Chapter 8: Truth
The following Thursday, Rachel's stopped when she saw two Cheerios sitting beside Quinn in the choir room. She was even more confused when she saw three members of the football team sitting by Finn.
"Hey guys!" called out Mr. Schuester. "Rachel. Take a seat," he continued.
"So. As Ms. Sylvester so kindly reminded me," he started sarcastically, "we need 12 members to compete at Sectionals, which are rapidly approaching and will take place a week before Thanksgiving." Rachel pulled out her planner and started writing down the date. "I was lucky enough to have Santana and Brittany over here audition." He motioned towards the two cheerleaders next to Quinn. "Finn here was also able to recruit three members of the football team, so let's give a warm welcome to Mike, Sam, and Noah––"
"It's Puck," interrupted Noah.
"Right," said Mr. Schuester skeptically. "Puck." Quinn shifted uncomfortably when Mr. Schuester mentioned his name.
"So, I was thinking that we could teach our new recruits a few of the songs we've been working on." Mr. Schuester clapped his hands. "We're going to the auditorium."
As the group made its way out of the choir room, Rachel tried to talk to Quinn. She approached her, but was immediately pushed away by her two friends.
"Go crawl back into your hobbit hole and leave us alone," said Santana with a look of disgust on her face.
Halfway through glee club, Rachel saw Quinn leave to go to the bathroom. Muttering that she had to go too, she ran after Quinn.
When Rachel got to the girl's bathroom, she saw Quinn staring intensely at her own reflection, both hands planted firmly on either side of the sink underneath her.
"Why are Brittany and Santana here?" asked Rachel. Quinn turned around, startled. Seeing that there was no point in hiding the truth from Rachel––and it being that they were friends, sort of––she sighed and said,
"After Coach Sylvester found out that I joined glee, I told her that I only joined to infiltrate it. You know, spy on you guys." Rachel's eyes opened wide, but Quinn put her hand out to stop her before she could say anything. "Relax. That's not really why I joined. So Coach Sylvester made Santana and Brittany join, too. So she could have three spies on the inside."
Rachel nodded.
"So now I'm trapped," said Quinn mournfully, leaning against the sink and staring at the ceiling.
"I thought you were friends with them," said Rachel, joining Quinn and leaning on the sink beside hers. "I mean, I always see them with you in the hallways."
"I know. And I am," said Quinn, slightly defensive. "But it's just...I mean, I trust them. They're both loyal. But they lack a certain..." Quinn couldn't put her finger on it.
"Compassion?" Rachel guessed.
"Yeah," said Quinn quietly. "Especially Santana. Brittany's just...well, she's Brittany. She's too simpleminded most of the time."
"Huh." Rachel chewed on her lip. "Well, I don't mean to brag, but I suppose that I could be the compassionate friend in your life." Quinn smiled, looking at the ground.
"If you want. Although I'll never understand why you'd want to be friends with someone like me."
Suddenly, Rachel felt a fire ignite within her. Her heart pounded and adrenaline suddenly filled her veins. She boldly moved away from the sink and towards Quinn and, heedless of what Quinn's feelings towards her might have been, she kissed her.
At first, Quinn was shocked. Her eyes opened wide as Rachel placed her lips on the cheerleader's. Suddenly, the tiny spark that Quinn had felt the first time she went to Rachel's place and that she'd been trying hard to fight against came back. Only this time, it wasn't a spark; it was a fully-formed flame. Quinn found herself actually enjoying Rachel's kiss. She closed her eyes and pulled Rachel closer to her. Rachel, encouraged, put her hands in Quinn's hair, and the two began kissing more intensely, their mouths colliding. Fireworks were going off in Quinn's head, fireworks that she'd never felt with anyone, not even Finn.
Breathless, Rachel suddenly pulled away, and the two stood in the bathroom, staring at each other, panting. Quinn was clutching the sink she was still leaning against.
"Wow," breathed Quinn softly. "I've never...kissed a girl before," she whispered, looking down, seeming confused.
"Neither have I. Kissed anyone, actually," said Rachel. She cleared her throat, pushing a lock of stray hair behind her ear.
"We should get back to practice," said Quinn quietly, smoothing her Cheerios uniform out.
"Yeah," said Rachel. "D-does this mean we're, um..."
"Dating?" asked Quinn, raising an eyebrow. She scoffed. "No. Absolutely not. This didn't mean anything. This didn't happen."
Quinn started leaving the bathroom, but before she could push the door open, Rachel called out,
"You shouldn't be ashamed of your sexuality, Quinn."
Quinn stopped dead in her tracks, whirling around.
"I'm not interested in girls," she replied firmly. It was Rachel's turn to raise her eyebrow.
