistah. How 'bout you come dance with me for a while? I'll make you feel all better."

Emily just raised an eyebrow at the man, shook her head, and made her way to the bar – directly opposite from where JJ and her new toy were deep in conversation. Emily knew she shouldn't drink too much since she had driven to the club, but watching JJ flirt with the random asshat made liquor a neccessity. When the bartender made her way over to the section where Emily was sitting, Emily ordered a whiskey neat. "Strongest you got. And make it a double." When the bartender returned with the drink, Emily downed it in a flash and ordered another.

Emily considered her options as she sipped on her second whiskey. She could just leave, but then JJ would be alone in a big club with a random stranger. Bad idea. She could go dance with number 84 over there, but that made her feel nauseas. Worse idea. She could sit here, drink whiskey, and watch the train wreck that was her so-called love life unfold. Horrendous idea. But really, what other choice did she have?

Emily sighed, sipping her third – or maybe fourth – glass of bad whiskey that tasted like motor fuel, or maybe antifreeze. She almost wished it was antifreeze, as she saw the asshat lean over and start kissing her Jennifer. Emily felt her whole body stiffen, her muscles beoming rigid, and suddenly the glass in her hand broke, spilling alcohol onto the bar, which then dripped down onto her jeans.

Emily just stared at the mess for a moment, until the man next to her noticed and grabbed a pile of napkins to sop up the spill. "Are you okay?" he asked. "Your hand is bleeding."

Emily looked at the cut on her palm, her hand still dripping with the brown liquid. "I'm just stellar," she replied sarcastically. The man turned around, muttering something about only trying to help, but Emily paid no attention. She brought her hand up to her mouth and licked the cut. The taste of blood and whiskey mingled on her tongue, the metallic tang almost soothing Emily's nerves for a moment.

Then Emily looked up and didn't see JJ. Her eyes widened as she began to worry, knowing intimately the things that could happen when you went home with a random guy. She looked around anxiously, and relaxed minutely when she finally saw JJ and the asshat walking hand-in-hand towards the stairs that led to the restrooms. Emily jumped up and followed at a discrete distance. For JJ's protection, of course.

Despite the events of the evening, Emily was still not prepared when she started down the stairway and heard JJ's sexy giggle turn into a moan, loud enough to be heard over the somewhat muted music. Emily closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

Telling herself that she had to go wash her bleeding hand anyway, she continued down the steps and, at the bottom, looked around. The restrooms were to her left, but to her right she saw the asshat pressing JJ into the wall, with one of JJ's legs wrapped around him. JJ's eyes were closed and her head was thrown back as the asshat sucked on her neck noisily, one hand on her ass and the other squeezing her breast.

Emily just stared for a minute, not quite knowing what to do. JJ had left her to be with others before – both men and women – but it had never been this blatant, this overt, this . . . whatever this was. Feeling a tear roll down her cheek as her chest constricted, Emily entered the ladies' room, locked the door, and covered up the sounds of her sobbing by running the water in the sink. She sank to the floor, hugging her knees to her chest, and let herself go for perhaps the first time.

This is it, Emily thought as she continued crying. This is how all my illusions shatter. She doesn't love me at all. You don't do shit like this to someone you love. But then, she never promised me anything. She never said she wanted me for more than what we are. It's my own fucking fault. I read too much into everything she did – and not enough into the things she didn't do. Emily made a fist with her injured hand, and the pain calmed her, focused her. She closed her eyes and dug her short fingernails into the wound, drawing fresh blood as her tears dried up and her eyes became stony. This is what I get for trusting. Never again.

x-END FLASHBACK-x

Emily was jerked out of her reverie by the slamming of the passenger door. "I'd offer to drive, but I think I might actually be drunker than you," Sage stated, ignoring the tears on Emily's face. "Back to the hotel?"

"I'll drop you off," Emily replied softly. "There's something I have to go do."

"No way, Em," Sage told her. "I'm not letting you go anywhere alone right now."

