Chapter Eight – Preservation of Character

I must be a real idiot. I'm trusting another with my story because I want to be a good father but the world has turned its back on me. It's told me that it doesn't want me ad I'm still struggling to find room to breathe. I close my eyes, sweep my hand through my hair and lean forwards from where I'm sitting. "When I got married, I wanted a child but Kyoko wasn't sure," I tell the psychiatrist who starts to take notes. "I didn't want to push her and I knew that there was a chance that I might never be a father but then she started getting interested in the idea as well. I promised her that I would keep her and our child safe and then our son Rikuu was born."

I feel a little edgy still. The man writes and looks to me, wanting me to continue. "When Rikuu was born, we tried to follow all the rules that the press might make up but we didn't want him in the spotlight. We didn't want for people to know what he looked like too early so we kept that part of our life separate from him."

I paused and turn to the psychiatrist, there isn't judgment on his face yet but it'll probably grow as I continue to weave this tale. "I thought about my father, how sometimes I felt that he didn't have time for me, how I felt that I was a burden to both him and my mother. I knew that I didn't want for Rikuu to have the same feelings that I did. With all respect to my father, I was determined to give to Rikuu a better childhood than the one I had. It was difficult sometimes but I prioritized my family first and I could see Rikuu smiling and that made me happy."

I look away as I remember all the times I worried that I was doing the wrong thing and all the times when Kyoko had to assure me that it was okay and that I wasn't screwing anything up. I sigh as I think about those happier moments in our lives.

"A number of years after Rikuu was born, Kyoko told me that she was pregnant again and I prepared Rikuu for his younger sibling. It was sometimes hard making sure Rikuu knew that we still loved him whilst we waited for Aurora to be born and I think having two kids changed me. I think that it allowed my love to increase. The world seemed a much brighter place. I would have done everything for my kids. I learned what they liked and didn't like. I learned what kind of activities they most enjoyed and planned outings for all of us."

"We were going to be a family and though I was going to continue acting," I feel my voice get a little rougher as I think of all the time that I could have been acting if I wasn't incarcerated, all the roles that would have been offered to me if the public didn't hate me. I could have been a greater actor than my dad, instead I became the type of villain that biopics are made to show the cruelty of the subject. I freeze as it gets to the point where I'm afraid, the point where I admit to what happened.

"I would give my kids everything but one day Aurora just disappeared and I tried to find her, I would become obsessed with whether something was a sign or a clue and even when the police officers told me that she was dead, I didn't give up looking. I wanted to find her and at least find out her story. I think my obsession with what happened and my rebellious comments against the police led to the idea that," I shudder and tears fill my eyes. I shake my head, feeling the anger pierce through my body. I don't want to say it because it's hard to believe that it actually did happen. It's hard to think about the trial and the world believing that I was responsible for my daughter's death.

"That's when the police started to accuse you?" the psychiatrist tells me to clarify and I nod.

If I hadn't been prying into anything, trying to come up with the reasons to why my precious daughter was gone and if I had had any chance of saving her, they might never have suspected me. I don't know how it went so far as to have a court case with Kyoko protesting against it. She always believed in me. To my knowledge, she never doubted my love for Aurora or that I would never kill her.

"I didn't know why people judged me like this, why they didn't listen to me. I guess the lies and the rumors made a better story," I tell him as my hand turns to a fist and he nods, continuing to take down notes. "I want to be better for my family but after all of those years believing I was in prison for the rest of my life, I don't know how to live a normal existence."

"See," the psychiatrist tells me, "I think you can return to normal and that's why you came here. Coming here was the first step. I want us to set up more meetings," he tells me and I nod. I'd be okay with that, there's a lot that I still need to talk with somebody about. "How about three times a week?" I nod again. I probably need that much treatment. "Next time, I want to propose that we look into a medicinal treatment as well."

I sigh. I'm grateful to him for his help but that doesn't change the previous years. It doesn't reverse time which is what I would love to do.

"Daddy, I drew you a picture" a little girl says to a fellow inmate as we sit in visitation. Even though she's next to Kyoko and I can't really see her, I can hear her and Kyoko sees my face fall. She puts her fingers up to the glass that is separating us.

"Come on, Corn," she whispers and I turn to her, looking at her sadly. "Stay with me, okay? Have you been eating okay? Do I need to worry about you?" she asks.

I shake my head. "No," I try to convince her since it's already been over two years that I've been locked up. "You don't have to worry about me. They're…" I look down. It would be selfish to ask her for anything. She would probably do it but I don't want to ask her. She would do anything for me but somehow I still feel responsible for Aurora's death.

"They're letting us put together a small box for the holiday season," Kyoko tells me and my eyes flash up to her. "Anything that you want me to send you."

"I'm fine," I reply and hear the little girl laughing as she talks with her dad. It only makes me reflect on the joy that I once had with my own children. I'm so selfish. Kyoko is hurting as well and I'm only thinking of myself and the fact that all of my nightmares contain memories of Rikuu and Aurora. Even if Aurora is no longer with us, I've let both of my children down.

I've really screwed up as a parent.

…..

…..

I managed to reach a plan with Aurora so that both she and Dad can have something that they enjoy and I've taken her to see an animated movie. It was decent enough but seeing the joy on her face made everything worth it. She's missed out on so much time in her childhood and I just want her to be happy. I want to act in my role as a big brother. As we walk along, I hear footsteps behind us and I pull her protectively to my chest.

