Chapter 8

Putting the key in the lock, Syed quietly turned it and pushed open the door. The house was in darkness apart from a small light in the hallway. He took off his jacket and dropped his rucksack on the floor before climbing quietly up the stairs. He looked in to the bedroom and saw that Sam was in bed, hopefully asleep, so he noiselessly cleaned his teeth and tiptoed into the bedroom, got undressed and slipped under the duvet.

Sam didn't stir and Syed could tell from his regular breathing that he was asleep. Normally, if he'd come in late and Sam was in bed he would have reached over to him, probably woken him up, but at the very least fallen asleep with his arms around him. Tonight was different. He kept resolutely to his own side of the bed, hoping against hope that Sam wouldn't wake up.

Lying awake in the dark, Syed replayed the events of the day over and over again in his head. All he could see was Christian lying in that bed, tears pouring from his eyes and he, Syed, unable to stay with him let alone help him. The last thing he'd heard was Lucy urgently calling for help. His mind went into overdrive – perhaps Christian, at this very minute was dead. No-one would think of telling him. Lucy was his best bet. but she wouldn't put him top of her list of priorities should the unthinkable happen.

He listened to Sam's rhythmic breathing in the dark. He looked at the clock – only midnight – this was going to be a very long night! In the dark he checked his phone for messages – there were none of course – and continued his vigil alone and very much awake.

At about 3 am, Sam suddenly stirred and threw an arm over to his side of the bed. It took Syed by surprise and he made a small exclamation due to the fact he'd been hit in the face!

Sam's bedside light flickered on and, propping himself up on one elbow, he fixed Syed with a questioning look.

'What time did you get back?' he asked with a slight edge to his voice. 'You can't have set off home when you said or you'd have been back ages ago. What happened?'

For a moment, Syed argued with himself about whether he should tell Sam all the events of last night or not. He decided that he ought to tell him the events exactly as they had occurred. Sam sat up in bed with the duvet wrapped around him, listening to Syed's account of the events in the hospital. He was struck by the fact it was very matter of fact account – Syed was conveniently leaving out any mention of emotion. Syed's side of the bedroom was dark so Sam wasn't able to see his eyes glistening with tears as he told him how he'd had to leave Christian waiting for the nurse to attend him, heart racing.

'And when I left the hospital, I went back to Walford and walked around the Square in the dark,' he finished off.

In truth, Syed hadn't wanted to return home immediately so he took the bus back to the Square and, under cover of darkness, took a walk around revisiting all his old haunts. The first stop was his old home – Zainab and Masood no longer lived there but had moved, along with Kamil and Tam. They couldn't face the shame (as Zainab succinctly put it) of remaining in the Square after Syed had left. They had wanted nothing more to do with him and he hadn't had any contact with them since leaving himself. He walked past the old Masala Queen unit – memories of his first kiss with Christian, play fights, arguments, making up again, Christian's comforting hug when Lucy had blackmailed him, all came back as if it were yesterday.

He passed the door of his old flat, the one he had briefly rented with Amira and then he stopped outside the blue door of Christian's flat. Christian still lived there, running his very successful Personal Training business in the area. He smiled to himself remembering all the emotional times he's spent there with Christian. The first time they'd slept together. All the lies he'd had to tell his parents in order to spend the whole night with Christian. The showers together, laughter, happiness, sadness and love. He looked longingly at that front door, almost felt tempted to ring the buzzer but then a terrible sadness washed over him remembering where Christian was. He would do anything to see him walk out of that door, even if it was to tell him to clear off. Just to know that he was alive and safe.

He had one more stop to make before he went home – the café. He remembered how, on his wedding day he and Christian had met alone in the café. Christian desperate to stop him making the biggest mistake of his life, he, Syed feeling trapped and desperate.

He remembered telling Christian that he was gay and that he loved him. That he wished he didn't but that he was going to marry Amira. The sight of Christian crying still haunted him as Christian pleaded with him to be with him if he loved him and asked him why he had come to the café. He had told Christian that he missed him, wanted to see him and had hoped that Christian would tell him that everything was going to be ok. Well, it hadn't been and he had married Amira, breaking Christian's heart in the process. The café had so many memories.