"I'm fine, Sage," Emily said, trying to keep her voice even.

"No you're not fine," Sage answered angrily. "The last time I saw you this not fine was the day before I found you unconscious in a pool of your own blood. So don't even try it tonight."

Emily glared at her agent as Sage glared right back. Finally, Emily dropped her gaze. "Okay. You win. Back to the hotel." Emily started the engine.

"Damn right I win," Sage muttered as she stared out the window, her arms crossed across her chest.

Emily sighed. She knew that Sage cared, knew how much Sage cared. Things would just be so easy if I could get over JJ and love Sage, Emily thought as she drove. Why can't it just be easy for once in my life? I mean, she's smart, funny, and actually cares about me. But she's not my Jay. Fuck, I wish I could get over this shit already.

When they reached the hotel, Sage grabbed Emily's arm and told her, "We'll stop at my room to get some things, but then I'm sleeping in your room. No arguments."

Emily closed her eyes and nodded, acknowledging to herself that she truly was not fine. Not even a little bit fine. When they finally arrived at Emily's room, she asked, "So can I use the bathroom alone, or do you intend to watch me in there, too?"

"If you let me check the bathroom and pat you down first, then you can be in there alone," Sage replied seriously.

"Stop treating me like I'm suicidal, Sage. I'm not going to kill myself," Emily informed her overly-protective friend.

"But you were going to hurt yourself," Sage said; it wasn't a question.

Emily sighed again. She thought about lying but decided that it wasn't worth the effort, since Sage would just treat her the same way anyway. "I guess I was thinking about it," she admitted, looking at the redhead plaintively. "If I promise not to do anything to hurt myself, can I at least go take a shower?" Emily made it a question even though she knew that she really could just physically kick the smaller woman out of her room. But she didn't want to do that; Sage's behavior was coming from a good place, and, if Emily was honest with herself, she knew that she needed the supervision.

"Only if you leave the door cracked so I know you're not locking yourself in," Sage said.

"I promise," Emily replied softly. "And thank you."

Sage nodded, knowing that the gratitude was for much more than her illusory permission. "Always."

x-x

Emily managed to hold back her tears until she started her shower. Annoyed that Sage had taken her razor away, Emily used a washcloth instead to scrub her skin until it was red and raw. She turned the water as hot as she could stand it and scrubbed even harder. Her tears just seemed endless. She thought about punching the marble shower walls but refrained, remembering that she had promised Sage not to hurt herself.

It took more willpower than Emily thought she had left to keep that promise as she looked down and caught a glimpse of the clover shaped scar on her left breast. She coughed with the weight of what that scar meant. Not too long ago, she had considered getting a tattoo to cover it up, but decided against it. She sometimes needed the reminder – not of Doyle, but of JJ's reaction to the whole situation. It was the beginning of the end for them.

x-BEGIN FLASHBACK-x

"Why didn't you tell me, Em?" was the question that Emily awoke to after her first surgery. She couldn't speak due to the ventilator, and even if not for that, the pain would have kept her silent.

JJ didn't notice that Emily was awake at first. She had been sitting at Emily's bedside for two days until finally the doctors eased up on the drugs so that she would regain consciousness, and JJ had spent most of that time talking, pleading with her unconscious friend to come back to life, promising her the world if only she would wake up and be okay. It was only in the past few hours that JJ had started feeling angry at the brunette. Why was she so closed-mouthed? Why did she have to do it all on her own? Why wouldn't she ever ask for help?

"Damnit, Em," JJ said aloud, "Why didn't you just tell me?" JJ sighed. Then she heard Emily cough, choking on the tube in her throat. Tears immediately sprung to JJ's eyes as she gazed down into the deep brown orbs that she had been craving. "Oh, Em," she gasped, and then, at another cough from the brunette, she shook herself out of her daze and pressed the nurse call button as the doctor entered the room. JJ snuck out as Emily's attention was diverted.

"Ok, Emily," the doctor said cheerfully. "I'm going to remove the tube now, so when I say go, I need you to exhale as hard as you can, okay?"