"Really. Then why have you been so insistent on spending every Thursday at my house watching movies? Or why didn't you complain––far from it––when I offered to walk you home a few weeks ago when it was raining? Or why––whenever we're in glee club––do you stare at me?" Quinn opened her mouth to retort, but Rachel cut her off. "And don't try denying it; I see you staring at me when I'm not staring at you." Quinn looked away, a blush spreading on her face.
"And if you're straight," Rachel continued, quieter this time, "why did you seem to enjoy the kiss we just shared so much?" Quinn's face now matched her Cheerios uniform, and Rachel smirked.
"Yeah, I thought so."
"Look, just..." Quinn's voice was all choked up from embarrassment. "Just because I might be attracted to you doesn't mean that I'm a lesbian."
"Of course not," said Rachel gently, walking over to her and placing an arm on Quinn's. Quinn looked like she was about to cry. "Nobody said you had to label yourself."
"It's just..." Quinn was definitely going to cry now. "My dad always told me that any...attraction to any girl on my part is bad. I'm disobeying him by doing this. I'm disobeying him, and my mom, and my sister––" Quinn was sobbing now, her eyes filled with tears.
Tentatively, Rachel put her arms around Quinn. Surprisingly, Quinn returned the hug, leaning her head on Rachel's shoulder. Rachel gently rubbed Quinn's back.
"It's okay. It's okay."
"I––"
"Shh. You don't have to say anything anymore." Rachel pulled away from Quinn as gently as she could. "We don't have to do this anymore. We don't even have to talk about what just happened ever again. We can stop the movies on Thursdays, and the stares during glee club, and––"
"But that's not what I want," said Quinn in a cracked voice. "I mean...I like you Rachel. I really do, and I've been ashamed to admit it because of my dad, and just this whole damn conservative town..."
"I know," said Rachel quietly.
"It's like..." Quinn sniffled. "When Kurt came out in the ninth grade––"
"Wait. Kurt's gay?" asked Rachel. Quinn nodded.
"Yeah. He came out to the school in the ninth grade. But the whole town gave him hell about it, so he tries to hide it now. And even though I'm not supposed to care about him because I'm a Cheerio and he's some gay musical-theater fashionista at the bottom of the social pyramid, I see him every day trying to hide who he is. Stifling himself. Trying to "tone himself down". And I don't understand why people can't just leave him alone."
Rachel's mind flashed back to how embarrassed Kurt got when he told her that he knew about her crush on Quinn. Now she understood. Gosh, it sucked to be the new kid in town.
"And I don't want that to happen to me, but it looks like that's the only thing to do."
"Wait. S-So you are a lesbian?" Quinn nodded.
"My first crush was a girl named Lindsay in the second grade. I never told her, because of my parents, and I tried to suppress it, and eventually it went away." Quinn dried her eyes.
"And then in the tenth grade, I started falling in love with Santana, and I-I panicked, you know? So I started dating Finn as a cover-up. So no one would suspect anything. Not even Santana." Rachel nodded, listening attentively.
"The truth is..." Quinn looked down, smiling slightly. "Finn's a great guy and all, but I don't love him. I never did. But he thinks so. Whenever he said 'I love you', I'd say 'Me, too'. But I didn't mean it. And God..." Quinn gritted her teeth. "I'm such a bitch for doing that."
"Quinn..." started Rachel, but she didn't know what to say to comfort her.
"Quinn, you can't live like this anymore. You've got to come out." Quinn stared at Rachel, her eyes wide.
"I can't," she said immediately, clearly panicked. "Not right now." The two girls were quiet for a moment.
"I want to go out with you," said Quinn suddenly. "As a start. To...accepting myself, I guess. I like you, Rachel," she said, smiling through her tears. Rachel smiled back, her heart twisting at how pained Quinn looked.
"Me, too."
Another silence.
"Why don't we go to Breadstix tomorrow night," suggested Rachel. "My dads and I went there on the first night that we moved here, and it was good."
"Yeah," said Quinn, laughing shortly. "It's good."
"So you, me and Breadstix Friday night."
"What if someone sees us?" asked Quinn, starting to panic again.
"Then let them see us," said Rachel decisively. "This is the first step to accepting who you are and letting the world know that you're comfortable with who you are."
"Okay," said Quinn reluctantly.
"Okay," said Rachel, smiling. "But now we really have to get back to rehearsal, or Mr. Schuester will think something's up."
Quinn nodded, sighing. She splashed water on her face and dried herself with a paper towel before she made her way down the hall with Rachel.
As they went back to the auditorium, Quinn gently brushed her fingers against Rachel's and smiled. And Rachel smiled back.