He couldn't go into the café but stood for a while outside. Christian's words reverberating around his head – what would have happened if he'd listened to him? All these wasted years!

Syed spared Sam all the details of his visit to the Square – just said that he needed to clear his head before coming back – hence the later than planned return.

Something told Sam that Syed didn't want to discuss the visit any more – he had told him the bare bones of it and wasn't ready to reveal more at the moment.

Sam reached across to kiss Syed but realised that he had fallen asleep propped up on his pillows. He decided to leave him be – there would be plenty of time to talk tomorrow.

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It was Sunday morning. Impossible to believe that all this had happened since Friday evening. Syed felt as if he'd packed a lifetime of experiences into the last day and a half. He lay in bed with his eyes firmly closed, hoping that Sam would think he was still asleep. He couldn't face talking to him. All he wanted to do was go back to the hospital, see Christian and then never leave him again. He didn't know what to do. He didn't want to be here with Sam now – but this was his home too and he couldn't see Christian. So what should he do? He had no-where else to go. Avoidance was the best plan for the moment but he would have to 'wake up' soon. He heard Sam moving around, showering, getting dressed, Normally, they would have been sitting in bed together on a Sunday morning, talking, reading the papers, making love, but now he was faking sleep so that they didn't have to talk.

Sam sat heavily on the bed – deliberately trying to wake him

'Wakey, wakey, rise and shine!'

'Leave me alone!' grunted Syed feigning sleepiness when really he was wide awake and trying to decide what to do,

'Look – I know you're awake. You don't have to talk you know,' said Sam kindly.

That was the trouble with Sam – he was kind and that made Syed feel even worse, if that were possible.

Reluctantly, Syed opened his eyes. 'I just can't talk any more about yesterday,' he whispered. 'Christian is desperately ill. I want to see him and can't - what else can I say. There isn't anything else I can say is there?

Sam wrapped his big arms around him almost suffocating him. Syed snuggled his face into Sam's neck and in the comfort of Sam's embrace, began to cry. He cried as he had never done before. Huge sobs wracked his body and tears flooded down onto Sam's neck. Sam hugged him tighter, waiting for the terrible sobs to subside. Syed's whole body was shaking and he thought that his heart would break.

Neither man spoke but they sat there on the bed for what seemed like hours. Eventually, Syed's tears slowed, his sobs stopped and he lifted his head off Sam's neck.

'I'm sorry,' he said. 'But I'm so worried about Christian. How can she stop me from seeing him?'

'If you mean Jane – she can do anything she wants,' replied Sam. 'I don't think that Christian is in a position to decide much for himself.'

'But he wanted me to stay,' Syed's voice was faltering. 'He was ok when I was there, but when she made me leave he was crying and his heart was going mad. Couldn't she see that he wanted me there?' The tears started again.

Sam rubbed Syed's arm with his hand. 'I don't know what you can do.'

Sam's heart was also breaking seeing his lover like this. He'd imagined that Syed would have gone to see Christian but would have, perhaps, found him not quite as ill as Jane had implied. But this was the worst scenario – he had Syed physically at home but mentally he was in the hospital with Christian. He couldn't blame Christian as he hadn't made contact with Syed – no, this was just sod's law – no-one to blame but everyone suffering.

'Come on, get dressed, we need to do something today to take your mind off things. How about going out for lunch somewhere? What d'you think?'

'Whatever you want.' replied Syed flatly. He really couldn't care less anymore. All he wanted was to go back to Walford. He knew now that Christian did still love him – just the squeeze of his hand had been enough to reassure Syed of that.

Deliberately, Syed showered and dressed. He really just wanted to curl up under the duvet and stay there for the rest of the day but he owed it Sam to make some sort of effort. In the kitchen there was a cup of coffee and a couple of slices of toast and honey waiting for him.