Emily nodded slightly, and the doctor said, "Go." An awful noise tore out of her throat and burned like breathing fire, but at least now she didn't feel like she was choking anymore. The doctor brought a cup full of ice chips to Emily's lips and instructed, "Only a little at a time, okay? I know it hurts so don't speak until you feel up to it, okay?"

Emily nodded, becoming annoyed at the way the doctor ended every sentence with a questioning 'okay.' As if she had a choice in the matter.

As the doctor helped Emily move into a more upright position, adjusting the bed accordingly, JJ re-entered the room. "I had to call everyone to let them know you're awake. They'll be here as soon as they can." She picked up the cup of ice chips from the table and said, "Here, let me help you with this."

The doctor said, "Well, it looks like you're in good hands here, Emily. I'll be back to check on you later, okay?"

Emily simply glared at him, thinking, You just had to go and save me, didn't you? Rip me out of that wonderful void, that terrific blackness, and throw me back into this hell. This pain. Emily stared at JJ as the doctor exited the room. And that pain, too?

JJ took a deep breath and sat down again. "Oh, Em," was all that the blonde could choke out through her tears. She reached up and gently ran her fingertips over the brunette's face. Emily closed her eyes and let herself enjoy the sensation. Then JJ began talking. "Why didn't you trust me, Em? You could always tell me anything. We could have helped. I could have helped. You didn't have to go through this alone. But you always do this, Emily." Although JJ's tone grew angry, her hand on Emily's face remained gentle. "Oh, Em, I love you so much, why do you always have to hide from me? You know I don't care about your past; I just care about my best friend."

At that comment, Emily coughed out, "No fair. Can't talk."

JJ chuckled and fed Emily a few more ice chips. As the blonde opened her mouth to say something else, Garcia and Morgan ran into the room, speaking over each other as they expressed their joy at seeing her awake.

Morgan took Emily's hand – the one not taped all over with IV tubes – and squeezed, a single tear sneaking down his cheek. Emily smiled at him and squeezed back.

Garcia tapped Emily's foot and said, "Well, this room is ridiculously dreary. How do they expect you to recover in this gloom? It's a good thing you won't be here for too long or else I'd have to come and decorate. With pink glitter!"

Emily grinned at her friend, choking out, "No, anything but that!" Garcia and Morgan laughed loudly as Reid, Hotch, and Rossi entered the room.

Morgan gave up his spot to Hotch, who grasped Emily's hand lightly and brought it up towards his face, placing a soft kiss on the back of her hand. His facial expression remained stoic, but his eyes were soft and wet as he gazed at Emily.

Rossi had taken Garcia's spot near the foot of the bed and raised his eyebrows at Hotch's unusual actions. Trying to ease the awkward silence, Rossi said, "Hey, kiddo. Glad to see you're not sleeping on the job anymore." The spell was broken as everyone except for Reid and JJ laughed.

For his part, Reid had knelt down next to the bed, somehow managed to lay his head down next to Emily's, and whispered, "Please don't ever scare me like this again, Emily. I need my big sister here with me."

Emily smiled at Reid, a tear finally escaping from her eye. She rasped quietly, "I'll always be here for you, little brother. Always." Reid smiled and closed his eyes, clearly just enjoying being in the brunette's presence again.

JJ smiled at the familial atmosphere, but then felt her phone vibrating in her pocket. Pulling out the offensive device, she rolled her eyes as she saw Will's name. Again. JJ walked out of the room to answer his call this time, seeing the doctor enter as she left.

Inside, the doctor smiled at seeing his patient looking better already. "Ok, since we're in the ICU, I'm going to pretent that you're all immediate family so I don't have to kick you out, but I do need check on my patient's wounds, so if you wouldn't mind waiting in the hallway for a bit, okay?"

The team trooped out, and as the doctor began to remove some of her bandages, Emily asked, "So, doc, when do I get to go home?"