I look up and smile as Kijima-san stands in front of us. There were many who didn't believe in Dad's innocence but Kijima has always been loyal to his friendship with Dad and I know that he's been looking out for both of them with the media. He's probably one of the most profitable actors in Japan now but he never went back and blamed Dad for everything.

"Hi," I smile with a small bow and Aurora follows my lead.

"Oh my god," Kijima laughs awkwardly as he sees Aurora. "So, it's true. I mean, it seemed obvious to be true with the news footage and everything but seeing you in the flesh. Your dad must be thrilled by this news."

"I think that he has to get used to life outside of prison," I try to explain and Aurora looks between us. I put a hand on her shoulder and then turn to face Kijima. "It's okay. Kijima-san is friend, not foe. He never turned his back on Dad and he didn't badmouth him either. He's actually been standing up for Dad and saying that he believes in his innocence for years."

Aurora looks at him before bowing deeply, "Thank you for showing my father the kindness he deserves," she said and Kijima took a step back. Rikuu turned to Aurora as she rose. He was happy that she could see that there was good in the world again. Of course, Rikuu still felt that anyone who actually believed that his father had done those terrible deeds was an idiot but those weren't the people he wanted to discuss.

"It wasn't just me," Kijima tries to explain modestly, "There were a group of us who never believed Kuon was guilty, even with all the media presence and the court trial. None of us could give any proof but we all did care about your dad. He wouldn't let anyone see him though. His visitation list was pretty short."

I feel bad when he says this. Dad really didn't want to see anyone but he had always allowed me to see him, he had given me that option and I just hadn't known how to handle it. I didn't want to believe that Dad had hurt anyone especially Aurora but I had been young and stupid and too nervous to visit him when he needed me the most.

"Well, tell your father that I'd love to see him again," Kijima tells us and I nod, promising that I'll do so. He really is a nice guy.

…..

I peer at the witness stand as Grandma holds me to her, she has an arm wrapped around me from beside me. Sometimes Mom asks me to not come with her but this time she didn't. I wonder if she'll cry again this time. I don't like seeing Dad getting questioned but they tell me that he's going to be questioned again and that his time on the witness stand will be longer than everyone else's. Today there are some people brought in by the lawyers Mom hired to ask people questions.

"So," the lawyer says as he faces Dad's friend, Kijima-san, "That you, Kijima Hidehito, worked closely with Hizuri Kuon for a number of years. In fact, you two have been in the most projects together throughout the years. Tell us a little bit about Hizuri's presence on set if you can."

"Yeah, he was a really good guy," Kijima says with a worried expression on his face. "He was patient with the new actors and would share his advice. He had a level head even when he wasn't acting as Tsuruga Ren. He wasn't the type of person who you expected to show hostility unless the scene called for it. He was professional and I always felt pride in the work that we did together."

"And would you say he cared about his kids?" the lawyer asks.

"More than anything, well Kyoko-san and his kids. He would often show me photos and videos of them together on his phone. The guy was always telling me how amazing being a father was. He helped me a lot when my own girlfriend got pregnant. He helped her too."

"He helped your girlfriend," the lawyer asked, "can you expand on that a little?"

"He gave advice. He was there when I panicked over the phone. He was able to answer questions," Kijima replies and I know that Dad did that. Dad has always been able to help others and he's always been the type of embarrassing father who would pride himself too much on our achievements. Sometimes I was worried that I wouldn't live up to his expectations for me.

"So, you don't believe that Hizuri-san murdered his daughter," the lawyer asks.

"No," he tells him passionately, "I don't believe that he could be capable of such a thing."

"But you have no proof," the other lawyer interrupts and Kijima-san becomes silent. He answers before the judge could object to the question that was asked out of turn.

"I have my deep trust in Kuon-san's behavior. I have years of having a relationship with him, a friendship with him. He's not capable of -"

"I would like to call an objection, Your Honor," the prosecutor said and Kijima loos down. "On the grounds that there is no tangible evidence. Thoughts and beliefs are not substantial evidence."

I look at Kijima-san and he knows this is true but Dad couldn't have hurt anyone. That's just not who Dad is.

…..

…..

I became a law student because of Kuon and my want to save him but the truth did that for me. I don't regret what I did because I want to save and protect my husband, it was what was most important to me at the time. Now that he's home though, I'm debating whether to continue as a lawyer. It's the role that my mother would have wanted me to have but is that reason enough for why I should be doing it. I don't need anyone to choose my future for me.

Could I even return as an actress or would they reject me because of what had happened in the past? Is it selfish of me to want to act when Kuon has had that stripped away from him. I look over to where I have new brochure for LME agency and hear the door unlock. I shove it under some papers and rush to see who it is.

Kuon stares at me and I open my mouth to say something. I don't know what to say though and I see something that I didn't expect, he starts crying and breaking. He pushes his back to the now closed door and slumps down onto the floor. I open my mouth wanting to ask him what's wrong but I'm not stupid. I know what's wrong.

"Corn," I whisper as I sit next to him and hold his head to my chest, letting the fabric get soaked in his tears. He's always been so strong but who can blame a father for breaking when he has been blamed for so long about the death of his own child.

"I'm sorry," he whispers and I run my hand over his head wanting to be his strength. "I'm so sorry."

I open my mouth but shake my head and hum the song he learned for Dark Moon. I'll ask later how the psychiatrist was but right now he needs to break and I want for him to heal. Sometimes the only way to heal is to fight through all of that pain.

End of Chapter Eight

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