He perched on a stool and surreptitiously watched Sam as he busied himself around the kitchen wishing it was Christian. He remembered times when he had stolen a night at Christian's flat and had been given breakfast by him. It had always made them laugh that Christian never had any food in the flat and he always had to go to the Minute Mart to stock up. Christian's answer when teased about it by Syed was that he had no-one to cook for other than himself.

'Penny for them!' said Sam.

'Oh, nothing. Just thinking.'

'Not good for you,' Sam attempted some humour but realised that Syed was not receptive to it.

'So…what do you want to do today then?'

Syed's patience left him. 'Can you leave me alone, please? I don't want to do anything. Just stay here. I can't just put him out of my mind y'know. He may be dead and I wouldn't know. How am I supposed to enjoy a day out feeling like this. Don't you get it at all?'

He got up and walked out of the room. Grabbing his coat he left the house and headed off towards the local park to clear his head.

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Sam stood in the kitchen, part of him was shocked by Syed's outburst and part of him had expected it. He started washing up. Behind him, on the worktop a mobile rang.

Sam turned round and saw Syed's phone – he'd gone out in such a hurry that he'd left it behind.

He walked slowly towards the phone, picked it up and pressed the answer button.

'Yes?'

'Syed?' a woman's voice on the other end queried.

'No – this is Sam. Who is this?'

'Jane. I need to speak to Syed urgently. Is he there?'

'He's gone for a walk – he's very upset about yesterday.'

'That's what I'm ringing about. Christian. He has taken a turn for the worse. Syed needs to come to see him now. Can you tell him?

Sam told her that he would find Syed and tell him. Where was he? He could be anywhere – should he go looking for him or wait for him to come home? He had a pretty good idea where he might be. Worth a risk.

Sam grabbed his keys and Syed's phone and set off towards the park. There was a place in the park that they would go to sometimes to sit and watch the world go by. They would sit on the wooden bench, arms around each other chatting and enjoying each other's company. He may be there.

Sam broke into a run and was soon in the park heading toward their bench. As he approached he saw a slight figure, sitting on the bench, shoulders hunched, head in hands. Sam slowed to a walk and as he approached, Syed looked up.

'What are you doing here? I want to be on my own.'

'I know but you left this behind.' He held out the phone to Syed.

Syed's eyes widened – he put two and two together – 'Has someone phoned about Christian?'

'Yes, Jane has.' said Sam gently. He sat next to Syed on the bench – their bench. 'Look Syed, Jane phoned. She wants you to go to Christian now – he has taken a turn for the worse.'

Syed stared at the phone, unseeing. That was it – he had the news he was waiting for and needed to act. He got up and started running towards the exit of the park.

'Syed – stop a minute. I'll drive you over there!' shouted Sam. 'You're in no fit state to go on your own. I'll drive you to Walford and leave you there. Would you like me to do that?'

In a trembly voice Syed said that he would and together they jogged back home. They jumped into the sports car, Sam driving and Syed sitting hunched in the passenger seat.

As it was Sunday, the traffic was lighter than normal and Sam drove as quickly as he was able to. Syed sat in silence, again running all the scenarios through his head. Things must be bad if Jane had phoned him. She had obviously kept his number from when he had rung her yesterday.

Soon they were in east London and a sign for Walford showed that they had a mile to go. There was the sign for the hospital. And now they were in its forecourt.

'Go on then, go to him.' Sam leaned across to give Syed a kiss. 'I'll go home. You don't want me here.'

Syed kissed him back. 'Thanks for bringing me. You can stay if you want.'

'No. I'm going. It's up to you now.' He put his hand on Syed's cheek and stroked it lightly. 'If you want to stay with him, it's ok with me. I love you but you love him more than me. You must both do what is best.'

Syed climbed out of the car. He was so lucky having Sam but he knew that he had to go back to Christian and he knew that Sam wanted him to do that.

He put two fingers to his lips and blew a soft kiss to Sam then he went inside the hospital. Sam put the car into gear and drove off, heavy hearted but resigned.