The doctor laughed. "Hopefully next week," he replied as he continued his exam. "Everything looks promising, but you need to be under observation while your insides heal. Don't push yourself too hard – it'll only set you back in the long run, okay?"

Emily sighed and nodded impatiently. Her friends had taken her mind off of the pain for a while, but now that they were gone, it had come back with a vengeance.

Noticing the pinched look on Emily's face, the doctor reached out to up the dosage of her morphine drip. "Don't be ashamed to admit you're in pain, agent. It's not brave; it just prolongs the agony." The doctor spoke with true compassion. He had treated cops and agents before and he knew a martyr-type when he saw one.

As she watched the doctor leave the room, Emily's mind raced. She didn't know how to cope with any of this. Pulling a bandage on her chest down, she looked at the clover shaped burn etched on her left breast. The skin was an angry red, almost the color of blood. Sighing, she replaced the bandage over the wound as JJ entered the room, looking serious. She sat down next to Emily's bed, but couldn't look at the brunette. Emily waited patiently for JJ to speak, knowing that she wouldn't like whatever the news was.

Finally, after moments that seemed like hours, JJ said, "The team just got called in for a case. Missing little girl. Morgan is outside – he'll stay here with you."

"Do you have to leave too?" Emily asked softly.

JJ sighed. "No, I'm taking a week or two off. I just need to…to think about things. You've really hurt me, Em. You lied to me, kept things from me. You've broken my trust, and I don't think things can ever be the same between us. I love you, but I don't think I'll ever be able to trust you again." JJ stood up. "I need to go home to Will and figure things out. Try to wrap my mind around how the one person that I trusted the most – my best friend – could do this."

Tears flowed from Emily's eyes yet she remained silent.

"Don't you have anything to say for yourself?" JJ demanded angrily.

"What do you want me to say?" Emily replied hoarsely. "Everything you said is true. I hid things from you, lied to you. After I promised never to do that. But I'm not sorry, Jay. I saved your lives. All of you – Morgan, Garcia, you. Even Will. Doyle threatened to kill you all, and he could pull it off. He would have just to get to me. So I ran to save your lives. You would have done the same thing, and you know it. So don't expect an apology, Jay." Emily coughed harshly, her throat burning after talking so much, and JJ saw blood on her lips.

JJ wiped Emily's mouth with a tissue and gave the brunette some more ice chips. "I'm going to leave now, Em. And when I see you again, we'll be JJ and Emily, not Jay and Em." JJ leaned down and placed a chaste kiss on the brunette's lips, then walked out the door.

Morgan entered the room and saw Emily's tears. "Oh, Princess," he said softly as he pulled a tissue from the box on the table and patted the salty liquid off of Emily's cheeks.

"She hates me," Emily whispered. "Was what I did so wrong?"

"No, Emily," Morgan replied seriously. "Now you listen to me. You did what you did because you thought it was the best way to keep us all alive. And you succeeded. We're alive, and you're still here with us. That's all that matters." He took Emily's hand and pressed it to his chest. "You feel my heart? It's still beating because of you. And if JJ can't see that simple fact, then she's an idiot."

Emily bawled, and Morgan embraced her, letting her cry on his broad shoulder. Then he held down Emily's arms as she tried to tear out her IVs and rip off her bandages. He finally yelled for a nurse when Emily managed to rip open the scab forming over the brand on her chest. One nurse ran in and helped Morgan hold Emily down as she called for more assistance. Another nurse ran into the room, jabbing a syringe into Emily's thigh. Within sixty seconds, Emily had calmed down and seemed asleep.

The first nurse turned to Morgan and asked, "She's an agent, right?"

"Yes," he replied.

The nurse sighed. "Suicide watch tonight?"

Morgan looked down at his friend sadly. "Yes. Would you mind if I stayed with her?" He hadn't taken his eyes off the woman he called his sistah-from-another-mistah.

"As far as I know, you're her twin brother," the nurse replied, exiting the room briefly to retreive the correct paperwork.